1 Month Later (6 Months After)


"Where are we on the case?"


"Okay, let's see if we can find out who he was talking to."


"Alright, you two go track down the guy that he was involved with."


"The wife must have known something, let's find out what she was hiding."


"Okay, good job guys. We can do this all tomorrow. Go home."

Kate watched as her team dispersed into the elevator and the stairwell on their way home to their families. The murder board was giving her nothing. The case was dead. She had been in this position before and she felt guilty for doing what she was about to, but she grabbed her stuff and followed her team. Staying here for even one more hour would not solve it before morning.

"You ready?" she called into the break-room while looking at her phone.

"Yeah, give me a sec."

Castle gathered his things and met Kate at the elevator. This had become routine now - leaving when she was ready.

"What do you want tonight?"

"I don't know. Italian maybe? What do you want,"

Both of them looked at their phones and gave half of their attention to each other.


They reached the apartment with food in hand and not speaking. Kate put everything in its usual spot and Castle as well. He settled in his space on the couch and Kate sat in the chair adjacent to him. They turned on the news and ate their dinner. When they were finished the individually put their trash away, said goodnight, and went to bed – Kate in her room and Castle still on the couch. This was normal for them. Castle was used to spending the nights on the couch. He didn't think about it; he didn't need to.

On a normal night, Kate goes into her room and changes into her pajamas. She would enter her bathroom and put her clothes in her hamper. She'd grab a bar of soap and wash her face and then she'd brush her teeth. Kate would get into bed, maybe read for a bit, set her alarm and fall asleep. If this were a normal night she would have easily drifted off, but tonight she didn't. She was tired, yes, but she tossed around the bed. The sheets became tangled in her feet and the uncomfortable feeling of a disheveled bed forced her to remake it. She laid back down and rolled into the perfect position on her stomach – one leg bent with her foot near her knee – wrapped her hands around her pillow. But that didn't work. She had the case on her mind and she was wide-awake. And when Kate is wide-awake everything becomes a subject of debate. She rolled over onto her back and looked at the ceiling. She wasn't upset, but she wasn't happy either. She felt like she was programmed to do everything. Get up. Get ready. Go to work. Solve case. Come home. Eat dinner. Go to Bed. Repeat. She didn't feel emotion. She needed to feel emotion again. She forced herself to think about her son and immediately felt guilty for moving on slightly. Her therapist said this would happen. That she would feel fine and that she should enjoy it. But, after Kate forced it out of Castle, she found that he had warned him that this grace period was only temporarily. The closer she got to the anniversary the harder it would be. But Kate didn't feel it. She felt okay. But she didn't. She wanted things to be easier. She sat up and swung her legs around to the side of the bed. Her mind was on fire. Water. She would get water and then it would be easier to fall asleep. It's been an hour. Castle is asleep – she didn't need to throw on a sweatshirt. She tiptoed out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. She opened the cabinet and grabbed a cup of water to –

"Couldn't sleep either."

"Castle! God. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay. I'm still awake."

"Yeah, I know how you feel."

"Kate, you need a new couch. This one really is horrible. I've been meaning to get you a new one, but really. This is not comfortable today."

"Sorry. I don't know what else to tell you."

She knew exactly what her options were. Castle could share her bed – but that would be weird, right? They were technically single, neither in a relationship, but still they weren't together. There was an unspoken rule somewhere in there. Castle could also go home for the night. Sleep in his own bed. Kate was doing better and she suddenly felt guilty that she took this man from his entire life back home.

"Castle, if it's really an inconvenience, you could go home for the night." Kate asked more than stated. She didn't want him to go, but she didn't want to be rude either.

"I'm fine. Go back to bed. I'll see you in the morning."


The next morning was just as it was the week before. Castle had gotten up early to stop back home. He did this every Thursday. Just before the weekend but not a Friday. He brought his duffle bag with him and swapped out his clothes. He would go home after work and do his laundry, see his family, then come over later tonight. Kate went to work by herself - accompanied only by the coffee that was waiting for her on the kitchen island. She drove to the precinct and was whisked away to a new lead. She texted Castle the address and he met her there. They went about their day like every other day. And when it ended, Castle went home. But before he could completely leave her sight, Kate stopped him.

"Castle. Let's try something new," she said, finding his eyes. "I think I'm ready. Stay home tonight. Sleep at your house. I'll meet you in the morning."

"Are – are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Castle was surprised. Not about Kate being okay. He knew she was doing a lot better, but by the difference in the routine. He brushed it off.

"Are you going home too?"

"Probably not. I'll finish up here and get home later."

"Okay, well – text me when you get home?"

"Okay. Goodnight."


"Detective Beckett, you have a phone call."

She turned around to see one of the new temps from the office pointing to the ringing phone at her desk.

"Oh, sorry, thanks."

Kate walked over and sat in her chair to pick up the phone.

"Beckett."

"Kate Beckett?" a bright female voice questioned.

"This is she."

"Hi, my name is Sarah and I am calling on behalf of Dr. Hanes office."

A twinge shot down Kate's spine and sent adrenaline throughout her body. Why was her OB-GYN calling her?

"Okay. . . "

"We need you to pick up the files you have still here at the office. We tried your home number and your cell . . . we close at six today -"

Kate looked at her watch. It was just about to be five right now.

"Okay. I can stop by when I leave work. May I ask what files you have there?"

"Things that you must have forgotten when you left the hospital. Pictures, little cards. Things moms like to have when they bring baby home. Put in the scrapbook."

She didn't know. She wasn't her doctor. She didn't have her record. Kate forced these thoughts into her head. This was just an office temp. It's okay. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Forced it deep down to join the heaviness inside her chest.

"Okay. Thanks. I'll be there soon."

Kate hung up the phone and sat back in her chair. She could do this, she knew she could. First attempt to take something on her own. Hold her own hand through it. She could prove to herself – and Castle – that she could really live on her own and be okay with it, whether she liked it or not. She grabbed her coat and packed up her desk for the evening. Her doctor wasn't far, but she didn't want to be there right as they were closing.

When she reached the office door she took breath. She could do this. Kate opened the door and stepped inside. Three rows of identical chairs separated her from the sliding glass window that held some file that she hadn't known about. She walked up to the window and the woman on the other side slid it open. She was wearing scrubs and had blonde hair that was tied into a ponytail. Her nametag said Sarah – the woman on the phone – and she looked like an office temp, exactly like she had thought. Sarah had to be younger than Kate, but older than 25.

"Hi, I'm Kate Beckett. You called me about half an hour ago?"

"Yes! Hi. Let me go grab your stuff," Sarah said as she walked around the office. "The hospital didn't have an address to send the file to so they sent it here. You must not have gone with your doctor or to your regular hospital to have your baby. We had it thinking that you were going to stop back in for your checkup, but at six months we have to clear out the old random things. So I thought I'd give you a call to see if you want it."

The woman walked behind the wall that led probably to more files. A moment later she came back with a brown file in hand with three red and green squares on the side.

"Here it is."

Sarah opened it to check to make sure that everything was still inside.

"OH. Good thing I called you. You wouldn't want to lose these!."

Sarah held open the file to the hand and footprints of Kate's son. Kate didn't think they took any but here they were. Her eyes began to feel tingly. She could hold it together. She smiled and looked up at the woman.

"Thank you."

"Are those of your little boy or little girl?" she asked innocently.

"My son."

"Little boys are the greatest. Have a great night." She said with a smile and closed the window.

Kate turned around and walked out of the office.


Back at her apartment she put the file down. She wasn't afraid to go through it, she just didn't know if she could do it by herself. She wanted to. She wanted to tear through that file and see every last bit of her child. She didn't remember giving birth to him. She only remembers holding him after it was too late. Castle didn't get to see him either. Everything that she had left was sitting two feet away from her. She gained the invisible strength and walked to her kitchen island to felt the folder. Just like any other typical business folder. Brown with BEC, K on the file tab. Just think of it like that, she told herself over and over, but it wasn't sinking in. This was never going to be just another file. She opened it and saw the familiar footprints with the handprints above it. She rubbed her fingers over the tiny feet. Her son was a real person. He didn't have a birth certificate. Laws defined him as a fetus and not a baby because he had never taken his first breath. But she had these prints. On the bottom of the page had Baby Boy Beckett. She turned it over and looked at what else was in the file. Her hospital bracelet that Castle must have cut off of her while she was sleeping. In a bag behind it was her son's tiny hospital bracelet. It fit around her finger. She didn't remember any of this. She knew that it all happened, but she couldn't put a timeline in her head. She closed the folder with tears running down her face.

She went into her room, confused and upset. The picture frame containing the last sonogram she had done was next to her nightstand. For her "going back to work" present Castle had the 3D image framed for her. She had it in her mirror for a while, but now it was protected. The tiny little face still growing inside her will forever be next to her at the end of the night. Her tears became faster. The still emotion that was inside her became full again. Her need for her son was there. It had resurfaced. She needed it to go back down. She had work the next day. She forced herself into her routine. Her therapist said it would help to keep one. She went into her bathroom, washed her face, brushed her teeth. Her pajamas were on. But she couldn't make herself lie in her bed. She felt lonely, empty. Her apartment was empty. She went out to the couch that now had an indent towards the end Castle slept on. She usually walked out to him when she felt this way. They would talk or just sit in silence. Sometimes they would eat whatever leftovers they had. The mood would switch and Kate would be able to fall asleep whether it was out in the living room or in her bed. She fell down in his spot and let the tears stain the pillow under her head. She turned her face into it and cried. It smelled like him. A wave of comfort flushed over her and ran down her back. She grabbed the pillow and sat up. She took another whiff of the scent that was too familiar.


Kate woke up a few hours later. Her room was dark. She rolled over and felt the pillow still under her head. But it wasn't enough. Why was she acting like this? It's been six months. Only six months. She was forcing herself to move on when she needed to be patient. She sat up and reached for the light. Her sweatshirt was sitting on the dresser across from her. It was the inciting incident for the rest that soon followed. She grabbed her shoes from the basket by her closet and put them on. Her pace quickened as she grabbed her keys and ran out the door.

The elevator would not come quick enough. Kate pressed the buttons repeatedly until it finally opened its doors. It crawled down to the lobby where everything was still. It was late; she didn't want to take the subway. She walked onto the main street and hailed a taxi, but she left her wallet upstairs. Castle would pay. Kate told the man the address she needed to go to and asked him to hurry. She played with her fingers, scrapped off nail polish. Looked out the window – then the other. She had useless energy.

"This is it," she said leaning into the front of the taxi. "Okay. I'll be back down with money."

"Okay. Meter is still running."

She pressed the button for the elevator, but it was taking to long. She looked to the door next to it and pushed it open. Skipping stairs, she ran until she got to the right floor. Her heart was going to pound out of her chest. She couldn't control the desperate need that she had inside of her; the familiar want for comfort. She ran to the door down the hallway and knocked on it. She didn't stop knocking until Castle opened. Kate stepped inside and flung her arms around him.

"Kate, what's wrong?!"

"Don't leave me again," she said out of breath.

"Okay. I won't." Castle said, confused, with his arms now around her. He rubbed her back as he shut the door. They stood in the doorway to his loft for a while. Kate cried, wiped away tears. Cried again. She tilted her head upward to look at him. Her eyes were red and her face was wet. He reached a hand up and wiped away a tear that was forming.

"Castle?"

"Yeah."

"You need to pay the taxi driver."

Confused at first, but he registered it. "Okay," He said with a slight laugh. "I'll get it."He moved around her and let go.

"I'll be five minutes. Go lie down."

"Okay."

Castle walked out of his apartment and took the elevator to the taxi driver who was getting a great deposit on this trip. The actual driving wasn't the majority of the cost. He walked back into his building and took the elevator.. He was five minutes, not that long. Castle turned the key and walked into his apartment.

"Kate?"

He looked on the couch and didn't find her. He knew where she went. He walked into his darkened bedroom and saw the small lump in his bed, asleep.


I have a grief process that I am following for Kate. I have gotten some response that opposed it. I am trying to be as realistic as possible - from research and personal experience of many different situations. However, I love your opinion! Reviews are always wanted. Also, I need a new info/description. As you can see this doesn't really follow that anymore. I've got some in mind, but I want to hear what you guys think! Send me them either here or on tumblr and I'll let you know if I pick yours! I've also have new ideas for other stories but I can take suggestions. Let me know!

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