:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:
Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.
By, Tuisto.
A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.
Now without further, adieu.
Woes in Nerima chapter 9:
LIME-ish….?
Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished... He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home…
However, this is not his story, as he has just 'leaped' into a Fred Burgelmeijer, an animal relationships specialist on a north Texas ranch, trying to convince bull number 473 that heifer number 158 just isn't for him…
"Oh-boy…"
-----
Now baby let me take you to heaven, err that is explain the drama unfolding there.
We see Skuld, youngest of the three Norns and goddess of the future in the main Yggdrasil operations room glaring at the ten holoscreens in front of her as she thought. "Man this sucks, I just don't get it, 10 possible futures for Japan just up and collapse for no reason?! Great, now I've gotta' figure out why they collapsed and file individual reports… geez this sucks."
As Skuld breezes through the cases 1, 2, and 3, number 4 stops her dead in her tracks to think. "hmm, a blue-haired tomboy and… Saffron?! What the hell is that prick doing in possible timelines of Japan? Let me see here, a tug on reality here, a poke in the time-stream there and I'll get to the bottom of… this?..." Skuld mentally trailed off as 5 more failed possible futures showed themselves in more holoscreens, no make that 20 more failed future holoscreens, no, 100 more holoscreens!? Skuld could only sit and gape as the collapsed timelines expounded on each other until they rounded off just past 1000.
As she slowly recovers her wits staring dumbly at the virtual wall of virtual computer screens, Skuld somehow, someway, knew Urd was at fault. So she does the only thing possible in this sort of case, which is of course to wail at the top of her lungs "ARG, THIS SUUUUUUUCKS!!!"
As Akane blearily opens her glazed still sleepy eyes, she… no make that he, couldn't help but to smile thinking back to a most pleasant dream he had, when then he could swear he heard a faint girls wail of 'this sucks' emanating from on high above the clouds. No, that can't be right, that's just silly.
This is also when Akane-kun realizes several interesting facts. First is that it's now quite dark out, indicating it's now night-time, there's also the light from the street-lamps in further indication of this. Secondly, he realizes that other than the tattered undershirt, he's quite very much naked on cold pavement and in a rapidly cooling breeze. The breeze has the effect of informing him of a crusty and very cold portion uncovered of anatomy, subsequently bringing him to full alert consciousness. The first thing for the now very awake Akane-kun to actually see is that he's rolled on his side with his face merely inches away from Ukyo's supple bare butt.
"Pervert! Oh my Kami, oh my Kami, oh my Kami, what'd I do? What'd I do?! What'd WE do!?? Pervert! Oh my Kami…" was Akane-kun's confused mental tirade as he spun around from the site of Ukyo's backside, to then see Ranma-chan squeezing her more than generously sized 'assets' into Shampoo's cheongsam silk dress. A dress that while tight on Shampoo, looks painted on for Ranma-chan.
Seeing this Akane remembers a portion of the dream where he was on his back feeling quite good for some reason, and Ranma-chan was on top him with her 'assests' bouncing quite freely in front of his face, when he felt a new, yet familiar tingle spread over a portion of his lower anatomy. "calm down Akane, calm down, its not like you haven't seen Ranma in all sorts of states of dress and undress before, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason for all this." Akane thought to himself.
"Okay, let's see, I'm naked, check, Ukyo's naked, check, Ranma is squeezed into one of Shampoo's dresses, check." As Akane thought about those facts to himself, he formulated a conclusion. "That PERVERT! She used me and Ukyo in some weird lesbian fetish sexcapade, where she was playing the part of Shampoo!!!"
With that in mind, there's was only one course of action needed. 'pound the pervert!'
Standing up, and materializing a ki-mallet, Akane-kun shouts "RANMA YOU PERVERT!"
Swing and a miss as Ranma dodges the pervert-pounder mallet. Then retorts "Geeze Akane keep it down will ya'? I've got a killer headache, and who are YOU calling a pervert, considerin' you're flashing ME?!"
Reminded of his own nakedness; Akane 'eeps!' as the ki-mallet winks out of existence as he tries to cover his shame.
Ranma then tosses a pair of pants to Akane and says "Put 'em on, they're Mousse's, but duck-boy ain't gonna' be needen 'em anytime soon though." With that Akane looks to where Ranma is looking to see a white duck and a purple cat huddled together against a tree, as he slips on the pants.
"Ranma, what happened here?"
"You mean you don't remember?"
Seeing Akane shake his head in a 'no', Ranma feels like she could just cry as she rants.
"Great, just great! Another 'first' for me as a girl, to lose my virginity as a girl and not a guy, and the guu-u err person I looo--o, err really like doesn't ever remember doing it!" she then stamps her foot and mumbles dejectedly "it's not fair."
Akane was wide-eyed and dumbfounded, he as a he, was with Ranma as a she, to do THAT!
"H-how?"
Ranma sighed and went into the explanation of the love-potions, the fight, the release of the potions and the events that came after that.
"So what now?" Akane asked.
"Well, I don't know 'bout you, but it's late, I'm REALLY tired, and I just wanna' go back to the dojo clean up, maybe get a snack and some aspirin and go to bed. That alright with you?"
Akane nods 'yes' then says looking over the 'spooning' bodies around them "But Ranma, what about everyone else? We can't just leave them here, can we?"
Rubbing her temples, Ranma says with some exasperation. "Eh, they'll be fine for now, and when they wake up, I think they might be, well, pretty pissed. And I know that I don't wanna' be around for that. So can we just go now?"
"Alright, alright, don't have to be so testy; what's your problemme anyway?" Akane said as the two bagan walking back to the dojo.
After several minutes of silent walking, Akane-kun asks; "Well, what's with you?! This whole 'silent treatment' is so not like you!"
Ranma abruptly stops, and turns a glare to Akane-kun as she advances on him saying. "What's wrong with me?, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? There's been yet ANOTHER fight were I was just some sick prize, we got drugged, I've been through a 'gang-bang' as a girl, I've got a massive headache and aches in places I'd rather not think about, and if that all weren't enough, I'm in a dress that I can hardly breath in 'cause my clothes got trashed, and all your guys 'junk' is leaking out and dribbling down my legs and getting cold! Pardon me if I'm not 'Miss Congeniality' or nothin'. And THAT'S MY PROBLEMME!"
With that Ranma does a disgruntled feminine 'Hmph' and goes back towards the dojo up ahead, leaving a shocked and confused Akane-kun sitting flat on his rear after her rant to stare dumbly at Ranma's retreating form in the night.
"Oh my, Tofu-kun even got it in my hair!" Kasumi thought as she used her now not so white handkerchief to remove the evidence of the 'it' from her face and hair while giggling in front of the hall mirror, "Oh but he's just so frustratingly silly sometimes! I just HAD to do something with initiative or he'd never get the clue. Honestly!" she thought as she kept giggling.
"Kasumi, what ARE you doing!?" Ranma exclaims in surprise as she just walked into the house.
"EEP!" Kasumi screems girlishly then whirls around to face Ranma. "Oh-my, Ranma-chan don't startle me like that!"
"Sorry Kasumi, didn't mean to or nothin'. But what were you doin' just now?"
"Oh, that, heh-heh. Nice doctor Tofu came over and… and I was… um just freshening up after… um… heh heh entertaining him." Kasumi said giggling nervously.
With that Ranma peeked around the corner to look into the living room to see Tofu sitting on the couch, messed clothes, messed hair, glasses cracked from the heat of the steam, and twitching.
Ranma then said to him "Hi-ya doc. Tofu how are ya'?"
"Rrrnma, hmm flibble zerplerkertlenokt Kasumi zork flewedbleding GUUD!!" Tofu said as his eyes rolled back into his head as he lost consciousness.
Turning back to heavily blushing Kasumi, Ranma drawls almost sarcastically "Yep he sure looks plenty 'entertained' don't he?"
As Kasumi sputtered for some kind of response, Ranma headed towards the stairs, then stopped and said over her shoulder in a very mature voice. "Kasumi, I'm going to get a quick shower. Then as it seems 'Ranko' was the only one to pay attention to 'Auntie Nodoka' on how a proper Japanese woman treats guests in the house, it seems I'll have to have a talk with you later about your actions." With that Ranma continued up the stairs leaving Kasumi to gape and thinking "Dear Lord when did Ranma become her mother? And Ranma's going to lecture ME on how to be a proper Japanese woman!?!?"
"Come on Ryo-chan! Just hold my hand while I get the keys out. Unless, that is you want to wander off from me, a hot meal and warm bed?" Ukyo said with teary eyes. Hook.
"No, no that's not it at all Miss Ukyo, it's just I don't want to take advantage of your hospitality! Honest!" Ryoga defended.
"Now honey, we've done the deed, so no need to be so formal, just call me Ukyo… or better yet Uc-chan!" she said with a winning smile. Line.
"Well if you insist Uk… err I mean Uc-chan, but are you sure about me staying here with you?"
"Oh it's no problemme at all! In fact it's the least I could do for a big handsome strong martial artis like yourself!" Uc-chan beamed again.
"Ah-ha-ha, well if you put it that way, I guess I'll accept." Ryoga said with a nervous smile. And Sinker.
"Can't have Ranchan, well no problemme, Ryo-chan does make a pretty nice consolation prize!" Ukyo thought to herself as she opened the door to 'Uc-chans' Okonomiaki', to see sprawled out on the cold grill a very naked Konatsu, and a similarly unclad Tsubasa. Though, Ukyo was certain that that potted plant in the corner that wasn't there when she left, was his costume du jour.
"Ukyo-sama! You've returned heh-heh, please pardon our forwardness Ukyo-sama." Konatsu said with head bowed standing before Ukyo.
Though Ukyo was too stunned by what she was seeing, or rather not seeing to say much more than "Ko-konatsu, since when are… are you a #gulp# girl?"
"Oh you mean why am I an actual girl instead of a boy just dressing as one?"
Ukyo nods 'yes'
"Oh that's simple; I just saved up my pay, and ordered just enough Jusenkyo Nyannichuan mixed with permanence water for one dose. It came yesterday and now it's like a dream come true!" Konatsu smilled a thousand watt smile.
Stunned, Ukyo turned to Tsubasa and asked "And you are…with Konatsu as a her?"
"What? You had your chance Ukyo, and Konatsu and I have been on a few dates, but I know she's the one for me now that she's made the leap."
Konatsu couldn't but to smile tearily and happily as she sidled up next to Tsubasa.
Getting her wits back together Ukyo then asked, "So you both are together now, right?" they nod 'yes' so she continues "So you both are gonna' stop trying to get me in some way?"
They nod yes, the Konatsu says "Yes Ukyo-sama, seems we both gave you plenty of chances but we were turned down each time. But now we're together and happy. I hope you can be happy for us."
After several uncertain minutes Ukyo jumps and shouts "YATTAI!" then hugs Konatsu and Tsubasa and kisses them on their cheeks as she then grabs Ryoga by the shirt collar dragging him upstairs happily mumbling something about 'celebrating'.
After several moments Tsubasa says "Well, that certainly was…"
"Odd I know." Konatsu finishes. Follwed by a shouting-squeal from upstairs of "Clean that grill when your all done!" presumably from Ukyo.
"Definitely odd" Tsubasa mumbles.
"I'm home!" Nabiki called as she entered the house. "No reply, how odd"
"We're here in the living room Nabiki-chan!" Came a mature properly spoken voice from the said room.
"Auntie-Nodoka? What is she doing here at this late hour?" Nabiki thought to herself as she walked in to the living room to see the faces of Kasumi and Akane-chan bowed, to a woman in a formal kimono, with a silk-wrapped stick by her side, and red-hair up in a bun
"Auntie Nodoka what are you doing here?"
Turning to face Nabiki, the woman said "I'm sorry Nabiki-chan, but I'm not Mother, and last I checked I lived here."
"Gah! Ranma! What's going on? Why are you acting like your mother? What the Hell is going on!?" Nabiki said in frustrated surprise, to which Ranma retorted sternly "Such language! I won't have it, do you understand me Nabiki-chan!"
"Yes Ma-am" Nabiki said meakly, then mentally kicked herself "For cryin' out loud you just called Ranma 'ma-am'!"
"Now that's better. Well if you really must know when I came home this evening I found that Kasumi had just finished 'servicing' Doctor Ono on the couch. So I decided that you girls (she glanced at Kasumi) needed a refresher in Mother's teachings on how proper Japanese women act."
"Oh, Kasumi and Tofu on the couch ewww!" Nabiki says as Kasumi's face grows even more red from embarrassment.
"Okay, I guess I can understand this 'refresher' as you put it, but what's with this act and getup of yours?"
"Oh, well this evening I became a whole woman, so I decided that as long as I'm in woman-form. I shall endeavor to be a 'woman among women', and it just so happens that the best example from which to base this off of is from my Mother. Fortunately she taught me well, diced up the previous contract, and seems amicable to me as a woman. And hopefully you girls can at least learn some proper decorum!"
After that was said the silence was deafening. Kasumi was the first to recover asking "What do you mean Ranma that you became a 'whole woman', does it mean you can no longer change?"
Ranma drew in a breath and said "Well yes that is partially it, during my shower after I got home I realized I couldn't change, at first I was shocked and angry and something else I can't identify. But then I realized that the events of tonight along with what you once pointed out Nabiki, is that I'm a better person and better off as a woman."
Ignoring the gasps of surprise from Kasumi and Akane-chan, Nabiki pressed, "What do you mean, what I once pointed out? What'd I say?"
"Well, I guess it was just a few days into my training of Akane on how to handle the curse that…"
Akane then realizes what's about to happen, her eyes widen in true fear and she says "No not a flashback, anything but a flashba…" too late.
-----#scene wavers with harp music#-----
"Come on Akane! Your center of gravity is higher now! You have to compensate for that when throwing a kick!" Ranma-chan shouted
"Oh but Ranma it's hard!" Akane-kun whined.
"Of course it's hard! And quit talkin' like a polite little house girl!"
"Why should I!?"
"Because this is trainin' on how to be a man! You're gonna' be a man half the time, so talk like it!" Ranma shot back.
"Arrg! Why should I you hypocrite! You're a girl half the time, and yet you talk, and walk, and dress like a boy still! So how come I have to go through all this, and you don't!?" Akane-kun shouted.
"Heh, 'Bro's' got you there Ranma-chan." Nabiki said as she entered the dojo.
"What'd ya mean Nab's?"
"Quite simple really; why should Akane go through all this 'man-training' to adapt to her curse, when you won't do the same for yourself?" Nabiki said with a smirk.
"Why? Why it's because I'm a guy dammit!"
"Oh, so this boob I'm poking is just an illusion?" Nabiki's smirk grew slightly.
"No it's real, I've just gotta' me manly and stuff, ya know? So I can't be all girly-girly. And would ya' cut that out?"
"Oh I see, so that's how it is. So Akane has to go through all this stuff to learn how to act like a proper male, because that form is now part of her. But the same doesn't apply to you?"
"Yeah." Ranma said unsurely.
"See! Ranma you jerk you're nothing but a big hypocrite!" Akane-kun shouted.
"You know Saotome, I have to agree with 'bro' there. Honestly, if there weren't so many examples of you being a real girl with it not being an act, I'd say you COULDN'T be a convincing female if you tried."
"Hey Nab's what's that supposed to mean?" Ranma said curiosity dripping into her voice.
"Well, it's simply thinking back to incidents where you behaved just like a real girl would. Like when Mikado Senzanin stole a kiss from you, you're first as I understand it, where you then ran off bawling your eyes out. Or when you got that knock on the head, and cooked and cleaned with a poise and grace only a REAL girl could have. Then there's when you worked at the Nekohanten, and when a guy copped a feel, instead of flattening him, like a guy would, you just brushed it off, gave a glare or told them off, and kept working. Then there's that whole 'koi-rod' thing where…"
"OKAY, OKAY I GET IT! Geeze, you don't have to rub it in. So what you're sayin' is that there are a lot of times, where I'm actin' like a girl, without it being an act?"
"Right on the money Saotome. But what I think I'm getting at is that just because you've been acting femininely in your girl-form, you still act like your usual brash egotistical male self when in guy form."
"Gee Nabiki, thanks…" Ranma drawled than said "So your point is what exactly?"
"Oh it's simple really. All I'm saying is that while you're training Akane to be a good boy, she, and I could train you in how to be a good girl. That way you'll be a better person overall. And on the plus side, a more feminine 'Ranko' would make 'Auntie-Nodoka so very proud don't you think?" "Gotcha!"
"Yeah, I guess it couldn't hurt to go through some regular girl training. Yeah that's it! If I gotta' be a girl, I'd better be the best!"
"Nabiki what have you unleashed?" Akane-kun thought as Nabiki rolled her eyes.
-----#Return to present with harp music#-----
"make the bad flashbacks stop, make them stop" Akane-chan kept mumbling as she rocked back and forth in the fetal position.
"Akane snap out of it!" Nabiki says as she pats Akane on the back.
"Oh, it's over?"
"Yeah sis, don't worry, the big bad flashback is gone for now." Nabiki reassured Akane.
"O-okay, hey you aren't mocking my 'flashbackaphobia' again are you Nabiki?" Akane said now sitting up.
"No certainly not."
"Well, alright then… hey! I just thought of something! Ranma you said that you couldn't change earlier right?" Ranma nods with a 'yes' so Akane continues. "Don't you see, it's been close to 3 weeks now since your first menses, so this being stuck is probably just that you starting the cycle again!"
After several moments Ranma nods and says with a small smile "You know Akane, I think you're right, thank you for pointing that out."
"Alright Ranma-chan, now that that's all cleared up, will you assist me in bringing Tofu-kun up to the guest room?" Kasumi politely asked.
"Certainly Kasumi, I was about to retire for the evening anyway." Ranma said as she picked up the now revealed live-steal katana, to then take one arm of Tufu and Kasumi took the other arm to drag him up the stairs.
One Ranma was out of ear-shot, Nabiki turned to Akane and said "Akane, I'm not sure what happened to Ranma tonight, in fact I'm not sure I want to know. But I think you should get a tux ready."
"Why do you say that Nabiki?"
"Well, somehow someway Ranma has morphed into her mother, and considering that you 'had your way' with her earlier tonight, she's going to want to get hitched now, and probably soon too. But that's just a guess. Now if you'll excuse me I have some footage to upload" Nabiki then leaves a pale, and mouth gaping Akane to mull that over.
Later that evening Hikaru Gosenkugi was loving every $14.95 minute of 'NEW!' video-clips on "Nabiki's Redhead happy happy funtime house" site.
"Though, it would be better if that girl would get out of the way so I could see that hunk of a man better!" he thought.
The next morning at the Tendo dojo is unusually quite as they sit, waiting for the two Saotome women to serve breakfast, the only real voice is Genma continually mumbling about 'ungrateful sons not protecting their fathers, and not waking him up early enough to get in a pre-breakfast game of 'shogi' in with Soun.'
But soon enough Nodoka comes out of the kitchen balancing no less than 5 platters of food. 'Yes she IS Ranma's mother alright.' Was the general thought from all the Tendo's.
However Genma was not paying attention to that feat of balance work. No instead he only saw one redheaded, kimono wearing, katana wielding madwoman to his left, and one redheaded, kimono wearing, katana wielding madwoman to his right, when he then screamed like a little girl, hands flew protectively to cover his buttocks, then ran through the paper door to the backyard leaving a Genma shaped hole in it, as he continued to run and scream like a little girl.
"Mother do you know what that was about?" Ranma questioned.
Nodoka's face darkend slightly as a rather disturbingly sadistic smile grew on her face as she said "Oh it's nothing dear, I just had to be manly to Genma to show him the errors of his ways last night is all. I guess he's just over-reacting still."
"Oh, alright then." Ranma said dismissively, and ignoring the boggling looks the Tendo's were giving her and her mother.
After several quite masticating minutes, Nodoka splashes Akane-chan with water changing her to Akane-kun, then says "So Akane-kun, Ranma told me of your impending marriage, are you thinking of Shinto or Western style?"
As four sets of chop-sticks falls from numb fingers, and four sets of Tendo eyes turn towards a madly smiling, Ranma-chan in a kimono lovingly stroking a katana by her side, while vigorously nodding her head in a 'yes'.
Nabiki leans over and whispers into Akane-kun's ear "I pitty you." This followed by Kasumi leaning over and whispering into his other ear "ditto."
This then followed by Akane-kun's eyes rolling back into his head as he passes out into his soup.
"Oh-my!"
A/N: Gosh I LOVE cliffhangers, don't you?
T/B/C!
