"Hey, Rosalie? Can I ask a personal question?" It was a Saturday night and the three of us were out for dinner while Isabella was with her bestie for a sleepover.
"Sure, what's up?"
"Isabella's 11; you know, about that age. When will she, uh, get her—"
"I've gotta take a leak," Emmett announced.
Chicken shit.
Rose laughed as Emmett scooted from the table. "I think I was 12, maybe 13."
I gave a sigh of relief because that meant I had another year or two before I had to deal with...that.
"But you should talk to her about that now."
"Whoa! What? Talk? Who said anything about talking? I was going to give her a wad of cash and buy her a book. When I was a kid all the girls were reading some Margaret period book."
Rose rolled her eyes. "That book was outdated when I was a kid. Face it, Edward, you're going to have to say the word 'menstruation' aloud. And you should do it relatively soon because if she doesn't have all the information in advance, she could freak out when it happens."
"I'll be the one freaking out when it happens!"
"Relax."
Relax! How the fuck was I supposed to relax when I was squirming in my seat already?
"Talking about periods will be far easier than having the sex talk."
My hand hit my forehead. I couldn't even go there. Ugh.
In the most simplistic way - and despite Emmett begging her to stop because he was trying to eat - Rosalie explained things to me so I could relay the information to Isabella. She went so far as to suggest I take her bra shopping at the same time. "Make it a fun, girly afternoon," Rosalie said. "It'll be fun." Yeah, as much fun as the cough-cough test at the doctor or a fucking root canal.
It took me three weeks to work up the courage to have the dreaded talk with my daughter. I walked down the hall to her room, pausing outside the door to collect myself. I needed to act casual, as if it was no big deal. Getting her...her...Fuck, I was screwed.
I knocked quietly then let myself in. Isabella was sitting up in bed, gangly legs stretched out in front of her as she read a book. How had my baby grown up so fast? I snuck a look at the book cover, hoping it was the Margaret period book and my work here would be done, but no such luck. She closed it as I walked in, hugging it to her chest.
"Hey," I said as she smiled at me. "Can I sit down?"
Isabella nodded, shuffling over a bit to make room for me.
"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."
"Increasing my allowance?" Isabella asked hopefully. I shook my head.
"Nice try, sweetheart. Bear with me here, okay?"
"Okay?" She squirmed a bit and I could feel my heart starting to pound in anticipation of what was sure to be an awkward and embarrassing conversation. Bonding, my ass.
"So, uh, pretty soon, there's going to be some changes happening."
"We're not moving, are we?"
"What? No, no. Nothing like that. I'm talking about your body and how soon it will be changing into that of a woman."
Isabella inched further away from me. I ignored her and continued.
"You'll grow…." I paused and rudely gestured with both hands in front of me. Idiot. I put my hands down and tried to use my brain to find adequate words.
"I meant to say you'll grow boobs. Uh, breasts. Technically they're called breasts. I thought maybe this weekend we could go buy you a … brassiere."
Brassiere? What the actual fuck - who called it that?
Isabella's jaw fell open. "Like together?" She shook her head frantically. "Nooooo! Can't you just give me money and I'll go with my friends?"
I wanted to facepalm myself. "That sounds like a much better idea."
"Thank God. Are we done here?"
"Unfortunately, no. There are other things you need to be aware of. You may, sorry, you will, get hair...uh, down there. But you can wax or shave, some or all..." I scratched my head not knowing how to explain a landing strip to an eleven year old.
"Never mind that. One day you'll start men-stru-ating." The only way I could say the word was to break it down to syllables. I sounded like a moron. "I bought some...things for that. They're under the bathroom sink. And it's nothing to be afraid of. It means you're becoming a woman." I fake smiled. It all sounded like horseshit to me but I prayed Isabella was gullible enough to believe it was something to look forward to - like the cherry on top of the sundae I was going to have to take her out for after this horrifying talk.
"Yeah, we watched a video about that stuff in health class last year so I kind of know what to expect."
Damn it. I knew I should have just handed her cash and called it a day.
"Okay, cool. Do you have any questions?" I got up to leave, hoping she didn't have any. I'd studied the leaflets that came with the feminine hygiene products just in case but I really hoped I wasn't put to the test. Isabella shrugged and bit her lip and, fuck, I knew that look. She wanted to ask me something but didn't know how. I sat back down.
"Look, I know I'm not an expert but you can still talk to me about anything." I tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. She paused for a moment, fidgeting anxiously the blurted out her question.
"What was my mom like?"
My breath caught in my throat. That was the last question I was expecting. Ally wasn't someone we talked about - ever. I scrubbed my hand over my face knowing this was probably the beginning of a string of difficult questions I would have to answer. I think talking tampons and pads would be an easier topic of discussion.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"No offense, but it'd be a lot easier to talk to another girl about this kind of stuff."
"There's always Rosalie."
Isabella shook her head; I frowned as it dawned on me.
"You're talking about having a mom. Someone to go shoe shopping with or getting a pedicure with. I get it." And I did - so much so that my heart hurt with the realization.
"Do you know where she is?"
"Las Vegas, last I heard."
"How come I never see her?"
"Well, when you were three we went to court and she signed over her parental rights to me. That means you're with me, and only me, all the time."
That February morning was the last time I'd seen Ally. She said very little during the court proceedings except to tell the judge she understood signing the documents meant she was giving sole custody to me, therefore forfeiting visitation, etcetera. It was only a formality - we'd had zero contact since the night she'd walked out. Those court papers were my way of protecting both Isabella and myself in case Ally tried to pull some kind of bullshit in the future. And she'd better not ever try.
"She didn't want to be my mom?"
My fingers raked through my hair. "It's … complicated."
Isabella looked at me expectantly and waited patiently. I rolled a kink out of my neck before I started way back at the beginning.
"Your mom and I, we met at a party. We were young, barely seventeen. We got drunk and…and..."
"I get it, Dad. You had sex. I know how babies are made." She sort of smirked and I nodded.
"Right, so we...did that. It was a one time thing. I mean we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend." It was weird for me to admit she was conceived after a loveless one-night stand. Isabella didn't seem to be phased, and waited for me to continue.
I told her about Ally's parents kicking her out, how I got a job, and gave up the scholarship so I could be home and try to build a relationship with her mom.
"We tried our best to be a family but we were kids raising a kid. Your mom and I were at each other's throats, constantly bickering about stupid things. When you were almost four months old, things got to be too much for her. Ally was so overwhelmed and she...Your mom left because she..."
Fuck. I couldn't do it - I couldn't break Isabella's heart. Turned out I didn't need to say anything. My daughter wasn't stupid.
"Are you saying she didn't want to be my mom anymore?" Her words felt like a knife sliding into my gut.
I held her hands in mine, tightly- probably too tight.
"Ally left because she was sick. Up here." I tapped my temple. "Anyone who can walk away from their own child without a backward glance has something wrong with them."
"How come you never told me all this before?" Isabella's voice was rough as she fought back tears.
"You never asked."
Isabella rolled her eyes as if to say 'nice try, Dad.' I knew I owed her a better explanation than that. I took a moment to gather my thoughts.
"I couldn't have you hate her. Whether I like it or not, she's your mother. Years of resentment and hatred for that woman created a monster inside me. It's not a side I'm proud of, and I never wanted you to have that...that poison in your heart."
"Do you think she ever loved me?" She asked, her brow furrowed.
"I do." I nodded, hand over my heart. I thought back to the one photo of us from the day Isabella was born. Irrefutable, tangible love.
"What about now? Does she love me now?" Tears slipped down her cheeks and she wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve.
My hand scratched the stubble on my chin. "I'm going to be brutally honest here and say I don't know. God, it kills me to say that but I don't know because I haven't seen or talked to her in years."
"I hate her."
"Me too, baby, so much."
And as much as I hated Ally, it was incredibly difficult for me to hear Isabella agree with my sentiments. I never wanted that for her. I wanted it for me, but not for her. I don't even know if that makes sense but...
Isabella pulled her knees to her chest and folded in on herself. Tears streamed down her face and her body trembled with sobs. I gathered her into my arms as she unraveled. There were no words I could say to fix the pain she was in. I fucking despised Ally even more for making my daughter hurt so much. The broken girl in my arms was exactly why I never wanted Isabella to know the truth.
And it killed me to know I was also to blame for those tears. Fuck. Maybe I shouldn't have let Ally leave that night. When she said her goodbye, I should have begged her to stay. Not for me, but for Isabella. She deserved a mother and it wasn't fair of me to deny her that. Any mom would've been better than no mom. Who was I kidding, thinking I could be everything she needed?
There wasn't any point in holding back my own tears; they were years in the making. I wasn't crying for all the things I'd given up to raise my daughter, because none of that mattered. They were tears of sadness, anger, and frustration for Isabella. Tears for a little girl - my little girl, who lost so much and it was all my fault.
"Isabella, I'm so sorry." I choked out my apology.
"Why are you sorry?"
I brushed my tears away with the palms of my hands.
"I'm sorry I couldn't give you a mom. I should've tried harder when I had the chance - fought for you. Begged Ally not to leave. Picked up another job, or done more around the house or….I don't know, but maybe there was something I could've done."
There was a long moment of silence. I was afraid of what Isabella would say next. Agree with me that I'd made a monumental mistake? Tell me she wanted to find Ally? Get to know her; try to make her mom love her? In that long breathless pause, my mind wandered to places I was terrified of - for her sake and mine. When she finally spoke Isabella said something my heart had known all along.
"Don't you think if she wanted to be in my life she would be?"
It was a hard realization for an almost eleven year old to come to. I nodded because she was right. Damn it, she was right. I dried my tears. I hugged her tighter.
"You had a scholarship? I didn't know that."
"I did. I was destined for sunny So Cal. I may have actually gotten a tan, imagine that." I chuckled. I was always teased because I was perpetually pale.
"You gave it up? For me?"
I shook my head. "No, I gave it up for us. But I'd give up everything and anything for you."
"It sounds like you did." Isabella frowned, turning away from me.
"Hey, look at me. I have no regrets about the things I gave up. Not one. I'd do it all again, a thousand times."
Silence slipped into the room, a welcome break. I continued to hold my daughter close.
"Have you ever been in love? I mean it doesn't sound like you and my mom had that...spark Gramma and Grandpa do."
"Have I ever been in love?" I smiled. "Oh, most definitely I have."
"Tell me!" She pulled away from me to hear the story.
"Well, she came into my life quite unexpectedly. She was beautiful but not only physically. Her beauty came from within - a heart so pure and kind. We'd stay in bed until ten o'clock on lazy Saturday mornings and slow dance around the living room after we got up. God, I used to love dancing with her. I'd hold her close, singing off-key, and she'd lay her head on my shoulder as we'd sway to the beat. She was the kind of girl who made me fall in love with her laugh, and made me forget my name when she told me she loved me. And I love her back, tenfold. So, yes, I've been so in love I thought I was going mad with it."
Isabella was as captivated by my story as my heart was captivated by her. "Wow. Why aren't you with her? Sounds like she's your soulmate."
"She is. She certainly is." I tapped the tip of her nose with my index finger.
"Da-ad! I thought you were talking about some old girlfriend."
I shook my head. "Nope. You're the one who taught me about love, sweetheart. There's only one girl for me and her name is Isabella."
She smiled. "I love you, Daddy"
"I love you, too. To the moon and back."
Thank you all so much for continuing to read and review. I read and reply to all your comments, so please leave a little love.
Alanna: love you, girl xoxox
Bee: you helped me so much with this chapter - thank you xo
