As always, I love you all, the beta position is still open, and I hope you all enjoy! Also, I should mention, this is slight AU, if that wasn't already blatantly obvious, but I tried to keep in with most of the events in the show.

Any, enjoy!

~FortuneandCathfernaTH

"It was back when I first separated with my wife."

Lassiter was sitting at his desk filling out paperwork on last week's case, completely zoned in on his work, until the chief called him into the office.

"What is it Chief Vick? Is there a special case you need me to work?" Lassiter asked as he walked into her office, only to have his smile fade when he saw she was glaring at him.

"No detective there is not, sit down please," the Chief ordered, Lassiter was quick to follow her orders, resisting the urge to squirm under the restraint of her glare.

"I'm going to get to the point Lassiter, as of the end of your shift, you are under suspension," the Chief announced. Lassiter's eyes widened.

"What, Chief why?" Lassiter asked sitting up in the chair.

"How about we start with the fact you put a child's life at risk thanks to your carelessness?" The Chief's voice said a little louder than she had been previously speaking.

"Chief the boy was," Lassiter began only to have the Chief silence him with her hand.

"The boy was kidnapped and missing for forty-eight hours Carlton. Something you could have stopped had you not fallen asleep on the job!" The Chief emphasized and Lassiter felt himself shrink.

"I… You see Chief I just," Lassiter began looking down at the floor. The boy had been found completely unharmed, so Lassiter assumed no harm done. This was the first time the Chief had to reprimand him for anything.

"You were being careless Carlton! I expected you to do the job no problem," The chief said sighing as Lassiter fell silent.

"The main thing is Carlton; you let your personal life get in the way of your duty. I can't have that in my department. Understand?" The Chief said more gently as Lassiter nodded in defeat.

"Good, now please hand over your badge and gun. You are suspended until further notice," The Chief ordered holding out her hand.

Lassiter did as she said, not looking up at her. He couldn't believe this was happening now of all times.

"You're excused," Vick said and watched as Lassiter stood up and walked out of the office, shutting the door behind him.

He was then met by three senior officers, all wearing sheepish grins.

"Finally made the chief mad, huh?" One of them said slapping Lassiter's back. "So what did she tell you?"

Lassiter didn't say anything, didn't even look the man in the eyes.

"It happens to the best of us. Even if you're the world's best detective, one mistake and you can lose absolutely everything," The second man followed shaking his head.

'Lose absolutely everything…' That was all Lassiter heard it was like glue to the floor, because he knew he should just walk away from these guys, but he couldn't.

The third detective must have sensed his dismay because soon there was arm around his shoulder's leading him away from the group.

"Listen Carlton, you're going to have to get out of this slump you have going. You already have the Chief pissed at you; if your image of everyone here changes you're done. The Chief takes great measures to make sure everyone in the department is capable. If you aren't, you can kiss your life as a detective goodbye," the third detective informed him and Lassiter felt his stomach sink further. "Besides, we have lives at stake…"

At this, the detective gave Lassiter two pats on the shoulder and left to return to his friends, while Lassiter just kept walking, until he was out the door the department building.

He didn't even remember driving home, but he must have, because he was here in his driveway, looking at three large suitcases with a sticky note on them. Getting out of the car, he walked up to them, picked up the note, and read it.

Dear Carlton, I think the time has come to spend some time apart. I have reserved a room for you at the hotel down the street. I packed your guns in the large green bag under your clothes.

Victoria

Lassiter's throat clenched. He wanted desperately to cry, but his mind flashed back to what the detective had said earlier.

"If your image of everyone here changes you're done."

No. He couldn't show weakness. Besides the senior detective was right, there were lives at stake, which counted on him being strong.

Lassiter then snatched the bags and put them in the trunk of his car, not bothering to go inside and try to talk some sense into Victoria. If this was what she wanted to try, he would comply.

He would be what everyone needed to be; a perfect detective and husband.

A week later, Lassiter was reinstated and better than ever. He did absolutely everything perfectly, and never let on that he was as of today a week separated from his wife. The chief was impressed with his work, and all of the senior detectives praised him for his new leaf, they'd even invited him for beers. By the end of the month, Lassiter was no longer just a regular detective; he was promoted to Head Detective, and given a new partner, Lucinda Barry. She seemed genuinely interested in him, and Lassiter, at least in the private corners of his mind, was interested in her. In his waking conscious though, he was only willing to say, she and him were fast friends.

Arguably, Lassiter could say his life was better since conforming to the Chief's needs and shutting out his private life in the department. When he came and got to work, he was numb to his own pain, able to become the hardcore detective who solved high profile cases with ease. He was the one who made criminals confess; newbies wet their pants, and so strong emotionally he didn't even bat an eye when all three of the departments last senior detectives in active duty, were gunned down. And in the daytime, this truly was true about Carlton Lassiter.

As soon as he was alone in his new apartment however, Lassiter was anything but the: couldn't give a shit guy.

It had been over three months since Lassiter started this new façade, and Lassiter knew that all he was doing was living a lie. And the lie was taking his toll on him.

'If their image of me changes… I lose…' Lassiter thought lying on the couch in his living room, staring at his ceiling, and clutching the gun in his hand.

'I won't have any worth anymore…'

It was the harsh reality of his life. He was stuck in the lie he had created just to benefit others. There was one; maybe two ways out.

One was to put down the mask, and lose everything he loved. He truly did love his lie, because it brought him wonderful things, like Lucinda's friendship, newbie's respect, his job as head detective, his power to help those innocent. In all truth he was scared to let go of the lie, for fear of losing all of these things, and thus losing his worth. What good was living life if you didn't matter? The lie made him matter to others. At the same time, the gaping hole of emptiness he felt when he was alone in his apartment and had turned off Cops, was by no doubt created by the same lie he loved. Because at the end of the day, the happiness he felt was a lie too.

The second way out, was clutched in Lassiter's hands, with his fingers resting on the trigger. It would all be over. No more lie, no more fake happiness, no more longing, no midnight solitude, and no more crippling depression.

And it would only take one shot… He'd lose everything, but at least he wouldn't have to watch it happen.

That was Lassiter's final decision, as he began to tilt the gun in direction of his head turned off the safety and-.

"Drop your weapon detective!" A female voice ordered suddenly making Lassiter drop the gun in shock.

He sat up instantly, and looked desperately around for the source of the voice, and finally his eyes set on none other than his partner Lucinda Barry.

"Lucinda, how did you get in here?" Lassiter asked swinging his legs to the floor, hoping to deflect from the upcoming questions.

"You gave me a key for emergencies Carlton," Lucinda said walking up slowly to him. "And it was sure as hell a good thing I came, because it looked like you were about to shoot yourself!"

Lassiter hung his head in defeat, while Lucinda came to the couch and sat next to him.

"Carlton whatever it is, you can tell me," Lucinda encouraged placing a hand on Carlton's back, only to watch him stand up in response.

"Oh I must have accidently pointed it at myself while I was asleep," Lassiter said walking to the kitchen, mostly just to be out of there. "So what's up do we have a case or something? Give me the details."

"Bullshit Carlton. And no we do not have a case. I came because I wanted to talk to you about something, but you didn't even hear me knock. So my detective alarms went off," Lucinda explained as Lassiter poured himself a glass of water.

"To talk to me huh? Alright I'm all ears," Lassiter permitted after he downed the glass. He didn't want to have this conversation right now.

"I think we both know you need to go first," Lucinda said looking at him expectantly leaning on the doorway to the kitchen. "What's in your head?"

"I…" Lassiter began unsuccessfully as he sat the glass down on the counter. Lucinda out of everyone in Santa Barbra, was the one he wanted the least to know about his problems. Because she mattered the most since all of this began, and he wanted things to stay the same between them.

"Nothing you say will change what we have Carlton," Lucinda said after five minutes of silence.

"Yes it will…" Lassiter said his voice barely audible. "I'm a lie Lucinda."

"What do you mean?" Lucinda asked, watching Lassiter's back as he leaned over the kitchen counter.

"I mean… I mean I'm not invincible… Before I became head detective I was fighting with my wife, I let the stress of it get to me, and a little boy was kidnapped because of it…" Lassiter began. "I vowed that I'd never let my personal life affect my work again, after Vick tore me a new one. I came back, as the person I was back at the Department… but… the truth is Lucinda, I'm sick of being that person, but if I let myself be different I lose everything I have worked for. You're the only one who I feel I can call friend Lucinda… and I didn't want to lose that, at least not be alive to see it happen…" Lassiter finally admitted.

"Carlton, I never saw you as invincible. I saw you as a damn good detective, who is only human," Lucinda said making Lassiter turn and look her in the eyes for the first time that night. "You are strong, and are capable of great things, that I know isn't a lie. You would have that, with or without the mask. Being around people able who achieve great things can get to their heads, and make them forget in the end that person is just human. Conversely, those who can do great things, can get caught up in the glory, and forget to be human. Don't fall into that trap Carlton, you have every right to cry about all the crap in your life, it doesn't change the fact you are capable of great things. And tears won't change my opinion of you."

Lassiter felt the weight lift off his chest then, and he felt cold tears fall down his hot cheeks for the first time since before being kicked out.

Lucinda smiled at his tears, letting some of her own fall as she walked up to hug him. He didn't hesitate to hug her back, resting his chin on the top of Lucinda's head, enjoying the sparks of holding the one he knew he had hidden feelings for. For the first time in a long time, Lassiter felt right.

"Oh Lucinda, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Lassiter asked stepping back from the hug, but not far enough to completely dislodge their hug.

Lucinda, just smiled and tilted her head, and kissed him.

Lassiter kissed her back, forgetting everything around them, and not becoming aware again, until the next morning, when they were wrapped up in each other's arms in Lassiter's bed.

He felt like he could fly.

"You tried to commit suicide?" Shawn asked shocked.

"Yes I did. All because I fell too deep in the same trap you got yourself into, and the one I am to an extent still climbing out of," Lassiter explained wiping away stray tears with his free hand. "You are as of now the only one who knows what almost happened that night, since Lucinda is gone. For the same reason you don't want anybody to know of your night terrors."

"You still don't want other's opinions to change about you," Shawn realized, a lump developing in his throat.

"Exactly, I'm still trying to convince myself that tears won't change anybody's opinion of me. But I also fell into another trap," Lassiter explained. "I became one of those people who forgot that people who do great things are still human. I'm sorry I made that mistake with you Shawn," Lassiter apologized turning to meet Shawn's eyes, his eyes trying to unsuccessfully to hide the awoken hurt.

"Carly you… couldn't have…" Shawn attempted unsuccessfully, losing his voice between the inevitable sobs.

Lassiter didn't say anything, just pulled Shawn in close to him, until Shawn's head was lying against his shoulder, and let the man cry.