Jessica: "My point exactly. It's the zero fucks that worry me."
Jessica heads outside to check on me. I'm leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette. This is an all too familiar scene for me. The last time I was standing up against a wall somewhere trying to make the world go away I was on the phone talking with Kenzie. My ex fiancé and it was the last conversation we had as a couple. It played back my head as I smoked like an annoying song on repeat.
_Flashback to being outside an arena in California_
Coincidentally, this also is around the time Roxy and I are reunited as friends again too. I'd known she was back on the wrestling circuit, but last time I had heard she was still over on the Indies. I knew she talked about she wanted to be a part of NXT or WWE and I knew that Maddie was trying to form a group of females that were going to run along -side The Shield. As far as I was concerned, that's all it was talk. But, Kenzie knew all about Roxy's return as Diamond Dust and she'd been watching her. So, it didn't help that I waited for a month before I even thought about bringing up the fact that we used to date back when I was younger on the CZW circuit. So, I'm guilty of doing the same thing Roxy did to me. But, I took it a step further and even put the two of them in a situation that was awkward and difficult. I know now that I maybe should've been thinking with the sober head on my shoulders not the one in my pants.
But, my mind remembers sitting on the roof top in Vegas with all the stars in the sky shining bright. I'd taken her to the top of the Stratosphere Hotel and Casino. Basically, the tallest building on the strip at the time and that change every day out there. I was being spontaneous and I couldn't think of a grander gesture. So, I got down on one knee in front of the glass bottomed room and presented her with the most beautiful perfect heart shaped pink diamond ring. I custom ordered it from a place called Rocks at The Hard Rock Hotel. She'd been admiring it that night and I snuck back when she wasn't looking and bought it for her. It seemed like a beautiful thing to do at the time. It would've marked our two year anniversary together. But, as with everything I do, there is always a "But" attached to it. This time it wasn't from me though.
"I am sorry, babe. I'm just not ready. The ring is amazing and it's a beautiful idea. I love the idea that you want to celebrate two years together like that. I just can't get married right now. We barely know each other's habits."
Dean: "I love you. We've been through heaven and hell together and I want to have babies and grow old together. You're my heart and soul. There will never be another one for me. I don't care about you're habits or if they are like mine or not. That's what marriage is about. Growing with each other and getting to know each other more and more every day."
Kenzie: "I love you too. I'm not ready for babies and growing old together. I can't do this."
I get up off the floor realizing I look like a damn fool kneeling before this woman who obviously is not seeing my point or the romantic gesture behind the proposal or maybe she does see it and it scares the shit out of her. I never took the time to think it through at that time.
Dean: "What's the hold up? I'm seriously trying here. The setting couldn't be any more perfect. It's even the ring you picked out. "
Kenzie: "How about the fact that I'm not sure about our relationship? I just recovered from having a threesome with your ex- girlfriend. You're ex- girlfriend said it was awkward and I felt awkward with her. I'm just surprised that you didn't say it was awkward first. You kept the fact that she was back on RAW with you for I'd say at least a month before you even thought I might run into her let alone already know because I am dating a wrestler."
I put the ring back in my pocket. This obviously wasn't going to happen and she felt like now would be a good opportunity to rake me over the coals.
Dean: "Being half drunk at the time made it feel less awkward for me. I felt like I was getting the best of both worlds. I've always wanted a threesome with you two and it was my moment. I took advantage before I could think it through and I am sorry I put both of you through that. We went over this when all of this happened."
Kenzie: "That's why I can't marry you. You can't just do whatever you want because it sounds good at the time. You have to think things all the way through and realize that there are consequences for your actions. Don't get me wrong. I love your spontaneous little romantic gestures like this. Its part of the reason I started to date you. It's the reason why I stayed for this long with you. That and I love you with all of my heart. I just can't be with a man who hides stuff from me especially the major stuff like that."
Dean: "I know. I am sorry I didn't think it through and I am sorry I jeopardized yours and Roxy's friendship like that. I feel like an asshole for it. I should've just told you about her from the get go instead of thinking I could get away with being with both of you at the same time. I'm a guy and I do stupid guy stuff sometimes and that was my stupid guy stuff moment."
Kenzie: "Well, that's the right emotion to have. It was an asshole move. Stupid guy stuff is like leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night or not folding your socks. This was an ex-girlfriend you tried to keep from me. If the shoe was on the other foot you would shit kittens."
I couldn't argue that point because it was true. We'd never recover from this and there was nothing I could say or do that was going to change her mind.
Dean: "So this really is it."
Kenzie: "I guess so."
Dean: "I never thought proposing marriage would end my relationship. I can't believe you're ending it this way."
Kenzie: "Don't be angry. It's me not you. I'm just not ready for this."
Dean: "Holy shit. You just said it's not you it's me. That's even worse than not accepting my proposal. That's a cop out right there."
Kenzie: "It's not a cop out. I'm not ready for that type of a commitment with you."
Dean: "Yeah. I get it. You're walking away from me just like everyone else I ever tried to love. You know what, just go. I'm not going to fight for you and I sure as hell am not going to put any more effort into keeping our relationship. I'm done with women and love and all that drama and pain."
With that, I walked into whatever arena we were at and slammed down my phone harder then I intended to and shattered the screen. Roman heard the commotion and turned around. It seemed like Roman was always there to pick me up when I fell. That's how I came to trust him like my brother.
Roman: "What the hell is wrong with you? You just shattered your phone."
Dean: "Fuck women and fuck everything that goes with them."
_Present day_
I felt that same anger and bitterness returning again and it wasn't a welcomed feeling. I never did cope well with being fucked over and right now my feelings were just as all over the place as they were then. Part of me wanted to beat the living shit out Corbin and make an example out of him. The other part of me wanted to scream and throw shit and then there was the side of me that felt like a pregnant woman on PMS if that was possible. I could burst into tears at any given moment and I wasn't about to do it in public where everyone could see me.
Jessica: "Are you all right, Dean?"
Dean: "Nope. I'm drunk and I still can't get rid of the feeling that I had my guts ripped out and stomped on."
Jessica: "I'm sorry you're hurting."
Dean: "Yeah me too. I can't believe Roxanne slept with Baron fucking Corbin."
Jessica: "Me either. I thought she was in love with you."
Dean: "She was in love with me. She just had one night with Corbin and she said she'd stop being with him for me. It just doesn't make me feel any better. I hate when women betray me and I hate when my relationships end up like this. I swear to God I have a sign that says "please fuck me over. I'm a decent guy." Maybe if I acted like a cheating bastard I'd stop getting treated like an asshole."
Jessica: "That doesn't work. I tried that extreme. It doesn't change a thing with the cheating and lying."
Dean: "I know and neither does drinking myself numb."
Jessica: "Well, let's get you back to the house so you can rest."
Dean: "You have a house in Orlando now?"
Jessica: "Yeah. I'm going to start training again and I wanted my own place. Plus I got the place in Kalamazoo."
Dean: "Well, at this point I'd take the place in Kalamazoo just to escape the presence of Roxy and her memories."
I threw the cigarette butt into the gutter like it was going to help burn out the memories in my head. Jessica slung her arm around me in a comforting gesture and I snuggled against her shoulder. It felt good to have someone who supported me standing there.
Jessica: "The best I can do is the Orlando house."
Dean: "Sold to the man who drank too much whiskey."
Jessica: "I'll get my purse."
She goes inside and gets her purse. I notice her kiss Seth and walk out. He looked like someone kicked his cat and I felt like shit seeing him that way. I knew Jessica would take good care of me and make sure I got home safe. So I stopped worrying as soon as I got in her car. Jessica is good people and she takes care of all of us like family.
Dean: "Thank you for taking care of me. I know it's hard to be pulled between me and Roxy."
Jessica: "I'd like to take care of you both but I don't want to make it awkward and right now you look like you could use time alone to cry."
Dean: "Thank you. Now I'm an emo chick."
Jessica: "You are not a chick. Just because you have feelings doesn't make you any less of a man."
Dean: "I know. I just hate crying. It seems so pointless to sit around and cry over a broken heart. It doesn't bring her back and it doesn't change the fact that she cheated on me with Corbin."
Jessica: "But sometimes you just have to let it all out. It's healthy that way and makes you feel better."
Dean: "I know. I have no problem with healthy expressions."
I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down and I was the last living man in it. Jessica usually had a knack for making me feel better or at least laugh, but all I could do was feel like a huge hole was in my soul. No cure for that. In my younger days I'd get drunk and take home the first woman who said hi to me. But the only woman around is Jess and I'm not doing that to Seth. I could feel the whiskey burning in my stomach. I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke or scream.
Jessica: "You don't look so good."
Dean: "Are we at your house yet?"
Jessica: "Yeah I just parked the car."
Dean: "Good. I need to get out and get some air."
I get out of the car and damn near trip into the gutter before I realize I am about to heave on the first thing I land. Luckily I made it into the gutter for once and my body stayed on the grass. Jess made sure I was ok before I finished heaving my guts into the gutter.
Jessica: "Are you going to make it in the house before the next wave hits?"
Dean: "I don't know."
I sat back on my ass in the grass and made sure I wasn't sitting in my own sick before I took a deep breath.
Dean: "I haven't been this fucked up in forever. Frankly, I don't miss it one bit. This sucks."
Jessica: "Do you need help getting on your feet?"
Dean: "If you wouldn't mind. I'm not covered in puke, am I?"
Jessica: "Nope. Zero puke on you. Good job, dude."
Dean: "I'd love to take credit for that."
Jessica: "You are good for being trashed."
Dean: "Thanks. Let's get inside."
Jessica: "Ok. If you're sure you're going to make it I'm ready to lead."
She helps me up and helps me lug my heavy ass into the house. I feel like a wet noodle flopping all over the place. I'm lucky I made it to the living room couch before gracefully falling into a heap on the pillows.
Dean: "Oh my God. I feel limp and heavy."
Jessica: "Well, put your head on the pillow and get comfortable."
I scoot myself on the couch and get comfortable. Jess puts my shoes in the closet and gets me into some comfortable clothes. I feel like a toddler letting mommy change me. I wished I hadn't got so sloppy now. I'm sure Jess wasn't having any fun lugging around a 250 lbs. grown man like a toddler either.
Dean: "I feel like an asshole."
Jessica: "You're not an asshole, Dean. You're drunk. I don't mind helping you, but I don't want you to get hurt either flopping around like you have no bones like this."
Dean: "I'm good now. Is there a downstairs bathroom?"
Jessica: "Yes. It's to the left."
I get up to use the bathroom and make it all the way without any incidents. I wash my face off with cold water and stare into the mirror at my reflection. The scruffy face blue eyed dude that stared back at me looked like hell.
Dean: "Damn, you are seriously drunk. You need to get it together."
I hold onto the sink like it's going to be my best friend and get my balance enough to go back to the couch. I make it back and Jess brings me water and Advil.
Dean: "God bless you, darling. I love you and your support is appreciated greatly."
Jessica: "I've been where you are Dean. I know what it's like to not be sure if you can walk or not without someone supporting you all the way. I feel your emotional pain too. I know right now you feel like the world is falling down around your ears. But Roxy loves you and you two have been strong for ten years. You need to seriously think about that. Ten years is a long time to know someone and you two have a history together."
Dean: "Yeah. I know and that's why it hurts so much. She was the last person on earth who needed to betray me. I don't think Corbin is worth all of this drama."
Jessica: "He's not worth it. He wasn't worth Roxy taking him under the ring either, but it happened."
Dean: "Yeah and apparently it was mind blowing sex and he took control. I'd really love to beat his ass senseless."
Jessica: "I don't blame you for that one at all. But you can't go all ape shit on his ass at work either."
Dean: "Yeah. Too many restrictions and witnesses."
Jessica: "Not to mention Corbin's family might say something to you."
Dean: "His family won't have to say anything. I owe it to him for trying to kill me with a forklift and many other backstage attacks."
Jessica: "Seriously? You're going to use work as a reason to take your anger out on Corbin."
Dean: "Anger? Please, this is old fashioned revenge. Back in the day I could just beat his ass until he bled and we'd be even. Now we have to drag it out week after week and create an intense crazy animosity instead and that's just all wonderful while he fucks my girl and smiles in my face."
Jessica: "Let me give you some reality checks here. First of all, I know your drunk and you won't remember any of this, but it has to be said. You're acting like a little bitch."
Dean: "She cheats on me and I'm being a bitch. You all have the same attitude about cheating. It's no big deal if it only happens once."
Jessica: "No. That's not how I feel at all about the subject. It's wrong no matter what because it hurts everyone involved. But you need to stop blaming Corbin for all this. He didn't start the flirting she did. He didn't invite her under the ring she invited him. This is all on Roxanne and her choices."
Dean: "You're right. It is all on Roxanne and her choices. It takes two to tango and Corbin wasn't standing their idol doing nothing. He wanted to be a part of this or he never would've agreed to go under that ring. He had control over his body and he chose to fuck her. He took her mask off and she hung it on the post. She knew it was time for the show and she knew that everyone would see the mask on the post and someone wanted her unmasked."
Jessica: "I wanted Rubber Girls mask not Roxy to fuck another man and lose you."
Dean: "She hasn't lost me. I'm still her man. She just had to prove to me why I should consider taking her back after that colossal betrayal of trust. Think about it like this if I fucked you or Renée she would hang me by my balls and beat me like a piñata at a birthday party. Then she'd hang you or other woman and beat them too."
Jessica: "You have an obsession with wanting me as the other woman."
Dean: "It's a hypothetical situation."
Jessica: "I know and if you're still Roxy's man why are you acting like the world is ending tomorrow?"
Dean: "Because my life as I know it is over. The trust between us will never be the same and she knows it."
