"Jules," Shawn said, softly shaking Juliet awake. He knew she hadn't slept well- all night he felt her tossing and turning, the movements so slow and calculated that he could tell she was in pain. He had even felt her get up twice to take more pain meds. He opened up the curtain to let the light fill up dark room. "Juliet," he tried again a little louder.
"Mmhm?" Juliet muttered turning over, then wincing with pain of the action. She was obviously still sore.
"Are you alright, Sweetheart?" Shawn asked, concerned.
"I'm fine," she murmured, voice still groggy from sleep. He didn't believe it for a second and he knew that as today carried on, it wouldn't get any better.
"Jules, we have to go in an hour, and you need to eat something," Shawn said to her. After opening the curtain he sat next to her on the bed and started stroking her hair. He was exhausted too. He had stayed up the better part of the night looking online for anything that might give him some sort of information on what to expect. He read all about side effects, schedules, something called adjunctive therapies, what to bring, what to eat… he knew more about breast cancer and chemotherapy than he ever thought he would.
"Okay," Juliet said, slowly sitting up and rotating so her legs were dangling off the side of the bed next to Shawn's. "Just give me a minute to get ready."
"Do you need any help?" Shawn asked, jumping up when Juliet started to stand up.
"No, I'm fine Shawn," Juliet said.
"Are you sure?"
"Shawn."
He knew she would take more than a minute, so Shawn headed to the kitchen to try take care of his girl in a different way.
It was 15 minutes later, Juliet finally walked into the kitchen wearing a thin, blue, long sleeve shirt and jeans. She was greeted with a table of oatmeal and berries, as well as juice, and about 10 bottles of water lined up on the counter.
"Shawn?" Juliet asked, taken aback by the display, "Did you do all this?"
"Just a little something in preparation for milady's big day!" Shawn said with a smile, pulling out a chair for her.
"Oh! You didn't have to do that! I could have made my own breakfast," Juliet said, gratefully taking a seat and waiting for Shawn to sit down at his spot next to her.
"Of course I did!" Shawn said. "Today is a big day for you, and I am going to make it as easy as possible."
"Well, thank you," Juliet said. She quietly started eating small bites while Shawn talked about what he had read the night before and what was in the packet about what to expect that they had given her yesterday.
Juliet couldn't help but smile at Shawn. He was taking such good care of her- making sure she was comfortable and making her breakfast (even though it was just that insta-hot stuff, it was still sweet).
"Nausea, fatigue, vomiting, appetite changes, weight change, hair loss…"
"Shawn," Juliet said, cutting him off. She had to stop him from continuing with the list of side effects that he had been reading. She was not ready to think about that yet. Like, actually think about them in a real way. She couldn't deal with the thought of all these potentials right now. "When did you have time to do all this?"
"I woke up early this morning to get ready!" Shawn said with a proud smile.
"You?" Juliet said with a little half-laugh, "Woke up early?"
"Yeah!" Shawn said. "Why does that surprise you so much?"
"When have you ever done something early?"
"I've done something early before!" Shawn protested.
"Name one."
"Uhh… well, there was that one time..."
"Right," she smirked before her tone changed seriously. "Well, we should go, shouldn't we?" Juliet asked, changing the subject. Not that she actually wanted to go, but the not knowing was killing her. She was usually okay with waiting, like she could make it through waiting for a stakeout just fine, but this was different. This was concerning her, and she was so anxious about it- she had stayed up practically all night tossing and turning, waiting for the sun to shine through the window.
"But you barely ate anything," Shawn said, motioning to her almost half eaten bowl.
"I'm not really that hungry."
"Will you please eat just a few more bites? For me?"
"Shawn, I'm a grown woman. I think I can take care of myself," Juliet said, but she still put two more small bites in her mouth before getting up from the table.
"Come on," Shawn said, clearing the table and picking the bag up from the counter.
"How are we going to get there?" Juliet said. "You hate driving my car."
"I'll figure it out."
"You have no problem driving Gus' car!" Juliet said with a laugh when Shawn finally got them into the hospital parking lot safely. "Why do you have so much trouble with mine?"
"Jules, you have a VW Beetle- I would hardly consider that a real car," Shawn said.
"Right. And Gus' Blueberry is?"
"Don't insult the Blueberry."
Hand in hand, the two made their way to the cancer center to check in. When they opened the door to the waiting room, cold air rushed over them, making Juliet's heart skip a beat. She subconsciously started walking slower, and her grip on Shawn's hand tightened. This was it. It was real, and it was really going to happen. She had been able to sort of distract herself through small talk with Shawn all morning, but now that they were actually there, there was no denying what was about to happen, and honestly, it was scaring the crap out of her. Don't show emotion, O'Hara. You are fine, Juliet said to herself, regaining her step and walking up to the secretary behind a counter.
"Name?" the secretary named Amy said to her with a bright smile.
"Juliet O'Hara."
"Oh! You are a bit early, but I will tell them you are here, and we will get you moving shortly," Amy said to her, motioning slightly to some chairs pushed against a wall.
"See," Shawn said, walking to sit down, "Told you I have been early."
"Yep," Juliet said, patting his arm, "That was all you."
"Ms. O'Hara?" a nurse said not even 2 minutes later.
"That's me," Juliet said, her and Shawn standing up to walk over.
"My name is Anna, and I am going to be helping you out today," she said, shaking Juliet's hand, followed by Shawn's. She led them into a big room with a bunch of huge chairs set up. There were women set up in the chairs spaced out around their room. They were working on their computers, talking to their friends, reading, anything that seemed to pass the time.
"You are going to be set up right here," Anna said. "So you can put your bag down right here for now, then we are going to come over here to take your height and weight, as well as a couple other tests."
From what Juliet could tell during the many tests, she was fine.
Height: 5'6"; Weight: 123 lbs.; Blood Pressure: 112/74; Temperature: 98.6…
"Now we just need to do a quick blood test so that we can get the baselines for your lab values. We need to make sure that you have enough blood cells and nutrients for your body to tolerate the chemo, and we need to see where they are today so that we can watch how your cells respond to the chemo over time."
"Right. Okay." Juliet sat back in the big blue chair next to the one she had left Shawn in earlier. Anna came back with a tray that had a needle and some thin vials with three different colored rubber stoppers on the top.
With ease, Anna tied a blue rubber tie around Juliet's arm, flicked the inside of her elbow twice, and slid the needle in, filling each of the vials with bright red blood.
"I'll send these to the lab, and then once I get the okay from them, you'll be good to start." She walked away, giving Shawn and Juliet a minute to sit back and take it all in.
Five silent minutes later, their thoughts were interrupted by Dr. Miles, who came over with a big binder and sat down next to them.
"Hello," he said, smiling and shaking both of their hands. "How are we feeling today?"
Shawn and Juliet looked at each other. Neither of them knew what to say.
"That's okay," he said. "The first day is always a little bit overwhelming. I just wanted to come over and give you some information and explain what'll be happening today."
He handed Juliet a big packet with lots of big words. She ran her fingers through it but then put it down. Too much to process at once.
"Today we are going to be starting you on a CMF polychemotherapy regimen. That is a combination of cyclophosphamide, methotrexate, and fluorouracil."
Juliet stared at him. She didn't know what language he was speaking, but it certainly wasn't English.
"It's okay that you don't know what that means," Dr. Miles said, giving them a knowing smile. "It's all written out for you in that packet. All you need to know for now is that it is a fairly common starter combination of chemotherapy and it works fairly well for first time patients."
They both nodded.
"Additionally, I want to give you these two prescriptions. The first one is for Ondansetron, which we will give you through your IV while you are getting chemo, and then we will give you some pills that you can take home to help with nausea." He handed her a slip of paper and a small bottle with enough for the next two days.
"Now, are you having any pain?"
"A little," Juliet said quietly, like she was afraid to admit it.
"That's totally normal. For now I am going to give you a prescription for Tylenol #3." Another slip of paper and small bottle.
"Having pain is a very normal part of what you're going through right now. But being in pain won't help you get better. So, if it gets worse, you need to talk to me so we can find what works for you."
Juliet nodded and reached out to grab Shawn's hand.
"Do you have any questions?"
They shook their heads.
"Well, I'll be making the rounds," he said, standing up. "Just ask and someone will find me. And good luck today." He walked away.
Shawn and Juliet sat in silence for another seven minutes, waiting for something to happen. Finally, Anna returned.
"Well, looks like you are all set," she said, looking through some papers on her clipboard. "And you got a port put in yesterday, so we don't have to give you an IV…"
Juliet felt like a little kid. She didn't know what to do, so she just sat and held Shawn's hand. It was so hard to believe that in a matter of weeks, she was going to get used to this. Pretty soon she was going to be able to walk in here and know exactly what she was supposed to do and where she was supposed to go, and what was going to happen next. But as for right now, she was lost. Their hands were still tightly intertwined, and with each passing second the anticipation caused them to squeeze each other's hands even tighter.
"Okay," Anna said. "So, we are just going to put this tube into your port, then you will get the medications through that so you don't have to do anything." She gave a smile as she walked away to a cabinet to get something.
"How're you doing?" Shawn asked Juliet.
"Oh, I'm fine," Juliet said with a smile. She could tell that Shawn was overwhelmed by the whole thing. He was staring at everything, and he had barely blinked in the last five minutes.
"Are you sure?" Shawn persisted, trying to get an answer he could work with.
"Shawn, I promise, everything is fine. All they have done so far is give me a few tests- I'm really okay."
Shawn was about to say something else, but Anna came back with a tube connected to a small syringe, and a stand with two bags of brightly colored liquids with big black warning labels hanging on it.
"So… what is that?" Juliet asked, trying her best to sound casual.
"The syringe is to prepare your veins for the chemo, this first bag here is the medications Dr. Miles told you about that help with side effects and stabilize your temperature and blood pressure throughout the drip, and this second bag here is the actual chemotherapy."
Shawn and Juliet just stared at the second bag while Juliet got poked with needles and fluids started running into the tiny clear tube looping to her chest. She stiffened as she swore she felt solid ice pour into her veins and suddenly spread throughout her body.
"If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask," Anna reassured patting the hand that was not secured in Shawn's. "The chemotherapy is room temperature, it will probably make your body heat drop. Since this is your first time we have it on a slow drip that will last approximately 3 hours." All of a sudden, Anna was gone, and she and Shawn were alone.
I am fine. This isn't even that bad! Juliet thought to herself. It doesn't hurt, it is just um… uncomfortable. Yeah, that's the word… uncomfortable.
"How you doing?" Shawn asked for the 17th time in the last 5 minutes.
"Shawn."
"Just let me do something to help you! I feel like I am just sitting here!"
"Shawn, I am fine."
"Please stop saying that Jules." It had been only about 20 minutes since it began, but she could tell he was already getting antsy.
"Well, I am sort of chilly. You know what the nurse said about it being room temperature." She shivered for added effect. She smiled as the look of concern and eagerness to help ran across Shawn's face.
"Oh! I can fix that!" Shawn said, practically jumping out of his seat. "I need to go get something in the car. I'll be right back!"
He ran off, leaving Juliet awkwardly sitting alone in her seat with tubes running out of her chest among other women in the same situation.
"Is this your first time?" a frail woman sitting in the big chair a few feet away from her asked. She had a pillow and a book on her lap and a rainbow bandana covering her head.
"Uh, yeah. How'd you know?" Juliet asked.
"Because you and your friend are walking around like deer in headlights," the woman said, smiling as Juliet blushed. "It's okay. We've all been there at some point or another."
"Does it get any easier?" Juliet asked. She knew the answer, but she just needed to hear someone say it.
"Yeah. Before you know it, you'll be a pro. You'll know what you are doing, and people will even know who you are," the woman said, sticking her hand out. "Holli."
"Juliet."
"Very nice to meet you," Holli said, smiling at her.
"Nice to meet you." Juliet wanted to ask her more questions, but she couldn't think of anything. Holli knew what to expect. She had been there many times before it seems, and Juliet felt like just talking to her would maybe make her feel better. She was about to say something else when she saw Shawn come running back through the doors carrying a huge bag.
"What is that?" Juliet asked him, laughing. It was in one of her big pink shopping bags from home, and Shawn looked absolutely ridiculous carrying it.
"It's your chemo bag!" Shawn said, sitting back down and placing the bag at her feet. "I packed a bunch of stuff for you to do to pass the time. And I brought your sweatshirt from Chief Vick."
"Shawn, I must say I am very impressed." Juliet smiled at him as he carefully draped the sweatshirt over her.
"Is that better, Sweetheart?" Shawn asked, tucking it around her and rubbing her arms to warm her up as well.
"Yes, much," Juliet said. She smiled at him as he proceeded to show her everything else in the bag.
The rest of chemo had gone smoothly that afternoon. Shawn and Juliet played a few card games until Shawn lost too many times. Then they watched two episodes of The Mentalist.
"We're home Sweetheart," Shawn said softly to Juliet, who had fallen asleep on the way home. He was surprised- Juliet had never been one for taking naps. In fact, in the almost 7 years that Shawn had known her, he was pretty sure she had never taken a nap.
"What?" Juliet said, straightening up in her seat. "Oh right. Okay." Shawn observed that her movements were sluggish, so he knew he had just enough time to speed out of his door and around to hers before she even had the chance to open it.
Arm around her waist, they slowly walked inside, and Shawn led Juliet straight to the couch. He carefully set her up with pillows and a blanket, then went to the kitchen to find a spot for the around 20 different orange bottles of pills that they had collected that morning with names that only Gus could have pronounced, or even read. There was a whole list of them with when to take them and how much.
"Hey Jules," Shawn said, looking through the fridge, "What do you want to eat?"
No answer.
"Jules?"
"Huh?" her muffled voice sounded through the living room. "What, Shawn?"
"The packets said it was important for you to eat, no matter how sick you feel."
"Oh, I'm really tired Shawn, you can just make something for yourself."
"Jules, will you please eat something?" Shawn said. He was starting to get worried about Juliet. One day in and she was barely taking care of herself properly, and it was scaring him. It was frustrating to him that she was trying to act like nothing was wrong all day, when there was something big wrong, and he was really starting to get afraid for when she broke. He was an expert on hiding emotions, and he didn't want Juliet to lose it like he had in the past.
"I'll just have some toast then," she said quietly. Shawn shook his head. It was hardly the kind of food he was talking about, but he obliged, because he knew she would eat nothing else. He set it up on a tray with some peanut butter and a glass of water to keep her hydrated before returning to the living room.
He wasn't even surprised when he found her out cold, face buried into the pillow. Without another word he set the tray down and ran his hands through his hair before lifting her gently and sitting down so her head was in his lap.
"Nausea, fatigue, vomiting, appetite changes, weight change, hair loss…"
His own words repeated in his head before he took in the sight of his girlfriend. Right now, she looked like Jules, just tired, but who knows what she would look like in a few weeks; so while he still had the chance, he rhythmically stroked her hair, lulling her into a deeper sleep.
