Wooohooo! Another one in such a short time! Ain't I a good girl? ;D
Thanks for r&r! I looove you, I looove you… *dances around happily*winks*
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If this had been a movie, there would have been a happily ever after, let's say, one week at the latest. But this was my life and there were still three days left to the end of first week and the happily ever after that I honestly did not expect to happen.
The first day ended with the two of us in front of the TV with healthy snacks on his side and tasty ones on mine. After about two hours I heard a soft snore beside me. A few moments later his head lay on my shoulder and a few more moments later he ended up with his head on my legs. I gave him a soft shake to wake him, but his only answer was a deep and hearty snore. Then I gave him a harder shake and to this his answer was a soft muttering. He turned his face a little more into my thigh, hooked one arm around my leg and drew his knees up to his chest.
I could have kicked him off the couch. And maybe I should have done it. But me being me, I didn't, because a) as long as he was asleep I couldn't embarrass myself and b) it was a seldom chance to watch him sleep. I fished for the woolen blanket and drew it over him. He sighed contentedly and smiled in his sleep.
We stayed like that until the early morning and I didn't care that my legs had gone to sleep, too, or that my back started to hurt from not being able to move. The TV forgotten all I did was watch over him, watch him sleep. He had a peaceful expression spread on his handsome face and god help me, he was pure cuteness as he lay there.
When I was sure that he was deeply lost in the land of dreams I dared to brush my fingertips over his shaven head, mapped the lines on his face with soft caresses. Every once in a while there was a low hum from him. It was perfection and I allowed myself to whisper the three words.
To love someone who does not know it, to harbor an unknown, unrequited and thus hopeless love is painful enough. But to love someone who knows it and is okay with it, someone who still wants to spend his time with you but does not love you back the same way… It hurt. So very much.
I whispered his name, once, twice. When he did not respond I leaned down, inhaling his scent. And then I breathed a kiss onto the corner of his mouth. He stirred under the touch and I drew back. A few seconds later he opened his eyes and the perfect moment was gone.
It was around four in the morning and we said our good-byes and went to bed. If he'd felt the kiss he didn't mention it. While I made my way to my room I winced at pain in my legs that flamed up after the blood flowed back into them and I was thankful for that pain. It distracted me from the one that burned in my chest.
The following two days went by comparatively easy and without any bigger incident and accidents. And although Randy tried to keep a little more distance, I had to visit the utility room every once in a while. I even put things in there when he wasn't around only to have a reason to go there without making him curious why.
If you irritate a nerve too much, it'll stop hurt after a while. And that was what I hoped for, that over the time with Randy around, it would be like emotional blunting. Hope dies last.
This morning I woke up and I smelled freshly brewed coffee already on my way to the bathroom. When I came down to the kitchen it was empty. I called his name, but there was no answer. On the table waited a breakfast for me, so I filled my mug with the precious black liquid and sat down. And then I had to laugh.
There was the package of fruity pebbles with a sticky note that said: oh come on, really? Right beside it there was the package of his healthy cereals with a sticky note that said: for once, try it. And beside the cereals there was a little bowl with pieces of fresh fruit with a sticky note that said: NO DISCUSSION!
So I mixed his cereals into my fruity pebbles and ate the fruits as a dessert. When I cleared the table I found a fourth sticky note under the bowel with the fruits that told me that I'm a good boy.
Since he hadn't mentioned that he had an appointment today, I wanted to send him a short message, but on my cell was another sticky note and I wondered when he had started to have a fable for sticky notes.
Gonna get my car. Meet you at the roster.
Four hours later training was done and I stood under the shower, eyes closed, letting the hot water rain down on me to ease the pain in my aching muscles. Through the sound of the running shower I heard Mike and Stephen come in, talking, joking. I all but jumped out of my skin when suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. My eyes snapped open and I stared directly into Randy's grey orbs and for a moment I forgot where I was and who there was, too.
"Hey, John," Randy greeted me and gave me a warm smile.
I had no idea if he'd done it on purpose, but he blocked Stephen's and Mike's view on me and I was grateful because I knew they would have noticed the way I looked at Randy. He stood so close… His face was still slightly flushed from his training, sweat glistened on his skin and even through the smell of three different shower gels that hung in the air I could smell Randy's scent. And there it was again, that sparkle in his eyes…
And exactly what I hoped would never happen… happened. I felt my dick grow hard. In the shower with my co-workers around. And with Randy seeing it. I closed my eyes, willing myself to vanish into thin air, afraid of their reactions. And of Randy's reaction.
My heart started to pound hard in my chest, stealing my breath, while I waited for a comment or laughter or something else. But… nothing happened. Mike and Stephen were still talking and joking about random things and then I heard them leave the room. The room fell quiet expect for the sound of my still running shower. Faintly I noticed that Randy's hand was still on my shoulder. I dared not to open my eyes.
"John?"
My name was spoken hesitantly.
"Johnny, look at me," he said quietly.
When I still refused to look at him, his hand moved from my shoulder to my cheek, settling there. My eyes flew open and I jerked away from his touch. His hand dropped to his side. The smile on his face was replaced by a worried and guilty expression. But there was no disgust.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
Randy was still standing close and the embarrassment of the situation and his closeness threatened to suffocate me. I stepped away from him but my retreat was stopped by the wall.
"I… I need to go," I stammered, grabbed my towel and fled out of the room.
With the towel wrapped around my hips I went straight to my locker, grateful that there was no one else around. A minute later I was able to take away the towel safely. In record time I threw my clothes on, made a beeline to my car and drove home, hoping that he would go out for a drink or whatever, so I had enough time to calm down.
I should have known better. Not even ten minutes after I arrived at home, he walked through the door. I sat on my bed, eyes fixed on my TV and did my best to ignore the knock at my door or that he called my name, begging me to come out and I hoped, prayed, that he would just leave me alone.
How could I look him into the eyes after what happened in the shower? It was a difference between knowing that someone has a thing for you and literally seeing that it is so…
From the corner of my eye I saw the door open up and Randy walked in. I should have locked the fucking door… Gritting my teeth I swallowed hard, bracing myself for the upcoming conversation.
He sat down on my bed and looked at me for a few moments before he asked: "Why did you run away?"
My head shot around at his absurd query. To my own surprise I felt anger boil up.
"What?!" I snapped at him. "How can you ask that?! I embarrassed myself in front of Mike and Stephen and you and…"
"They haven't noticed anything and it's okay for me…"
His voice was so annoyingly calm that it made me hiss in anger.
"Don't say that it is okay for you, god dammit! It can't be okay…!" I exclaimed.
"But it fucking is okay for me!"
He stared at me, his eyes telling me that it was the fucking truth and I stared back at him in utter disbelief because it just wouldn't go into my head that this fucking shit wasn't bothering him the slightest bit.
"I need to get out of here…" I hissed and got off the bed to leave the room and the house.
All I wanted was to get away and out of this fucking situation but Randy was right behind me, holding me back.
"John, stop running…"
"Stop that, Orton!" I snapped again. "I was wrong! We can't make this work…!"
With that I wrenched myself out of his grip, but a blink later I found myself with my back against the wall and his hands on my shoulders, holding me in a vice-grip. Randy's eyes burned with emotions, so fiery yet cold that it took me aback.
"I'm not gonna let you run away again, John," he stated and although his eyes burned, his voice remained as calm as it was before. "We can make this work. Please, Johnny. You know we can. You can't throw this away just like that."
"This?! What, this?!"
"This," he repeated, motioning between me and him. "Us."
"There is a you and me living an absurd agreement!" I growled, again trying to free myself from him. "This is no us, Randy!"
"Don't! Don't you dare say that!"
"Someone has to say it…" Weakly I shook my head and averted my gaze, turning my head away and asked in a voice I barely recognized as my own: "Sooner or later we will reach a point where you can't say anymore that it's okay. Or where I just can't carry on like that any longer. And it will destroy everything. Don't you see that?"
Silence, for a heartbeat or two. His grip loosened but didn't vanish.
"Look at me, John," he commanded and again I refused to look at him.
He grabbed my chin and forced my head around, giving me a rough shake.
"God damn, John, will you finally look at me?!" he growled and I did, reluctantly.
Randy's eyes weren't burning anymore, they were soft and tender and deep. The hand on my chin settled gently on my cheek. He leaned closer, resting his forehead against mine.
"Don't do this. Don't leave me alone," he said quietly, repeating the words he'd said to me the evening I sent him away.
The hand on my shoulder slid to the front of my shirt, clenching into the fabric as if Randy was afraid I could vanish just like that.
"I need you and I know you need me, too." His voice dropped to a whisper. "There is an us, John. It has always been an us."
"I don't know if I can do that… go on like this…"
Betraying my own words I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer in my bitter need for comfort.
"You can, Johnny. We can, just give it some more time."
A shuddering sigh fell from my lips. I hated him for those words, because I wanted to believe him, though his words threatened to rip me apart. I wanted him to go yet I couldn't let him go. I wanted the us we had, though it wasn't the us I wanted. I did not want him to come close and touch me, yet I wanted him to hold me and come as close as possible.
Oh god, I love you so much…
This was so absurd, sick.
I felt his breath on my lips and for a brief moment I was tempted to close the gap and kiss him… but then I pushed him away instead, gentle but insistently.
"I… need some time alone…" I croaked as my voice failed me.
His breath caught and I watched him close his eyes. His jaw muscles twitched. As I felt him pull me even closer it dawned on me what was going on in his mind.
"Just a few hours, Randy."
Randy nodded softly and when he finally let go I could have sworn that there was a feather light touch of his lips against mine. Wishful thinking…
Reluctantly he left my room and the door closed behind him with a dull thud. I walked over to my bed and sat down, my eyes fixed on the door. Faintly I heard his steps as he made his way down the stairs. Then suddenly… nothing. The quietness of the room was deafening.
The events of the day came rushing back, hitting me full-force and in a poor attempt to hide from all this I crawled under my blanket, pulled it over my head to shut out the world. After minutes I realized that tears were running down my face but I didn't care. Hoping that everything would be alright when I woke up again, I turned my face into the pillow and let exhaustion take its toll.
x
When I woke up again it was already dark outside and the fact that my head pounded and my eyes burned gave me the hint that nothing had changed. And I forced myself out of the bed and my room, found Randy's room empty and went down. Kitchen and living room were dark and empty but a thin ray of light that fell through the slightly open door of the utility room told me where I would find him.
Gingerly I stepped in. Randy sat on the washer with his back against the wall and his eyes fixed on an invisible point on the opposite wall. He looked tired and resigned and once again I felt bad for sending him away.
"The room needs a new painting," he stated monotone.
His eyes stayed fixed on the wall. I sighed.
"Randy…" I said in a strained voice because I had no idea where to begin.
Randy closed his eyes and tensed up.
"Do I have to go now?" he asked quietly.
"No," I replied as quietly and I saw the tension ease a little at that small word. "Randy… back in the shower, what did you think… what did you feel when you saw… I mean…"
God, I wasn't even able to put in words what I wanted to know from him. He chuckled lightly. A mirthless sound.
"I felt guilty for bringing you in a situation like that," he answered. "That's what I wanted to tell you the whole time but just wouldn't let me."
Then he opened his eyes and looked at me.
"I don't know how to make you understand that I am not feeling uncomfortable with having you around, or disgusted or… I don't know what you think that I might feel, but you're wrong, John. Do you really think I would want to be around you if I had a problem with our situation?"
He felt guilty? Huh. And he claimed to be okay with everything. Yeah. A small voice in the back of my mind told me that I was done to speculate about if and if not or what may be. Or what may not be. I had nothing to lose, right? Let's try a little boldness.
Slowly I walked up to him and came to stand between his legs. His eyes never left mine. I settled my hands beside his legs on the edges of the washer, close enough to make sure my arms touched his thighs lightly and leaned a little towards him, but it seemed that he relaxed more and more the closer I came.
My eyes roamed his face, searching for a sign that I overstepped a line. Nothing.
"Your reaction should be to freak out, you know?" I murmured.
"Yeah, I know. But I don't feel like freaking out." His eyebrows rose a bit. "Well, I would freak out if it was Brock or Kali standing there…"
A smile tugged at his lips as he spoke and I had to laugh softly despite the rotten day.
"But it's you standing there and that's why I don't freak out, Johnny. And we've been closer before."
And then he hooked his feet behind my thighs, making my breath hitch ever so slightly as he took me by surprise. But he seemingly had not noticed it.
My mind drifted back at his words, back to countless situations where we had been somehow bodily close outside the ring. Like the moment in the shower back at that night when I found him at my door…
Without losing a thought about what I was doing, I took hold of his hips and pulled him flush against me. His only reaction was to settle his hands on my shoulders.
"Like that?" I whispered.
"Like that," he whispered back.
Once again I searched his face but there was no unease written on it. But that strange sparkle was back. That confusing, enthralling sparkle. Feeling drawn in by his eyes I still did my best not to think too much about what I was doing right now.
I tightened my hold on him and asked: "Still not freaking?"
An unnecessary question since he apparently wasn't but I asked it nevertheless, wanting to test him like he did test me three days ago when he crowded me at the cooker, while I made the pancakes.
"Still not freaking," he replied, holding my gaze.
Maybe he was breathing a little faster than he should, maybe his heart was beating a bit harder than usually. Maybe I was just imagining it. Silence fell again as I tried to figure him out without success. Lately he mystified me over and over again.
"You are a strange man, Orton."
"Well, you never cease to bring out the best in me, Cena."
For a few more moments we stayed like this and the sudden ease of the situation made me lightheaded. For a second reality was far away… My eyes flicked to his lips and back to his eyes.
"What if I kissed you?" I murmured, leaning even closer.
"What if I kicked your ass?" he replied, not budging an inch.
And back was the fucking reality.
Straightening up I sighed: "I guess it would hurt."
Randy chuckled.
"You bet, Johnny."
I was about to move away from him when I felt him shiver under my touch. The utility room wasn't heated and I wondered how long he already sat there.
Worried I stated the obvious: "You're shivering."
"Duh. I feel cold."
Frowning I felt the skin on his arms that felt alarmingly cold to my touch. I stepped back from the washer and pulled him with me.
"How long have you been sitting here?"
"Don't know," he uttered, rubbing some warmth back into his arms while we left the room. "Since you told me to go."
I stopped abruptly and he almost ran into me as I turned around to him.
"I never told you to go to the utility room and freeze to death," I chided him and underlined my words by jabbing him into the chest.
Randy caught my hand and held it gently.
"No, but it felt exactly like that."
His voice was laced with a slight amount of hurt and although I knew that I did not need to feel bad for sending him out of my room a few hours ago… his side blow hurt. Pulling my hand out of his, I decided that it had been enough for one day.
"Go, take a hot shower before you catch a cold, Orton. I'm gonna hit the hay."
He opened his mouth to say something, probably to hold be back, but then he closed his mouth again and nodded, smiling. I nodded back and started to walk up the stairs to my room, which was still filled with quietness. But it wasn't deafening like before. It was calming and giving into tiredness I let myself simply fall onto my bed, closing my eyes. It didn't take long until a dreamless and dark nothing engulfed me…
