Chapter 9 – The Funeral
Catherine and Jim arrived at quarter past nine, they knocked and waited for Gil to answer the door. After a few minutes Grissom opened the door and stepped back silently to allow them through.
He was still dressed in jogging bottoms and a sweatshirt that Sara often had stolen off him when she was cold. It still smelt of her.
"Gil," Catherine said gently, "you need to get ready."
Grissom nodded and left the room, still without saying anything.
"Shit." Brass said, collapsing down on Grissom's sofa.
"Yeah." Catherine agreed subconsciously taking in her surroundings. It looked like nothing had changed since Sara had last been there, like Grissom hadn't wanted to touch anything. Sara's jacket was still thrown over the back of the sofa, her favourite mug was beside the sink after she's had a cup of coffee of her last day here.
"I don't know how we're going to get him through this." Catherine said as she stopped to look at the photos that Grissom had left out on the coffee table.
"If we can get him through today then he can start to grieve properly." Jim said without looking convinced. "How are the guys coping? I've not had the chance to see them much since..."
"Warrick's hiding it all with anger but he hates that he couldn't protect her. Nick feels guilty that he never knew that things were so tough for Sara. And Greg's not really saying much at all, he's really missing her, she trained him. I think he's lost a lot of confidence, he's having a tough time dealing with cases." Catherine said shaking her head.
"And you?"
"Me? I'm fine."
Brass raised his eyebrows.
"I saw all the signs that something was wrong and I never asked her. I gave her such a hard time when the team got split up. And after Eddie died."
"You shouldn't feel guilty. Sara didn't want to talk about it. We couldn't force her to."
"How are you coping? Sara was like a daughter to you."
"Can't get the image out of my head."
Catherine didn't need to ask what the image was. She was having trouble forgetting the sight of Sara lying dead.
A door shut quietly and Catherine turned to see Grissom dressed in a black suit, tying a black tie around his neck. He shuffled passed them to a half empty bottle of whiskey, he poured himself a large glass and swallowed it quickly.
"You want one?" He said shrugging as he caught sight of Catherine and Brass watching him.
"No thanks." Jim replied as Gil poured himself another glass of whiskey and drank it down. He needed Dutch courage to get through today.
"The car will be here in a minute." Catherine said gently. "The guys are going to meet us at the church."
Gil sat down and looked through the pile of photos until he came to one that he had taken of her when she wasn't expecting it. She had been sat looking at a forensic journal. She was dressed casually, no makeup, pyjama bottoms and a tank top, hair tied back, beautiful in Gil's eyes. She'd looked up at the last minute and was saying his name. It was his favourite photo of her, she looked so natural in it. He stared at it for a moment or two and then slid it into his pocket when he heard the door bell ring.
"That'll be the car." Catherine said quietly.
Gil looked at the hearse through the window, the sight of her coffin was too much.
"I can't do this." He muttered backing away from the window. "I can't, I, I can't."
"You can. You need to do this. You'll regret it later if you don't."
"I can't say good bye."
"It's not going to make it any less real if you don't."
Gil swallowed loudly and nodded. "Ok."
Catherine placed a comforting hand on his back as they left the house and got into the car.
---
Jim and Catherine sat either side of Gil in the church, Warrick sat on Catherine's other side, then Nick and then Greg. In the row behind sat the lab rats, Al Robbins and David. The rest of the church was filled with the majority of Las Vegas law enforcement and several of Sara's friends and colleagues from San Francisco.
Gil wasn't listening to anything said during the funeral. Instead he took the necklace that he had given Sara for their first anniversary out of his pocket and held it tightly in his hand. He thought of Sara, of every moment they shared together, he didn't want to forget a second of it. He thought of the silent moments, where neither needed to say anything, when they enjoyed comfortable silence. Of the hours they spent working together, crawling around filthy crime scenes, him being distracted from the case by the look of concentration on her face. He remembered the time they spent cuddled up together in bed, chatting about nonsense, anything that came into their heads without worrying about how it sounded.
Gil was distracted from his thoughts by Brass nudging him. "It's time for you to say something, about Sara."
Gil slowly got up and went to the front. He looked surprised, like he hadn't realised that anyone else was there.
"Most of you are here because you knew Sara professionally. You knew her intelligence, her dedication, her determination. When Sara was on a case nothing else mattered, she wouldn't eat, sleep, take a break until the case was over, until she'd solved it. But there was another side of Sara that most of you would never have seen. Away from the lab Sara was amazing. She's so beautiful, so funny. When it was just me and her we could go for hours without saying anything, because we didn't need to. I just had to look at her and I knew exactly what she was thinking. It took me seven years before I got up the courage to ask Sara out, now I can't stop thinking about how much time I wasted, how unimportant my worries seem now. I wish I could change things, I wish I could bring her back. And I don't know what to do without her." He finished quietly and returned to sit down.
Somehow Grissom got through the rest of the service and then it was just him and the team at the cemetery for the burial. The team gathered around him in support, they linked arms in one long chain as the coffin was lowered into the ground. Grissom shook with silent sobs. Tears ran down Catherine's cheeks, and none of the guys eyes were dry.
When it was over, the team stepped away from the grave respectfully to allow Grissom some time alone. They walked together through the graveyard silently. Sara was on all of their minds.
Grissom sat down on the grass beside the grave.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I'm promised that I would protect you. I promised that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you again. And I wasn't there for you. I'll never forgive myself for that. Never. I'd do anything to bring you back. I wish I was with you so much. I don't know what to do without you. Don't know how to live without you anymore."
Catherine returned after half an hour. "Maybe we should go now." She said softly.
Gil shook his head. "I'm going to spend a little while longer with her."
"I'll stay with you."
"No, it's ok Catherine. You go back with everyone else. I can't leave her just yet."
"Are you sure? I don't mind staying?"
"No, go on. Go back with the others. I'll be ok." Gil tried to look reassuring, all he wanted was to be alone with Sara.
"Ok Gil. Ring us if you need us." She said and walked back to the group shaking her head slightly.
The rest of the team went to drown their sorrows at a bar near the lab. Brass bought a round and carried it over to the table where the team had gathered. They each took their drinks and held them up. "To Sara." They muttered simultaneously.
---
Gil remained at the side of the grave for several hours before walking back to the lab. He couldn't face going home to the silence now she wasn't there, but he needed to be somewhere where she felt close.
He sat at his desk as exhaustion hit him suddenly. He hadn't slept in his bed since Sara had died, it didn't feel right any more. The only sleep he had got was a few hours here and there on the sofa when tiredness and alcohol had got too much for him. Holding the necklace in his hand he felt his eyes closing as sleep slowly overcame him.
"Gil, Gil, wake up."
I know I am being really mean to Grissom. Some of you might call it torture. But I might start being nice to him soon. Only one chapter left I think. The more reviews I get the faster I write so please review cos I have tonsillitis at the moment and reviews make me feel much better!
