Edward had been the one to speak, but both brothers hadn't registered well what Roy said, which left the older man somewhat bemused at the silence that followed that simple word. "I wouldn't have Hughes's death any other way, for that was the most befitting way for him to end. I can't imagine anything else taking him away than his recklessness in his attempts to help others. Most certainly not old age."
"But if I hadn't been there... if I hadn't been causing trouble, he'd still be here!" Edward said, frenzy growing in his voice as his confusion grew further and further.
"Nothing guarantees that." Roy pointed out to the seemingly distressed young boy who was looking for arguments to prove everything was his fault. He had a point, but Edward still couldn't agree.
"Even if that were true, doesn't it even slightly disgusts you to be standing in front of the person who got him killed?! I took away a father from his family!"
"Did you stab him?" Roy simply asked and when Edward hesitantly shook his head, he got closer to grab the metal arm Edward would occasionally transmute into a blade while Edward struggled to get it out of Roy's grasp. "Then surely, if it wasn't premeditated, it wasn't "your fault" as you say it."
"Weren't you you liste–"
"Admittedly, that is somewhat the case; you two are to blame. But not in the way you think because you didn't cause Hughes's direct death despite having a part of responsibility in his death. Most certainly not enough to pin it entirely on yourselves, though." He looked at Alphonse as well whom he realised was playing the self-blaming game as well. The words were therefore directed towards both but in the end, he was not one to sugar-coat things for the Elrics or anyone else.
"So what? Are you going to continue sulking around while ignoring us? With your brother's body and your own on the line, are you going to continue just looking back and telling yourself that if you hadn't been there, things would have been better rather than look ahead and continue trying to make them better?"
"You're a royal pain in the ass." Roy quickly resumed before Edward could get anything out. "Rude, reckless, borderline idiotic despite being a genius, and I could go on and on. But the fact that the actions influenced by those traits led to bad consequences doesn't mean it inherently makes you a bad person."
"Yes it does! Because I was fully aware that this was dangerous!"
"Fullmetal, an entire soldier's life is filled with danger. I allowed your research well-aware that this might happen at some point." Roy pointed out as he leaned in closer to speak right in his face with his usual cool-headedness. "Do you have the time to play the game of languish as some sort of twisted atonement? You have a goal, don't you?"
"I don't want people to die on me because of it, and especially not those who helped me get back up! I want to give back to Al what's rightfully his, but I don't want people I know to die for that goal! I just..." Edward chewed on his lip, as a specific part was left unsaid. '….don't want to be left all alone'.
It was painfully obvious to Roy and Alphonse from the earlier outburst but to Edward, that was a pathetically selfish thing to think when he had been the cause of another person's death, yet he just couldn't stop worrying about whether his actions would really isolate him to a point of no return. That's why he wouldn't say it.
"You can't keep going on the what ifs, nor can you keep trying to look for the non-existent, idealistic answer that will salvage everyone. You're a dog of the military, you're supposed to know that these things will happen on the path you've chosen, that's something all soldiers are aware of and accepted. Loss is nothing a soldier isn't used to."
"Then why did you drink yourself to sleep yesterday, if it's as easy as you make it sound like?!" Edward hissed, revealing the fact that he had indeed been in his office while he was sleeping.
"That's..." Roy wasn't sure how to reply, perhaps it had just been a complete coincidence that he found himself drinking that night, or it hadn't been and he just was reminded too much of his best friend's death. He loosened his grip on Edward's arm, slightly ashamed of having shown such a pathetic side of himself. "...a habit. A miserable habit for miserable adults meant to facilitate acceptance, Fullmetal. I never said it was easy, but that habit is not something I want you to understand."
Edward stayed speechless at Roy's insinuation that it was hard on him too, considering the man would rarely ever open up.
"Listen to me, because I am not going to repeat myself any further: The Lieutenant and I knew that this would happen eventually either to him or to us just as much as you should know it. If you let the fear of endangering others control you, then go ahead." Roy nodded in the direction of Alphonse. "Tell Alphonse you're giving up on retrieving his body." Edward only growled audibly at the idea and looked like he really wanted to spit on Roy, if there was one person he couldn't fail then it was Alphonse.
"I warned you when you joined the military and even after, Fullmetal. The path you've chosen is a ruthless one that will break you repeatedly; one that you'll need to force through to get to your goals regardless of what happens. Sacrifices will be there, whether you accept that or not."
Roy tightened his grip once more on the metal limb while he was reminded of Nina Tucker's death; Edward had had a really bad time accepting her death even back then, didn't he?
"Will you abandon your kid brother in favour of your own personal feelings? What have you spent the last three years working on? You said yourself you didn't mind being a dog of the military as long as you could each your goals; you should know after all this time that you can't let this get to you.
So which will it be, Fullmetal? Abandon your brother or persevere until the day you can handshake a farewell to the military with your flesh hand, with your brother by your side?"
"Brother, I'm at fault too so don't try to tone me out to take the entirety of the blame." Alphonse finally said kindly as he approached Edward to put a hand on his metal arm as well. "We can't feel anything like this, can we? So we need to fix these mistakes together, Brother."
"Al... Colonel..."
They were right, and Edward knew it as he observed the hands that were on his arm that could feel nothing. But even then, it didn't make the pain of Hughes's death lessen so he stared at Roy with a regretful look at first.
"Don't tell me you're going to give up."
"Have a bit more faith in us and in your brother, Fullmetal, we're not going to just leave you suddenly." Roy insisted by gripping the prosthetic limb tighter.
But as the seconds passed his eyes slowly filled up with determination as he remembered what Gracia told him.
Then...
"If you two give up here, it'd mean my husband's death was completely meaningless."
Edward breathed in and looked at his superior with the determination the older man had been waiting for. "...It's fine if I just hold on to these negative feelings until I can prove his death wasn't uselessly lost by my hands, right?"
"Our hands, Brother." Alphonse reminded with a tap on his brother's arm before letting go, while Edward only returned a smile.
"If that's how you want to think of it." Roy let go of him with a satisfied smirk, he knew the pain of loss was still hard on teenagers so it's not like he was asking Edward to ignore those feelings entirely. Edward slightly grinned as a genuine laugh slipped out. "I do need to show your pompous ass who's the boss, anyway." He replied in his usual cocky manner that befitted him much better than glooming around.
"Boss, huh." Roy moved away from Edward as the boy followed along in an attempt to hit him after his next sentence. "Of dwarves, maybe."
"Ngah...! Why you, all the time...!"
"Brother, don't lurch right in the Colonel to hit him!" Alphonse had said too late to catch and hold Edward back, however Roy unexpectedly stopped in his tracks causing the boy to bump against his sturdy frame rather than hit him.
"..Wha! Hey!"
"Fullmetal, Alphonse." He started without turning around to face the annoyed Edward, making him grow as intensely curious as his brother regarding why his superior would stop so suddenly to call out to them. "If it comes to a point where what you're doing is really uselessly sacrificing others..." Roy resumed his walk as he got away from Edward.
"Then I will set you straight myself."
"Colonel..." Alphonse replied in surprise, not expecting Roy to take responsibility of him as well.
"..." Edward stood there speechless as he saw the back of his commanding officer retreating amidst the rain. Perhaps Roy could be a decent person once in a while, after all. "Colonel... thanks." He muttered while Alphonse was thankful no one could see his grin. Edward was uncertain of whether Roy had heard, but if he hadn't then he would not go through the embarrassment of saying it again. Roy had heard however but showed no indications of such and only kept a slight smile to himself.
"Move forward on the path you're content with."
"Man, my automail is killing me..." Edward groaned as he dragged his limbs along.
"That's your own fault and... Brother, are you okay? You look paler than usual under this weather." Alphonse mentioned suddenly as they both resumed walking to catch up to the Colonel. Edward returned a confused glance to him.
"Huh? I'm fine..." So he had thought, but was proven otherwise as his left leg suddenly gave out on him and he crashed to the muddy ground, his face gradually reddening from more than the embarrassing thing he'd just said. "...or not."
"Brother!"
Roy turned back in time to see Alphonse crying out in worry to his older brother and sat on his knees near Edward to put his hand on the boy's forehead since Alphonse couldn't do so himself. Of course, Edward tried to push him away but he seemingly couldn't even muster the strength to do so and that was quite worrying. It seems he had gotten an unfortunate mixture of a cold added to his already aching limbs.
"Look at what you've done, you idiot. You're burning up." Roy complained as he got back up while Alphonse started carrying his brother. "We're going to have to return to my apartment."
"No way in hell, I'm fine." Edward scowled a complaint in returned as he lightly tried to shove his brother off. "You're sick and I'm not trusting you to take care of yourself. It's great that you can't get rid of me as easily as your brother, right?" Roy simply replied.
"Oh, shaddup..." Edward groaned as he fought to not fall unconscious right there and then. However that fight was lost and the last thing he could remember was Alphonse anxiously harassing the Colonel with questions as they set him down in the passenger seat.
… "...ther!" …
