Chapter 9

"Oh." Ianto's heart felt like lead in his chest as he pictured his last minutes and he shuddered involuntarily. He squeezed Jack's hand tightly, trying to express something he couldn't put words to.

"Yeah," Jack shut his eyes and concentrated on the warm, vibrant body he was holding onto and not the pale, lifeless figure that haunted his dreams.

"I'd have thought it was some sort of death bed etiquette to reciprocate." Ianto suggested semi-facetiously. He wanted to ask Jack why he'd not said it back, but wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, even if he wasn't ever going to remember this conversation. So he resorted to being flippant as a defence.

"Like I said - I was being an ass. I couldn't face the fact that I was losing you. Denial I guess." Jack dared to look up into Ianto's eyes that were looking slightly red and beginning to water with unshed tears, much like his own. "I despised myself for not giving you that comfort. All I was concerned about was that you were leaving me alone, that I would have to keep fighting without you at my side. I was such a selfish bastard. I never gave you the peace of mind you deserved. And it was my fault – I was to blame for you dying the way you did."

Jack scrubbed away the tears from his eyes angrily, still bitter about the way Ianto had been struck down so fast that he'd been caught off guard, unable to do anything to either prevent his death or to comfort him.

"Oh Jack, what are you doing still beating yourself up over it after all this time?" Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack and crushed him to his chest. "It's not like an early death due to Torchwood is going to come as a shock to me. Besides, you've made it clear enough that what we have is strictly on a day by day basis, no long term plans or commitments neither of us can fulfil. I know I'm on borrowed time. I know there's not going to be any happy ever after for me."

Ianto was all too aware that he'd dodged the bullet several times already, from the nightmare of Canary Wharf to Jack's very own threat to execute him when he found out about Lisa, not to mention innumerable other close encounters with the Grim Reaper. If he was going to die young, at least now he knew he wasn't going to be alone, Jack was going to there with him and that was … that was alright. Ianto focused on storing away that fact, even if he forgot the words he wanted to hold onto that knowledge. He breathed in and out slowly, telling himself it would be alright. He just had to let Jack know he accepted that, then maybe Jack could move on and forgive himself for whatever role he'd had in the events yet to come.

"One of my most stupid mistakes ever was thinking that if I avoided commitment it would hurt less when I you. Trust me, Ianto, despite what you may think now or in the future, you never were a blip in time to me."

Leaning up to cup Ianto's face in his hands, Jack kissed him, slowly and deeply, reinforcing his words, making sure that Ianto understood what he was saying. As he broke away he felt Ianto reach out to hold him still so he could try to figure out what was going on in Jack's mind. The blue grey depths of Ianto's eyes peered into Jack's soul and sought out what other pain was lingering there.

"What else is bothering you, Jack? I know there were lovers before me and I imagine there have been plenty since. I'm not stupid. I've seen you grieve them. When Estelle was killed I saw you mourn for her, but you got over it, it's how you have to be to cope. I know it sounds harsh, but it's what you do, get over us and move on. This isn't just about me is it?"

"There haven't been many I could actually talk to, not like you, Ianto, you accepted me, faults and all." Jack reached up to brush the hair from Ianto's forehead, wanting to let him know that, although one of many, he'd meant more to him than most. "But you're right – there's more. I was leader of Torchwood in Cardiff for … such a short time, no time at all really… and the team I picked, the people who gave me their hearts and souls, they all died horribly because of me … all so young, too young …and every single death was my damn fault."

"All of us?" Ianto whispered, shocked at the revelation. It was one thing to contemplate his own death, another to think of his friends also dying before their time.

Jack had always known that there was only one person he could possibly talk to about any of this, only one man who wouldn't judge him, who'd listen and be there for him, no matter what he said. All through the bad times, when he'd had to make unpopular decisions, choices that the others hated him for, Ianto had been there at the end of the day, prepared to hold him and accept him for all his many faults. Since he'd lost Ianto he'd never let anyone else in that way, that's why he had this burden gnawing away inside of him, eating away at his immortal soul. No wonder he hurt so damn much.

"Yeah, Suzie early on and then Tosh, Owen and … and you." Jack paused to wipe his face with his hand, denying himself the luxury of tears, before continuing. "Everyone except Gwen. I have no idea how she survived, but she did – she even managed to raise a family."

"But that's brilliant that is." Ianto grinned, despite the tears that were threatening to spill from his own eyes and clutched Jack's hand to his chest.

"How can you say that? Knowing I get the rest of you killed, how can you be so happy for her?"

"Well, for one, I bet Rhys will make an awesome dad." Ianto's words were slightly slurred indicating that the retcon was beginning to take effect. Then his voice took on a wistful tone as he imagined the type of parents that Gwen and Rhys would make. "I wish my dad had been like Rhys."

"So do I – dammit Ianto, you deserved so much better. I let you down, I should have looked after all of you better than I did." Taking a deep breath, Jack readied himself to let Ianto in on one more cause of his deep self hatred. "The Doctor never let me forget that, you know… he never let me forget that when others give you their undying loyalty you owe it to them to protect them at all costs. He wouldn't let me travel with him afterwards, refused to let me in the damn TARDIS … told me I was a monster. Eventually he did forgive me, even set me up with some kid he thought was my type, but he never let me forget."

"Bastard," Ianto spat out the word with venom, He didn't care if the Doctor was revered and had saved the planet umpteen times, he was still an arrogant arsehole. Whatever it had been that Jack had done, he was certain the Doctor had probably done as bad – he'd read the records at Torchwood One.

"No, Ianto." Jack shook his head sadly. "I deserved his anger."

"I still think he's a bastard and a bloody hypocrite," grumbled Ianto as he gathered Jack up in his arms and comforted him, stroking his back, letting the other man hold onto him so tight, that he knew there'd be bruises on his arms in the morning and he didn't care.

"You've been bottling this up for so long, bloody hell, no wonder you're such a basket case." Ianto kissed Jack softly on the lips. "Maybe you should've come out of the shadows sooner-"

"No I shouldn't, Ianto. I should've known better – I've screwed everything up now."

"I don't understand –"

"As soon as I interacted with you – I changed things. I affected you and the ripples are spreading out."

Jack reluctantly pulled himself free from Ianto's arms, sat up in the bed and put his head in his hands.

"You're talking about time distortions, yes?" Ianto thought hard and tried to work through the fuzziness creeping into his head. "So, you're thinking that if you change how I act … and that affects what happens when I get back to Cardiff… then I might change the future even if I don't remember this conversation."

Jack nodded in response. Even suffering the after effects of retcon on top of more than half a bottle of wine, a large brandy and a quick jaunt through time, Ianto Jones was still remarkably perceptive.

"Shit." Ianto let his head fall back onto the nest of pillows he'd built up earlier. "What's the worst case scenario then? Jack? What is it? It can't be that bad surely?"

"Yes, dammit, it could. You have no idea."

"Of course I've got no idea, because you won't tell me!"

"The worst thing might actually be you not dying," Jack's voice broke as he said what had been bothering him, ever since he'd had the first dizzy spell. "If I don't act like such an arrogant, careless bastard, I might not lead you to your death… but because of that I might not react the way I did and millions could die."

"Oh, I get it – 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one', to quote Spock." Ianto bit his lower lip as he worked on the scant details that Jack had given him and came up with the conclusion that in order for Jack to save the day he had to die.

"Something like that," Jack placed a hand on Ianto's shoulder, just to make contact once more. Of course this man, of all people, would understand the ramifications of any choices Jack would have to make.

"And you think the timelines are damaged already?"

"Yeah –the time vortex inside me responds when time is changed – I feel it, kinda like turbulence inside my head."

"Those dizzy spells you've been getting?" Ianto shut his eyes against the sensation of disorientation he was starting to experience for himself, if he couldn't see the light fittings swaying from side to side it would help.

"Yeah, they've been getting worse. I think time's shifting. I've changed things, very slightly, but enough to cause changes, what I'm feeling is like the furthest ripples."

"What happens to you when the rest of the ripples catch up with you?"

"Not sure – the last time I went through a paradox and came out the other side it was as if time had been rewound back to the point at which time diverged, but I remembered everything." Jack frowned. He'd never quite understood how that had worked, but it had been as if the time vortex inside him had been anchored to that of the TARDIS.

"So you would disappear then?"

"Maybe …" Jack shrugged. He really didn't know, although he suspected that his status as a fixed point in time might actually defy the laws of physics.

"Which would mean you wouldn't be here... and then... then... nothing will change?" Ianto was struggling to string sentences together as he felt the sedative in the retcon finally exert its effects.

"I don't know. Paradoxes – only ever met one man who understood them and he created plenty."

Jack shuffled down the bed until he was lying next to Ianto once more and carefully turned him onto his side so that he was lying half way across Jack's body. He didn't want to let him lose consciousness while lying on his back.

"Right … so that whole treading on a butterfly thing is true then?" Ianto muttered into Jack's chest.

"Yeah." Jack considered that this was the reason the Doctor had never trusted him with a working vortex manipulator, he'd known that Jack didn't have the guts to walk away and let nature take its course.

"But there's no way of knowing how much effect it will have is there? We might have just trod on a bit of its wing or a leg ... you know what I mean..."

"Yeah, I know what you're trying to say. You're right, it could be just a minor fluctuation, that will iron itself out –"

"Like a... crinkle... wrinkle in time?" Ianto looked up at Jack hopefully.

"Yeah – but it could also be a tiny tear leading to a huge rip. I just don't know."

"But what have we done to make that happen?" Ianto muttered as sleep eventually claimed him.

"I have no idea." Jack kissed Ianto gently as he felt him falling asleep in his arms.