Dear Journal
That… That went well. I think. We had lunch together in a private area – just as I had asked. I told him what I was feeling – both the physical and emotional stuff about His Majesty (not telling Cang who it was of course) and asked him what it meant. I… I also babbled about being scared that it was a bad thing – that I might try to hurt whoever it was or that I was getting sick or something.
Cang said that I was lovesick. I started to freak out when he explained to me that being lovesick meant that I had a crush on or was starting to fall in love with the person I was feeling this complicated mess of emotions for. He also said that depending on who I was crushing on it was best either to try and ignore these emotions as this person was already attached to someone else, or to find a quiet moment to confess what I felt for that person.
He said there was a third option, which was to wait and see if these emotions developed further and if it would be a good idea to approach this person or to let the feelings die. He also said it depended on the rank of who the person was as well – given the fact that we both are stern ritter it's not encouraged to date the lesser ranked Quincy or kami forbid the arrancar.
It was then that I had admitted that this person was of the highest tier of the Quincy. Not who of course and I just… I don't know what to do… But the answers he gave me were very helpful! I now know that I'm not a danger to anyone but myself, but that seems to be rather standard from what I am beginning to remember of my past before I had been captured by those bastard Soul Reapers.
I just… I can't just go up to His Majesty and tell him that I'm lovesick for him. That… No. I'm almost certain that would end badly especially if we're in public… Besides he'd probably just think I'm confusing my loyalty to him and devotion for our cause to a… A.. A crush. I just… I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do.
But waiting and trying to sort out what I truly feel from him – apart from a deep respect and awe for His Majesty is what I think I should do first… Although how I do that I'm not sure. Still, I am determined not to be a bother for His Majesty and I will serve him to the best of my abilities, no matter my strange personal feelings…
Damn it. I forgot to ask Cang that…. But I'm not going to. Not at least for a couple of weeks or so. I don't want him to get too uncomfortable about this… But I don't really know any of the others well enough not to get teased horribly for how I feel and/or getting bullied into potentially telling them who I care for like that. And Haschwalth-sama is kind of scary. I also don't want to burden him with the troubles of a teenage idiot like me. Maybe a meditative technique would work? Or several…. Argh I'm starting to ramble. I'll see how it goes.
