-Relapse-
-Two Weeks Ago
Systems Alliance Frigate Normandy SR-2, Engineering (Deck Four)
Tali could barely focus properly on her maintenance checks; her mind kept wandering back to her commander. It'd been over three hours since he, Javik, and Liara had left for Thessia with Cortez in the Kodiak, and still there was no word from them.
She knew the asari homeworld was burning right now; its denizens fighting a losing ground war against the Reapers, much like Palaven and Earth were. But there was a silver lining, which was why the Normandy arrived in the first place.
Aedan finally met with Councilor Tevos after the Leviathan incident (and fortunately it wasn't a waste of time, for once). She spoke of a Prothean relic on her world that might be the key to finding the Catalyst; the last piece of the Crucible needed to finally complete it. It took the Normandy an extra day of jumping through different relays to reach the Parnitha System without running into any Reaper patrols, but at least the Normandy's drive core was holding up relatively well against the stress. Adams was right on about Cerberus when it came to the SR-2—say what you want about them, but those bastards really know how to build a ship.
Ever since they departed from the Citadel, Aedan had more been...anxious? Uneasy? Yes, those would be the best human terms to describe it. He'd walk around the ship for no reason, or head down to the armory to clean and customize his weapons. He would even sit on the bed in their cabin and stare off into space sometimes, as if he were in a daze. He wasn't even interested in "relaxing" last night. Instead, he gently pushed her away, mumbling something about how tired he was. Aedan had never once turned her down before.
Of course, Tali understood, at least to a degree, what he was going though. She knew how high the stakes were surrounding this mission. Aedan even mentioned whatever they found in Thessia's archives might be the key to finally defeating the Reapers for good. But was it so important that it even had the legendary, fearless Commander Shepard, completely on edge?
She had wanted so badly to go with him, and it wasn't hard to tell he wanted the same. But since it would be an extraction mission in the middle of an active warzone where combat would be avoided as much as possible, he reasoned it would be best to go in with a small team. Javik was a natural choice, being the last living Prothean alive. Though he was no scholar, he did know a fair amount about his people's technology, and could provide a unique insight into whatever they found down there. But when Liara specifically requested to go, Thessia being her homeworld, Tali knew she'd have to stay behind.
"We'll be fine, Tali," he had told her before leaving. "Maybe it's for the best, anyway. Garrus will need you here if the Normandy comes under fire. Adams is good, and so are Kenneth and Gabby. But you're the best engineer I know."
He gave her one last, small smile as he boarded the Kodiak. "Protect our home, love. I'll be back before you know it."
On instinct, she stopped her work and felt for the small rock from Rannoch stowed away in a hidden pouch on her suit.
He'll be back soon, she thought, gently tracing her fingers over the rough edges of the keepsake, treasuring the comfort it gave her. He promised me he'd always come back.
With a final squeeze for luck, she resumed inputting command codes into the Normandy's diagnostic programs with her omni-tool. But no matter how much she tried to immerse herself in her work, Tali couldn't shake the creeping sense of dread that ate away at her subconscious.
Something's wrong, a small voice in the back of her mind whispered. She nearly jumped out of her suit when the intercom switched on.
"All hands, this is Executive Officer Vakarian. The ground team has returned and we're leaving orbit. All necessary personnel should report to their stations. We're heading for the Citadel."
There was a slight pause before he finished. "...I'm sorry to say that Thessia has fallen...Vakarian out."
Panic seized every fiber of Tali's being as she quickly finished her diagnostics, but she forced herself to stay focused long enough to make sure everything was in order. Like it or not, she still had a duty to fulfill, after all.
"Tali," a voice from behind her said as she felt a familiar hand on her shoulder. "Tali, it's okay, go to them. Kenneth and I can handle things down here."
Tali turned around to see Gabby, one of her fellow engineers that she first met during the Collector mission. Her partner, Kenneth, gave a small wave and a clearly-forced smile from his work station.
"Are you sure?" Tali asked. "What if there's a Reaper attack? I know we have the stealth drive, and it hasn't failed us yet and the drive core is holding up, but I still think some of the A4 couplings could be rewired to improve efficiency, and—"
"Tali, it's fine," Gabby interrupted, giving her friend's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "It...it didn't look too good up there. I was on my way back from the mess when Liara locked herself in her room."
"Did you see Ae—I mean, Shepard?"
Gabby frowned, shaking her head. "No, but Garrus is up there if you want ask him. He was trying to calm Liara down."
Without another word, Tali was off, hurrying to the elevator. She was surprised when Javik stepped out from behind the doors. He sized her up, standing still before he spoke.
"Your asari truly is foolish for a primitive," he sneered as he broke into a quick stride back to his room. muttering about "deities" and "foolish religions." Tali would have argued, but two people on her mind took priority over any retort.
She bounced on her toes as the elevator ascended, irritated at how long it was taking. Hundreds of possible scenarios concerning the mission ran through her head, none of them good.
Of course Liara's upset; she just lost her entire homeworld! But...was it worth it? Did they find the artifact? Of course they did, they must have! Aedan Shepard never fails.
She raced out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened. Ignoring the Memorial Wall, she sprinted to Liara's room, where she saw Garrus standing outside the door. He looked up at her as she approached.
"Garrus, what happened?" Tali asked, stopping in her tracks. From the other side of the door, she heard muffled sobs.
"It's bad," Garrus sighed. "Everyone's okay aside from some bumps and bruises, but that's as good as it gets."
"What do you mean? I know Thessia's lost, but they found the artifact at least, right?"
Garrus stared uncomfortably down at the floor. "Shepard and Javik didn't tell me much, but from what I gathered, everything went straight to hell." He looked back up at Tali, fury in his eyes. "Cerberus was there. They...those bastards beat Shepard to whatever it was they were looking for."
That same dreadful feeling from earlier returned, and Tali's thoughts turned to Aedan. Memories of another failure seven months ago flashed through her mind. Garrus seemed to be knowing what she was thinking about, even if he was unaware of what happened during that particular incident.
"Tali, I'll take care of Liara as best I can. Shepard's not taking this well at all; he's in full-blooded hothead mode. He even snapped at Joker before he stopped by the med-bay."
"Where is he?"
Garrus looked away for a moment, almost guiltily. "I couldn't stop him, he just stopped in for some medi-gel and bandages and left for his cabin."
"How long?"
"About ten minutes ago. He called me to issue orders, sounded like he could barely keep himself together. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he poured himself a stiff drink. Haven't seen him like this since—"
Tali scrambled for the elevator and smashed the button fervently for Deck One before Garrus could even finish.
-Eight Months Ago
(Former) Cerberus Private Frigate Normandy SR-2, Captain's Cabin
Tali was fidgeting with her hands as the elevator ascended to Aedan's cabin. Inwardly, she was still debating whether she should be going up to see him, but Kasumi and Garrus were both insistent.
It had been six hours since Aedan shut himself inside his cabin. Right now they were on their way back to Illium to finish the few repairs needed from the assault on the Collector base. Since that fateful (and amazing) mission, they had kept a low profile, sticking only to the Terminus Systems.
They reunited again with Liara for a time, helping her take down the Shadow Broker and saving her friend Feron in the process. Her role as the new Shadow Broker was a life-saver, allowing the Normandy to make repairs at certain dry-docks without attracting unwanted attention, in particular Cerberus. Not only that, but the vast resources that came with the position allowed them to start preparing for the Reapers and recruit allies.
On top of it all, Tali's relationship with Aedan grew stronger every moment they spent together. Since that unforgettable night before the assault, he had even invited her to share his cabin. She was also pleased that, though it was a slow process despite Mordin's help, her immune system was adapting to both the cabin and his germs.
She could wait, as long as he was here. After all, I waited two years for him.
It still felt foreign, calling him by his first name instead of "Shepard." Everyone they had ever met called him Shepard. But he insisted, and now it was becoming a habit. Not even Garrus called him by his first name; it just made what they had all the more special.
For the past few weeks, the Normandy had been actively recruiting allies against the Reapers. Things were going surprisingly well until Aedan received a priority message from Admiral Hackett requesting his assistance. What was curious was that wasn't an Alliance matter; it was a personal request from a friend, "off the record" as Aedan referred to it. Of course he accepted, even if it meant a solo mission into batarian-controlled space. He owed Hackett quite a lot for his help against Sovereign and his continued support, despite others in the Alliance calling Aedan a traitor for his association with Cerberus.
Since the beginning, the mission hadn't sat well with Tali, even more so when Aedan failed to report for almost two days after he departed. Now, she didn't know what to think. The unthinkable happened—a Mass Relay was destroyed, and the Bahak System was no more.
All those people, she thought sadly. Even if they were batarians, they were still innocents. What happened out there, Aedan? You said it would be a simple extraction mission, nothing more.
The quarian engineer took a deep breath as the elevator finally slid to a stop on Deck One. Still wringing her hands, she quietly stepped out and approached the door.
The silence was unnerving. She had expected shouting, crying...anything except silence.
Maybe he's sleeping, she thought as she approached the door, her fist raised over the door to knock. Perhaps I should come back later.
BANG!
She jumped as the unmistakable sound of a mass-accelerated pistol round resounded from within the cabin.
"Aedan!" she shouted, pounding on the door until she realized it was locked. She typed furiously away at her omni-tool.
Is he hurt? Under attack? Did an assassin slip in the last time they were on Illium? She blocked out her questions as she hacked the door in seconds. Immediately she ran through the door, eyes frantically searching for her commander.
He was sitting on the luxurious couch in the lounge area, facing the aquarium. Over a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, bourbon, and other human liquors were on the coffee table; its once-immaculate surface besmirched by spilt alcohol. Several shot glasses were haphazardly laid out as well.
Enclosed in his trembling hands was the customized M-6 Carnifex pistol he always kept hidden underneath his pillow, fresh smoke pluming from the barrel. The firearm hung loosely from fingers, the business end pointing at the floor.
His eyes were bloodshot and his skin soaked with sweat, almost as if he had been running from a thresher maw for hours on end. He didn't even seem to acknowledge her presence, let alone that he had fired his pistol. A whiff of smoke from the ceiling caught her attention. A neat, fresh bullet hole was lodged right near the skylight.
Why...? she thought, slowly piecing together the puzzle before her. Why would he shoot...
It took her less than a second to finally understand what he almost did.
She turned back to Aedan, who still stared off into space.
"Why..." she started, taking a tentative step toward him, ignoring the tears in her eyes. "Why would you ever—"
"—I don't think I ever told you this," Aedan interrupted, casually reaching out with his left hand to take another swig from a whiskey bottle. "But when I joined up with the Alliance, I wanted to make a difference in the galaxy. Prevent what happened to my family from happening to anyone else. Save humanity from the big, bad batarians raiding our colonies like wolves eating sheep."
He sighed, putting the bottle down while still staring at the wall. "For a time, I really thought I could do that. I survived boot camp, got accepted to N-school near the top of my class, even worked my way up the ranks to N7 status. The Skyllian Blitz was no picnic. We lost some good people on Elysium, but most of the civilians made it out alive thanks to us."
Tali stood motionless, not sure what to do other than listen.
"I never grew close to anyone. Sure, there was the occasional fling here and there, and Anderson was there, of course, but I never let anyone in. I focused on protecting humanity. Seeing our colonies flourish with smiling families and kids playing in the fields with nothing to worry about was good enough for me.
He took another drink. "Then I got transferred to the Normandy, and Eden Prime happened. I became a Spectre, met you and the others, and the whole hunt for Saren began. Once again I set out to save people, though on a grander scale. Millions were at risk, and we succeeded. We lost Ash, and well...that still haunts me," he paused, closing his eyes for a respectful moment before continuing. "But we did it. We saved the entire galaxy. It didn't matter if no one believed us about the Reapers, so long as everyone was safe for now. There was time to prepare, to track down evidence and make them see the truth. That's what I kept telling myself."
"Well...yes," Tali started, still nervous while Aedan had the Carnifex in his hand. It didn't take a scan with her omni-tool to tell he was drunk. "We saved them, Aedan. And you saved us as well, you know."
He grinned sheepishly at that. "I'd be lying if I said you guys didn't grow on me along the way. I'd never served with so many non-humans before, though I've never been opposed to it. It's funny; I grew closer to you, Garrus, Wrex, and Liara more than anyone else from my own species. We were like family."
He stopped, the Carnifex dangerously rattling in his shaking hands.
"And then I died," he whispered.
Tali again remained silent, a flurry of emotions threatening to return when she thought about the worst two years of her life.
"But by some divine miracle...or maybe a prank, I don't know, I'm resurrected by the very organization we swore to dismantle, piece by miserable piece." He laughed a bit before downing even more whiskey. "I wake up after losing two years of my life, they tell me. Two years? Two, fucking, years you'll never get back!? And then they stick some fancy tech in me, enough so that I'm not even fully human anymore. Hell, it takes eight full bottles of liquor to even feel a goddamn buzz. I can't even get drunk enough to forget for awhile that I was a fucking corpse!"
Tali watched in horror as Aedan stood up and threw a shot glass against the wall, sending shards everywhere. He seethed for a moment before sitting back down, playing absentmindedly with the Carnifex in his hands, breathing heavily.
"It...wasn't easy for any of us," Tali said. "Nothing was the same after you left us."
Aedan swallowed a lump in his throat, his breathing slowing back down. "I know. Seeing you on Freedom's Progress certainly wasn't. It's a miracle I even made it off of Omega with my sanity intact, let alone everywhere else that goddamn suicide mission led us."
Tali took a cautions step toward him. "Aedan—"
"—but, after awhile, I guess I sort of accepted it," he continued. "I mean, yeah it wasn't perfect, but at least I'm still me rather than some cheap Cerberus clone thinking it's me. Thankfully, I had Garrus here to get hammered with. He was just as fucked up as I was, which was fine with me. We made quite a pair, the two of us. Late night stops at the Dark Star while in dry dock, lumbering back to the Normandy at four a.m.—"
He took another breath, staring intently at the Carnifex. "We recruited homicidal maniacs, mercenaries, thieves, assassins—everyone we could to save those colonists. And all the while I took shit from the Alliance and the Council for working with terrorists. That might've been true, but at least I was actually trying to save those colonists instead of sticking my thumb up my ass and pretending everything's all sunshine and rainbows!" he yelled, seething before he calmed down again. "But then...Haestrom happened."
He stared back down at the Carnifex. "I almost lost Garrus to a missile on Omega, and I would have been damned if I lost you too. Getting to you was my only priority; nothing else mattered unless it was a survivor. Every geth in my way, I obliterated as quickly as possible. I took Garrus, Grunt, and Kasumi with me. It got to a point where Garrus became the de-facto leader since I kept rushing ahead."
Tali was quiet, horrid memories of that mission and the deaths of her team replaying themselves in her mind while she absorbed Aedan's words.
"The truth is, Tali...you were almost always on my mind after Freedom's Progress. Having you aboard again...I don't think you really know how much you saved me."
He finally looked up at Tali, and she finally noticed how puffy and wet they were. Is he...crying? I've never seen him cry, not even after Virmire.
"Me?" Tali asked, humoring him. The sooner she got that Carnifex out of his hands, the better.
"Yes, you," Aedan repeated, choking up a bit. "You...you made me feel like myself again. You know, like...feel like there's still hope in the galaxy, that it hadn't gone completely bat-shit crazy like I thought. You...you're my...I don't know. I don't know what I'd..."
Tali took that moment to close the distance. It was now or never. Carefully, she moved in front of him, crouching down to his level.
"Aedan...give me the pistol. You don't need it anymore, right?" she whispered gently.
He shook his head, tears starting to fall as he held the handle out.. She gingerly dislodged every finger from it before turning on the safety and ejecting the thermal clip. The weapon clattered harmlessly to the floor as Aedan grabbed onto her, sobbing uncontrollably into her shoulder.
He's broken, she slowly realized. This mission actually broke him.
"It's alright," she shushed him, holding her close. "It's okay, I'm here."
He was in near hysterics by this point. "No it's not! I...God Tali, I killed them all!" he screamed.
"What?" Tali asked as Aedan pulled back, looking a far cry away from the man everyone else saw him as.
"They're all dead," he whispered. "They were batarians, but they were still innocent civilians. And I condemned them to death!"
Tali stood up and climbed on the sofa, pulling Aedan to her gently as she stroked his hair. "Aedan, what happened down there?"
Tali listened intently as Aedan recounted his mission to Aratoht to rescue Dr. Amanda Kenson, and the nightmare that ensued. He told her of the asteroid where Kenson and her team were originally going to use to destroy the Mass Relay, all to prevent the Reapers from using it to invade. Her heart hurt as he told her how every one of them were indoctrinated by the very artifact they were studying, and how he was knocked out for two days, leaving only minutes to choose between the lives of an entire system full of thousands, or the trillions in the rest of the galaxy.
When he finally finished, Tali was speechless. She couldn't begin to understand what it must have been like to be in Aedan's position, holding the fates of so many lives in his hands.
"I tried to warn them, but Kenson jammed all communications," he choked. "I mean, how can you ever make a choice like that? What right did I have?"
"You did the right thing," Tali said. "I know it doesn't feel like it, but it was the best option at the time. You didn't kill those people, the Reapers did. And the same goes for those colonists the Collectors abducted. You blamed yourself for not saving the ones that were harvested, but how could you? We barely survived as it is. You can't save everyone, Aedan"
He nodded, though she didn't think he believed her.
"Missing colonists don't compare to an entire system," Aedan muttered. "No one's ever destroyed a Mass Relay before. I...I don't deserve to live for this—"
SLAP!
"Bosh'tet!" Tali yelled as Aedan stared at her in shock. "Don't...don't you ever say that again," she hissed. "Is that why you tried to kill yourself? Because you did your best? Ancestors, Aedan, look at yourself! Don't you think this is exactly what the Reapers want you to do? What were you thinking?! This isn't the man who selflessly gave me one of the greatest pilgrimage gifts my people have ever seen! Think about all the lives you did save!"
"Tali, I—"
"Don't," Tali said, pushing away from him while hugging herself tightly. "Don't you understand how much you matter to all of us? To me? Did you even think about anyone other than yourself when you put that pistol to your head?"
He stayed silent, staring at the wall again like she found him before. She waited for a response, a retort...anything, really. He remained motionless.
Close to tears by now, she started walking out of the room, taking the Carnifex with her.
"...I did."
The words were soft, but enough to stop her. He was looking straight at her, though with more raw emotion in those blue eyes of his than she'd seen all night. "It's why I pulled away at the last moment. Everyone's faces went through my mind. Yours especially, Tali. I...I don't know...I...I..."
The alcohol finally started to take its toll on his body as Aedan closed his eyes and passed out cold.
Gently dislodging herself, she cleaned up the glass and the bottles and threw them all in the waste disposal chute. She went through every centimeter of the cabin and chucked any alcohol she found, even the dextro stuff that probably belonged to Garrus.
I don't care if they're angry with me later, he's not touching another drop of this stuff!
Aedan hadn't moved an inch once she was done. She debated moving him to the bed, but he was far too heavy. Finally, she settled on turning him to his side and throwing a blanket over him. With only the aquarium and the stars above for light, she took his head into her lap, playing with his hair absentmindedly and running her fingers through it. She stayed that way for most of the night until she passed out as well.
Things changed for the better between them after that night, and though neither of them mentioned what occurred, Tali had a feeling Aedan remembered every detail. He swore off drinking for good from that moment onward (the awful hangover he suffered from the next day probably helped). Though Garrus asked some questions about it at first, he didn't dig around for the real reason. Neither did Kasumi or the others.
The next day, Hackett arrived unexpectedly for a personal debriefing. A few weeks later, the Normandy was ordered to Earth by Alliance Command with the risk of being labeled fugitives if Aedan didn't comply.
He'd been true to his word about sobriety, but with this latest setback on Thessia, Tali feared the worst as she waited impatiently for the elevator to finish ascending.
When the doors finally opened, she rushed out, much like she did almost eight months earlier. The door wasn't locked this time, but it was still eerily silent. She jogged in, eyes looking around the darkened room for Aedan.
He was almost in the same place as before, staring at the aquarium this time as its denizens roamed lazily around their habitat, oblivious to the troubles of the universe.
"Aedan?"
He looked up, a haggard mess, but sober to her relief. "Hey," he whispered. Before he could say another word she took off her mask and went over to him, hugging him close and kissing his cheek.
"When Garrus told me how you reacted, I thought about...well, last time."
"I was tempted," he said as she pulled away, looking at him. "Anderson kept a small stash underneath the desk. Almost unlocked it, but then I thought about...well, Bahak."
Her eyes softened as he sighed, looking back at the aquarium. "Like you said Tali, I can't save them all."
"No," Tali replied, resting her head on his shoulder, "but that doesn't make it your fault, either."
"It's not about fault. I was supposed to stop them."
"And you will."
"I hope so, Tali. It was just as bad as Earth. I...I don't know if I can keep doing this. Earth, Palaven, now Thessia? I'm risking everything to build the Crucible, and I'm not even sure what it does! Who am I to make that call?"
"Look at me," Tali said, gently turning his head so that his eyes locked with hers. "You're the one who was always right. All along. You fought when no one else would. When no one else believed you. And if's that not enough to convince you...you're the man I love. Don't forget that, no matter what happens."
She pulled him in for a kiss, which he returned wholeheartedly to her relief.
For the next two hours they comforted each other until exhaustion took them both; a brief respite from a war that, for many, was starting to look hopeless.
Yes, I'm back baby! Hey all, Sheik here. Thanks for all the favs/follows and reviews I've gotten for this story, and my apologies for the long delay—a ten-week internship, a summer class, work and job searching have all been consuming my time (not to mention I got a bit out of Mass Effect and played Bioshock 1, Infinite and Batman Arkham Asylum since they were cheap on Amazon (working on Arkham City on occasion). After that game and Bioshock 2, I'm taking a break from games, and will devote all free time not spent replaying ME2 and 3 to writing my stories and making it so this, "Heart of Steel," and "Insurrection" are my only ongoing projects aside from original fiction.
Sorry if this chapter was heavy on the feels, this is probably as far as I'm going with the heavily-depressing stuff for now. Thessia was kind of the climax for intense emotional stuff (though there still might be some here and there for the remaining chapters), so expect some more light-hearted moments coming up.
Not much else to say except there's more to come, thanks again for all your support and for making this story such a joy to work on, and please take the time to review! They make my day and let me gauge how you're all feeling. Later!
-Sheik
