Thank you, Sairs J for your help in editing the chapter.

For those of you who have read and responded, thank you!

I'd like to share a little bit of what is going through my mind when I'm writing this story in hopes that things may make more sense, since everyone has their own interpretation on what exactly everything means. First, it is not my intention to take Sam or Andy's side, as I feel that they have both made some unwise choices, no matter what led up to their decisions.

I feel that Andy's issues likely stem from her mother's departure and her father's alcoholism, which appear to cause insecurities that lead her to making choices that aren't always for the best in the long run. I don't think her character is doing it on purpose to hurt anyone, but her longing for a sense of security and her "different" ways of thinking seem to take over at times, and do not always lead to a great outcome.

For Sam, I am using the story of his father in Maplehurst and the toolshed story as true for his character. I can see where his self-preservation comes from, along with his tendency to keep an emotional distance. With that in mind, I can understand why he hadn't been able to verbalize his feelings until the time he did (although I don't agree, but that's the way his character is), and why he tried to joke when things got a little too serious for comfort.

In a "perfect" scenario, both Sam and Andy would've made better decisions from the start, but if they did, where would the drama and excitement in all of it be, right?

On another note, I love Oliver's words to Andy, "You and Sam were great. You always will be." I like to think that he knows how everything occurred (I would assume he would've either figured it out, or would've "tricked" Sam into talking, like he did at the cabin in Season 4), but no matter what had happened, he knows how good they are together, despite all their faults.

I am still unsure if Marlo will ever make an appearance in this one, but I am considering it, and how she would fit into the story. All the characters will be a little different from how we know them to be on TV, but that's the fun in fiction, right? Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy this chapter.


After tossing and turning for over an hour, Andy decided to get out of bed. The thought of mindless infomercials brought out a small yawn as she settled on the sofa, pulling her legs beneath her. When she reached out to grab the remote sitting on the coffee table, she spied her crossword puzzle book that held her notebook secretly tucked inside. A memory from many years ago popped in her mind.

It was lunch recess, and a twelve-year-old Andy McNally sat in Mrs. Jones' class, eating a sandwich while reading a book. Things had been tough since her mother left, and she found she was able to escape from the harsh reality of life by hiding out in her favorite teacher's classroom.

"Andrea, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, Mrs. Jones."

That was her typical response. Everyone else in her life would take her word for it, or wouldn't even bother to ask, but Mrs. Jones knew better. On several occasions, her teacher had tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to get her to open up, but her heart was too guarded to trust anyone. She appreciated the concern the woman had shown her, but still could not find it in herself to share the pain, rejection, and abandonment she felt on a daily basis.

"You know, it's okay if you aren't fine at times. I know you don't like to let your guard down, but sometimes it does help to talk things out. Maybe if you don't feel comfortable talking out loud to someone just yet, consider writing out your thoughts in a journal. You may find it to be therapeutic and eye opening," her teacher suggested during one of the many lunch periods Andy spent in her classroom.

Mrs. Jones was right. With her mother out of the picture, Andy felt she had to keep it together to make sure the family she had left wouldn't crumble to pieces. Her Dad was visibly upset by her mother's choices. Sometimes she would find him passed out on the couch, other times, he wouldn't even come home until early in the morning, having stayed the entire night out drinking. Instead of sorting through and acknowledging her feelings, Andy found it was easier to just ignore them, and act like nothing was wrong.

"Uh… okay. Thanks. Maybe I'll give that a try someday," she responded, trying to sound more assuring that she felt.


The young Andy didn't know how a diary would help anything, so she never bothered to listen to the advice. She wondered how that specific lunch period crossed her mind at this exact moment. Knowing she had absolutely nothing to lose at this point, she grabbed her notebook and a pen, and let her mind drift off. She was surprised at how fast the words appeared on the page. Her allergy to silence apparently applied to both written and verbal communication.

I hate the fact that I can't sleep, and that when I do, I'm plagued with nightmares. I understand that Sam was going through a tough time, and I had honestly tried to move on after he made it crystal clear that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I wanted him to come to his senses, but waiting around for him to change his mind hurt more than I can even express. I thought that that was what he really wanted, and I had no choice but to let him go.

When I was holding the grenade, I could see it in his eyes that he was worried that he'd lose me. I never expected that he'd choose that point in time to tell me he loved me. I didn't know what to think. I still don't. Part of me rejoiced at the fact that he was finally opening up to me. The other part of me was unsure of everything. I didn't know if it was something he said because it was some heat of the moment thing, something that he didn't really mean. But maybe a life and death situation snapped him into telling me how he really felt. As for what I felt about him, of course I still loved him, but I was beyond hurt at how he had treated me. I wished for things to be simpler, but simply forgetting the past wasn't simple at all. I had no idea if he even wanted anything to change between us.

When we were in the locker rooms, I figured he'd tell me what he was really thinking and feeling, since he had a lot to say earlier in the day. We both needed to know where we stood, but I had hoped for too much. I expected him to taking things seriously, but I was wrong. '206 bones in the human body.' I definitely did not expect that. Then he ran after me, and I didn't know what to do. The next thing I knew, I was leaving for the taskforce. Did he really mean it? Did he intend to keep any of his promises?

Holding the pen in her hands, tapping it on the paper in front of her, the words Sam spoke to her about doing everything to get her back replayed in her mind. It was then that it finally hit her. He really did mean everything he said. They had hit an extremely rough patch after Jerry, but his actions throughout their entire relationship since the day they met, minus the last few weeks, had proved that he loved, no, loves her. The pain she felt had clouded her judgment and kept her from seeing what should have been so obvious. While she was selfishly dealing with her broken heart, she failed to acknowledge that Sam had only been trying to manage his own hurt as well. She knew he never said those three words to anyone else before, so she should have tried to give him a chance to explain himself, no matter what. She refused to give Sam that opportunity, and she left.

Oh. My. God. I'm my mother. No, I'm worse than my mother. What have I done?

Andy dropped the notebook and pen beside her on the couch, and buried her face in her hands. Tears streamed down her face at the harsh realization before her. She became the person she swore she would never be, and there was no taking that back.

When she left for Temagami while they were suspended, she still broke the rules and managed to contact him to at least let him know where she was going, and why she had to leave. Her intention was to keep both of their jobs safe, even though he hadn't seen it the same way. This time, she said absolutely nothing, and disappeared into the night.

She cried for Sam, and for being the one to walk away. He finally admitted his feelings, even if it had been in an unconventional way, but expressed them nonetheless, and she didn't bother to say anything in return. She cried for the hurt she knew he would likely be feeling, knowing that she was the one who would be inflicting it. Sam never opened up to anyone, and the one time he finally did, she let her own self-preservation, pride, and stupidity take over. She cried for what she had become, ashamed of herself. She was well aware of the fact that Sam had been grieving, and instead of putting up a fight, she gave up. When she should've waited for him, giving him some time and space, she pushed him because she didn't like time and space.

She desperately wished she could tell Sam how truly sorry she was, but she knew that wasn't an option. The only thing she could do right now was to focus on the op, get back in one piece, and make things right. She could only hope that whenever it was that she returned, it wouldn't be too late. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, so she decided that writing it all out would have to suffice, as she had no idea when she would be able to speak these words to him, and she didn't want to forget any of it.

Picking the notebook back up, she began to write to the man she loved with all of her heart. Her tears were not falling as heavily, but still managed to fall onto the pages before her, causing some of the ink to run down the lined pages.

Sam,

I'm so sorry that I left. I made you promise that you wouldn't leave without a fight, and I'm the one who did. "I'm sorry" doesn't even begin to describe anything, but I am. I am so, so sorry, Sam. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I can only hope that one day you will find it in your heart to do so.

I have many things to apologize for, the biggest one, being that I walked away. Even with the day we had, it was still no excuse to leave how I did. It shouldn't have happened like that. I should have found some way to let you know something, anything.

Taking this op at all was a complete mistake. I had approached Luke before shift yesterday, and had wanted to be a part of the op to escape from everything. It really hurt to have you not be a part of my life, and I desperately wanted a change of scenery. I asked to be in on this mission for all the wrong reasons.

I foolishly thought you really wanted out of our relationship, but I was blinded by my own selfishness. I should have realized that you just needed some space, and I should've given you that. I made the mistake of trying to move on when that was the last thing I should've done. Even if we really weren't able to be more than friends, I told you I loved you, and that should've meant that I would never abandon you, ever. If I had lived out those words, it would have meant having your back, even if only as a friend. I realize that loving someone means being there when it matters, and I wasn't.

When you said all those things to me yesterday, telling me how you really felt, I didn't know how to interpret them. At the time, I wasn't sure if you meant it. Instead of overthinking things like I usually do, I shut down completely, blocking out your words, and until now, I didn't realize the magnitude of your confession. I can see now that the words you spoke were directly from your heart. I was so stupid to doubt that.

I know I've messed up big time. This is the screw up of all screw-ups; I realize that now. I can't ask you to wait for me, obviously for one, because you can't read this now, and also because even if you could, that wouldn't be fair. I've hurt you deeply, and I can't expect you to overlook that.

Please know that I love you. I will always love you. No matter what, I want you to be happy. Selfishly I want that to be with me, but if you find it with someone else, I understand. What I did was unforgivable, and I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness, and even more than that, your love.

I can only hold on to hope that whenever this op is done, we can have our shot at being normal. I promise that if you give me another chance, I will never run again, and I will do everything to show you how much I love you.

Always,

Andy


Thanks for reading. If you have a moment, please let me know what you think. Have a great day.