Hey there =)
New update, yay !
This chapter is quite important and it's kind of sad if you think about it...
Please don't hate me for being mean to Joe, he'll find love someday :P
Don't forget to review because I just looooove hearing what you think, thanks for all the ones I already got, it really makes my day =)
Anyways, I hope you like it !
My mom didn't talk to me for days. I knew maybe I went a little too far by exploding like this, saying what I had been thinking for the past weeks about her, but really, I just couldn't hold it back. Things were getting a little uncomfortable at home, even more now that Jade was here and she just looked at us like we were the most terrifying thing in the world, probably wondering why she had come in the first place. I felt a little bad for her, knowing that if I was at her place, I just wouldn't know what to do, but I tried to make it better by bringing her out a lot, out of the house mostly. We went shopping a lot during the first week, since I had no school so I could do whatever I want with my nights. But then week end came, as well as this feeling that things would turn out like crap. Jade had met Emily already a couple of times and they really got along, seeing that Jade was like me on a lot of levels, if it wasn't for her humour or the way she didn't judge people by only looking at them, it was just because Jade and I had a really close relationship, but whatever stranger came along, he wouldn't feel so out. I don't know how she did that, but whenever I was with Jade, I just became a happier person, more open and sociable. It was the effect she had on me, and Emily noticed it right away.
Needless to say that I had tried my best to keep Jade as far as possible from Joe and Billy and everyone who came along with them. Jade was open minded, but not that much. I knew she would freak out, I just knew it. It was written in the sky. Emily said I was overacting, I said she wasn't reacting enough. I knew exactly what face Jade would do, what she'd say and how she'd say it. I had seen it before with some boyfriend I had that they really didn't like. I say 'they' because Jade has an older sister, and the both of them were exactly the same. And they both reacted the same to everything.
"You know Matt's getter bigger every day. He's just the cutest thing ever," Jade told me as we were both in my room, trying to decide what to wear. We had been talking about her sister, Elisabeth, for a while, and how her marriage seemed to go well (she was only 20 but got married young because she got pregnant at 18), and her son, Mathieu. I knew Matt was one adorable little boy, but I hadn't seen him in months, so he was probably much bigger than the last time I saw him.
"I bet. How's Eric?" I asked about Elisabeth's boyfriend/husband.
"Oh, he's great. Everyone says hi, by the way," she replied, looking at me with a smile, and I smiled back.
"Are you sure you want to come? Because if you don't, it's totally cool. It won't be that much fun, and you hate hockey," I asked her after a minute, and Jade rolled her eyes at my comment. Joe had invited us on this lovely Saturday evening to his apartment to watch the hockey game. He knew I liked hockey so he thought I'd be happy, and I would be if it wasn't for the situation I had in my hands. Jade, like most girls, did not like hockey at all, and neither did Emily, but we were going anyway because I had to talk to Joe. It had been a week and he didn't visit me once at the diner. It wasn't even him who called me to invite me, it was Bodie. Guys are so immature.
"No, I want to come and meet your friends," she replied, picking up a t-shirt to put in on herself and see if it looked good.
"You met Emily," I claimed, but she rolled her eyes again.
"She's not your only friend, is she? I want to meet the guys. See if there are hot ones," she explained, and I couldn't help but laugh, though I still had a frown on my face.
"You're not missing anything," I assured her. She put down the t-shirt and took another one, raising an eyebrow at me.
"And that Joe guy Emily was talking about? She said you liked him," she said, looking at herself in the mirror and smiling, liking what she saw. She took off the shirt she was wearing and put the other on.
"I don't," I disagreed, and Jade just shook her head, laughing.
"Then I'll take him," she proposed, shrugging. I rolled my eyes and looked around the room, thinking of something to wear now that I was the only one not knowing what I was going to put on.
"He's all yours," I mumbled, but Jade heard me and smirked, walking around the room to help me find something. I saw my door open and lifted up my head to see Emily walk in my room, a weird look on her face.
"Why is your mom looking at me like I'm about to attack her?" she asked me, closing the door behind her. Jade laughed softly, still looking into clothes, as I sighed. "What?" Emily asked again, not receiving an answer.
"You know the little argument I had with her last week?" I started, and Jade laughed again.
"Little argument? It wasn't an argument, it was only you screaming hysterically to your mom and her looking at you like you just turned into an alien," she corrected, and I turned to her with a murderous look before going back to Emily.
"Whatever. Let's just say our mother-daughter relationship took a wrong turn, and she now acts like everything related to this place is threat to her," I explained, and Emily raised an eyebrow.
"Even me?" she asked.
"Even you," I confirmed, and Emily seemed a little uncomfortable.
"Maybe we should go to my place more often," she proposed.
"That's a very good idea," I agreed, and Emily's features soften.
"So, are we ready?" she asked after a minute, where I just stood there, not knowing what to do, and Jade was still looking into clothes.
"Nan, Miss Sarah here doesn't know what to wear," she said, glancing at me just to see me roll my eyes, again. Emily turned to me and smirked.
"You want to look good for Joe? Oh, wait, maybe for Billy... I don't know, it's kind of confusing," she teased me, and all I found to do was to throw her a pillow that she caught, laughing.
"Shut up, Em," I ordered her between my teeth, but her smirk just grew wider.
"Billy? You never told me you had something going on with the other guy!" Jade exclaimed, looking horrified that I hadn't talked to her about it.
"That's because there isn't anything going on!" I claimed, waving my hands in the air in an exasperated manner. Emily laughed at me, and since I couldn't get her to stop, I just pretended like she wasn't there. I sat on my bed, staring at myself in the mirror, seeing how pissed I looked, but somehow I felt my face didn't show just how much I was pissed. I locked eyes with Emily who had stopped laughing, seeing that I really didn't feel it was funny. She gave me a sorry look and walked around my bed to sit next to me.
"Sorry, I'm being a bitch," she apologized, and I managed to smile at her.
"Yeah, I'm getting used to that," I answered, nodding my head like I was facing the inevitable. Emily hit me with the pillow she had in hand and I laughed; now being the one teasing the other.
"I got somethin' for ya," she announced, searching in her purse to find that thing she had for me. After a while, she finally took out a piece of clothing that was everything but my style. It was a sexy camisole, showing too much cleavage and short enough so that it didn't hide part of my belly. I looked up to her with a raised eyebrow and she sighed. "Come on, it's just a shirt!" she plead, and I laughed in disbelief.
"This is not a shirt, this is half of a shirt and I am so not wearing this," I replied, shaking my head and waving Emily to put that thing away from me. She rolled her eyes, but before she could say anything, Jade spoke.
"I'll wear it!" she announced, visibly happy to solve our little problem. I turned to her and shook my head.
"No. You're sixteen, Jade, not twenty five," I stated, still not chasing the smile off of her face.
"Who cares, I got a hot body, it's gotta serve for something!" she defended, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Did I forget to mention Jade is captain of her basketball team and has more muscles that I will probably ever have? But she's still very feminine and as thin as me, and she's got more boobs. She's just perfect, and as much as I love her, it really makes me sick. She extended her arm towards Emily who gave her the camisole hesitantly, before Jade took it from her hands and put it on after taking off the shirt she had put on only five minutes ago.
"Great, now I have nothing to wear and my cousin looks like a slut! Let's go," I said, exasperated. Jade gave me a murderous look but I ignored it, rising from my bed and walking towards the door, tired of this. I was dressed like every other day, but at this point I really didn't care anymore, I just wanted to go.
Emily and Jade followed me and we were soon out of the house, heading towards Tommy's car that Emily had borrowed for the night. She got in the driver's side, turning on the engine as I positioned myself beside her in the passenger's side and Jade sat in the back seat. The ride was silent as we headed towards Billy's apartment. My face betrayed no expression but I was really freaking out. Jade was meeting the guys for the first time and I had to talk to Joe about the fact that I didn't like him the way he liked me so he better back off or things would become really ugly. There was also Billy, which I now knew I liked but couldn't let it show because he definitely didn't feel the same way about me, though he kissed me and it seemed to me like it was more than just a kiss. It was like he was trying to get something out of me and didn't succeed in the end. I was driving myself crazy just thinking about it, and I couldn't stop playing with my fingers as the car pulled up in the parking lot of the apartment building.
I sighed and followed them towards the front door, thinking of turning back every two steps but changing my mind every time. We ended up in front of Billy's door and Emily knocked three times, turning to me to give me a smile. We could clearly hear the guys talking on the other side of the door, and even some female voices, followed by sounds of someone walking towards the door and turning the door knob. The door opened to reveal Joe; his head turned towards the living room, laughing at someone's joke, before he turned to us, his smile disappearing from his face. A couple of seconds passed where we just looked at each other, Joe smiling shyly at me as I did the same.
"Are you gonna let us in or what?" Emily asked, getting tired of waiting. Joe turned to her and nodded, moving to the side to let us through. We walked in the apartment and headed directly to the living room where all the guys were already there, with the company of two girls. Not any girls: Megan and the girl who laughed at me at the first party when she thought I was a virgin.
The two girls (slutty, disgusting, pathetic, horny bitches) were sitting with the guys that I was supposed to spend the night with. Not that I wasn't used to seeing girls all around the guys all the time, I knew this is what their life was, but I thought this was supposed to be a small gathering with only the guys, not with sluts too. Then it hit me. Was I like them? Was I just like all those girls around the guys, being only a pair of legs passing by them? I felt different, but what if I wasn't? What if what Emily was trying to tell me a couple of weeks ago was that if I wasn't going to get with a guy soon, I wasn't welcomed here anymore? I stopped on my tracks thinking about it and my eyes landed on the girl I hate the most at the moment: Megan. I did my best to control my emotions though all I wanted to do what just jump on her and punch the smile off of her face, but I had to accept the fact that I could not do that and endure seeing her talking to Billy, touching his leg as he didn't seem to mind and even smiling at her. What? He couldn't be interested in her, she's a dumb whore! And she's Baggy's sister, isn't that supposed to be an unspoken rule or something? This can't be happening. Am I talking too much?
Anyways, I was not happy. Even less when all the guys turned to us, completely ignoring my presence, and looking straight to Jade whose face was just priceless. Her eyes were wide, her lips were stiff and the side were weirdly pointing down like she was totally disgusted, and she kept glancing between me and them, her eyes saying: please tell me these are not the guys you were talking about. All I could do was give her a small smile and get closer to her so she'd feel more protected, but who was I fooling, I wouldn't even be able to fight a skinny fourteen years old with glasses.
"Hey guys," Emily said, sitting next to her boyfriend on the couch. A couple of them answered and others just nodded. I just stayed there, not really knowing what to do, with Jade next to me. Some of them still stared at us and one finally spoke.
"Who's your friend?" Heco asked, looking at Jade like she was a piece of meat.
"Her name is Jade, she's my cousin, she is sixteen and not interested so don't even think about it," I answered sternly, before everyone who had been listening to us laughed at Heco disappointed face.
"You're sixteen?" Bodie exclaimed, his eyes widening as he looked Jade up and down. Jade nodded and Bodie shook his head, clearly not believing my cousin could be so young. Jade was still a little shocked but some tension seemed to leave her shoulders as I directed her towards the TV, sitting on the two remaining chairs, right next to Megan and Billy. Awesome. I sat next to Megan and let Jade sit next to me so she wouldn't be as far as possible from the bleach blond. I just didn't want to risk them talking to each other, that's all.
"Megan," I saluted her, sitting on my chair.
"Sarah," she replied, smiling widely, her eyes burning my skull as they screamed: in your face, bitch!
"Billy," I saluted him, my voice a little lower now. I was just too uncomfortable, and I bet he noticed. He nodded to me and that's the last conversation I had with him for the rest of the night before he left.
The night went like this:
We watched the game, drank more beers then I thought I could drink. Joe wouldn't speak to me: I drank more. Billy made out with Megan: I drank more. Heco flirted with my cousin: I hit him in the face. Bodie laughed at my lame punch: I spilled beer all over him, than on Heco who I felt hadn't learnt his lesson. Billy left with Megan to some place I didn't want to know the location, though I'm pretty sure it included a bed: I took another beer and drank it. I was furious, confused and hurt and I felt like Billy just made a huge joke out of me, but as the alcohol kept sinking through my veins, I didn't realise it so much. I guess I would the next morning.
When the game was finished, everyone was pretty drunk, even Jade, but I was keeping a very close eye on her to make sure no guy made any sexually related comments, which, needless to say, were pretty numerous. The guys proposed to go to the bar to finish the night, and I would have followed them if I didn't have to talk to Joe alone. I knew this was my last chance to do so, so when everyone left, I told Emily to keep Jade with her and take care of her and that I was going to meet them later. Emily agreed and that's when I made a horrible mistake that I regretted so bad: I turned to Joe and asked him to talk to him alone, in his apartment. Someone kill me right now.
"You look great tonight," Joe told me when we sat on his couch, in his now silent apartment with just the both of us. I smiled shyly, being way too drunk to realise I was actually dressed like any other day and there was nothing special about me that night.
"Thanks," I said in a small voice, feeling uncomfortable being complimented by him all the time. I really didn't want to do this but I knew I had to, but I don't think I was really in the best possession of myself to do so, and before I could say anything, Joe spoke before me.
"Listen, Sarah, before you say anything, I have something to tell you," he told me, and I could feel my heart start beating faster.
"Yes?" I managed to say, though my voice seemed to be stuck in my throat. He sighed, trying to put his thoughts in order before he spoke.
"First, I wanna say I'm sorry for avoiding you this week and tonight, I was just...I don't know, I wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry," he explained. "Sarah, you know I always kid about wanting to get close with you and all, and I'm always fooling around, being with other girls, but..." he stopped himself mid-sentence, his eyes leaving mine as he stared at his hands.
"Joe, please don't do this," I plead to him, and his eyes locked with mine again.
"I have to," he stated. It was my turn to lower my eyes and look away. "Sarah, look at me," he ordered me, but I wouldn't listen. "Sarah," he repeated, sighing as he was getting annoyed by me. I sighed myself and agreed to look at him, but still keeping my head to the side.
"You don't have to say it," I repeated, but he didn't seem to agree. His face grew darker as he looked like he was getting angry at me for refusing to let him talk.
"Yeah, I do," he corrected. He took a deep breath and I felt my heart stop beating as I listened to him. "I love you, Sarah," he said in a whisper, and all I could do was close my eyes.
This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to tell him that he was like a brother to me, that I did love him, but not this way. He mattered to me, I cared for him, but I never considered something could happen between us.
Ok I just lied, I did consider it. I just didn't think it was a good idea, and I realised that's not the future I wanted for our relationship.
"There, I said it," he added, and I opened my eyes again to look at him. He seemed so broken, so devastated to tell me this, knowing I didn't love him back, and I felt really sorry for him. I really wished I could have said the same.
"Aw, Joey," I said, getting closer from him so I could take his hand. "I-I know this sounds stupid and that's really not what you want to hear, but I do love you too. Just... not the way you would want me to," I explained, and couldn't find any other words to justify myself. I still felt dizzy from all the beer I had drank and I didn't really realise what was happening. Joe moved closer to me as well, and if I had been fully there, I would have thought of how close he was now, but I didn't.
"I know you don't feel the same, but if you just gave it a chance," he proposed, and I shook my head vividly, realising afterwards I shouldn't have because everything seemed to be turning in slow motion because of it.
"I don't know," I said, closing my eyes to stop the room from spinning and giving me a headache. I opened them back up to realise Joe's face was ever closer from mine.
"Just try it," he insisted, and I didn't fully understand what he was talking about until he got his face even closer, clearly in the process of kissing me.
"Joe, don't-" was all I could say before his lips met mine. It was soft at first, when I didn't kiss him back, but for some reason that I don't know, I pressed my lips on his. I think it's just a habit of feeling the need to kiss someone back when they kiss you that pushed me to do so, but whatever it is, we were making out on the couch, me being too out of it to understand anything, and Joe clearly taking advantage of the fact I didn't realise what was happening. Now that I think about it, he was basically abusing me, that asshole.
He pushed himself against me even more, deepening the kiss as he forced me to lie down, climbing on top of me, the both of us now lying on the couch. I could feel his hands roaming all over my body, reaching for my butt and my breasts, as his lips left mine to kiss my neck, making a trail of kisses to my shoulder now nude after Joe had pushed the sleeve down to reach it. My eyes now opened, I started to sober up, realising a bit more what I was doing, thinking I had to stop this before it went too far. I gripped Joe's shoulders and pushed him off of me so he was facing me. He was panting and looking at me with a confused expression, wondering why I had done this.
"We need to stop, right now," I told him, horrified of having let this go as far as it did. Joe just looked at me, his face twisting in anger, and this moment of silence made me realise I could hear someone else breathing. Someone else than Joe and I. I turned my head to the right and my eyes fell right into his, as he looked at me with a mix of anger and shock. Joe fallowed my gaze and his eyes widen in terror when he saw him.
"Billy?" he stated, surprised to see him there, thought this was his house, after all. Billy didn't move, he just stayed there, staring at us, standing all tall, his fist tighten, his eyes never leaving mine. I just didn't know what to do, and Joe finally moved off of me and stood up, weirdly staying next to the couch, probably scared to take a step away from it and closer to Billy. I readjusted my clothes, feeling absolutely horrible and easy, so angry at myself for drinking so much. After a while where the three of us just didn't talk, I decided this was way too awkward and spoke.
"I need to go to the bar," I announced, my voice so small I wasn't sure if they heard me. I didn't feel comfortable asking any of them a favour, but there was really no way I was going to let Jade find a way home alone.
"I'll drive you," Joe proposed, his head weirdly down as he was afraid to look at Billy.
"You're not going anywhere," Billy spoke for the first time, and at first I thought he was talking at me, but really he was talking to Joe.
"What? Billy-" he started, now looking at his brother, before he was cut.
"Did I ask for your opinion?" Billy asked, his voice louder than the first time. Joe sighed and looked away, clearly pissed for being bossed around like that. "Wait for me in the car," Billy added, now looking at me. I hesitated a second, then rose from my seat and hurried towards to front door, passing by Billy as I did so. His eyes followed me the whole time and I could still feel them burning holes through my skull when I reached the door and closed it behind me. I walked a couple of steps towards the exit, but stopped myself, coming back from where I had came and stopping next to the door to listen to what was happening. All I could hear was silence, until a loud bang echoed in the room, quickly followed by a grunt and the sound of someone falling. Billy had just punched Joe.
"What the fuck was that for?" I heard Joe shout, probably holding his face where Billy had hit him.
"That was for being a desperate dumb fuck trying to fuck her while she's drunk!" Billy's voice replied, now screaming at his little brother. "Don't you fucking get it? She doesn't want you, Joe! She never did!" he added, a little lower now. That was harsh; even I wouldn't have said that. But the guy did try to fuck me while I couldn't think straight.
"Why do you fucking care, Billy?" Joe asked, not having anything else to say to contradict him.
"Joey, what the hell goes through you mind? You think you can fucking force girls into sleepin' with you? Her, of all the bitches you can find, the one you actually like? You're one crazy motherfucker, bro." Billy explained, trying to justify his attitude. "You think she'd just wake up tomorrow mornin' and wouldn't remember what you did? God damn it, Joe, what am I gonna do with you?" he added in a desperate tone. I heard Joe sigh before he spoke.
"Ah, man. She's gonna kill me, or worse, she'll never talk to me again," Joe said, his voice a little lower so I had to bring my head closer to the door to hear it.
"Don't be such a fucking pussy now, man up and get over it," Billy's voice answered with no pity.
"Fuck you," I heard Joe reply.
"What'd you say?" Billy asked, his voice getting angrier.
"I said: Fuck you!" Joe repeated, before I heard another bang, followed by another grunt. Second punch. "Jesus, Billy, you fucking cut my lip!" Joe exclaimed.
"Ya asked for it," Billy explained, his voice now normal after his anger had flew away with the punch. I heard Joe mumbled insanities under his breath, before Billy spoke again. "Now listen to me, you stay away from her and you don't touch her again or I'll cut your balls myself, we clear?" he ask sternly, and I could feel shivers run down my spine just by thinking of the look he probably had on his face right now. "We clear?" Billy asked again, louder.
"Yeah," Joe spoke, but I could tell by his voice he wasn't really happy about agreeing to this.
"Good. Now sit your ass down and wait for me to get back," he ordered Joe again, and I took that as my cue to leave my hiding spot and walked quickly towards the exit. I reached the front door and embraced the warm night without taking the time to appreciate it because I had to get to Billy's car in time.
I got in the car just in time to see Billy come out of the apartment building, tension leaving my shoulders as I realised he hadn't noticed I'd been listening. He stopped when he got to the car and sighed deeply before getting in, sitting in the driver's seat before closing the door. He passed a hand on his head and turned to me, fixing his eyes on me. He didn't move, didn't even turn on the engine, he just stared at me, so I finally turned my head to him. He had still his eyes on me, of course, but his stare was one I had never seen before. He was angry, that's for sure, but not just angry, crazy angry, like I wouldn't have been surprise if his eyes had popped out of his head right then, as he could have destroyed the steering wheel because of how firmly he was holding on to it. I felt my heart stop beating as I swallowed, getting myself closer to my door to be as far as possible away from him.
"What?" I finally asked, getting annoyed of him looking at me without doing anything. Probably analysing if it was better to shoot me or rip my throat out, who knows. His eyes widened, thought I didn't know that could be possible, and he looked away from me, probably trying to gain composure as he seemed to be two seconds away from exploding.
"What?" he repeated, speaking like he couldn't believe I had said that. He turned back to me, his nostrils flaring and his hands even tighter on the steering wheel. "I'll tell you what: you almost fucked my brother!" he shouted, and I backed away even more.
"He jumped on me!" I defended, not believing he could accuse me for this.
"Oh yeah? Why were you kissing him back then?" he asked, looking at me like what I was saying was stupid. I didn't have the time to answer before he spoke again. "Actually, why do you always fucking kiss people and then push them away the second after? This is not the first time that's happened," he continued, and I laughed in disbelief, horrified at his attitude towards me after fucking some stupid slut five minutes ago.
"This was completely different! I didn't want to kiss Joe, I never wanted to kiss Joe and I don't like him," I explained, before I hated myself the second I said it. I had just confessed to Billy I wanted to kiss him and truly liked him, thanks to alcohol, right after making out with his brother. "But that's not the point," I added quickly, refusing to let him comment on what I had just said. "The point is, I didn't push him back for the same reason, and since you don't know any of the reasons making me push you and Joe back, you don't know what you're talking about, so stop," I continued. Billy raised an eyebrow, confused on what I had just said, and opened his mouth to say something, but I stopped him again. "And you have nothing to say because you fucked Megan!" I exclaimed, as Billy's face went from confusion to anger again.
"Is Megan your sister?" he asked, insinuation it wasn't as bad because I didn't have the same relationship with Megan than him with Joe.
"No, but I hate her!" I explained, thought I couldn't picture how he could have not noticed it. I bet he did, and that's exactly why it was her he slept with.
"You pushed me away in the first place," he repeated, justifying having sex with another girl.
"You were making out with some slut right before me," I replied, not believing what he was trying to do: he wanted to make me believe that it was my fault he ended up fucking Megan. What a moron. "Are you trying to make me believe kissing me meant more to you than kissing her?" I added, and Billy looked away, refusing to meet my eyes.
"Doesn't matter now 'cause I don't go where my brother's been," he commented, and my mouth dropped instantly, horrified of what he had just said. That really hurt. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes in a second and my heart break into tiny little pieces. I couldn't believe he said that, telling me I was just one of those girls passing between them, one of those pair of legs he didn't give a shit about. He couldn't even consider being with me because Joe had touched me? This was just total bullshit, and only a cold hearted bastard could bring that kind of bullshit. And that's exactly what Billy is.
I turned my head away from him, refusing to let him see it got to me, and I heard him turn on the engine, but not start driving.
"Sarah, I-" he started, but I wouldn't let him finish.
"Just drive me to the bar," I ordered, and I heard him sigh beside me before he started rolling, and the rest of the drive was silent.
