Kíliel had been lying in bed for a short while before her parents returned from the feast. She had drifted in and out of sleep full of restless dreams, and it seemed an age since Thekk had put her to bed, and yet mere moments. He had been sitting next to her, holding her hand until she fell asleep, making sure she was all right before leaving her.
She awoke in a haze of fears and terror, and she could not remember much of the confrontation between Thekk and Aín, nor much else of that evening. All she knew was that something was wrong, for it was as if a cold hand had a tight grip around her throat. She struggled to breathe normally.
Kíli and Tauriel moved silently in the next room, and that was the next sign that something was wrong, for they were not usually so cautious and careful after any party. The absence of laughing voices and happy steps was unnerving.
Kíliel sat up in her bed and rubbed her face roughly with her palm, trying to gather her thoughts, but they were still hazed with the rushed awakening. She clumsily slid her feet over the edge of the bed and sat them down on the cold stone-floor. Why could she not remember?
She was still dressed in the festival gown, and she struggled to get it off so that she eventually was dressed only in the light tunic she had worn underneath. Removing the tight and heavy fabric was an ease to her stressed and aching body, and she felt as if she could more easily breathe as she stood almost naked on the cold floor, swaying faintly as she tried to gather her balance.
With dragging steps she walked over to the door, and laid her forehead against it, feeling the cold of the metal integrated in the wood soothe her headache. Her parents were silent on the other side of the door, and she was for a moment terrified that something might be wrong with them. Then she heard the heavy sigh of her father, and her heart stopped, for she remembered.
—
Kíli sat in the leaning chair, his right hand grasping his thigh, which was vibrating with pain. He was starting to realise how severe the old injury was, but it was of no concern at this night. His left hand supported his hanging head, for his thoughts ran wild with worry for his uncle.
Tauriel stood by the dressing chest, removing her tunic and changing into her sleeping gown, her eyes constantly holding Kíli as she saw him reflected in the mirror beside her. His hunched back and defeated posture filled her heart with sadness, and she breathed heavily. After releasing her hair she turned again to him, her expression full of worry.
Walking up to him, Tauriel laid her hands carefully on his shoulders and helped him remove his heavy jacket, and then his tunic. When it was gone Kíli leaned back in the chair, his chin tight as he bit his teeth together. Tauriel slid her hands over his skin and began to carefully massage his tense shoulders. Kíli sighed and leaned his head back so he could meet her gaze.
«Amrâlimê,» he mouthed, as a tear rolled from his eye and down his temple, into his hair. Tauriel said nothing, only bent down and kissed his waiting lips. She felt a slight trembled roll through him as she did. Softly they kissed for a moment, and when it was ended Tauriel lowered her head and hugged her cheek to his. Kíli placed his arms around hers as they embraced and supported each other in their worry.
«I do not know what I would do without you, my love,» Kíli whispered into her ear and he touched her face as he kissed her cheek. Tauriel straightened, a tear rolling down her face, and she continued to massage his shoulders deeply.
«Gi melin, Kíli! And I will always be here with you,» Tauriel spoke softly. She kissed the top of his head, and then leaned her cheek against it. Breathing in, she was calmed by the sweet scent of his hair, and she exhaled. She placed her arms around his neck, burying her fingers in the soft fur on his chest.
Kíli grabbed her arms and held them tight, as if they were the only things keeping him from drowning. More tears left his eyes as he leaned against her, calming himself by the warmth of her soft skin. After a moment of silence, he spoke again, his voice wavering: «Tauriel, I… I am afraid,» and his breath was shaking while he tried hard to keep control. It was as if it cost him everything to admit it, both to himself and to her.
Tauriel did not know how to respond. All she wanted was to support him, so she hugged him tightly, but stayed quiet.
«It is entirely dark around me, and I do not know how to keep moving.» Kíli raised his hand to his face and exhaled deeply.
At this Tauriel released her hold on him and moved so she stood in front of him. She sat down and laid her hands carefully on his knees. «Melamin,» she began, her voice full of support and love. «We have each other, and our daughter, and that is a light in this darkness,» she said low, taking his hand and kissing it.
Kíli looked at her for a long time, his eyes red with tears and despair, his lips pressed to a thin, wavering line. He then kissed her hand and held it to his wet cheek. «But I do not want him to die.» Kíli closed his eyes and exhaled heavily.
Tauriel caressed his good thigh with a tender touch, feeling her heart beat heavier of his words. She lowered her eyes to her hand, unable to meet his pained gaze. It was unimaginable that Thorin would die, but still it would happen. Then she raised her gaze and met his again, her smile sad, but full of thought.
«I know, but it is the way of the world. Not even the Gods can change that, Kíli,» Tauriel sighed and tilted her head softly in an attempt at easing his worries. But it had a different effect.
A shadow fell upon Kíli's eyes and he looked away, biting his teeth together as he inhaled sharply. With his free hand he wiped his tears away, as he let go of Tauriel and staggered to his feet so she had to move away from him.
«Kíli, what…?» she began uncertainly, but he spoke before she could finish.
«That is certainly easy for an elf to say,» Kíli muttered hoarsely as he shook his head in astonishment and limped into their bedchamber, keeping his back to her the entire time.
Tauriel sat still on the floor, taken aback by his words. She would not hold it against him, for she knew how despaired he was, but it was the first time he had ever made a note of the difference of their races as long as they had known each other. It stung her chest, and she regretted her own words instantly. She should have stayed quiet. It was true; elves were not good with dealings of death, and so to fight with the nature of the world seemed unnecessary. It was as it was.
She sat on the floor for a moment, feeling the heavy weight of the situation on her chest, but she quickly returned to herself, and stood up. Calmly she walked over and stood in the open doorway to their bedroom. She watched Kíli as he struggled to undress himself, unable to balance on his bad leg.
«Kíli, forgive me,» before she had finished the sentence he turned to her and sent her a gaze like lightning, hard and chilling. Tauriel felt the sting of his anger, but she held his gaze with soft eyes. «I was only trying to help.»
«How can you possibly help me when you know nothing about death, about loss?» Kíli hissed, and inhaled sharply as he lost his balance and had to sit down on the bed. Tauriel quickly stepped over to him in an attempt to help, but he shook her hands off bitterly. «I do not need your help, I am not crippled yet.»
«You do not mean these things,» she said under her breath and laid her hand on his cheek, but he only looked at her with hard eyes.
«Do not tell me what I am feeling, Tauriel, you cannot understand. You don't even care for Thorin, you never have! Do you even love me?» Kíli sneered at her, his voice sharp as a blade as it filled the chamber. Tauriel didn't think, she only raised her hand and hit the side of his face so quickly Kíli did not understand what had happened before she stood there frozen of shock of her own actions, tears clouding her vision of his hurtful words.
There was a moment of deafening silence. The sound of his words filled the space between them. It was then that Kíli imploded. He began sobbing loudly, and cowered as he fell to the ground with no power to prevent it.
«Gajut men, Men gajamu,» he whispered over and over, and Tauriel fell to her knees beside him, taking his head on her lap and shushing him softly while she stroke his hair.
«It is you who must forgive me, Kíli, Melamin,» she whispered in his ear while she rocked him in her arms.
It was good for him to let it all out, and sobbing in the arms of his wife calmed Kíli down eventually. He embraced her and held her tight, feeling how secure and calm she made him. Simply being near her was like lying under water, feeling all worry and weight of the world fall away as his body was soothed. He could not believe his previous words to her, it had not been him. It had been the pain and the despair in his heart, and he hated himself for it.
«I love you, Tauriel, my wife! Menu tessu!» Kíli began kissing her, her shoulder, her neck, her cheek. When his lips found hers they let go for a moment and simply enjoyed the company of each other, as their lips and tongues danced sweetly together.
Tauriel placed her hands on his cheeks as their foreheads rested against each other, and she sighed. She then opened her eyes and looked at him with patient eyes, telling him silently that everything would be fine as long as they were together, and he believed her.
—
Kíliel sat on her knees with her ear to the door as she listened to her parents exchange. She felt the coldness of their words fill her body, the pain of her fathers sobbing hollowed her chest until she could feel nothing at all. At some point she had a strange feeling that she left her body and stood watching as her parents argued, and all she wanted was to yell at them to stop it.
She sobbed, but she did not know how long she had been sitting like that. Her body ached, her head pounded, and she just wished she could let go of the pain of the physical world.
Never had she thought about death like this, but in a single fraction of a second she envied Thorin. Soon his life would be over, and the trouble of their world would be ended as he would join Mahal in his halls. It sounded so sweet in this moment, such a relief.
As she returned to herself and realised her own thoughts she sobbed violently, for it was such a selfish thought. Right now her father needed her more than she needed him, and she had to be there for him in this hard time. That was the one thing she knew with certainty.
Kíliel exhaled a few times, calming down as the last tears left her eyes. She stood up on unsteady legs, and walked back to her bed. She dried her cheeks as she laid down and pulled the cover up to her eyes.
Only a moment later her door was opened, and she instantly closed her eyes. The light from the neighbouring room hit her face and lit up the inside of her eyelids in a soft pink, and yet she did not open them. She would not put anymore strain on her parents this night. It was better if they thought she had slept through it all.
Light footsteps over the floor indicated that it was her mother coming to check on her, and the soft brush of her hand against Kíliel's cheek and hair as Tauriel placed a soft kiss on her daughter's forehead.
Tauriel sighed softly before turning back and closing the door behind her. Kíliel opened her eyes and exhaled heavily, as a last tear left her eye.
Why was everything suddenly so hard?
—
Even after the many happenings of the day and night, Kíliel spent a long while staring into the dark. Her thoughts ran wild trying to comprehend everything that had, everything that was, and everything that would happen, while considering how she could make it easier for her father. She did not like any of this, least of all the thought that once again she would need to be more grown-up than she felt. She feared it was beyond her control, for every time she had tried to be more mature for her family, it had gone wrong, and she had disappointed everyone. This time she could not fail, for she had a burning fear that her father could not take much more in his grief.
Tears filled her eyes and she fought for them not to release, but that was also beyond her control. Kíliel sighed unevenly, and she sobbed once. Her body shook of exhaustion and her head throbbed. It was then that she thought she could hear a voice. It was a soft murmur and through her tear-distorted vision she saw a face fade into view. His eyes were blue as ice, though unlike Aín's, and kind, though unlike Thekk's. Golden hair framed his sharply cut face, his lips in a soft smirk, as his eyes held hers.
«Where are your strength, Kíliel?» his said, softly and yet sternly. Kíliel could not breathe, for she suddenly realised that it was Legolas. It was so dark in the room that for one moment she wondered if he was truly there. She did not care, for just seeing his face calmed her greatly. Legolas, whom she had not thought about in many years. Her life had grown busy with escalating schoolings and council business she needed to know more about, and somewhere along it all Legolas has slipped from her mind. Now he had returned to her just as she had needed him the most.
Looking into the memory of his eyes, Kíliel felt her heart beat heavy with forgotten strength. And suddenly she understood. It was the strength of the elves, their blood running in her veins. Her life had been all about her dwarven-half these years, for her sessions with her mother had grown fewer, and suddenly her lack of strength and restlessness made perfect sense to Kíliel. Yes, she was the princess of the Dwarves, but her elven half was just as important, and to live her life fully she needed to pay more respect to it. Starting tomorrow she would ask her mother for more sessions of elven language and knowledge.
Kíliel smiled, for it felt suddenly like a heavy weight was lifted off her chest, and that everything was a little bit easier. Looking into Legolas' shimmering eyes, she thanked him silently. She locked the warmness of his smile in her heart, to keep it beating until the day they would again see each other.
When she opened her eyes, warm, morning light met her, and she squinted unprepared as it hurt her eyes. It must have been a dream, one of those where she was not sure if it was real or not, but it must have been a dream. It felt so real though, and her heart beat heavily in her chest as if agreeing, saying that it also thought it had been true.
As Kíliel sat up in bed, her headache still there and her aching body screaming at her to lay still, she held tight to the feeling of strength that Legolas had brought her in her dream. No matter what, she needed to keep moving on, staying strong and stubborn for her family. It seemed, to her amusement, that tapping into her elven half had also given strength to her dwarveness. How ironical.
As she moved her feet over the edge of the bed and threw away the animal-skins, she noticed the bright, red stains on the skins of the mattress. And so she had finally bled, through the night that would prove to change the direction of her life forever.
—
Kíliel made small circles in the water as she tucked her knees under her chin.
After she had called for her mother, Tauriel had asked for a tub of bathing water to be brought to their chambers, instead of using the communal bathing houses. The elf thought this important enough for them to be alone, not even Náli, her dry nurse, was there as she usually was when Kíliel was bathing. The beginning of the Bleeding, or the 'Anann ned agar', was, by the custom of the elves, held in high regard, for it was the start of the second phase of a young elf's life. Each transition in an elven life was celebrated and brought on by water, after the love the Eldar bore for the sea. They would clean themselves of the life they had once lived and step onto their new path born anew, cleansed.
Therefore Tauriel had prepared the bath with herbs and soaps made for healing and restoration of energy, as a symbol of Kíliel's transition into the second phase of her life, as a young adult.
Kíliel sat silently, her fingers playing on the surface of the water while Tauriel combed her hair carefully. They were alone in the chamber, for Kíli was off talking to his brother or someone else considering their uncle's illness and the events of the previous night.
That morning he had struggled to get out of bed, and groaned heavily as he tried to stand on his bad leg. After a moment it had been easier, aided by the herb Tauriel had given him to chew. Tauriel knew it was only a temporary aid, and soon they would have to look for other means, walking aids most likely, but so far Kíli refused bluntly.
« I will walk on my own two feet while I can still stand,» he had stated frankly, yet not angrily. All his anger had seemingly disappeared since his outburst the night before. It scared Tauriel no less, but she could not argue with him. She knew all too well that he would soon have no choice in the matter, and giving him grief as long as he could still walk was of no effect. She had simply kissed him goodbye as he had limped stubbornly away.
When Kíliel then had called to her, showing her the blood, it had given Tauriel something else to think about, and it was a great cheer in all this tragedy, followed by instant dread. The notion that her daughter was too quickly growing from her, pained her immensely. But she had said nothing, only taken Kíliel in her arms as her child for the last time, for that she was no longer.
Now there was a silence between them, as Tauriel combed her daughter's hair. They were both occupied with heavy thoughts, thinking of the recent events and what was to come. It was all uncertain.
Kíliel thought also of her recent pains and decided it must have something to do with her bleeding. It was a strange thing, that women bled and felt pains of invisible injuries. It angered her, and she huffed as she folded her arms over her knees.
«What is it, Iellig?» Tauriel asked, her voice soft and curious, as only a mother's could be.
«Why do only women bleed, and why does it hurt so much?» Kíliel asked bluntly, hoping to get an answer without having to explain too much of her own condition.
Tauriel was a bit puzzled by the question, but answered as natural as she could: «Women bleed because it tells us we are fertile and healthy. But what pain are you talking about? Where does it hurt?»
Kíliel was at first reluctant to say, for no particular reason, then she cleared her throat and mumbled: «I've had these pressing pains in my belly and my chest, but I'm sure it's nothing.»
Had Kíliel looked at her mother in that moment she would've seen an expression of sheer horror on Tauriel's face, her fear for her daughter spinning wild thoughts in her head. But she calmed herself down after a moment, as she vaguely recalled her own first bleeding. It had been riddled with pain and confusion as she had few female elves to speak to, being in the care of Thranduil and Legolas.
Elves bled for a month, and it had gone a week before Thranduil had noticed the bloodstained clothes she had sent for wash, and had worried for her well being. He had then helped her when he had understood, and provided her with a proper maid to teach the young and terrified elf of her womanhood. It was one of the good memories she had of Thranduil, how he had embraced her as she had cried in desperation, and he had told her that it was nothing to be afraid of. His eyes had been so kind and understanding. Rarely had he that look in the later days of her life in Mirkwood.
A tear released from Tauriel's eyes as she let herself get lost in the memory of her once kind and loving father-figure. She had made herself strong as it became clear to her that Thranduil was changing with the darkening forest, and she made sure their relationship grew more professional as she came to fear him.
Suddenly all the changes weighed heavy on her, the injury of Kíli, the downfall of Thorin, and now the maturing of her daughter. It all happened too quickly, and she felt the pressure on her chest as the weight of an anvil. She felt weak, unable to handle any of it correctly.
Kíliel was too preoccupied with her own thoughts to wonder of her mother's silence. She thought about Legolas and his vivid eyes as she had seen them in her dream. And his soft lips… It was in truth a long time since she had thought about him properly, and with all the changes going on in her body, she couldn't help but wonder.
Would he be the same as the elf she had seen thirteen years ago? Was her memory of him even correct? She had been a much younger child, and she had grown quite a bit since then. Considering how she had reacted to her first impression of Thekk, and then how he had changed in her eyes in only a few years, she had evidence that her perception could be wrong. It was all very confusing.
Kíliel exhaled. Then she thought about Legolas again. If she was to meet him, she would have to learn how to speak proper Elvish. It was many years since last she had a session with Tauriel, and she raked her brain for any remaining words. She knew the generic words for love and family, for common activities like eating and working, but she knew little more than that.
Thinking of this made Kíliel suddenly aware that her mother had been quiet for a while, and she thought how to best get her mother's attention.
«Nana,» Kíliel said low, feeling the word, tasting it on her tongue. She had never before used the elven word for her mother, but now she thought it was a start at getting in touch with her elven half.
Tauriel's train of thought was abruptly interrupted, and she inhaled sharply, then continued combing her daughter's hair as if nothing had happened. «What did you say, Kíliel?» Her voice was soft, with only a hint of curiosity to it.
«I said 'Mother',» Kíliel said quickly. She did not know why, but she was embarrassed. She thought she could hear Tauriel sigh of disappointed. Kíliel could not see her mother's face as she sat with her back to her, but she wondered if Tauriel was sad she had not said it again in elvish. Then Kíliel reconsidered. She held her breath as she spoke: «No, I said 'nana'.» Kíliel shook her head lightly, as if annoyed with herself, but it was mostly for her mother's benefit. When Tauriel did not answer, she continued: «Because I wish to speak more Elvish.»
At this Tauriel let go of her hair and was quiet for a moment. She then took up another lock of her daughter's hair and started combing out the knots. «Why this sudden interest in Elvish? I thought you did not like it,» Tauriel's voice was suddenly more eager, and it made Kíliel happy with herself. It was a long time since they had had anything to do together, and she knew that Tauriel was sad for it. This was a good opportunity to get closer to her mother. With everything that was going on, Kíliel felt excited for it.
«I do not know it, that is why, and I realise it's just as important for me to learn about my elvish heritage, as it is about my dwarvish.» Kíliel turned around in the bath and looked at her mother. «I want you to teach me again,» and she paused as she looked down for a moment. Kíliel then laid her hand on her mothers as she continued: «It is important to me.» Looking at her mother she wished she had said what she thought: 'you are important to me'.
Tauriel leaned in and laid the other hand on her daughter's face. She smiled. Kíliel saw tears forming in her eyes, but they did not fall. Tauriel caressed her cheek and sighed. «You have truly grown, Iellig.» Tauriel laughed sweetly and stroke hair away from Kíliel's face, before she sighed and settled back in her chair, the leaning chair that Kíli so often used. «Of course I will teach you, but I hope you are prepared that it will be harder for you to learn now that you are older.» Her tone was excited now, and Kíliel turned back, a clever smile on her face.
«Henion, nana,» Kíliel smirked as she continued to make small rings in the hot water. She hoped the days to come would be bright for her, and the hope grew once again in her chest that Legolas would return to her. And that when he did, she would be ready.
Translation:
Amrâlimê (My Love) - Khuzdul (not my favorite of the dwarven words of affection, but I know a lot of you fancy it so I thought to add it ^^ )
Gi melin(I love you) - Sindarin
(Forgive me)Gajut men, (I apolojize)Men gajamu - Khuzdul
Melamin(my love) - Sindarin
(You are everything)Menu tessu - Khuzdul
Anann (time) ned (of) agar (blood) - Sindarin
Iellig(daughter) - Sindarin
Henion (I understand), nana (mother) - Sindarin
(I make it really hard for myself simply placing these words around the text so do tell me if I forgot some)
