Warning: This story is rated M for language and lemons and instances of sexual abuse.
Disclaimer: Twilight is the creation of Stephenie Meyer, I just amp up the angst and throw in some lemons...rated M for just that reason. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Hello again. This chapter was a bit of a struggle for me, but I finally decided to just go with it and this is what came of that leap of faith. Bella is still in intensive therapy, but you're seeing less of it as she begins to get closer to the end of her medically induced lockdown. Plenty of therapy is still to come, so don't fear that you've seen the last of Dr. G, because I love her far too much and Bella will be facing too much in the upcoming months for her to bail on therapy.
Also, Bella's poems in this chapter are mine. One of them was something I wrote for a class back in college and has since been added to a play of mine, but the others were more specifically written for Bella, but there's still a lot of me in them. Hope you enjoy those. They're in italics so that you know he's reading them in his head.
BPOV
I'm starting to hate my room. After nearly a month of lockdown all I wanted to do was leave and never go back. And I was excited as the day was fast approaching. Eight more days until Halloween, which was the night Dr. Cullen had set for my release. I was excited that I was going to get to go out because Halloween was one of my favorite holidays and Alice had been a blast with all her costume ideas and we finally settled on one I liked, so come next Friday I was going to be a pirate queen.
Before Dr. G would sign off on less frequent sessions she wanted me to talk to Emmett, which I had been dreading since she mentioned it last week, along with my return to classes. Today was the day though, so I was sitting up in bed, waiting for Rose to come by with my brother.
The key turning in the lock set my stomach into its impression of an acrobat as I heard them come in and make their way to my door. Emmett let out a deep breath and then knocked. "Come in Emmett." I called out as the door opened.
Emmett walked in and stopped as he looked me over, which made me glad that I had waited this long because all of the bruises were finally healed. "Hey Bella, how are you?"
"Better, what about you?"
Emmett moved my desk chair to my bedside and sat down. "Can't complain."
We sat there in a very awkward silence before I finally broke it. "How's football going?"
Emmett turned towards my window. "I'm not playing anymore."
I looked at him shocked. "Emmett, you helped found that touch football league, why would you…" I trailed off, knowing exactly why he had stopped playing.
"Bella it was taking up too much time, with practices and games and all the running the league stuff…so now I'm just in charge of the league. Like the commissioner or something. I actually really like it."
"That's good, I'm glad." I smiled weakly and then stared back down at the comforter.
"So, how's Edward?"
"He's good, but I'm sure he'll be thrilled when I'm free again." It was Emmett's scoff that forced me to look up.
"Bella, that boy cares about you, don't sell everyone short."
"I didn't mean it like that. I meant that he knows how crazy I've been going in here and he'll be happy to see me going on with some semblance of a normal life."
Emmett rolled his eyes and I was starting to get really annoyed. "Oh, so I'm the bad guy, nice to know what role you've cast me in."
"I didn't cast you in shit! You were the one that took a page out of mom and dad's playbook and ignored what was going on with me. All I want is for you to accept that I'm not this happy little thing. I'm going to be sad, and there will be times when I'm downright depressed, those are the times I need my brother to be there for me, not ignore me because he's afraid of a serious conversation."
"Okay, point taken. Speaking of mom and dad, are you going to call them?"
"No, I email them twice a week, but I honestly have nothing to say to them right now, nothing nice at least."
My brother shook his head. "How about Thanksgiving, they want to know when your last class is so they can book our flights."
"I'm not going home for Thanksgiving."
"Bella." He was trying to guilt me into coming but I wasn't having any part of that.
"No. I'm not going to sit across the table for them and try to bite my tongue. I won't be able to go the whole weekend without telling them, and I'm not ready for a fight. I'll see them at Christmas."
"So you're going to send me to deal with them alone?"
I shook my head before answering him. "Emmett, it will be the same as every year. Eat dinner, watch football with dad and then spend the rest of the weekend hanging out with your friends."
Emmett shifted in his seat. "Bella, I have to go to class in a little bit, but I want to know…how are you, really?"
"It's tough, but I survive. I'll be better when I get out of here."
Emmett nodded and then stood and gave me a hug before he left, using Rosalie's key to lock up.
Emmett and I never had serious conversations, so that was about as good as it could have gone, but the fact that he brought up Thanksgiving with my parents automatically made the knot in my stomach grow.
I was curled up under the covers when Edward came home an hour later. "Hey Edward, how was your class?"
"It was alright. How was the pow wow with Emmett?"
"We fought, which is a good thing. But he mentioned that my parents want me to come home for Thanksgiving, but I'm not going."
"Well, you're always welcome at the Cullen house of horrors."
I giggled at Edward's characterization of his family dinner. "So, anything else going on out there?"
Edward sat at the foot of my bed. "Actually, yeah. Someone found a little kitten in the parking garage, it's like two weeks old or something like that, but it has problems with its legs and one of its eyes is messed up so no one wants to keep it. Eric is going to drop it off at the shelter."
My chest tightened as I thought about the poor little kitten and exactly what would happen to him at the shelter. "Edward he can't! They won't spend the money to make him better; they'll just put him down right away. Please Edward, can we take him, don't let them kill the kitten."
Edward stood up and came over to me and took my hand. "Okay, I'll call Eric and see if he still has the kitten."
Edward dialed his phone and waited for Eric to answer. "Eric, its Edward. Bella and I are gonna take the cat." There was a moment where I heard Eric telling Edward something I couldn't quite make out. "Thanks, I'll see you in a few." He hung up the phone and turned to me. "Okay, my father will probably kill me for this, but screw it, you're coming with me."
"Where are we going?"
"We're getting the cat and then bringing it to the vet Eric found a few blocks away and then we're going shopping for it, because I don't know shit about cats, and besides this little terror is your baby."
I laughed and stood up to go get dressed. I was allowed a little more freedom throughout the apartment, but Edward's dad still didn't want me pushing it, so this trip would probably be against doctor's orders, but I was thrilled to be getting out of the apartment. I got dressed and when I finally walked into the living room, Eric was standing there with a shoebox in his hand. Inside the shoebox was a t-shirt and the most adorable little gray and black and white striped kitten.
"Oh baby!" I cooed as I took the box from Eric. Both boys laughed before I shot daggers at them both.
"I called the vet and they have time to see you now." Eric gave Edward a piece of paper with the info on it.
"Thanks man. Come on Bells, we better get going."
I was giddy at the prospect of getting out for a while and Edward was smirking at my reaction as he locked the door and the three of us went to the elevator together. When the doors opened Edward and I went to the parking garage, leaving Eric to ride back to the main floor. Edward held the door for me as I slid into his car and then handed me the kitten. The little bugger was stubborn; he rolled around the box the whole way to the vet trying to support his weight on his hind legs. He also had a very proud air about him when he sat and the way his fur covered him, he looked like he was wearing an old fashioned coat with tails over a white shirt and pair of slacks.
When we arrived at the vet's office a few minutes later, Edward helped me from the car and we walked up to the reception desk. The girl behind the counter looked up when I sat the shoebox on the counter. "Do you have an appointment?"
"No, my RD called a few minutes ago, we found a stray kitten in our parking garage." Edward smiled and the young woman melted.
"Oh yeah…pets name?"
Edward shot me a glance because he had no idea what to call the thing, but I knew the perfect name. "Fitz Swan."
The girl wrote it down and then called the vet tech out to show us to the exam room. After I sat the box on the table, I pulled Fitz to my chest and began petting his head and cuddling him as he purred. A minute later Dr. Handlin came in and began looking over Fitz. We voiced our concerns about his eye and his hind legs and she told us she would be back in a few minutes.
When she finally returned he was clean and fluffy as she sat him back in the box and turned her attention towards us. "Have you ever taken care of a kitten before?"
We both shook our heads and she smiled. "Well the most important thing is that you love him, and I can see that you do. Now as far as his care, in the beginning he's going to need to be fed every two to three hours, just like a human infant. I'll give you the name of the formula you should buy and you'll also need a nursing bottle. His eye has a common infection, and I'll give you an ointment that you'll have to use on him twice a day. And his legs could be something more serious, but he's also a two week old kitten, who probably hasn't gotten much nutrition, so all I can tell you for now is to encourage him to walk when he's supervised, but other than that, get him a box he can sleep in. He won't be able to use a litter box yet, so you'll have to change the bedding in his box a lot, and keep his hind end clean. Normally his mother would do it, but you have to be very careful with that, every time he does his business, he has to be cleaned."
I just pulled him to my chest and cuddled him some more. "I bet you feel so much better after your bath. Momma's gonna take good care of you." I turned back to the vet and smiled. "Thank you, when should we make our next appointment?"
The vet smiled at my affectionate cooing and then looked at the file. "I would say in two weeks, that way we give his eye a chance to clear up. If you have any problems before that, don't hesitate to call."
We both thanked the vet before we went back to the waiting room to pay the receptionist. I was about to reach into my purse when I saw Edward's hand fly across the counter with his credit card already being swiped through the pin pad. "Edward." I tried to sound reproachful but he just laughed.
"That kitten has made you happier in the last half hour than I've seen you ever, let me pay for today."
I smiled at him as we made our way to the car. "Okay, now I have to ask…Fitz?"
I laughed at his tone and then pointed to the sleeping ball of fur that already owned my heart. "He's so proud and he looks like a little English gentleman from a Jane Austen book, so of course I chose to name him after Fitzwilliam Darcy."
Edward shook his head and laughed as we pulled into the Petco. We got out of the car and I sat Fitz's box in the child seat area and began pushing the cart as Edward came up behind me and put his hands on either side of mine and stood close behind me as we headed for the cat section. "If you start to get tired, let me know."
I nodded as we continued to walk around and found the kitten food. Edward grabbed two cans of the kitten formula, not even balking at the $20 price tag before grabbing two bottles and heading towards the toy section. He picked up some balls and a fish on a pole that I fell in love with so I could try and get him walking. We found a bed for him for later and Edward asked the guy packing out bags of food if they had any boxes that we could keep the cat in, which he went in the back to get for us. I picked out some kitten wipes and a carrier and then we headed for the checkout, the whole time Edward stayed very close and the heat radiating off of him was so inviting that it took everything in me not to turn in his arms and kiss him.
Once again Edward paid and then we headed back to the apartment.
EPOV
Seeing Bella so happy made keeping the kitten an easy choice. But soon after she returned to her room with Fitz, there was a knock at my door and as soon as I saw my father's face my buzz was immediately killed.
"Edward, what were you thinking?"
"Dad?" I honestly didn't know what had him so upset.
"I stopped by earlier and one of your neighbors said that you and Bella were gone. I know Bella's doing better, but I told you I wanted her to have another week before she started going out again."
"Dad, it wasn't like we went out partying, it was a onetime thing."
"What could have been so important that you brought her out before both her therapist and I gave the okay?"
I took a deep breath. "There was this kitten that was found in the garage, and when Bella found out they were going to send it to the shelter she freaked, so we took it in. The things only a few weeks old and Bella was so in love with it that I brought her with me to the vet and then the pet store because she would need to know what to do more than I did. We were gone a little over an hour and if you took one look at Bella before that cat showed up and now, you would be happy that she got out."
My father's face softened some and he let out a deep breath. "How did she handle the outing?"
"Fine, I mean I'm sure it'll be harder once she has to start back at classes, but she didn't freak or look around too much, she was like her old self."
My dad smiled at the news and then motioned towards Bella's door. I walked with him over to her room and then knocked. "Bella, my dad wants to see you."
"Come in Dr. Cullen."
I opened the door and followed in as my dad sat on the bed next to Bella, who was sitting cross-legged with the kitten in her arms and the box, which now had one of her old towels in it, sitting next to her bed. "I hear you went out a little earlier?" My dad was putting on his doctor façade, but Bella let out a small chuckle.
"Dr. Cullen, I think it's only fair to warn you, the walls are paper thin in this place. I heard you yelling at Edward. Please don't be mad at him. I really was starting to go batty here and the whole time he made sure I didn't push it and that we were back as soon as we could be."
My dad smiled at her and motioned towards Fitz. "It looks like he has you wrapped around his little paw. And please Bella; call me Carlisle outside the hospital. Now, I'm glad to see that today helped you, but no leaving the building until Halloween. I think Edward was right to start getting you out of the apartment for a short time, but no more trips. You can go to the different social rooms, and you can start doing your own laundry, but no heavy lifting, leave that to Edward until I give you the all clear."
Bella's face lit up and she leapt forward to hug my dad while still keeping the kitten safe. "Thank you Carlisle, I was about to make Edward paint my walls just to get a change of scenery."
My dad laughed and turned to look at me. "The fact that you could even consider that means that that kitten has nothing on your powers of persuasion."
We all laughed but my father was right, I'd do anything for her and hopefully someday, she'd let me.
BPOV
Two days after I was freed, I decided to do laundry and give Edward a break from having to do everything short of wiping my ass. I loaded the three machines, all while Fitz sat in his shoebox watching.
I leaned against the table, playing with my baby when I heard someone come up behind me and I froze until I recognized the voice I hadn't heard in a while. "What's his name?"
I turned to see Tanya standing behind me. "Fitz."
Tanya looked down and then met my eyes again. "I was so sorry to hear about what happened to you."
I had a feeling this was going to get awkward real quick so I was hoping to nip it in the butt. "Tanya…can we not-"
Her face changed and I was grateful that she got my hesitation. "Sure…sorry. But hey, at least you got Edward out of it. When I dumped him I thought he would spend the rest of the semester pining over you." What. The. Fuck.
"Tanya, what in the hell are you talking about?" I looked at her annoyed, because I honestly had no idea what she was saying.
"You mean he didn't…and you two aren't…oh shit." With that, Tanya turned on her heel and left the laundry room.
I stood there completely blown away by what she had said. According to the slightly snotty tone when she mentioned that all the drama had won me Edward made me lean towards actually believing her. But if that was true, if Edward really did have feelings for me, that changed everything that had happened between us.
The timer on my laundry went off and I quickly threw my clothes into the dryer and then began writing again. The words came quickly as I tried to think of what I would do, what I should do. But I already knew my choice, I needed answers. My laundry finished and I packed up my granny cart and pushed it to the elevator with Fitz bouncing along in his shoebox as I got to the apartment.
I put my clothes away and tried to think of how I was going to talk about this with Edward, but I had no clue. I was however, tired from my afternoon so I decided to take a nap and I would hopefully wake up with a brilliant idea.
EPOV
When I got back from my Medical Honor Society meeting I was expecting to see Bella playing with Fitz on the couch, as she had been the past few days, but instead I heard the insistent meowing coming from Bella's room. I walked over to her door and knocked quickly before poking my head in and seeing her shoulders shake as she cried. Fitz was sitting in his box staring up in Bella's general direction, and I could tell from the empty bottle of formula sitting on her nightstand that he had been fed since I left.
I sat next to Bella, her eyes glazed over as the tears fell silently. I placed my hand on her arm and her eyes focused before her head snapped up to look at me. "Bella what hap-"
"I ran into Tanya in the laundry room today…it was very educational." I instantly flushed with anger at whatever Tanya had done to upset Bella. I knew she was annoyed at me for how I felt about Bella, but for her to get in her face after all she's been through…but then the second part of the sentence clicked in my head and I felt the color drain from my face. There was only one thing that Tanya could have said to Bella that could be described as 'educational.' "I'm not mad that you didn't tell me…I get it actually."
I was completely confused now. She was crying as she laid there, but she wasn't mad? "What exactly did Tanya say to you?"
"She said that at least I got you out of the whole mess, and that she thought you would have pined over me the whole semester. Then when she realized that you hadn't told me she got the hell out of there."
I growled at her for even thinking that if Bella and I were together than that was something good to come out of everything with Jake, because I would be miserable for the rest of my life if it would take that away. "Bella, I was going to tell you, but then everything happened and you needed to get better and I wasn't going to complicate that for you."
Bella sat up and took my hand. "Edward, I know. You've put me first from the beginning and that's only one of the reasons I love you-" Bella stopped short at the admission and I quickly moved to make her feel less vulnerable.
"I love you too."
Tears began to escape her eyes, which were now closed tightly. "If I hadn't been such an idiot…if I had just stayed with you that night then none of this would have happened."
"Bella-" I wanted to stop her pattern of blaming herself, but she quickly cut me off.
"Edward, before you say anything, there are two things I need you to know. First, I need to let you know that if we start this, I need for it to move slow…like painfully slow. I need to learn to trust myself again and with the trial coming up in the next few months I'll be reliving this and I need support, I can't handle any more complications."
I nodded and squeezed her hand. "I want to support you, just like I have been, but I also want you to realize that you're worthy of something more than the pain he caused you, you deserve to be loved." Her eyes focused on mine as the tears continued to fall.
"Then the other thing I need is for you to read this. Because I need you to know exactly what I'm feeling about everything, not the sugar coated version." Bella reached beside her and handed me the journal I had bought her for her birthday. "I marked with the post-it's the poems I want you to read…the rest of that is a little too personal for anyone to read…but I trust you. I'm going to put in dinner, come find me when you're done."
Bella picked Fitz out of the box and sat him in the shoebox as she grabbed his bottle and headed to the kitchen. I sat there in shock for a few moments before I finally turned to the first page marked with a post-it. Her handwriting scrawled across the paper where a title-less poem filled the page.
Confused,
A pounding that won't cease.
Pain,
With no sign of relief.
Fear,
What is this place?
A night I can't remember,
A morning I won't forget.
He left me there broken,
And filled with regret.
There's no comfort in the light,
Only magnification of mistakes.
My spirit is shattered,
He's a master at being fake.
His words in my ears,
His hands on my wrists,
His lips on my throat,
My hands balled in fists.
I'm perfectly still,
Until the end comes.
I close myself off,
I pray to go numb.
I dress myself quickly,
And make a getaway.
I cry in the shower,
And go on with my day.
My heart broke as I read an unedited version of what Jake had done to her. I knew she left me alone so that she didn't have to watch me react, but also so I could react how I needed to so that way when I saw her I could be there for her like she needed. This wasn't the description she had given the police, or the edited version she gave everyone else. This was the hell she endured while I blindly went about my life. I turned to the next page that was noted and the title, An Attack of Panic, made my stomach knot up.
A slight twinge of pain
A shortness of breath
A trembling hand
And I'm filled with unrest
In a split second
My comfort is gone
I'm screaming in silence
My mind is a fog
With no idea of cause
No sign of relief
I've just said good-bye
To a good night's sleep
It shames my family
It frightens my friends
This hell has no escape
Just to wait till it ends
Only few understand
Mainly comrades in arms
In the war against fear
Where my minds too far gone
Yet there's a voice in the darkness
A beacon of light
His love and his friendship
Makes my chest seem less tight
With a few simple words
"Hey, it's going to pass."
I know that he'll be there
That he'll help me last
He's never been to my hell
But he's seen it in my eyes
Yet he smiles
And he hugs me
And my panic subsides
I may not know its cause
But I know its relief
In the look in his eyes
And the trust that we keep.
This poem made me smile, if only slightly, because even though it illustrated her terror, I was present in it, a calming influence that brought some relief. I felt less useless as I looked over the words and steadied myself for the next entry.
I know he can't hurt me
But he's with me now
The voice in my memory
That shatters my will
Trapped in the fear
Restricted to bed
His face fills my vision
Though it's all in my head
He claims his possession
Keeps me trapped in the fear
That he'll get me through him
Which would hurt me worse still
He's discovered my weakness
And uses it well
So I sacrifice myself
In this personal hell
He follows me waking
He haunts in my sleep
I struggle in silence
While everyone sleeps
I want to get better
But I don't know the way
So I'm locked in this battle
Until daylight can come
Once again I felt the acid rise in my throat because I had heard her scream and cry over what that monster had done to her, what he still did to her. When I saw her reference to Jake using me to hurt her I got even angrier, because I knew that people had started talking about us, and that most assumed we were now a couple. Although I didn't mind it, I knew that come time for the trial it could be ammunition for the defense, especially considering Jake's ranting about Bella dumping him because of me. But even more evident were the nightmares where Jake had killed me, and how those caused Bella to scream louder and cry harder than when she dreamt that he killed her. I was her weakness, and I couldn't afford to let her down.
Flipping to the final poem I noticed it was the most recent entry in the journal, and when I saw today's date at the top I got a little nervous at what might be coming.
She thought we were lovers
Though lovers we're not
But now with this knowledge
It thickens the plot
Every time that he held me
Every touch that we shared
Meant as much for him as it did for me
With us both unaware
The blinders have been torn away
And the light hurts my eyes
My brain tells me to hold off
But my heart begs to hold him tight
It's a dangerous dance
This thing we begin
With many ways to end badly
And far few chances to win
Yet the pain of not knowing
Would kill me quicker still
And the feelings inside me
Have strengthened my will
So if it is true
And there's love in his eyes
Then we'll journey together
With my heart as his prize
The tears that filled my eyes as I read her choice made me feel supremely unworthy of her. She was risking so much by moving forward with me, but at the same time she was eager to know the truth and go on from there. Usually I would have felt like a bitch for crying like this, but Bella was worth it. I closed the book and wiped my face, getting up to talk to my Bella.
She was standing at the counter making a salad when I stopped behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder. "Bella, thank you…I know that it took a lot for you to trust me like that."
Bella giggled. "Edward, you've seen me naked…trust me I felt a lot more exposed to you that night than I did knowing that you were reading that. Now there are no secrets."
She motioned towards the living room and I grabbed some plates and silverware and set the table while she pulled the small platter of stuffed shells out of the oven and carried it to the table. I got us each a soda and then we sat down to eat.
I watched Bella more than I ate, mesmerized that we had finally both admitted to our feelings; I never thought this day would come, so to have it come so soon was so unbelievable that I had to resist the urge to pinch myself.
"Edward?" I shook my head and focused on Bella, aware that I had obviously missed the question she had asked.
"Sorry Bells, I was just thinking…what did you say?"
Bella smiled and looked up at me from under her lashes. "I wanted to know how your meeting went."
I smiled back at her, completely forgetting that the meeting had been today…it felt like a lifetime ago. "Fine, mainly they were talking about the new inductees and the dinner. Which reminds me, Bella will you go with me to the Medical Honor Society Induction Dinner at the end of the semester?"
Bella laughed and then nodded. "I'd love to go with you, but tell Alice she has to be gentle."
I joined in the laughter as I remembered that Halloween was this Friday. "Do you have a costume for Friday?"
"Yup, bought it online and it is all ready to go. Alice and Rose are going to help me get ready. Where are you taking me anyway?"
"We're all going to a private party, you have to pay for your ticket and it is a little more upscale than going to some bar…I wanted to make sure you felt safe for your first real outing."
Bella reached out and took my hand. "You're so good to me. I don't know what I'd do without you."
I squeezed her hand in mine and then picked up our dishes. "Why don't you pick something for us to watch while I clean up?"
Bella ran her hand up my arm before disappearing into her bedroom. When I was done with the dishes I changed into my pajamas and walked into the living room to see Bella sitting on the couch in a tank top and shorts. It had been so long since Bella had worn anything that didn't completely cover her that I couldn't help the happiness I felt as more of the old Bella came out in little ways.
The screen flashed orange and I realized that she had grabbed her Arrested Development DVDs. I sat down next to her, not really knowing what to do. I knew I had to take it slow and let her make all the moves but I didn't even know how she would react if I tried to lounge on the couch with her like we used to.
Sensing my uncertainty, Bella lifted my arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, cuddling into my side. I relaxed and kicked up my feet as she sighed before starting the DVD. "It's okay Edward; I'll let you know if something is too soon."
I smiled as I leaned down to kiss her hair and then turned my attention to the show.
Four episodes later, we shut off the TV and Bella shifted next to me, but when I went to stand up her hand grasped mine. I looked at her and she leaned in slightly, ghosting her lips over mine before making definite contact.
I moved slowly, kissing gently as she held my face in her tiny hands and gave me everything she could for the time being. When she pulled away a moment later, the smile that filled her face was so radiant that I took a chance and kissed her softly again. "Goodnight Bella." I whispered against her lips.
She blushed and walked to her room, turning to me before she closed the door. "Goodnight Edward."
So there you have it…the cat is out of the bag! I know you guys have been waiting for this moment, and I was going to hold it off, but I want them to build slowly, so I had to get the ball rolling now.
And speaking of cat…Fitz is real. He had a similar story, and I've had him for over a year now. Sometimes when you're sad and anxious a purring cat can make all the difference, and they always seem to know when to stop being pissy and start with the loving…more cute kitty stories in future chapters…until then, REVIEWS=LOVE!
