A/N: Chapter 9 is here as you can see. I'm happy to say I didn't take forever and a day on this chapter. It's not quite as long as the last two chapters, it's more the length of what my norm usually is. For those of you that I said anything about this possibly being the last chapter: ITS NOT. I thought it could be, but failed to take into account how much I manage to drag things out. So...yeah, there will be a ch 10 lol. Hope you all enjoy this chapter!
"Mmmmnnnph…Gin?" Izuru groaned as he woke, nuzzling his pillow. It took a moment for him to realize that it was in fact his pillow and not Gin's chest like he thought it should be. He felt his throat begin to ache and his chest get tight, but no tears came; this time he really had cried himself dry.
He let out a heavy sigh, hoping that maybe it would relieve some of the pressure in his chest, but it didn't do much but make it worse. He slowly glanced over at his clock to see that he could make it to class if he got up now. He doubted if he'd be able to focus in class at all, but he couldn't stay in his bed or he'd dig himself into an even deeper hole.
Never mind the fact that if he didn't show up Renji would come to check on him, and he didn't feel up to trying to talk about it. If he came to class and pretended everything was alright Renji would give him a little more space at least.
He made himself rise from the bed, reluctant to leave the comfort it gave him, and headed to the bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror above the sink while he waited for the shower to heat up, studying his own appearance. If Renji hadn't already said something to the others, which he doubted, they would likely know something was wrong as soon as they saw him. Even he could see that no amount of hot water would wash away the circles beneath his eyes.
He stripped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower, letting his forehead rest against the cool tiles as the near scalding water pounded against his neck and back. He shut his eyes, his hand absently reaching up to brush his fingertips over the bruise on his shoulder.
Izuru found himself wondering if Gin had left that mark just to leave a reminder of his presence once he was gone. He felt a sharp ache in his shoulder as he let his fingers press into the bruise, hoping the sting would drive the thought out of his head. It didn't quite kill the ache in his chest, not as well as other things he knew that would, but it helped to push back some of it.
When he finished showering he stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist, once again pausing at the sink. He brushed his teeth slowly, focusing on the tingle of the bristles in his mouth, using every tiny sensation as a distraction. As he was putting his tooth paste and brush back into the cabinet above the sink he paused, eyes lingering on the top shelf.
He saw his hand reaching for it before he had the chance to really think of moving it; an old habit rising swiftly to the surface. His fingertips brushed over a small container on the shelf. He felt his hand tensing, wanting to pull the small box down; but he forced himself to pull his hand away before swiftly closing the cabinet door. He couldn't do that again, shouldn't do it again…at least not now, not when he was about to go out of the apartment.
"Hey Renj." Izuru said quietly as he settled into his seat beside Renji.
"Hey Izuru, I didn't think ya'd come today." Renji said as he looked at Izuru in surprise.
"Why wouldn't I? I already missed a day and I don't want to get behind in all of my classes." Izuru looked up at Renji. He kept his voice quiet, loud enough to be heard but not enough that it might break on him if he had any problems.
"Yeah…I guess that's prob'ly a good idea." Renji commented; Izuru didn't miss the glance that fell to his arms. He was fidgeting with his scars through the material again. He knew what Renji was thinking, so he made sure to pull back the material and scratch at an imaginary itch, allowing Renji the 'opportunity' to check for the new wounds he expected.
Once Renji was satisfied with his perceived sneak-peak, he turned his attention to digging around in his bag. Izuru let his sleeve slip back down his arm, silently relieved that Renji was playing along so well. He knew he could drag himself through the day, but if anyone started picking at things too much he probably wouldn't be able to keep it together.
Izuru made it through the rest of his classes without much problem, surprisingly it helped a little to be there. The lectures gave him something to keep his attention on, and though there were moments when he couldn't quite keep everything pushed back, he managed to keep Gin from filling his head completely.
He let out a heavy sigh as he began to make his way across campus, ready to go home for the day. Renji fell into step with him as they headed back, Renji seemed to think he was going to hang around for the hour he had before his next class. Izuru didn't think that would be too bad, but he wasn't sure if Renji was going to continue to let everything slide for now.
"Hey guys, wait up!" Their mutual silence was broken and they both turned back to see Rangiku running up behind them; leaving a bemused Sousuke to shake his head at her before heading in another direction.
"Hey Rangiku, 'sup?" Renji greeted her as she fell into step on Izuru's other side.
"Im done for the day but Sousuke still has another class to go to, since I saw you two I thought I'd come bother you." She smiled at them both, her smile faltered slightly. "Whoa, Izuru what's wrong with you? You don't look so good." She added after seeing Izuru.
Izuru caught Renji flinch out of the corner of his eye, so apparently he hadn't told everybody after all. He gave her a small smile in hopes that she wouldn't notice Renji's look too.
"It's nothing, I just haven't been feeling well so I didn't sleep very good." He said, hoping that since it wasn't exactly a lie that she wouldn't notice that it wasn't entirely true either.
"Oh, so that's why we didn't see you around yesterday huh? So is Gin sick too, 'cause Sousuke said he hasn't seen him around either." Rangiku asked.
Her question made him falter for a moment, he almost said yes; but saying that would only dig him into a hole that would be hard to climb out of without trouble. He worked on reigning in his emotions, getting them under control in time to cut Renji off before he could say anything.
"I don't know, he might've gotten it too; but I haven't seen him either." Izuru pushed himself into a smile that he hoped looked genuine and not forced. "We sort of decided to go our separate ways, things just weren't really working out and with Shuhei back we decided it was better to just end it." Izuru didn't miss the stunned look Renji flashed him.
"Oh, I didn't realize you two were having problems. How long has Shuhei been around, I hadn't realized he was talking to you again." Rangiku frowned slightly at having been left out of the loop.
Izuru relaxed slightly at her words, it seemed that she believed what he told her. He continued on to tell her about what had happened the last few days, leaving out pieces here and changing things a little there. Renji stayed fairly quiet the whole time, but Izuru could tell he was watching him as he spoke.
"Why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things when they happen?" Rangiku said, still surprised by everything. "So are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine Rangiku. I told you, we both decided to end it." Izuru held his false smile for her. "I think me and Shuhei might give things another chance."
"Well, I guess I'm sorry things didn't work out with Gin; but at least Shuhei's here." Rangiku gave him a comforting smile. "Hey, I have some stuff to do before Sousuke gets done, so I'll talk to you two later." She flashed them both another smile before heading off, Izuru and Renji both waving after her.
"Stuff bein' 'tell everyone else what happened'." Renji commented as they watched her disappear around a corner.
"That'll mean fewer times that I'll have to explain it in detail then." Izuru said, for once grateful for Rangiku's gossipy nature. Now he only had to deal with Renji; who would hopefully be leaving soon too. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep it together, talking to Rangiku had made a lot of the hurt resurface.
"Why did'ya tell her that anyway, why not tell her the truth?" Renji turned to look at him with the same questioning gaze he'd had the entire walk.
"Well, you are already worried enough for everyone else so there's no need for me to worry them. Also, I don't want to deal with everyone. If they knew what you do they'd all make such a point of trying to avoid the subject and make me feel better that it'll only get worse… Just like you all did when Shu left." Izuru answered calmly, still winning the fight against the ache in his chest.
"Oh… I didn't realize we were that bad." Renji said a little sheepishly. "So does that mean that if I hadn't found out on my own you would've lied to me too?"
"I-I don't really know, maybe." Izuru said quietly, not really sure if he would've lied or not. "I think I might've told you eventually." He added after a moment of thought.
"Gee thanks." Renji gave Izuru a playful shove and a smirk as they reached the front doors to the apartment building. "So are you really going to give Shuhei a shot?"
"Hey, Rangiku slowed us down; don't you need to go if you don't want to be late?" Izuru asked as he pushed the door open, perfectly aware that Renji knew he was avoiding the question; though he did have a point.
"Shit, yeah…But don't think you're gettin' off that easy, I'll be back later." Renji said before turning to head back to campus.
Izuru couldn't help a tiny smile as he watched his friend go, but once he lost sight of him that sinking feeling gradually started to get stronger. He made his way up to his apartment, trying to keep everything together long enough to at least make it past his front door.
He managed to make it inside and even to drop his bag onto the floor before he started to lose the fight. He changed his clothes and made it into the bathroom in time to lean heavily against the sink. The force of all he'd held in breaking free and tearing fresh tears from his eyes. He tried to force all the hurt back, to crush it back to a dull ache in the back his mind instead of this sharp pain in his chest.
Without thinking he found himself tugging the cabinet open and reaching for the box on the top shelf. Taking a step back, he let himself slide down the wall behind him and sit on the floor with the box in his hands. Something in the back of his mind whispering that he needed to pull it together and just throw the damn thing away, but he ignored it as he popped the lid open.
Izuru gazed down at the glittery silver of the razor blade nestled inside the box, memories of how well one pain could get rid of another flooding him. How much a few minutes of pain could drive off some of what seemed like an infinite amount of aching and hurting.
He remembered how he had meant to get rid of the thing, but how somehow he had never done it. Some part of him unable to let go of what had been a big staple in his life for so very long. Unable to let go of the thing that had kept him in this world for so long and yet had been the very thing to nearly take him out of it in the end.
He watched his hand tug back his sleeve before picking up the blade, how deftly his fingers ran up his arm to a point high enough so as to be easy to hide but not enough to be at risk of nicking anything dangerous. The whole process so ingrained by habit that he hardly had to tell his body what to do. He gave a tiny hiss as he let the blade bite into his skin, grateful for the pain that sent an adrenaline rush through his system. The pain nothing compared to the relief he felt as some of the pressure in his chest seeped out with the blood welling from the cut in his arm
The part of Izuru that hadn't wanted it to come to this again giving up as that relief buzzed through him. Though it held on enough for him to know he'd be regretting it later, but only later, right now he was content to do whatever it took to numb himself to any other feeling. The only word his sensible side got in edge-wise was that he couldn't let it get out of hand again, no-never again, no matter how much he might want it.
Gin sat in a small coffee shop on a corner near campus, absently staring out at the street as his coffee got cold. He didn't really notice anyone who passed by, only registered movement in general. He was surprised at how badly his observational skills had dropped, he had never zoned out to quite the degree he was now. Therefore it came as a real shock when Rangiku dropped into the seat across from him and he was annoyed to realize it had nearly made him jump in his own seat.
"Hello Rangiku, what're you doin' here?" Gin asked lazily, already recovered from his surprise.
"It's a coffee shop Gin, I don't think I need to explain why I'm here." She answered wiggling her cup of coffee in the air as she spoke.
"Alright, then why're ya here at this table?" He asked again before turning to continue his people watching.
"I haven't seen you around much. Besides, I wanted to talk about Izuru." She took a sip of her coffee as she spoke.
"If yer gonna tell me ta' be nice to'im then ya can stop now. I'm not seein'im anymore." Gin replied, casting her a lazy glance.
"I know." Gin's curiosity sparked at the statement.
"Oh really? I guess he would've told ya by now." He said as he waited for Rangiku to elaborate.
"Yeah, why didn't either of you say you were having problems? I didn't know things were bad enough that the two of you would decide to break things off. Izuru never seemed like one to agree to that without trying to save things first." Rangiku stopped as a thoughtful look crossed her face.
So Izuru told her it was a mutual separation? Well, he supposed that could be true, he hadn't exactly stayed around to see what Izuru had to say about the whole thing.
"I guess it must've been pretty much gone though since he and Shu are already getting back together." Rangiku took another sip of coffee.
Gin kept his expression neutral, though the faint throb in his chest flared up at her last statement. He had expected that this was how things would go right? That's why he'd left in the first place, so why was he somehow disappointed by what Rangiku told him? Somehow it just seemed wrong that Izuru was already sharing so much with his friends, he had never thought Izuru was so open about his personal life…
"Hey, are you alright? You're staring into space again." Rangiku's voice snapped him ut of his thoughts and he scolded himself for having gotten distracted so easily.
"I'm fine, I didn't sleep well so I'm feelin' out of it." He answered her, giving her his usual grin.
"I guess you were sick too then, Izuru didn't sleep good either." Rangiku commented. "Well, I'm going to go since you obviously aren't feeling very social right now; besides, I have some things to do." She rose to her feet and flashed him a smile before leaving, waving at him as she passed by the window.
Gin spent a few more minutes watching people pass by the window before he decided to return home. If he wasn't going to make an effort to meet someone new then he might as well go take a nap.
When he reached his apartment he wandered around the small space for a while, not entirely sure he really wanted to lie down. If he didn't just fall asleep then it would be too easy for his mind to start wandering again…not that it hadn't been for most of the day. Maybe he should've gone to class, that might've given him something to think on instead of all these weird feelings.
He finally resigned himself to his bed, realizing that his mind was going to wander regardless of where he was so he might as well make himself comfortable. He had already spent a goodly amount of his time trying to sort through the knots he'd tied himself into for no apparent reason.
He'd started to come to a conclusion that he wasn't entirely sure about. He wasn't used to the pain he was feeling and he wasn't sure just how to name it. There were a few things he suspected it might be, but he couldn't force his mind around them or accept them. He just didn't feel things like that, it wasn't something he did; there was nothing more to it than that.
But that didn't really make anything any better. That didn't motivate him to find a new play thing; it didn't make his bed seem any less empty now. But how could he possibly be feeling anything for someone else, especially not someone who hadn't even been as attached to him as his past endeavors.
The fact was, Gin Ichimaru just did not develop feelings for anybody; it just isn't a safe move. Feelings make it too easy for someone to use you in their own games. Then again, that was exactly what Izuru had done wasn't it? Used him from the very start. That was it, that's what the feeling was, just wounded pride. He'd keep telling himself that for now, even though somewhere in his mind he knew it wouldn't hold up for very long.
A/N: Well...more angst lol. Anyway, as I said, I didn't think about how things tend to drag out more than I think they will so this is not the last chapter...obviously. So there will be a chapter 10 (hopefully in a decent amount of time) I don't know if it will go to 11 or not...once again I am a crappy gauge of space needed for certain scenes. So...there might be one more chapter or two more or one abnormaly long one, or one normal one and a strangely short one...who can say for certain? Not I. Either way, be forewarned that the story is in fact drawing to a close XP I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I'll try to have the next one up soon!!
Also, thanks for the enourmous amount of reviews so far!! You guys make me so very happy!
