Author's notes: So, as you may already know, I uploaded this chapter in french more than a month ago, but then I was away for a few weeks so I couldn't translate it. Now I'm back, but this chapter is so freakishly long it took me ages to translate it (okay not ages, but like almost two weeks). Also my betareader found some free time to proofread this monster, so I'm quite happy with the result!

Thank you all for your patience, support and nice comments!

Enjoy!

oOo


On my rounds [[LIVE]]

Sometimes, real life obligations get in the way of your video viewing on Youtube. Perhaps you had a night out with your friends and came home late. Perhaps you had some urgent homework to do for school. Perhaps you were watching a movie with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Perhaps you had some Wifi issues, or perhaps you just didn't turn on the notification bell. Whatever the reason, the fact is it's almost midnight when you eventually click on Mumen Rider's live video.

When did this livestream even start? You have no idea, but as a fan it's a relief you didn't entirely miss that boat. Mumen Rider's live videos are precious, they make you feel like you're sharing a special moment with him, partly because he almost never rebroadcasts them, and when he does, he reduces them to the few minutes where something happened.

The first thing you see is Mumen's hand collecting an empty plastic bottle from the sidewalk. The video is dark and split in two: the main camera fixed to the young Youtuber's helmet is filming his point of view, while another one fixed to some kind of selfie stick is filming his face, framing it in the screen's top left corner. More specifically, all you can see is his mouth, chin and nose, since his eyes are veiled by his helmet's visor as usual. This is new, but you're not surprised. In a FAQ video a few days earlier, Mumen Rider has read his fans' requests and some of them wanted to see his facial reactions during his rounds, and he has promised he would buy the equipment to do so.

Anyway, you're watching him pick up the bottle and smile softly.

"Some have complained about my daily city rounds being too long and boring because hardly anything ever happens. I'm sorry if my subscribers are bored, but I'm seeing things differently. If you ask me, it gives me hope."

He turns his head to look around, showing you a quiet street. It's night, but the street lamps, a Seven Eleven's shop window and a few drink vending machines here and there are pouring artificial light onto the pavement.

"… Because if nothing happens, it means that things are not so bad after all, that there's more good than evil in this world."

Leading his bike with a hand on the handlebar, he's walking towards the trash cans lined up in front of the combini, and shows the bottle to the camera.

"I know collecting garbage on the ground to throw it in the trash can is not as thrilling as my weekly Faith in Humanity Restored compilations, or good deeds like rescuing a cat stuck on a tree or making groceries for an elderly person, but… Recycling participation too is a good thing."

As to prove it, he dumps the bottle into the appropriate recycling trash can.

"Everyone in their own way can make a difference and make this world better. But you're right about one thing, and I've been reading very carefully every suggestion you've been sending me. It is true I have a lot more subscribers now and I'm starting to become somewhat famous since Fubuki mentioned my channel on her video. I shouldn't be complacent and limit myself to what is mostly just basic decency. I should use this new found popularity to have a greater impact and make good deeds at a higher level."

He gets on his bicycle and starts pedaling at a leisurely pace, on the lookout for another good deed to accomplish.

"I've been thinking quite a lot lately, and I've been inspired by Genos' courage when he deleted his channel to take a whole new turn, and by Saitama who didn't break under all the hate and fame that suddenly crashed on him, and instead made something positive out of it. I want to be useful. I want to help people in distress and in need all around the world. I meant to announce it officially in a video soon, but…"

A serene smile grazes his lips and the street lamps cast light and moving shadows on his face. Zigzagging on the sidewalk, we can see closed metal shutters, a bar about to shut, a group of half-drunk coworkers stumbling around arm in arm, trying to hail a taxi.

"… I can tell you in preview: I intend to commit myself more directly in humanitarian work. In addition to making donations, I will become a volunteer and draw the Internet's attention to the hard work charitable associations are accomplishing. I already found sponsors willing to support me in…"

A woman's scream cuts him short, and he brakes so abruptly the cameras jolt.

"I hear someone calling for help!" he says, peering into the night around. "Did you hear it too?"

Another cry for help, louder:

"Let me go! Leave me alone!"

Mumen Rider snaps his head towards a dark alley, jaw clenching and face hardening.

"It came from over there! Someone needs help! Quick!"

He promptly starts pedaling and crosses the street like an avenging angel, rushing into the alley without any hesitation at all. There, in the flickering light of a vending machine, three men are surrounding a scared woman, grabbing her wrist to stop her from running away. Mumen skids to a halt right in front of them, interrupting the scene.

"Let go of her right now or you will answer to me!"

The three thugs turn their head to glare at the Youtuber.

"This is none of your business, shorty," one of them grunts, flexing his muscles threateningly. "Get the fuck out of here before we beat your face off."

All three of them are about a foot taller than him, and they're cracking their knuckles threateningly. Speechless, the woman still held captive by the wrist is staring at Mumen with wide and teary eyes. She looks terrified and the angry red mark on her cheek means that she's just been hit in the face. Not impressed in the slightest, Mumen gets off his bike, leans it against the wall, and with the confidence of a hero, takes a step towards the molesters.

"Leave her alone or I will make you sorry! I won't say it twice!"

The thugs share a look and burst out laughing. They seem to forget about their victim and release her to surround Mumen.

"You got a death wish or something?"

The young Youtuber presses his lips together and raises his fists into a defensive position, ready to fight.

"I didn't want it to come to this, but you're giving me no other choice. I won't let you hurt this young lady!"

"Looks like you really want us to beat the crap out of you. Don't say you didn't ask for it."

The first punch hits Mumen so violently in the face he collapses to the ground like a rag doll. Because of the shock, the camera's screen is cracked and the image is blurry – there's blood flowing from his nose, and red droplets splattered on the sidewalk.

"Run away while they're focused on me!" Mumen yells at the terrified woman. "Go now! Go get somewhere safe!"

She hesitates, tears rolling down her face, and she eventually runs away as fast as her legs can carry her.

The vending machine's flickering light is casting the three bullies' shadows on Mumen who scrambles to his feet and tries bravely to defend himself. A large hand grabs him by the collar, picking him up off the ground.

Clear view of the snarling face of one of the thugs, raising his fist.

The livestream stops abruptly when the punch hits Mumen's face with so much force the cameras are destroyed.


WORST FEAR EVER IN A HAUNTED PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL [42 minutes 55 seconds]

Aerial view – probably filmed by a drone – of a building isolated in the woods. The images are jerky and the ominous music sounds straight up from a horror movie. Music intensifies, and now you're looking at the inside of the building falling into ruins, and the camera zooms on a doll dressed in a kimono, staring at you with a creepy smile.

"Guys, I heard something…"

Change of scenery, you're hearing a ragged breath. The camera is shaking, like the one holding it is running.

"Oh shit, it moved! Let's get the hell out of here, now!"

Metal Bat's face in close-up and low-angle shot. He glances at his right, then his left, looking terrified. You can see him swallowing.

"Anybody there? Show yourself! It's not funny anymore!"

His hand tightens around his metal bat.

Black screen. A scream of absolute terror.

Infrared camera's night vision paints Saitama and Genos in green – they share a tense look.

"I think we're not alone" Saitama whispers, showing his EMF device whose little diodes are flashing frenzily.

The nerve-racking music stops, and now the camera is showing a forest in the night, and a hard rain lit up by a flashlight. The camera shifts to Metal Bat who's filming himself at arm's length. Behind him, Saitama and Genos are holding flashlights and carrying backpacks. All three of them are wearing raincoats with a hood to shield them from the downpour.

"Hello everybody, and welcome to this new Urbex with my guests Saitama and Genos!" Metal Bat beams at the camera.

Saitama merely waves in greetings, his face blank.

You notice that Metal Bat has brought his lucky bat as usual – it seems he strapped it on his back, you can see the handle poking out behind his shoulder.

"For those who have seen the video, you know I already did some Urban Exploration not so long ago with Saitama and Genos to visit an old shamisen factory that's been abandoned for ten years. But this time, I'm trying something I've never done before. The place we're gonna visit tonight used to be a psychiatric hospital. Not only it's been abandoned for like forty years and is isolated from civilization, but it's renowned for being haunted. In this area, no one dares wandering around in the forest, let alone at night. And yet the three of us are gonna spend the entire night here and try to establish contact with ghosts…"

Saitama points at the heavy backpacks they're carrying.

"Yeah, Genos bought all the equipment to detect their presence and stuff. Can we go, now? I'm getting water inside my shoes."

Metal Bat nods and motions them to follow him.

"Let's go then! The psychiatric hospital is in this direction, we're almost there. As you can see, this place is so weed-infested we couldn't drive there, so we've been walking for about half an hour."

"I think no one's been there for at least twenty years," Genos says gravely and lights up the trees surrounding them. "It kind of reminds me of some countries in South-East Asia I explored when I was running my travel channel."

"It does look tropical around here," Saitama narrows his eyes and tilts his head up, letting the rain pour on his face. "It's almost midnight but I'm burning up."

From what their flashlights are lighting up, the trees indeed look almost tropical. The sound is saturated because of the rain, but you can hear the plitsh plitsh of their footsteps on the mud.

"Oh right," Metal Bat strides over a thick root slithering on the ground. "I should've told y'all we're on South Japan for this video. I borrowed my mom's car and Genos drove all the way down since I'm still underage."

A gloomy building is starting to loom behind the trees. The very same one you saw in the beginning of the video.

"I'm starting to get quite popular internationally thanks to my fans who caption my videos with english, spanish and french subtitles – by the way thanks folks, you rock – so I'll explain to any foreigner watching this video why there are so many abandoned buildings here in Japan. This is due to population aging and rural exodus, so it's basically Urbex Heaven here. But if I picked this remote place rather difficult to access, it's because no Youtuber has explored it yet as far as I know, and this hospital's history will send shivers up your spine…"

With a rustling of ferns, they finally reach the building. Weirdly enough, the architecture is in a western style, built with stones and invaded by vegetation. Also, it looks like a tree grew into the structure itself.

"From what I've been told by people around here," Metal Bat raises his voice to be heard through the heavy rain, "it was initially a secret church built by some Japanese followers of the first Jesuits to walk this land. When christianity was prohibited, this land's daimyo found out about this church and slaughtered everyone. There was a cross on top of the building back then, but it has been destroyed."

He points his flashlight at the building. Indeed, it is obvious some parts have been destroyed, and others added.

"For a while, the place was left for hermits and miserable ronins to squat, before it was renovated and a second and third floors were added to become a psychiatric hospital where japanese novice doctors studied dutch medicine and practiced on mentally ill people to try to cure them. There are many horrifying stories of trepanning and other treatments that often killed the patients instead of curing them. Not counting the rumors saying that the poor bastards were used as guinea pigs for the young doctors training themselves to do surgery… without anesthesia, of course."

Saitama blinks, watching at the wind rushing into the entrance.

"Wow. That's creepy."

"I know, right? The hospital has been shut down after a cholera outbreak that wiped out patients and doctors alike. You'd think the story ends here, but there's more. Forty years ago, a cannibal serial killer kidnapped women to bring them here and eat their flesh. People say their skeletons are still buried somewhere around here, 'cause they never found them, and their ghosts are still wandering about to find their killer and get their revenge. People told me they're blind and kill whoever dares stepping inside…"

"Cool."

Saitama doesn't look very impressed. But then, his face is so blank it's kind of hard to tell what's really going on in his head. Maybe he's just tired, after such a long roadtrip and then walking in the rain carrying a heavy backpack.

"It's midnight," Metal Bat looks straight into the camera. "We're all alone in the middle of nowhere, and we're gonna spend the six next hours in this abandoned hospital, we will sleep in there in our sleeping bags and try to communicate with ghosts. Let's get inside!"

They walk into the building, where the atmosphere is quite different. The silence is so thick you can barely hear the rain pouring outside, as if it came from another world. They push their hood back and look around, directing their beams of light at the oozing walls. Here, nature has reasserted itself, vegetation growing wildly on the ground and through the cracks in the walls. There are some pieces of furniture and wooden doors, but they're all rotten and in poor condition.

"I've never tried to communicate with spirits before," Metal Bat says as he moves his flashlight, "but a Youtuber friend who knows his stuff gave me some advice. Apparently we have to announce ourselves when we enter their house. It's more polite, and it avoids angering them. I think this is the moment you take out you EMF meters, guys."

"Ok."

Saitama and Genos open their bags and take their electronic devices out. Metal Bat zooms on the EMF readers, and you can see the tiny diodes lined up from green to red – they're all off.

"If you're not familiar with this stuff already," Metal Bat points at the EMF meters, "these devices detect electromagnetic fields ghosts are composed of. If a spirit comes near us, the diodes will light up. Okay, now who wants to announce our presence to the ghosts?"

Saitama playfully nudges Genos.

"Come on, Genos, do it. Introduce us to the ghosts."

"Very well. To be perfectly honest, I don't believe in ghosts or anything supernatural, but I will do it for you, Saitama-sensei."

Genos clears his throat and steps forward solemnly.

"If there is anyone here with us tonight, alive or dead, please forgive us for intruding onto your home. Our names are, Saitama, Genos and Metal Bat, and we are here to establish a contact with you. We have electronic devices that allow us to communicate with you. So if you have anything you want to tell us, just come closer. We are ready to listen to you."

"Whoa, you're doing great, Genos. You've already done ghost hunting before or something?"

Metal Bat is the one who asked the question, but Genos turns to Saitama to answer, dead serious.

"No, but I've been watching quite a few ghost hunting videos. In most cases, the paranormal phenomenons are just some dust flying in the air, a bat or some other kind of scared wild animal running away, a homeless person living there and trying to make the intruders leave, or just a scam set up by the Youtuber themself to get more views, or by their friends as a stupid joke. There is nothing to fear. Ghosts are not real."

Saitama shrugs absently.

"That's what you think. There's no way to be 100% sure until we're dead."

Genos raises his eyebrows. He suddenly looks fascinated and stares intensely at Saitama as if he's trying to analyze and mentally dissect him.

"I didn't know you believe in ghosts, Saitama-sensei."

"Well, it's not exactly that I believe in them. I'm just saying, you never know."

Genos gawks at him, obviously very impressed and struck dumb with admiration.

"I see. What you're saying is that you're not pretending to know better than anyone else or regarding other people's beliefs as inferior or stupid like I just did. I realize now I spoke in patronizing tones in dismissing what I personally don't believe in. Your wisdom will never ceases to amaze me. I still have so much to learn from you!"

Metal Bat flips his camera around to film his own face, rolling his eyes.

"Just call me when the both of you are done flirting so we can start exploring and setting the cameras." His upper lip curls up scornfully and he adds: "Anyway, no risk of a scam in this video, it's guaranteed scam-free, on my word. I ain't some kind of douche who cheats to get more views, you know me, guys. And to be sure no one's gonna try framing me, I told no one where I was going, not even my family."

Saitama glances at the camera.

"So basically if anything happens, no one will come looking for us here?"

"Exactly!" Metal Bat grins and walks straight to what probably used to be the secret church's altar. "I think this is a good spot to put a camera. According to my sources, the Jesuit disciples have been killed here."

Genos complies and brings a camera on a tripod and put it on the stone altar. A tiny video appears in a corner of the screen, filming the dark hall and entrance.

"This camera activates automatically at any movement in its viewing angle. We'll only now afterwards when I watch the recordings if anything happened while we were exploring the rest of the hospital."

Saitama lets out a whistle.

"Must have cost a fuckton of cash. We gotta hunt for more ghosts to make it worthwhile, Genos."

"Of course, whatever makes you happy, sensei!"

While his friends finish setting the camera, Metal Bat fixes his GoPro on his forehead and steps into an adjoining room. As if you could watch through his eyes, you see his hand holding the flashlight freeze.

"Holy shit guys, you gotta see this!"

The light beam is lighting up a doll dressed in a kimono whose colors seem to have faded. She's sitting on an indentation in the wall, and her unblinking stare is directed right at you.

You hear sounds of footsteps coming closer, and the camera shifts to Saitama and Genos – they too are looking at the doll now.

"Why the fuck is there a doll here?"

"Maybe it belonged to a patient in the psychiatric hospital?"

"No way, it's not that old."

"Or it could be the serial killer's doll, from forty years ago…"

Water is oozing from the ceiling and dripping down with a plic ploc kind of sound.

"I don't like the way she's looking at me," Metal Bat mumbles. "She's freaking me out. Dolls are fucking scary, I can't even walk into my little sister's bedroom without fearing one of her creepy dolls is gonna stab me in the back the second I look away…"

He flinches and his eyes dart towards a door completely rotten and eaten by woodworms.

"Guys, I heard something…"

The video pauses just when he zooms dramatically on the doll still staring at him, and you hear Metal Bat's voice commenting:

« When I started editing this video, I listened very carefully but couldn't hear anything out of the ordinary. But I swear that even if Genos and Saitama didn't, I clearly heard a little girl laughing in the distance… I don't know if it was the rain, the wind, a wild animal somewhere in the hospital, my imagination, or a manifestation of a supernatural power… I guess I'll never know. »

The video continues.

"I heard a little girl laughing!"

"I haven't heard anything," Genos frowns sceptically.

"I ain't shitting you, I heard laughing!" Metal Bat insists in a high-pitched voice.

"Is there anybody here?" Saitama calls out and then looks around, holding his flashlight limply.

No answer. He shares a look with Genos.

"There's no one there, Metal Bat. We better keep exploring and setting up all the cameras before we find a dry spot to spend the night and summon the spirits."

"Yeah, you're right…"

Metal Bat throws one last glance at the doll and then pushes the worm-eaten door open. Behind, is a narrow and dark corridor. The beam of light pierces into the darkness, revealing broken chairs, a rusty wheelchair and overturned hospital beds blocking the way…

His flashlight crackles, flickers and the light dies out.

Metal Bat sucks in a panicked breath. He swears loudly and hits his flashlight, making it light up again.

"Okay, so I think that's the patients' rooms over there… Check that, there's even one sealed up…"

He films a closed door with planks nailed on it. It only says on the sign: DANGER DO NOT ENTER.

"Well, that's reassuring, right?" he chuckles at his guests, and it looks like he's trying a bit too hard to show he's not afraid.

They decide to set another camera in this corridor, then move forward, climbing a worm-eaten staircase that somehow doesn't collapse under their weight. Once they're finally upstairs, the video pauses again, and Metal Bat's voice speaks over the ominous music.

« The stories about this place already kinda crept me out, but that was nothing compared to what we saw upstairs. I wish I could unsee it, but it's carved into my mind forever… »

"Uh…" Saitama says. "I think some local weirdos had a fun time in here…"

Metal Bat steps forward and snatches his GoPro from his forehead to show you the room from all angles. There is a table covered with a white sheet, and on top of it, yet another doll quite similar to the one they saw earlier is lying on her back, a dagger plunged into her heart. She's surrounded by black candles that have been extinguished, and a pentagram has been drawn on the sheet with some kind of dark liquid that looks suspiciously like blood.

Metal Bat's face appears in close-up with Genos and Saitama right behind him.

"We'd better leave. If those creeps are still around…"

Unfazed, Genos runs his eyes over the table.

"Judging by the layer of dust on the sheet I think they're long gone. I suggest we keep going."

They walk through another corridor and explore many rooms in ruins before they reach the broken part of the building where the tree has grown right in the middle. There is no ceiling. The wind is howling like a wraith and a hard rain is falling down on them. Metal Bat's hand brushes against the tree trunk.

"We can't stay here!" he yells down at the camera. "The storm's getting worse, it's almost two in the morning and we're tired! We placed cameras all around the hospital, so now we just need to go somewhere dry to communicate with the spirits!"

As he speaks, one of the automatic cameras switches on in a corner of the screen, and a big red arrow flashes to draw your attention to it.

The video pauses, and a replay starts, commented by Metal Bat's calm voice:

« I only saw it afterwards when I reviewed the recordings, but during our exploration, two cameras switched on almost at the same moment. The one in the corridor, where the wheelchair started rolling on its own until it hit the wall. And the one on the altar, for no apparent reason. The wheelchair moving can be explained by the wind: the storm was violent, and a gust of wind might have pushed it. But I have no rational explanation for the other camera. I'll just let you draw your own conclusions! »

They rush away from the downpour and enter another wing of the building that is definitely bigger than it looks like. The secret church probably was about one third of the whole thing, and everything else has been built around it when it became a hospital.

But as they walk into a corridor, they freeze right in the middle when they hear a loud cracking sound… Metal Bat goes pale and looks down, filming their feet. The floor underneath is made of damp wood about to collapse under their weight…

"We forgot the number one rule for Urbex," Metal Bat whispers… "Watch where you put your feet."

"D'ya think the ghosts of those women murdered by the cannibal are trying to kill us?" Saitama asks as if he was talking about the weather. "Maybe that's how they do it, they make people fall."

"You're not helping, dude!"

Metal Bat is still filming himself from below when he grabs his bat with a shaking hand. He glances at his right, then at his left, growing uneasy.

"Anybody there? Show yourself! It's not funny anymore!"

His hand tightens around his metal bat, and he takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

"There's no one here," he tries to reason himself out loud. "The floor is rotten, s'all, nothing supernatural about that. If we walk very carefully we should…"

Another cracking sound, and Saitama grabs Genos and yanks him sharply to him as the floor collapses just where he stood, saving him from falling right through the hole. Snuggled up against his sensei's chest, Genos holds his breath and turns bright red, frozen to the spot.

Saitama doesn't notice Genos' turmoil and looks down at the gaping hole in the spot where Genos was standing a few seconds earlier.

"Phew. That was close. A lil' bit more and we'd have lost ya, Genos."

"You saved my life, Saitama-sensei!"

"NOW IS NOT THE MOMENT TO FLIRT!" Metal Bat bursts out, yielding to panic. "WE'RE STUCK IN A CORRIDOR ABOUT TWENTY FEET ABOVE THE GROUND AND WE MIGHT FALL DOWN AT ANY MOMENT!"

Metal Bat is breathing heavily and he grits his teeth as he steps forward very carefully.

"Walk slowly so the floor doesn't collapse…"

The floor cracks even louder, and suddenly it's sagging under their weight.

"Oh shit, it moved! Let's get the hell out of here, now!"

The camera's shaking all around, but you can somehow see that they're running like mad to the staircase where the floor is more stable. Metal Bat leans back against the damp wall, clutching at his chest with his hand.

"Now I understand what heroes in movies or video games feel when a bridge breaks under their feet and they have to run for their lives…"

And then, all of a sudden, the GoPro camera goes out, and we hear Metal Bat screaming with fear. Black out.

The Youtuber's voice rises again to comment the scene:

« Yet I had put brand new batteries in my Go Pro the very same day. I don't know why it just turned off on its own, but I have to admit it scared the shit out of me, especially since my flashlight died on me at the exact same moment. I know you're probably laughing at me in front of your screen 'cause I screamed like a little girl for nothing, but if you were in my shoes you'd have shit yourselves! Anyway, how can I explain this phenomenon: a simple coincidence? Could the rain have messed up the technology? I kinda doubt that, this ain't the first time I've filmed when it's raining and I've never had this kind of problem before… Whatever actually happened, good thing I had brought an infrared camera, so I could keep filming. »

When the image comes back, it's only in shades of green, black and white. They are standing in a room where one of the automatic cameras is set in.

"So, my GoPro's batteries are dead, it's gonna be a bit hard continuing this video… We're back on the ground floor to avoid other problems. We'll just invoke spirits there, and then we're out. On second thought we won't stay the whole night here, I'm soaked to the skin and I'd rather not catch a pneumonia or something. It was too hot outside, but inside the building it's abnormally cold…"

"Hey, Metal Bat…"

Saitama and Genos share a look.

"I think we're not alone…" Saitama whispers, showing his EMF meter to the camera – the tiny diodes are all switched on and flashing like crazy.

The ominous music increases dramatically, bringing the tension at its peak. The camera zooms on Saitama's EMF device, then on Genos' that starts flashing too.

Pause.

Metal Bat's voice.

« At this moment, I was scared to death and I really thought that there was a ghost here, ready to kill us all… But for once, I do have a logical explanation for this phenomenon. Just watch… »

The video resumes. A mobile phone is ringing, and the three Youtubers relax.

"Ah shit," Metal Bat shoves his camera in Genos' hands to search into his pocket. "It's my phone, the EMF meter's just picking up waves…"

Saitama stares at him aghast.

"You didn't turn it off?"

"I couldn't possibly know there'd be a signal here in the middle of nowhere, or that someone would try to call me at two in the fucking morning!" Metal Bat snaps back, pressing his phone against his ear. "Yeah who's there?"

A muffled woman's voice comes out of the phone, and the young Youtuber pulls a face and whispers to the camera:

"Crap, it's my mom… Stop yelling, mom, I'm not deaf! Yeah, I'm the one who took your car… Yeah I know, I should've asked, sorry… Where I am? Huh, somewhere down south, but don't worry, I'll be back home tomorrow! Ahhh I said stop shouting! Well duh, of course it's for Youtube! It's a real job, y'know! I make as much money than you and dad combined, so stop nagging me, I know what I'm doing!"

"Wow, textbook rebellious teen…" Saitama says to Genos who's holding the camera. "Except leaving home as soon as I came of age, I've never had a teenage crisis. To be fair, I rarely saw my dad anyway, he was always working. Did you have a teenage crisis, Genos?"

"But mooooooooooom stop screaming!" Metal Bat turns his back on the camera. "I told you it's for Youtube! My subscribers want new videos, you don't understand, that's how it works! Alright, alright, I'm sorry I worried you! There, happy now?"

While the phone conversation carries as a background noise, Genos smiles softly at Saitama.

"I left home at sixteen to travel around the world and create my Youtube travel channel, and my parents supported me even though they were worried. Since I posted a video online every day they always knew where I was and what I was doing, it reassured them. They've never quite understood, but I appreciate them trying."

"Cool."

Metal Bat suddenly grows silent in the background, so Genos turns the camera in his direction. Phone still glued to his ear, the young Youtuber is frowning.

"Wait, say that again. What happened to him? Ah. Alright. I see. Thanks for telling me, mom. Yes, I'll come home tomorrow, don't worry. Goodnight."

He hangs up, face darkening as he slowly lowers his phone.

"What's wrong?" Saitama asks. "You got a weird look on your face."

"You guys know my mother's a nurse, right?"

"Uh, yeah?"

Metal Bat looks up, eyes burning with cold rage.

"She just told me Mumen Rider's been admitted into the E.R. a few hours ago. He's been beaten up by some assholes who hit him so hard he's fighting for his life now. Come on, guys. Let's get all the gear back and leave right now. If we drive fast enough we should arrive at the hospital at sunrise to see him."

The video stops, and now we're back to the present, which is Metal Bat filming himself in his bedroom. He's sitting askew on his chair with a leg folded, whirling his bat.

"I wasn't going to post this video. But Mumen Rider is no longer in a life-threatening condition and he just came out of coma so I decided to do it, with his consent. Now, I want all of you to send nice messages to Mumen Rider for his recovery. That guy is too good and too pure for this shitty world, and if I find the bastards who did this to him…"

Instead of finishing his sentence, he just wields his bat threateningly.

"Anyway. I'll see you in the next video, guys."


Live FAQ [[LIVE]]

As is often the case on Saitama's Youtube channel, the video starts right away, with no frills. No opening, no introduction, no music, no presentation. Just his face and shoulders, his blank stare, and the hand he raises limply as greetings.

"Hi guys."

Behind him, a white wall. It looks like he's sitting. And if you listen closely, you hear footsteps and muffled conversations as a background sound.

Saitama slowly blinks and scratches his cheek like he's searching for words.

"Since Genos started doing it for me, I kinda forgot how to present my own videos myself. So, huh… There, I'm in the hospital."

As if to prove it, he turns the camera (more like a smartphone actually) and films too quickly a generic hospital's corridor. You barely catch a glimpse of a few nurses walking and a patient in a wheelchair before Saitama's face invades the screen once again. The neon lights are reflected on his bald skull like in a mirror.

"Mumen Rider's been bedridden for a week now. I'm sure you guys already know he's been mugged during one of his good deeds rounds. He came out of his coma three days ago. I'm paying him a visit to keep him company. And I'm bringing him this."

The camera shakes when he bends to take a clear plastic bag from the ground between his feet, and holds it up to show it to you all. You can see it contains bananas.

"They were on special offer. It's full of potassium, I thought it'd be good for him. I've been here for ten minutes and they told me to wait so to pass the time I read some of their leaflets about proteins, vitamins, and stuff. It's good to know, maybe I should make a video about that some day…"

He seems thoughtful for a moment, staring in the distance. Then he looks down at the camera again.

"And since I've nothing left to read and I'm bored to death, I thought I'd use that time to livestream and answer your questions, since you guys like that kind of stuff. Anyway, I don't even know if you'd still be interested if Genos is not there…"

Judging by the jerky way his eyes are moving, he's reading the online chatroom where subscribers are logging in.

"Ah, looks like y'all have questions. Let's start with roleout245 who says « Saitama you're such a big MOOD. please give us some tips how to handle haters as cool as you ». Thanks, roleout245, I'm happy to be a mood. As for haters, well…"

He ponders about it for a moment, frowning.

"I dunno, I don't have any advice to give. I never thought about it to be honest. Haters just don't get to me, 'cause I don't give a shit about them and their opinion. And when haters lash at other people online and I come to destroy them… I see clearly through their words how ridiculous, stupid and immature they are. I don't like writing too many words and arguing endlessly, mainly 'cause typing is a pain in the ass. So I limit myself to twenty words top to crush them. The shorter the better."

On the screen's side, a sixty years old man walks in and sits next to Saitama, throwing him a sidelong glance. Judging by his face, it's clear he's thinking young people are obsessed by their smartphones and that things were better back when people talked to each other, or something along these lines. Whatever it is, Saitama doesn't seem to notice the old man's stare, and he reads out loud another question:

"Bomberguy789 tells me that since I called Amai Mask out I better be prepared for the hopeless fangirls. Yeah, I know, I already got a bunch of hatemails. Those girls are weird tho. I wonder if they realize Amai Mask doesn't give a flying rat's ass that they defend his honor on the Internet? Or maybe they think he'll just instantly fall in love with them 'cause they sent me death threats?"

He shrugs.

"Meh. Who cares anyway. Next question from…"

He doesn't get a chance to actually read the question – you hear a door opening and the voice of a nurse off camera:

"Sir? You can come in now, your friend is waiting for you."

"Ah. Thanks."

Saitama gets up, holding his bag of bananas, and filming himself at arm's length.

"Sorry guys, I thought I had more time to answer your questions. I have to go see Mumen Rider. See ya in the next video. Bye."

His finger moves closer to interrupt the livestream, but he stops and blinks as he reads the reactions flowing into the live chatroom.

"You want me to keep livestreaming so you get to see Mumen too? Huh…"

He scratches his cheek, looking vaguely hesitant.

"If Mumen's okay with being filmed, why not. Wait a sec, I'll ask him."

Saitama's face disappears, and the camera is directed on his hand turning the door's handle, then on his feet stepping on the hospital room's spotless floor.

Throughout the following dialog, all you get to see is Saitama's toes – he's wearing flip-flops and bermuda shorts, a tad too casual for a hospital visit.

"Hey, hi Mumen."

"Hi Saitama! It's so nice to see you again!"

"Same. Here, I brought you bananas."

"That's so sweet, but you shouldn't have, you know! Genos and you already brought me clementines yesterday, and mangas the day before… I don't need presents, I'm touched enough you come to visit me every day…"

"It's nothing, just stuff I bought on sale. How you feelin'?"

"Way better, thanks to the nurses' kindness and my fans' messages of encouragement. The Youtube community is amazing, like a big family."

"Cool. Wait, let me peel your banana for you, I forgot you can't move your arms."

"Thank you. Hey, Genos is not with you today?"

"No, he had stuff to do. Something to do with tv I think, but he didn't tell me what exactly. Ah by the way, Mumen. Right now I'm live on Youtube with my subscribers, and they want to see you. You okay to be filmed in this state, or you'd rather wait til' you recover completely?"

"No problem, I would be delighted to meet your subscribers, Saitama!"

"Ok."

The camera finally moves up, and now you can see the hospital bed on which Mumen Rider is lying. His body is almost entirely in plaster, and one of his legs is suspended in the air. If you were hoping you would get to see his face at last – in his videos he's always hiding it under his helmet or behind sunglasses or a scarf – well… you won't. His head is wrapped in a capeline bandage, his neck and chin are engulfed by plaster, and his nose is covered in bandages. His forearms are in a cast too, so indeed there's no way he could peel a banana on his own.

Even so, his eyes are smiling and he's radiating joy and kindness as he always does.

His bed is surrounded by bunches of flowers, multicolored balloons and cards wishing him a speedy recovery. And on his belly, Saitama's plastic bag full of bananas.

"Hello everybody!" Mumen smiles at the camera and tries to move his hand in greeting, but to no avail. "I hope you're all doing great! Don't worry about me, the doctors say I'll be back on my feet in a few months. I will update new videos as soon as I can to catch up the delay…"

Saitama sits down on the edge of the bed and holds out the peeled banana to Mumen so he can take a bite. He's still filming the both of them at arm's length.

"My subscribers say you need to rest and the videos can wait," Saitama says as he glances at the live chatroom. "Y'know you're a hero now?"

Mumen swallows his mouthful of banana and smiles bashfully.

"I'm not sure losing a fight and ending up in the hospital is so heroic… but at least, my action allowed the young woman to escape from her assailants. That's the only thing that matters. I'm just disappointed to be stuck here for so long and not be able to help people and carry on my good deeds… I don't like feeling useless."

"Don't say that. Here, eat your banana."

Mumen obeys and takes another bite, munching thoughtfully.

"The good thing about being motionless all day long is that I have plenty of time to think about what I plan to do next. I would like to bring my channel to the next level. Daily good deeds in my neighborhood and compilations of videos to restore faith in humanity are nice, but I'd like to help people on a larger scale… I already did some charity fund raising in the past, but now I think I will join a NGO and film everything to encourage my subscribers to help out or join too. And I have so many more ideas…"

Saitama patiently holds the fruit until Mumen finishes eating it, then he drops the banana skin in the bin.

"Like what?"

Mumen's eyes sparkle enthusiastically. Suddenly the screen moves and Saitama's fingers block the view. When they withdraw, the angle is different. You figure out he put the phone on the suspended casted leg to provide an overview of them without having to hold the camera himself.

"I was thinking about scuba diving to clean the rivers, lakes and seasides from all the garbage polluting them. I'd like to create some sort of depression helpline that would send a volunteer directly at home or chat online or by video conference with people who feel lonely or in distress and need immediate moral support…"

Saitama's face lights up at those words that clearly piqued his interest.

"Nice idea. If you need any help to make it happen, just ask me. Since I've been crashing at Genos' place he makes me meet a fuckton of Youtubers and some of them are actually becoming my friends so now things are different for me… but I know what it feels like to be alone and to have no one to talk to."

You hear a weak beeping sound, and all of a sudden, the screen turns black and just like that, the livestream is over. No matter how many times you refresh Youtube, it won't come back.

If you follow Saitama on social media, you'll know a few hours later through a short tweet on Twitter that his phone battery died on him and he didn't notice it right away.


GENOS VERBALLY DESTROYS TATSUMAKI AND AMAI MASK! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! [11 minutes 23 seconds]

You don't usually fall for clickbait. Especially when it's a video from some random Youtuber, the kind of guy who keeps making shitty best of and top 10 videos sloppily copied from popular channels. But for once, you're tempted.

First, because the video's image caught your eye when Youtube suggested it to you. It shows Genos' face transfigured by wrath, yelling as he bangs his fist on a table. Second, because this video was updated just now but already has been viewed, liked and commented thousands of times, which is quite impressive.

A video going viral when it's only been online for like half an hour? That might be worth saying, you think as you click on it.

It starts right away with a wave of applause ceasing.

A television studio set filmed from above, camera zooming it. A semi-circular white table in the center, where guests are seated – you see Amai Mask haughtily brushing his long blue hair back from his face, then Tatsumaki smirking smugly, and the tv presenter, a man wearing a suit and smiling brightly. And all around, the audience, spotlights and cameras.

"My, my, you are international stars! Who would have believe that making videos on Youtube could lead straight to Hollywood! So it's official, you both have signed a contract with a major american movie producer? Could you tell us more about it?"

The camera's directed at the presenter – you notice that in spite of his serious-looking suit and side parting, he wears a pink tie with a yellow ducks pattern. Behind him, there is a gigantic screen showing pictures of the two famous Youtubers posing with movie stars.

Amai Mask tries to shrug modestly, but it comes off as arrogant.

"The contract I signed includes a confidentiality clause, so I can't tell you anything. However, I would like to remind you that Youtube has nothing to do with my career development. This is just one of the media I use to communicate with my fans. I owe all of my success to my talent as an actor, model and singer."

"Indeed," the presenter nods, "you were already an actor as a child. But Youtube as a springboard to celebrity is a growing phenomenon, you can't deny it! For example you, miss Tatsumaki, as far as I know you've never been an actress and yet you are going to be catapulted to a big-budgeted Hollywood blockbuster as the leading part! How do you explain that?"

Tatsumaki folds her arms on her flat chest and snorts.

"What kind of stupid-ass question is that? I might not be a professional actress or whatever, but I often act in my own sketches in my channel, and the producers are not blind, they noticed I have talent, or else they wouldn't have contacted me to sign that contract. Plus, it's great advertising for them. All they have to do is to put my name or King's or Amai Mask' on whatever they're trying to sell, we have so many fans it means millions of viewers/consumers guaranteed. Producers would be dumb to sniff at it."

Always smiling brightly, the presenter turns to the camera to speak directly to the television audience:

"Anyway, we're excited to watch the movies! Speaking of celebrity, Youtube can make anyone famous overnight! Unless you've been living in a cave away from all social media and Internet for the last two months, you've got to know the two Youtubers who went viral lately, Saitama and Genos!"

Cheering and hearty applause rise from the audience. Tatsumaki scowls and narrows her eyes, while Amai Mask rolls his eyes with an annoyed sigh. Still smiling brightly, the presenter laughs and motions at the audience to calm down.

"I know! I'm a fan too, if you believe it, I subscribed to their channel last month! Let's explain for the viewers who don't already know who they are: Saitama and Genos are two young Youtubers who have been living together for the last two months even though they never met before! Internet took a vivid interest in the both of them for various reasons, the main one being that Genos was already quite popular before that and deleted his Youtube travel channel to devote himself entirely to Saitama. In the early weeks his fans were furious, but when Saitama faced financial difficulties and became homeless, and Genos offered to take him in so they would make videos together, public opinion started to change… in a way… hum… we will talk about this later!"

He turns back to his guests:

"As Youtube celebs yourselves, what do you think about Genos and Saitama's staggering success and sudden popularity?"

The two first buttons of Amai Mask's shirt are undone – no doubt it's intentional, to reveal just a glimpse of his chest's smooth skin. With an elegant hand gesture, he pushes his blue hair back from his arrogant face.

"I think this is a disgrace. Youtube is a sharing platform that has so much potential and should promote hard work, art and talent. Genos used to be a bright and promising video maker and I miss his old channel that had such high quality content. Since he started spending time with this Saitama, he's been infected by his mediocrity. And to think that I considered contacting him to offer him a role in one of my successful TV series!"

Dramatic sigh. Amai Mask feigns disappointment.

"What a waste."

Tatsumaki nods, her lower lip curled down making her look like a sulking brat.

"I'm not elitist like Amai Mask, I consider Youtube a place for everyone to express whatever they want. But what really annoys me about Genos and Saitama is not their videos, but Genos' aggressive reaction whenever someone mocks Saitama. Do you believe that psycho sent me a 10k words mail to tell me my videos about Baldy are offensive? It was so boring I couldn't read more than two lines! Chill out, I was just having a bit of fun!"

Amai Mask nods seriously as if the young girl just said something very wise.

"Those who can't handle some criticism should not upload videos on Youtube at all. And to be perfectly honest, I think Genos and Saitama's success is only due to one thing: for some reason their fans are under the impression that they have romantic feelings for each other, and they throw themselves at every new video like it's a new episode of their soap opera, hoping something will finally happen. That's what I call confusing fiction with reality. If you ask me, it's pathetic."

The presenter's grin widens even more, and there's jubilation in his beady eyes.

"I am glad you're bringing this up, Amai Mask, I was about to broach that topic! Indeed, in the last month we have seen many fan theories flourish about the nature of Genos and Saitama's relationship… and who else than Genos himself to talk about it? Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome on the set our surprise guest: Genos!"

Thunder of applause and hysterical cries from the audience. Different cameras show Genos' entrance from all angles.

Amai Mask and Tatsumaki pull a long face when Genos sits at the table, glaring at them coldly enough to freeze an erupting volcano. The bright light on the set brings out his blond hair and clear green eyes. And the make up he's wearing enhance his ethereal beauty. No doubt all his fangirls are fainting in front of their screen now.

Once the audience stops applauding, the presenter turns toward Genos:

"Welcome on the set, it is an honor to have you here! Before we start, I am going to ask you two questions, because I'm sure everyone here is wondering: until today you've always refused to go on tv, so why did you accept this invitation today? Also Saitama and you have been joined at the hip for two months, so why isn't he with you now?"

The cold rage lurking behind Genos' calm is obvious. He doesn't seem intimidated by the cameras or the audience – he doesn't even spare them a glance.

"I had every intention to turn down the invitation. But when I heard that you would talk about Saitama-sensei and me, and that the guests you chose were Amai Mask and Tatsumaki, I knew that once again, there would be lies and slanders about Saitama. And I won't let anyone mock and insult my sensei ever again. If Saitama is not with me now, it's because I never told him about the invitation and I came here alone to defend his honor. There was no point in inflicting this on him."

"Hey, your Saitama is a grown-up, he can defend himself on his own!" Tatsumaki sneers at him.

Genos narrows his eyes and holds his head high proudly – almost arrogantly.

"Of course he can, better than anyone. He's been defending himself and everyone else for years on the Internet. But…"

His eyes dart angrily at the two Youtubers.

"You're not worthy of his precious time and superior mind."

The presenter pretends to laugh awkwardly, but it's quite obvious he's gloating and totally planned this clash to increase ratings.

"I see you opened hostilities! Genos, we were precisely talking about your fans' theories about the nature of your relationship with Saitama, it's all over social media. It seems like many of them believe that you two are in love with each other and should become an item soon, and others proclaim you are already secretly dating! Are you aware of this?"

Genos probably expected that question, he doesn't even bat an eyelid – however, if you're paying close attention, you'll notice that he's slightly blushing under his foundation.

"I am very active on Twitter and Facebook. So yes, I have… read those theories."

"It's not only on Twitter and Facebook! Have you checked the #saigenos tag on Tumblr?"

Genos frowns, looking confused.

"Saigenos?"

"Don't tell me Pretty Boy doesn't even know about the fanarts…" Tatsumaki groans, rolling her eyes.

"What do you think?" the presenter asks the audience. "Shall we show him?"

The audience shouts « YESSS! » with one voice.

"What are you talking about?" Genos asks stiffly.

The presenter snaps his fingers, and on the giant screen behind him appears a pretty realistic drawing of Saitama and Genos in each other's arms, kissing eagerly.

Genos freezes, eyes growing wide.

"What the…"

He trails off, speechless as he stares at the intensity and passion shown in the drawing – it is a desperate and eager kiss, as if Genos had pushed Saitama against a wall in a fit of passion. Saitama's eyes are closed and you can see a glimpse of his tongue slipping into Genos' mouth, his hand grabbing the blond hair on the back of Genos' head to draw him closer.

"This is one of my favorites, but on Tumblr and DeviantArt there are tons of these « fanarts » that depict you and Saitama as a couple!"

No make up could ever hide Genos' red face when this drawing is replaced by another one. Because of Youtube's policy of censorship it's blurred out, but you can make out Saitama and Genos totally naked in a very suggestive position. Pornographic, even.

"There are hundreds of drawings like this one! And many « fanfictions » are more than explicit. I selected an excerpt particularly kinky…"

The presenter unfolds a piece of paper and clears his throat to read, but Genos curls his hands into fists on the table and snarls through his teeth: "I didn't agree to come here to be ridiculed. I came to talk about Saitama-sensei and tell the world how amazing he is."

The presenter puts his piece of paper down and sits back, crossing his legs.

"Very well, so let's talk about Saitama! We noticed you never answer when your fans ask what is the exact nature of your relationship. I would like you to give us a clear answer now, live on tv: is there anything romantic going on between Saitama and you?"

Genos lowers his head in silence, blond bangs veiling his eyes.

Amai Mask sighs elegantly.

"Pfff. Don't waste your breath, he will never answer. Don't you see this is part of a strategy to attract more viewers and go viral? As long as he lets this question unanswered, his fans will be excited and will keep watching every video on his Youtube channel hoping that something will finally happen. I am sure this was Saitama's idea to manipulate the fans and draw the LGBT community's attention to them."

Genos' embarrassment gives way to wrath. He looks up sharply and springs to his feet, banging his fist on the table:

"YOU'RE WRONG!"

"Tsk," Tatsumaki snorts. "Here we go, he's gonna defend the fugly baldy once again."

Fuming, Genos shoots daggers at the two Youtubers. He raises his voice until he's shouting at them:

"Listen, spoiled brat, shut up and get lost, Saitama is anything but ugly! Saitama is an exceptional being, the most incredible and amazing person I've ever met! He is the kindest man, and his wisdom is awe-inspiring! Saitama-sensei would never look down on anyone or say hurtful and humiliating things like you do! Unlike you, he doesn't need hair to be handsome and attractive!"

Offended, Amai Mask gapes at him like he's been slapped in the face.

The presenter chimes in, grinning like a cat that got the cream: "Oh, so you think he's attractive?"

"Saitama is a very handsome man!" Genos snaps. "Anyone who says otherwise are either blind or jealous."

"Listening to you, it really looks like you're in love! Stop avoiding the issue! Why don't you just admit it?"

"Because I know my feelings for Saitama are unrequited and I don't want to make him uncomfortable!"

Loud gasps from the audience cut Genos short, and he turns very pale as he looks around at the cameras as if he just remembered that he's being filmed. Knocking over his chair in his haste, he strides off the tv set without a word.

The presenter cocks an eyebrow.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we just got an answer!"