Note: I realize it's been a while since I published a DANCING WITH SNOWFLAKES story, so here's the latest one! This one was inspired by the Stabbing Westward song, "Haunting Me." I defy ANYONE to listen to that song and not just feel it fill your soul with an incredible longing. I'm also aggravated as all-get-out because I can so imagine a video to this, but I can't animate.
Can you believe I've written nine of these, and this is the first Nasami-POV story? Wow...
The Vow
Awake.
With a gasp, I open my eyes, certain that I will see my chambers at my parents' home when I do. But all I see are low rafters and rough wooden walls. There is no scent of gently blooming violets, only the earthier smell of burning pine.
And I realize I was dreaming. Dreaming of a time when I was still young, innocent, and idealistic.
I'm not even certain what woke me, as the last fragments of my dream slip away like sands through an hourglass. All I can remember is the feeling of a hand in mine, a strong hand, with long graceful fingers and a firm grasp. I quickly glance around the room, but all of the samurai are asleep - all except Shichiroji, who is currently out on guard duty.
It is so warm in here, with so many of us in the same room, and the fire still burning brightly even now, so late in the night. I shift beneath my blanket and stare up at the rafters, but I can't seem to get comfortable.
I close my eyes again. Fifteen years since my gempukku, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. The Clan daimyo was there, a special honor out of respect for my parents... my sensei, for once not glowering at me... my parents, my brothers and sister smiling...
My older brother beside me, as the daimyo handed us our swords, and a new generation took possession of the katanas Sememasu and Mamorimasu.
My forearms tingle slightly with the memory of the tattoo artist's needle bringing glorious colors to life on my pale skin.
On that day, we swore to uphold the traditions, values, and honor of our Clan.
But it was something I had said... something else I had promised... that comes back to haunt me like a ghost that can find no solace.
My vow.
"I swear to defend my house, my family, my Clan, from this day forth and forevermore..."
Wait...
My mind slowly registers the fact that the sensation of someone holding my hand is real... not just the memory of a dream.
Then I glance over to my right, where Kambei is sleeping on the pallet next to mine. He looks so much younger as he sleeps, the lines of anxiety and stress fading from his face.
And I see that he is holding one of my hands in his own, even in sleep.
"I devote myself, body, heart, and soul, from this day forth and forevermore..."
I can feel the heat of his fingers through his gloves, burning as hot as if I'd stuck my hand into the fire. A blush sears my cheeks at the idea that I had reached out in my sleep to take his hand.
Or did he reach out for mine?
I roll onto my side so that I can face him, and study him intently, the way I never can while he is awake. I let my eyes wander over his high cheekbones, full mouth, strong features, surprisingly long lashes on a man.
Then his eyes open partway and his half-closed gaze meets mine directly. In an instant, I realize that for once, the walls are down, my guard has slipped, and he is staring straight into my soul. So much that I keep hidden is laid bare before him in a single moment.
Respect. Trust. Affection.
Desire.
Oh, God.
"My heart will remain pure, my body chaste, my spirit true, from this day forth and forevermore..."
I swallow hard, but I cannot look away. His mouth curves subtly into a smile, and my heart stops in my chest as his fingers tighten on mine.
Is he even aware of what he's doing?
Then his eyes drift shut again and his grip loosens.
I carefully pull my fingers free and rise, trying not to trip over the others sleeping on the floor. It is a struggle to raise the bar over the door without making noise, but I finally lift it free and open the door, then flee outside.
For a while, I just walk, letting the night wind cool me.
"Nasami-dono?"
I glance to one side and see Shichiroji standing in the shadows, looking concerned.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes, I just... couldn't sleep. Dreams..."
"I know how that feels... you just stare into the darkness for hours on end wishing you could just let it all go." His face becomes somber for a moment, then he brightens again. "It's a nice night. Want to walk with me?"
I nod, and fall into step beside him.
"Care to talk about them?" he asks after a while.
"What?"
"Your dreams... would you like to talk? It might help."
I wrap my arms around myself. "I was... dreaming about home. The day of my gempukku ceremony."
"Anything about it in particular?" He glances at me, and I realize that this man is a lot more perceptive than people give him credit for.
"Yes, actually," I admit.
"Ahhh, I think I understand now."
I look at him, surprised. "You do?"
"Mm-hmm. If memory serves, samuraiko generally take a certain vow the day they come of age, correct?"
He does understand. "Yes, they do."
"And you did as well."
I nod.
"Didn't that get you into trouble all those years you were traveling with other samurai? Or even now?"
"I never did anything that violated that oath," I muse softly. "And my word has always been unquestioned."
"So why worry now?"
"I..." I wave my hands helplessly. "I've never been... tempted to before now."
And oh, how it hurts...
Shichiroji stops in his tracks and turns to look at me, but I can't meet those blue eyes.
"So I guess then the question is, what's stronger?" He stares at me intently. "Your honor... or your heart?"
"That's not fair," I whisper, clenching my hands so tightly that my fingernails pierce the skin, and blood slowly trickles from my palms.
"But that's what it all comes down to in the end, Nasami." Shichiroji steps closer, and places his hands on my shoulders. "When the time comes... which will you choose?"
Thoughts race through my mind so fast that I can barely concentrate.
My vow...
A man who sees not only the legend, but the woman behind it...
My honor...
Lonely days and lonelier nights...
My name...
The warmth of a hand holding mine...
My life...
Tears shed alone in the darkness...
My voice catches as I speak, trying to hold back tears that I don't even realize I am weeping. "I... I don't know."
Later.
I have walked with Shichiroji for what feels like hours, and finally we find ourselves back at Rikichi's small house. I carefully let myself in, weave my way across the floor, and stretch out once again on my pallet. Shichiroji kneels and gently shakes Heihachi awake, as it is the mechanic's turn to keep watch.
The fire is lower, and shadows dance and flicker along the walls in time with the flames.
Kambei sleeps soundly, as all soldiers learn to do. I rest my head on my pillow and just watch him again, even as the tears fall and blur my vision.
How can I throw away a lifetime of integrity?
How can I not?
And as I let myself fall back asleep, I reach out and take his hand.
