The year 1952:
"You're fucking kidding me."
"I don't joke, Eren." She adjusted the needle in her grip. "Remove your pants. Or will the guards need to be present for this?"
Annie ignored him as he peeled off his clothes reluctantly, slipped on the hospital gown, and sat back down on the sheet-covered chair. He asked what was in the syringe, and she replied with a swift, "Emetic drug. We're trying the direct method now, remember? Electroconvulsive clearly was not having the desired effect. Instead, I'm going to try electro aversion. You will be presented with homoerotic stimulus, and given small shocks as you process them. Then, there will be no shocks or drugs, and you will absorb heterosexual stimulus. We'll move up to that part later though. This has been shown to be effective in Britain."
He flinched away when she grabbed his arm and injected the substance. Eren gulped as the only attendant in the room finished strapping him to the chair and immobilizing him. "I don't want to do this," he said firmly.
Annie said nothing, just spread the gel on his skin and secured the cotton muff there. A large metal headband was strapped to his skull. She forced a piece of rubber between his teeth once more, "Just to be safe," she said, and connected the wires to the console. Eren squirmed and fidgeted, but all to no avail. He felt his skin cool with exposure, bare to Dr. Leonhart, and the beginnings of humiliation seeped into him. He wanted to fade into the air and dissolve away.
She set up a projector and put in the first slide. "Now, you're going to look at these," she explained. "This is called a penile plethysmograph." She pulled on rubber gloves and picked up a strange device, like a bracelet. He jerked back violently when she kneeled between his bound legs and put it on him. A muffled cry escaped him through the rubber bit in his mouth, but her face hardly twitched. "It will measure the circumference of your penis, and allow for me to have a quantifiable data set to go with whatever you tell me. This way I can accurately measure your progress."
He wanted to shrink away, to hide and never be seen again. Shame coursed through him as she flicked the first slide on, watching him, bored, as she took notes. The first black and white photo was of just a shirtless man in shorts. Most of them in the beginning were. He felt minor pulses of electricity run through him, but they were at least bearable.
That changed quickly.
Soon, the men were in their underwear, and then entirely naked, which caused some reaction. Annie stood to turn a knob on the console, and the pulses became stronger and more frequent as she went through slide after slide of naked men, some touching each other, some kissing, some posing. Eren wanted to throw up as he felt himself hardening slightly. The pain in his skin made him recoil, but not because they hurt him too badly. It was nothing like his earlier shock. That had been one continuous stream that had clamped down on him and made him feel trapped. This was less volatile, and came in short bursts before subsiding. It wasn't releasing him – not like bleeding did. They would build him up for a second, make him too big for his skin and then pull back almost teasingly. But, there was something about the just barely endurable convulses that coiled him up like a spring that felt almost good.
He was recoiling because Dr. Leonhart was there... Writing down every twitch, blink, and breath. He felt the measurement device around him and gagged slightly when he glanced to see Annie watching him emotionlessly. He tried to look away from the projections, but she simply waited him out. Disgust was crawling into his body, making him sick with indignity, and he wondered if this was what Levi felt when he insisted he was unclean.
God, he felt like crying.
He turned his head away from the screen, fighting back tears and trying to breathe through the rubber.
"Eren, look up."
He shook his head.
"I will keep you here, hooked up to those electrodes, until you finish the set. Now. Look. Up."
Eren held out for about two more minutes before the electricity began to bother him significantly. Steeling himself, he looked back up at the pictures, and pretended he didn't want to throw up.
Finally, she stopped the slides. She wrote down his measurement from the uncomfortable device, and removed the muffs and headband. He strained against the straps, eager for the nightmare to just be over with.
"We're done for today." She loosened the leather enough for him to slip free. He snatched his pants and stumbled out the door, his hand coming up to cover his mouth the second he was out the in the hall. He bit his hand as a sob wracked through his body, drawing blood, but he only bit harder. He thought of returning to find Hanji and Levi, but decided against it as he felt tears welling up for the first time in weeks.
He walked briskly to his cell, slamming the door shut behind him as he collapsed on his cot and curled into a tight ball. He finally released a long whine, like an wounded dog, before he choked on a sob and let the repulsion wash over him.
It was worse that the electroconvulsive. It was worse than the prison crushing down on him.
He pulled on his hair and tried to erase the images she had forced onto him out of his mind, but to no avail. He could almost still feel the electricity pulsing through him like his own blood. He was still half-hard, and he bit his lip in bitter frustration.
Suddenly, there was a knocking at his door. He said nothing, but it opened.
It was Jean.
"Get the fuck out, horse-face," he commanded weakly.
But the sandy-haired man closed the door and approached him nonetheless. He rolled away to face the wall and hug himself more tightly. He felt the bed dip with Jean's weight, but that was it.
"Electro aversion, huh? It sucks worse than the convulsive somehow. I didn't know that was even possible before..." He paused for a minute, the only sound to be heard being Eren's shaky breaths. "I'm glad Marco isn't here. I don't think I could handle it if he had to put up with this shit too." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"What do you want, Jean? I'm tired."
He hummed thoughtfully. "Me too. But, I gotta stay awake, you know?" He waited for a few seconds, then seemingly decided what to say. "Look. We got off to a bad start. Would it be okay if we started over, Eren?"
"After you shoved me into the bread cart?" he replied sarcastically.
Jean chuckled. "If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, yeah."
"I've been kind of a dick too, huh?"
"Just a little. But, I think it's just that, I don't think I can be alone anymore. In the two years I've been here, I've never had anyone I actually cared about or liked. Just whoever I bribed. I wanna be human again. So, I think, since we're kinda co-captains of the same penis-loving boat or whatever, I should try again." Jean fell silent, and Eren closed his eyes as he drew himself to press even closer to the wall.
"Fine," he whispered. "I think I want to meet this Marco guy. Anyone who can put up with you long enough to fuck you is a marvel of humankind, and I think I should see it before I die."
"Watch it, Jaeger." He got up from his bed and left, closing the door behind him. Eren decided, as the door slammed with a thud, that he was tired of doors closing.
...
Out of the corner of his eye, behind another patient who was chattering to himself, he saw Hanji approaching him, an oddly serious expression on her. He wiped the flour off of his hands with the cleanest rag he could find, and shot her an expectant look as she came to stand next to him.
"You need to go see Eren," she whispered severely. "I just talked to Jean, and he said he just went through a pretty brutal electro aversion. He's in his cell right now."
Levi frowned. "I won't be able to make it there without being caught," he said. They wouldn't be getting off of kitchen duty for another hour, and they weren't allowed to leave without escort from the staff until then.
Hanji smiled at him behind her glasses. "I'll make a distraction, don't worry. Just get into the common room before seven and we'll be fine. No one will even know you were gone."
He nodded, silently thanking Hanji. He made his way towards the back of the room, standing behind the freezer when he often dragged Eren to kiss. He slipped off his apron and waited.
Hanji winked in his direction before throwing several trays to the ground and yelling. "Where are the test tubes!" She picked up a kneaded loaf of bread and slung it at one of the supervisors, smacking him square in the face, laughing manically. "COOKING ISN'T REAL SCIENCE! YOU'RE ALL LIARS!"
"Hanji!" Two guards, including the one posted at the door, rushed to subdue her. She kept screaming and fighting them off, and Levi quietly ducked out into the corridor. He listened as the commotion slowly faded, moving towards Eren's cell. During this time of day, they weren't locked.
He knocked softly twice, then slipped inside, taking in the scene in front of him. Eren, curled into a ball and pressed against the corner of his bed against the wall. Dried tears stained on his cheeks, and angry red marks on his arms and hands, some with drying blood around them. His hair covered his eyes and his breath hitched every so often. Levi ached at the sight.
After Jean had left, Eren had felt the tightness of his shame constricting him and he was too big again. So he tried to release, but it wasn't working, and eventually, he couldn't muster the energy to cry anymore. He just hiccupped and gave up.
"Eren..."
He got no response. Eren huddled in further on himself, resting his forehead against his knees. Levi crouched in front of him at the bedside, and took his hands. "Eren," he called again softly. Green eyes looked up at him reluctantly. Levi glided onto the bed next to him, and kept his hands down. "Hey, brat, what are you doing?"
Eren shook his head and closed his eyes, biting his lip. Levi let his fingers trail up the boy's arms, skimming over the fresh wounds gently. Eren averted his gaze to the side.
Smack.
Eren gasped and his eyes widened as he processed the sudden sting on his cheek. He whipped to see Levi glaring at him, his hand still outstretched. "I asked you a question, you little shit. What are you doing?"
This time, Eren opened his mouth, still shocked that Levi had actually slapped him. "I-I..."
"You told me you wanted to stay awake, and I promised to beat the shit out of you if you decided to take a nap. I'm keeping my word. What about you? Escaping, eating at some restaurant, the beach, seeing your sister... Did you mean those things, Eren? Or was I wrong about you?"
The fire sparked in his eyes as he returned Levi's glare. "No! ...You weren't." He reached up to finally rub at his cheek, hissing as he irritated the pink mark. "Shit. Did you really have to slap me?"
"I told you I would." Levi moved to sit next to Eren, his back pressed to the wall. Eren only huffed in reply. They sat like that for a few minutes, not touching, before Levi spoke again. "What happened?"
Eren sighed, and let himself fall to rest on Levi's shoulder. "She said it was called electro aversion therapy. It wasn't the actual procedure that...bugged me. I mean, it did, but it wasn't the worst part. It's just that, I was so...exposed, Levi. It was just humiliating, and she was just so fucking calm about it, too. And I'll have to do it at least five more times before Mikasa gets me." His breath hitched again as he clutched Levi's arm. "I don't want to do this anymore."
The older man let Eren curl into him, wrapping an arm around the boy. Levi pushed his hair back with a weary sigh, and let the warmth of the body next to him thaw him out a little more. His insides felt funny, tight yet loose yet right.
"Levi?"
"What?"
"Could you just...stay with me?"
He cupped his jaw lightly, running a thumb across Eren's lips. "I will," he promised. He descended slowly, and the kiss was long and slow and sweet. He felt the tension leave Eren as his muscles relaxed and he succumbed to the therapeutic bliss of human contact. Humming softly, Levi eased him down to lay on the bed, and leaned over the brunet between his legs.
Half-lidded emerald eyes gazed up at him, and Levi came to the realization that he was slowly remembering a language he thought he'd forgotten. That he'd left somewhere in the bloodied, sanguine snow of Poland. He toyed with different letters of the alphabet in the ways his fingers glided over smooth skin.
Amour.
Maybe.
...
Author's Notes: Poor Eren. Geez. I do nothing but make him suffer here. Feedback?
