Dear Readers,
Errrr... it's me, Swetz Rowe. I am writing in place of Professor Snape because Professor Snape is presently heavily drunk on firewhisky. He drank firewhisky in the first place because he is so frustrated with being unable to track down all of you who are supposed to be hanging by your ankles on the dungeon wall. He is only answering four questions instead of the usual five because he has a throbbing headache. I advise you to distance yourself from Professor Snape as he is even snappier and much more vindictive than usual.
Oh damnation... that's torn it! Due to the influence of firewhisky, Professor Snape's handwriting is barely legible. Now I shall be the one getting the headache with trying to read his handwriting... what a miserable day this is!
Yours sincerely,
Swetz Rowe
Dear Professor Snape,
It might interest you to know that 'Totally a Slytherin', also known as 'GRYFFINDORS RULEZ' is actually a Ravenclaw. SHE'S ME! YES! NOW GIVE RAVENCLAW 400 POINTS!
—Ω
Dear damned blasted person who does not even sign your idiotic name properly,
I need to know the full name of the person, you moron. Forget about the 400 points to Ravenclaw. However, I shall be Cruciating every single Ravenclaw soon to see which of those idiots is you. 50 points from Ravenclaw.
-Professor Snape
Dear idiot,
I'M NOT IN GRYFFINDOR!
-Totally a Griffindor
Dear Griffindor,
Like real. 40 points from Gryffindor.
-Professor Severus Snape
Dear highly regarded Professor Snape,
I would first and foremostly like to say thank you for making the brewing of poisonous substances unit earlier on in the term, I enjoyed the unit very much. My question to you for this letter is; if you could use only one of the potions in this topic on the (extremely annoying) Rita Skeeter, who very rudely asked you about a relationship with the manic Potter (I do NOT believe you do, just saying), which potion would it be?
Yours sincerely,
6th year Ravenclaw,
Potions Lover
Dear Potions Lover,
I would give her a potion that would kill her extremely, extremely, slowly. She will also suffer pain that is even worse than the Cruciatus Curse. She will die two weeks later. The potion would also give her unbearable thirst and hunger that she cannot quench no matter how much she eats or drinks. She completely deserves that awful fate.
Yours sincerely,
Professor Snape
Dear Snape,
WHy ArE yOu SoOooOooOoooo AnnOyiINg?
SeRiOusLy M8 WTH?
You'Ve GotTa LeArN TO ChILl DUdE!
HoW ARe yOU SuPpOsSEd To eND A lEtTEr?
FRoM,
(CHiLleD OUt) RaVEnHufflEDOr
(NO SLYTHERIN CUZ THEY SUCK)
ps. yOU sucK TOo!
Dear idiot who is going to suffer a very slow and painful death very soon,
I am not remotely annoying. Just menacing. I do not need to chill out, as you put it. I am perfectly happy with the way that I am, thank you very much. And you are supposed to end a letter with,' Yours sincerely', 'Yours faithfully', 'Yours truly' or anything related to the stated three signoffs. 30 points each from Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor for irritating me with your horrible punctuation.
-Professor Snape
Author's Note: Hope you like my advice column! Due to school, I will not be able to update so frequently for the next month or so. Just bear with me!:D Please review if you have the time. Also include in your reviews which question and answer you like most if possible. Once again, thank you for supporting my first fanfic!
Yours,
severussnape922
