Chapter 9
Kenshin went to gather the dirty laundry that sat near the bathroom, waiting to be washed. He needed to keep his hands busy, to keep a task at hand, anything to keep him from being still and thinking too much. Megumi still sat with Kaoru in their bedroom, tending her wound, making sure that there were no more problems to be had. Kenshin hadn't asked the particulars. He didn't think he could bear knowing any of the details.
Coming to the laundry, he lifted it and went to the washtub that sat in the middle of the courtyard. Mechinically, he took out the top sheet and began to scrub it against the washboard. He sighed as he rubbed it harder against the board. Though his hands may be busy, it couldn't keep his mind blank and unthinking, as much as he wanted to escape.
As he washed the sheet, he let his mind wander to the thoughts that kept pressing him, demanding to be heard.
What had the baby been? A girl or a boy? If it had been a girl, Kenshin wondered it she would have looked like Kaoru. Maybe she would have enjoyed playing with dolls rather than with wooden swords, or maybe she would have been just like her mother. Maybe she would have had red hair, like him, and maybe she would have been quiet and sweet.
If it had been a boy, Kenshin thought with a wistful smile that it would have interesting to have had to raise a son, who would no doubt want to learn sword fighting. Maybe he would have looked like him, a double of his father. Or maybe he would have had turned out quite differently…
Kenshin stopped in his washing, his hand still submerged in the sudsy water as he gazed at his reflection in the tub. What good did it do to wonder? He would never know. Not ever. No matter how much he wanted to.
Shaking the wet sheet out, he folded it and put it an empty woven basket at his side. He turned to reach for another sheet, but his hand stopped short.
So much blood. The material was soaked, so that it looked as if it had been dyed a deep red. Kenshin stared down at it, his eyes wide, unable to touch it. he slowly withdrew his hand, and it fell, clenched, in his lap.
Behind him, he heard the door slide open, and Megumi's slow steps come down the stairs and towards him.
"Ken-san, I think I'm going to-" Megumi's voice stopped short as she came up beside him. "Oh…"
Kenhsin looked up. Her face was distressed and remorseful, her hand to her mouth.
"Oh, Kenshin, I'm sorry," she said, quickly bending down to take the basket of bloodied sheets. "I didn't even think…" She hefted the basket in her arms. "Let me wash those for you."
"So much…" he said to himself. He slowly stood and pressed his knuckles to his eyes, letting his hair fall over his face. "I will be glad when this is past me, and I can forget all of this."
Megumi didn't say anything for a long while. When Kenshin lifted his head, she merely looked sad.
"I'm going to go home now," she told him, her voice gentle. "Kaoru is fine. She will feel weak and ill for a few days, but her body is recovering well. But…" She paused, looking hesitant. "But you need to talk to her, Kenshin. Talk this whole thing out. Don't be afraid to. Don't run away from it."
Slowly turning, she walked to the dojo gates, her words echoing in Kensin's mind. He was afraid. As much as he longed to help Kaoru, and to be with her, he dreaded it.
And he didn't really know why. She was his wife, and he loved her, hated seeing her suffer so much. But…to talk about this…to have to tell her what had happened between him and Yahiko…to have to face his grief all over again, over the baby, over Yahiko, over his own guilt…
It was so much to bear, it made him feel bowed with weariness. Yet, as Kenshin looked towards his closed bedroom door, he knew that he had no choice. It was his burden to carry, and he would carry it, as he had carried his burdens in the past.
i-i-i
Kaoru was sitting up on her futon, brushing out her long black hair as Kenshin came in with the tray in his hands. She looked up at him and gave him a thin smile as he set the tray down beside her.
"I thought you might be thirsty." He placed a small cup in her hands. "But the tea is very hot."
"Thank you." She sipped it slowly, gratefully. Kenshin noticed that she grimaced as she lowered the cup, touching the cut on her face gingerly.
He sat down and crossed his legs underneath him, taking a cup for himself. "Megumi-dono says that you are recovering," he said. The words sounded lame and conversational to his ears, but Kaoru didn't seem to notice.
"I'm tired mostly. And this hurts." She gestured to her face. Her brows suddenly furrowed as she leaned forward. "I just remembered to ask you. Where is Yahiko?"
"Why do ask?"
"Has he been back?"
"No."
His terse reply obviously caught her off guard. She looked at him closely.
"We need to talk about it, Kenshin."
He looked down at his tea. "I know," he said quietly.
"What happened between you two?" she asked. "What was it?"
He was silent for a moment. He struggled to find the words, trying to choose them carefully. "It was…something…that explained his…outburst the other night."
When he looked up to meet her blue eyes, they were insistent, prodding him to go on.
"I heard Yahiko leave in the middle of the night. I slipped out behind him and followed him a great distance from here to a little house in some neighborhood. When I saw him give a password, I knew that whatever he was doing was something secret, so I crept behind the house and listened to the conversation that took place inside. When I heard what was said, I nearly couldn't believe it. It was so foolish."
He took a deep breath, forcing himself to continue. "He was meeting with a group of anarchists, obviously led by a young leader, who were wanting to overthrow the government and restore samurai order." Kenshin shook his head. "Of all things, their first step was to kill the German ambassador, and start chaos. And who should have been chosen for the assassination, but our Yahiko." He sighed and leaned his head against his hand. "His samurai pride…"
"But surely-" Kaoru gasped. "Surely he didn't want to do it…"
Kenshin straightened. "Do you wonder why he crossed swords with me? When he came home, drunk with alcohol and his own pride, of course I confronted him. When he wanted to fight me, I thought he must have gone mad. But…he surprised me. You saw…how much he had changed."
Kaoru nodded, her face distressed.
"He kept attacking, but I didn't retaliate. I…I couldn't bring myself to fight against the boy…that had nearly been like…a son to me." Kenshin's voice dropped to a whisper. He bent his head.
Silence hung over the room. He didn't lift his face, but watched small droplets of Kaoru's tears fall on the sheets at her lap.
"I didn't know," she said softly. "Poor Yahiko."
"Poor Yahiko?" He gaped at her, bewildered. "How can you say that? After what he did to you, after what he did to us?"
Kaoru's eyes brimmed with tears. "What else can I say? The poor boy is confused, is so lost…and now where can he be?"
"I told him to leave," Kenshin admitted softly. "I told him to never come back. I was so furious with him, with his stupidity, with his carelessness. I couldn't stand to look at him."
"Oh, Kenshin," Kaoru wept. "What if something has happened to him? What if he has done something to himself?"
"I am sure that Yahiko can fend for himself," Kenshin said soothingly, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Kenshin, you have to go find him!" Kaoru gripped his arm. Her cheeks were moist with her tears, and her eyes red. "You have to tell him that he is forgiven!"
She held his arm tighter, searching his face. He didn't speak as he slowly withdrew his hand, biting his lip.
"But he isn't," Kenshin whispered. "He isn't forgiven. I can't forgive him."
"But, Kenshin-"
"I feel that he has hurt me beyond what happened…with our baby. He has spat upon, has totally disregarded everything we ever gave him, ever hoped for him. It is a slap in the face, and a dishonor that I cannot dismiss as easily as you do." His tone was harsh, sharp.
Kaoru wept openly, but her eyes suddenly flashed. "I don't dismiss it easily!" she cried, her fist pounding against her lap. "I am hurt as much as you are!"
"Then how can you forget what he has done?" Kenshin gestured towards the door, his voice rising. "How can you forget what he intended to do? He plotted to kill a man! He is a murderer, Kaoru!"
"And so are you!"
Her shouted words hung in the air, tainting it. Kaoru stared at him, looking aghast at her own words. He stared back, his mouth open, unable to speak.
"Kenshin…I didn't mean…I didn't…" Kaoru covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry…"
He watched as her back bent with heavy, gut-wrenching sobs, racking her body with each breath. Letting out a long sigh, Kenshin moved towards her, letting her lean back against him as she cried.
"So many tears," he murmured as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "When will we be happy again?"
i-i-i
Author's note: This is a rather short chapter, but I felt that the last quote was a good stopping place. As you may have noticed, the posting is now at once a week. I will continue to persevere, however!
Also, I am sorry that there is so much crying going on in this thing. It just seems that as I think of these situations, crying seems like the most plausible response.
Ah well. Perhaps I should changed the genre to tragedy.
