Title: The Long Walk Home
Summary: Spock has been involved with Uhura for the entirety of their 5-year mission; now that the Enterprise is coming home secrets from that relationship are coming to light. Damaged in ways he cannot understand, Spock has nowhere to turn. Dr. McCoy has also been hurting, but the southern boy in him can't stand on the sidelines and watch Spock suffer. Can the broken find healing in each other?
Written by request for BlackMetalHeart
Chapter Playlist:
Angels Fall First – Nightwish
Raised by Wolves – Falling in Reverse
Scars – Papa Roach
Caged – Within Temptation.
Disclaimer: Ack! Somehow my alerts, PM's etc, got turned off on my account! NO wonder I haven't been getting updates for the stories I've been following or been responding to the reviews I've gotten in the last couple months! I am soooooooo sorry!
I want to let everyone know that I have not stopped updating because I've run out of ideas, but because I haven't had time! I tried to get this update out last month, but had so much going on with the school play, Forensics, homework, etc., that I didn't manage it. I can't really promise that I'll have updates out faster, but I am going try. I've got a few days of Fall Break right now, so I'm trying to get this chapter out and get a good start on the next one so I can have it posted during the next break.
…
Chapter Nine
"You've heard then?"
Leonard looked up at Jim's image on the viewscreen, "About Uhura? Yeah."
"Does Spock know?"
"Yeah, he was with Joanna when the news aired."
"Well…what happened?"
The doctor sighed, "He just sorta…ran from the room. Nothing major, just the shock of hearing her voice in that sound byte, I guess. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just blew it off. I suppose I should be grateful that he didn't shutdown on me completely, like the last few times I've tried to talk to him."
Jim winced. "Not making much progress then?"
Leonard glared, "Dammit Jim, I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm a surgeon and a general physician. That's why we had Dr. Marsh on the Enterprise. Technically, I was her boss, but there is no way I am certified to do her job."
"Yeah, but you're smart Bones, you'll figure something out."
"I'll figure you out, you ignorant buffoon," the brunette growled, "Why don't you get your scrawny butt down here and fix this yourself, if it's so easy?"
Jim laughed, "No thanks, I'm fine where I am."
"And where is that exactly?"
"Oh, no place special."
"Uh huh." The doctor gave him a look.
The blonde grinned, "Sorry Bones, but I really don't see Barbados as your kind of place."
"I thought you were gong home, isn't your momma on a break right now?"
"Eh," Jim scrunched his nose, "She cancelled, again."
"Oh."
"Don't worry about it. I think I would have been more surprised if she had actually shown up. The woman gives workaholics a bad name." He snorted bitterly, "Obsessed is more like it. She said she was on the tail of something big and couldn't stop or risk losing it."
"Well, if she finds the cure for the common cold she's got my support. Of all the sicknesses in space, why that one is such a popular occurrence with you I'll never understand."
"Hey! I can't help it if I'm sensitive."
"Sensitive," Leonard rolled his eyes. "You, my friend, are about as sensitive as a brick, which means you're a level or two above Spock."
The blonde laughed. "Oh c'mon Bones, he's gotten a lot better since the Academy and the stuff with the Narada. I mean, yeah, he's a bit dense, but I think he's been more human lately than anybody gives him credit for."
The doctor frowned, "Really?"
"Well, when he wasn't hiding in his cabin or the lab. But during away missions and down time he was really starting to blend with the rest of the crew. If he didn't have pointy-ears he could easily pass as a nerdy-up-tight human with a funny complexion and a bad case of OCD."
"Huh."
"Don't look so bewildered Bones," Jim shrugged, "You were always so busy- it's not really surprising that you didn't notice."
"Yeah, but," Leonard rubbed the back of his neck, "Am I really that bad of a friend Jim? That I don't notice the changes in the personality of the people closest to me?"
"Are you kidding? You're the best friend anyone could ask for. You've just," the blonde gave him a half-smile, "had a lot to deal with lately. Your job has a lot of responsibility, plus you've been helping Chapel with her doctorate. You've got a bunch of stuff on your mind. Honestly, it's no wonder you've been distracted. And now that you're home you've got the farm and Joanna to worry about, as well as Spock."
"Is there really any kind of excuse for avoiding your friends though? I don't know what to say to Spock, I don't know how to fix him. I can't pretend that there's nothing wrong when there is-you know I don't fake disinterest very well."
"Well you've never really had to." Jim winked, "Always said what's on your mind, regardless of the consequences. Have you tried that with Spock yet? I mean, let's face it, everyone pretty much treats him with kid gloves as it is- don't want to offend the alien and all that political correctness crap. Plus, if he doesn't like you he can snap you in half."
"I'd like to avoid that, thanks."
"It's not like you to avoid something, Bones. Don't you think that might be adding to Spock's stress? He's so used to seeing you act one way and if you're not anymore, he's probably blowing fuses in that big ole noggin' of his, trying to figure out what's wrong." He shrugged, "Maybe, if you just be yourself he'll feel more comfortable and open up."
Leonard sighed. "Maybe."
"Trust me, it'll work." Jim looked distracted. "Uh, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."
The doctor snorted. "Don't hurt yourself brother."
The blonde grinned "Never on purpose."
Leonard switched off the viewscreen and sat for a moment, thinking. He hadn't spoken to Jim since last week and it had done him more good than he would have thought to see his friend. Why or how he and the blonde had bonded so well was a mystery to just about everyone, but the doctor was glad that it had happened. Somehow, they balanced each other out and Leonard was sure that if they hadn't met, at least one of them would be in the loony bin right now.
He sighed and decided to take the kid's advice. Nothing else had worked and he was running out of ideas and time. He'd tried pressing the Vulcan for answers, he's used three different types of therapy, and he's even talked one of his old colleagues down to the ranch to try hypnotizing Spock. That last hadn't gone over very well; the Vulcan didn't speak to him for almost four solid days after that. Leonard felt like his efforts to help Spock were slowly destroying their friendship and before too long there wouldn't be enough of it left for the Vulcan to have a reason to trust him. Spock was like stone, giving no indication that he had ever experienced any abuse or discomfort at the hands of another sentient being and the doctor didn't know how to break through his friend's defenses.
The fear of losing Spock entirely was making him impatient, causing him to rush processes that really needed months to show progress.
"Fine," he muttered, "No more therapy-we'll pretend it never happened and pray Spock doesn't get any worse."
The brunette groaned. He didn't like this plan, but he was out of options and Jim was usually pretty good at reading people. If the blonde thought this would shake the Vulcan out of his monotonous personality, then there was a pretty good chance that it would. The kid was the only one who could manage to get under Spock's skin on a regular basis.
As a surgeon, Leonard was not used to treating something he couldn't see. He was having difficulty figuring out how to approach the problem that lay before him and the slightly desperate nature of the situation wasn't helping. The brunette had spent most of the past two months, when not out working, holed in his office-partially to avoid Spock and mainly to do research. Both the doctor and the Vulcan had been particularly uptight since it had been announced that Uhura had accepted the position of First Officer aboard a Federation Diplomatic vessel, almost two weeks ago. So when he went downstairs and dropped onto the couch next to the Vulcan he received strange looks from Joanna and the former First Officer.
"Man it's hot out today," Leonard commented casually and turned his head to glance at Spock. "Hey, you wanna help me with the fence? I'm almost done, just need to paint a few spots."
The girl and the Vulcan exchanged looks that were purposefully ignored by the doctor. After behaving so unusually for so long, the two weren't sure how to react to Leonard's sudden drop back into character.
Jay spoke cautiously, testing the water, "Have you spoken to Uncle Jim lately, Daddy?"
"Yeah, I spoke to him not too long ago." The brunette checked the laces on his boots absently, "He's goofing off in Barbados or some such place."
"Oh, then when is he going to come and see us?"
"Probably last minute knowing Jim. "Leonard grinned, "He never learns."
Standing just as suddenly as he had sat down, the brunette slapped Spock on the shoulder as he turned toward the door, "So, how 'bout it? Fence?"
The Vulcan blinked and rose to his feet slowly. "If you require my assistance…."
"Of course, it gets pretty lonely out there by myself. "Leonard kissed Jay on the cheek, "We'll be back in a couple of hours."
"Okay…" She watched them leave, looking as confused as Spock probably felt.
Instead of taking the truck, the doctor decided that they could ride down to the spot on the fence that needed paint. While he waited for Spock to change clothes, Leonard caught the horses. He hooked Cash up to a set of cross-ties and went to tack up his own horse, Apache Gunsmoke. The dapple quarter horse was smaller than the Tennessee Walker, but he had plenty of speed and attitude. With the exception of his original owner, the doctor was the only one Smoke had ever let ride him. Others had tried, including Frank and Jocelyn, but after one of the stable hands had been hospitalized trying to exercise the horse, Leonard had refused to let anyone else try. Joanna had tried to get him to let Spock ride the horse, but the doctor had told her no. He wasn't going to purposefully put the Vulcan in a situation that risked life and limb.
It didn't take Spock long to saddle his own horse and by the time Leonard put the brushes and other supplies in a saddlebag, the Vulcan was ready to ride. The doctor hefted the paint can, mounted, and directed Smoke out into the field one-handed. Spock followed dutifully behind on Cash.
They rode in silence; Leonard didn't care for chatter when on horseback- he preferred to simply enjoy the ride. Since Spock wasn't normally loud or talkative, the brunette figured he needn't worry about the peace being broken by words. It was hot and as a trickle of sweat ran down the side of his face, the brunette made a mental note to as if the Vulcan had put on sunscreen when they reached their destination. Neither Joanna no Spock tanned under the sun, they just burned, so whenever he could, Leonard reminded them to cover up when they had riding lessons.
The spot on the fence that needed repainting wasn't far from the house and didn't take long to get to. Dismounting, the doctor emptied the saddlebags and tossed Spock an extra lead line. They both stripped the horses of their saddles and used the lines to tie them to a section of the fence roughly a dozen yards from where they would be working. Leonard made sure the reins were knotted short so that they wouldn't be stepped on and risk injuring the horses.
The doctor opened the paint can and handed Spock a brush, "Which side of the fence do you want?"
When he only received a raised eyebrow in response, Leonard shrugged. "Okay, you take the inside."
The brunette took his own brush and climbed over the fence, setting the paint can down on a post where they could both reach it. Catching sight of his shirt out of the corned of his eye, Leonard realized that he should have changed his own clothes before coming out to work. He was wearing his favorite plaid shirt and he really didn't want black paint splattered on it. Sighing, the doctor put his brush down and began unbuttoning the shirt. Fortunately he had a wifebeater on underneath, so he didn't have to worry about scrubbing his chest raw later while trying to get the paint stains off.
"We'll probably have to do at least three coats of paint; this wood will soak up a lot." He commented idly while they worked, "As sunny as it is today, we might get two coats of them down before we lose the daylight."
Spock twitched his understanding, but did not speak.
When the first coat was finished, Leonard climbed back over the fence and lay on his back on the ground. It would take at least half an hour for the paint to dry. Spock carefully covered the paint can and sat down a few feet away from the human. The Vulcan was wearing one of the gray shirts Joanna had picked out and a pair of blue jeans that over the last month had seen a surprisingly large amount of use. They weren't as worn as the doctor's, but they were well on their way. The girl had been teaching Spock everything she knew about horses, which ranged from lunging to mucking out stalls. Leonard hadn't been able to keep from laughing the first time they had come in after cleaning the barn. It had rained the night before and they were both covered in mud. The brunette never got the full story, but his understanding was that Joanna had slipped and taken the Vulcan down with her. Evidently, when taken by enough surprise, even Spock could be clumsy.
Leonard checked the time on his chronometer and then leapt to his feet, "C'mon, it'll be while yet before the paint dries, let's go for a ride."
He didn't put the plaid shirt back on; instead he shoved it into his saddlebag. They tacked up quickly and mounted. They started out at a trot that soon turned into a canter was they broke away from the fence line and cut across the field. The doctor guided the horses toward the back of the property, where it grew wooded and a stream flowed through the back left corner.
Leonard didn't come back here very often. It was a beautiful spot, shaded and cool, but on the other side of the stream bank, under a massive willow tree planted by his grandfather, was a small cluster of headstones. Leonard did not like to dwell in the past and so he generally avoided cemeteries. Jocelyn had done most of the upkeep when they had lived on the ranch, but it was mostly overgrown now. He could have asked Frank to keep the place clear, but it was a private family matter and the doctor doubted that Frank even knew the place existed.
"My Grandpa planted that willow right after he bought the property. Aunt Joan, my mother's sister, died very young. She was the first to be buried under that tree. Momma would talk about how angry Grandpa'd get, because he never could get that willow to weep. Then she'd say that Grandma could tell him that the tree wouldn't weep because Joan was there and she was such a happy child that the willow couldn't bear to make her sad."
"How did she die?" Spock asked quietly.
Leonard glanced at him before dismounting. "Aunt Jean was diabetic, except nobody knew until it was too late. She slipped into a coma and died two days later." He stepped across the stream and ripped some grass away from a headstone. "She was five years old."
"I am sorry for your loss."
The brunette shrugged, "Not a loss I've ever really noticed, as I'd never met her."
Spock stepped from the saddle and lead both of the horses across the water, the three of them stood in silence, watching the human clear away grass and weeds from around the carious headstones. There weren't very many, five total, all of them varying in age. The first stone Leonard had indicated was oldest, then there were a pair that looked the same, but still younger than the first by at least thirty years. The second to last headstone was around fifteen years old and the one on the very end was ten years at the most. It was also smaller than the others.
"That's Grandpa and Grandma," The doctor gestured to the pair matching in age, "They died roughly two years apart, Grandpa went first."
"And the last two?" Curiosity, and a certain degree of empathy, had loosened the Vulcan's tongue.
"The last one is Joanna's dog, Marshall. She was only eight at the time and he was her best friend and pretty much part of the family. It made her feel better to know that he was in the same place as Michael."
Spock looked at him, "Michael?"
Leonard's face was solemn and his voice was quiet as he pointed to the second to last stone, "Joanna's twin brother, he was stillborn."
The Vulcan felt an unpleasant pang of shock flash through him. After all the time he had spent with humans, Spock had begun to believe that he understood them, that their emotions made them transparent (a belief held by most Vulcans). But the more time he spent with Leonard, the more complex the man became, the more secrets there were to uncover. He had not known that the doctor had a son or that he had lost a child. For all the man's posturing and insistence that the Vulcan needed healing, Spock was becoming more and more convinced that it was the human who needed help. The stories he had heard about Leonard's marriage, and now the loss of a child at such an age….the fact that the doctor had lived with such pain for so long and yet was able to function so well in society was baffling to him.
Spock rarely admitted to it, but he still carried his mother's death with him heavily. That loss was sharp and after five years, still fresh, but he could not begin to fathom what the doctor and his wife had experienced.
Standing there, under the shade of the tall willow and in the presence of the dead, next to this man who had gone through so much-the Vulcan felt a sudden and deep desire to tell Leonard everything-anything- if it would make the human happy. The doctor had been so kind to him, helping in the ways he knew how, despite Spock's lack of understanding. He did not know why, but he felt it wrong that his friend should have suffered so.
The Vulcan had often seen a glimpse of something tragic in the doctor's face, but he had always assumed that it had been related to the divorce. "I am truly sorry for the loss of your son."
Leonard looked at him, face haggard and shoulders slightly slumped. "It was a long time ago. Having Jay helped us cope, I don't know what we would have done if she had died too."
Spock reached out and touched the man's shoulder before he realized what he was doing. The doctor gave him a half smile and turned back to the horses. The Vulcan stood frozen for a moment, overwhelmed by the memories and emotions he had discovered though the contact with Leonard's skin.
There was pain, very similar to his own.
Sorrow. Grief. Tears.
And joy-happiness found in the life of a redheaded girl.
Spock blinked away the foreign thoughts; they would be dealt with later, when he meditated. The doctor was once more astride Smoke and the Vulcan followed suit with his own horse. They took a meandering path back to the fence. The human was in no apparent hurry to return to work and Spock could understand why. It was obvious that Leonard did not dwell on his son very often and was probably dealing with some difficult emotions right now.
When they did make it back to the fence they worked in silence. The second coat was on faster then the first and before long Spock found himself in the barn, untacking and preparing to turn Cash out to pasture. The events of the day had given him and the human a lot to think about.
The Vulcan was stuck somewhere between his newfound understanding and reeling over Leonard's sudden change in behavior. The past few weeks had been particularly tense-the doctor had tried several different techniques in his attempts to "cure" Spock of something the half-Vulcan was sure wasn't wrong with him. To have the human suddenly revert to normal patterns without showing any indication that the events of the last 168 hours had every happened was mildly baffling and certainly frustrating. The Vulcan couldn't decided if he should just go a long with it, whatever t was, or to question the doctor about the change. Surely the man hadn't given up?
The thought left Spock cold, although he was not entirely sure why. After losing his mother and the strange way Nyota had "left" him, the Vulcan thought that he should be able to handle such rejection. All he knew was that he did not wish to be abandoned by anyone ever again.
….
Leonard walked into the house feeling so drained he was surprised he could walk. The doctor wasn't sure what had possessed him to take Spock to the graveyard, but he hoped it wouldn't happen again anytime soon. He had enough on his plate with out dredging up ancient history.
"Daddy?"
"Mmm?" Leonard swallowed the mouthful of sweet tea he had just taken, "What do you need, Jay?"
The redhead stood in the doorway looking hesitant. "Um…."
"Spit it out darling,' I need to take a shower."
She took a deep breath, "Shelly, remember Shelly? She was my best friend before Momma moved-She and a bunch of the local kids are having a party type thing, to hang out and stuff before school starts and I was wondering-if-I-could-go."
Leonard raised an eyebrow; acutely aware of whom he had learned the gesture from. "And where is the party going to take place?"
"Well, it's tonight. Shelly's grandparent said she could use their barn-it's out on McCullough road."
"And who invited you to this thing?"
Jay rolled her eyes. "Shelly, duh. We don't see each other too often, but we still talk."
"How late are you going to be out?"
She shrugged, "I dunno, Shelly'll pick me up-probably around eight. I expect it'll last until midnight, she has to work in the morning, so I doubt we'll be up too late."
The brunette frowned, "Is she going to drop you off when it's over, or were you planning to spend the night at her house?"
"Well…we were kinda hoping I could spend the night," She spoke quickly, "It would be easier that way, I mean, Shelly would drop me off here on her way to work tomorrow, no big deal. That way you wouldn't have to worry about having to pick me up. Please?"
He looked at her for a moment and sighed. "Fine," Leonard laughed as she leapt at him with a shriek, "But make sure you have your communicator with you- remember, you call me if you need anything."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Jay hugged him tightly before running to get ready.
"Stay out of trouble," He bellowed after her, "If you get drunk they'll never find the body, understand me?"
A muffled "yessir" floated down the stairs and Leonard rolled his eyes. He knew most of the local families and they were a decent bunch so he wasn't too worried about the girl getting into trouble. That's not to say that teenagers won't try, but here wasn't too much they could do out in the middle of the country. Except maybe think of ways to get into trouble….
Leonard thought of his own childhood and shrugged off a feeling of concern. He had run with a pretty rough crowd, Joanna's friends were better than his had been. The doctor recalled the time he was nearly arrested and shook his head. He hadn't been the most obedient of sons, but at least he had never developed a criminal record. Unlike Jim, whose past Pike had pulled a lot of strings to have erased.
The brunette shook the past from his mind and went to take a shower. He was so sick of the fuss people made about stuff that had happened so long ago that the individuals involved couldn't possibly be the same people anymore. Leonard just wanted to move on; he didn't know what had possessed him to go to the graveyard today, but he wished he hadn't. It was sure to raise questions that he really didn't want to have to answer.
….
After the time spent with Leonard, the Vulcan's day passed relatively quickly. He did not see much of Joanna in the evening; she was preparing to spend time with her friends. Spock had taken advantage of the solitude and retired to his room to think and meditate. He had of late, been struggling to quiet his mind for long enough to enter a deeper state of meditation that was needed to restore his body. Because of this, he was often forced to sleep as humans did for rest.
The Vulcan had traced the source of his disquiet to the events of three weeks prior when the announcement of Nyota's promotion had aired. The woman had been appointed the position of first officer aboard one of the Federation's new diplomatic vessels, a reward for her faithful service and ingenuity. When her name had been mentioned, Spock had felt as if a heavy weight had been placed upon his chest, restricting his lungs. He had been aware that he had shocked Joanna by his sudden exit, but he had taken action before he had realized what he was doing.
Even thinking of it now, he could not breathe.
He tried to concentrate, to focus his thoughts and clear his mind of the conflict that was holding him back.
During his relationship with Nyota, Spock had gotten used to the feeling that his mind was not his alone. Every time he touched her, a part of the woman's mind entered his own and when he withdrew, not all of the foreign thoughts left as well. The Vulcan had been forced to construct a corridor in his mind, within which he could sort and store the bit of Nyota's mind that remained in his. He had already begun the process of removing her memories and echoes, but there were a lot to sift through and his difficulty in meditating was not helping the process. It was not helpful either, to have Leonard's thoughts to contend with as well.
Breathing slowly, Spock tried to collect all of the stray memories and bundle them away into the corner he had dedicated to the doctor, at least until he could deal with them properly. The human's thoughts largely centered on Joanna. He touched a few that were of the enterprise and on about Michael, but nearly all of them featured the girl. The almost overwhelming sense of love and protection that surrounded each memory made the Vulcan wonder if all parents felt as strongly about their children as Leonard did about his daughter. It they did, Spock could only marvel as to how they let the children out of their sight at any time.
Pushing through the human thoughts, the Vulcan deepened his breathing in preparation for clearing the clutter of his mind. It nearly pained him physically to have become so out of contact with his core. The inner peace of just six months ago was almost gone, disrupting Spocks's meditation. Try as he might, the Vulcan could not calm the turmoil that existed within, putting him on edge.
Frustrated, but unwilling to give up, Spock forced his thoughts inward, searching for order in the chaos he found there.
….
At eight o'clock Leonard watched his daughter leave and found himself alone in the house. Joanna, thought not particularly noisy, had certainly filled the home in a way that the doctor hadn't realized. It felt empty and wrong not to have her there. Shaking his head, the brunette went to his office. He refused to mope, the girl would be back in twenty-four hours, it wasn't like last time, he wasn't losing her….
He sighed to himself as he sat down and reached for his PADD. Starfleet had contacted him last week, offering him several new positions, including reinstatement as CMO on the Enterprise. Leonard was torn over the decision he had to make, and soon. He knew Jim and the others wanted him to come back, but the doctor didn't know if he wanted to. He didn't know what he'd do if he didn't go back aboard the Enterprise either. One of the new posts he had been offered was as head of the surgical department with one of the new Federation colonies. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it) the one thing Leonard was fully certain of, was that he was sick of space. He might be able to hack it on a non-terran planet colony, but he'd prefer to remain earth-bound.
But if he was going to do that, he'd have to start looking for a hospital that would take him, now.
The doctor let his head hit the desk with a dull thud. He was so tired of having to make life-altering decisions, especially this late in life. His father had one job that he worked at for forty-six years. Both of his grandpa's had only worked for one company their entire lives. Leonard has changed "careers" three times. He clerked at the general store and in college had swapped from Business Administration to Pre-Med. A move his father hadn't exactly approved of.
Not for the first time in his life, Leonard wished that he were born several centuries earlier, when everything seemed so much simpler.
Considering the options from Starfleet, the doctor decided to at least look into local clinics to see if there were any possibility that he could stay closer to home, and on earth at the very least.
He hated job hunting almost as much as he did therapy-neither of which had ever come easily to him.
….
Spock jerked into wakefulness when the front door slammed. He had moved to a chair on the porch after his most recent attempt to meditate was les than successful. Frowning subtly, the Vulcan stood as Leonard tore past him and down the front walk. It was late or perhaps more accurately, early. The former First Officer's internal chronometer placed the time around two a.m. Even on the low light, Spock could see the doctor's agitation in the jerky movements and disheveled clothing.
"Leonard?" He called cautiously.
The human paused, half in Lucy's driver side door and their eyes locked. The motion sensetive floodlight on the corner of the house had turned on when Leonard reached the truck and the Vulcan was startled by the look on the man's face: something caught between rage and fear.
"Something," the brunette swallowed. "Something's happened to Joanna."
The eye contact held for another moment, before the doctor disappeared into the cab and Lucy roared to life.
Spock watched the truck's taillights fade into the night and felt something constrict in his throat at the thought of Joanna being hurt. He had become very attached to the girl during the time he had spent here; she was quite possibly the most relatable human he had ever met. And quite possibly the kindest.
The Vulcan could not fathom the root of his connection with Joanna, but it was important to him. He had lost so many-his mother, his planet-he did not want to lose her too.
There was nothing he could do to help. All he could do was wait.
Wait and deal with the aftermath. Again.
Spock felt a pang of disquiet at the last thought. Picking up the pieces-a colloquial phrase, but one that applied to his life of late. Or perhaps accurately, how Leonard had been acting lately.
His mind went back to the other times when he had been similarly helpless, the face of Nyota and his mother flashed through his mind, and he broke into a cold sweat. Moving numbly and without truly seeing, Spock stumbled into the house and collapsed onto the bottom step of the staircase. He drew his legs up, placing his head between his knees, and forced himself to breathe as normally as possible. He was experiencing a panic-attack-his clinical bran informed him. His first, but he was witnessed others and hoped that he would be able to hold himself together, despite wanting to let go and fly apart.
….
Ahhh! Will it all work out? :chews at fingernails worriedly: Will Joana be okay? Has Spock seriously cracked? I guess we're going to have to wait and find out.
