Another chapter yay! I will have you know I am spitting these out because of the lovely reviews…and because I am currently snowed in. In this chapter I have a little surprise with you but again this is by no means a magical cure for Kensi. And I am no doctor.

Enjoy.

I Want To Go Let Me Go

Chapter 9

Amy's P.O.V

I am sitting at the nurses station when noon strikes. So I get up and walk to Marty Deeks' room, the sight and smell of Kensi's blood still tainting my every thought. I am so consumed with checking his vitals and the image of her blood that I almost miss his voice.

"Where am I?" it is quiet and scratchy but there…

"Mr. Deeks? You are in the hospital…" he grunts and goes to sit up. He looks around and I know who he is looking for.

"Kensi…what…how…"

"Mr. Deeks…"

"Just Deeks, please." I nod.

"Deeks, you have been in a coma for almost three and half months, until a week ago you were considered a John Doe…"

"John…Doe… oh god Kensi, I have to find her, tell her I didn't mean…I didn't know…."

"Mr. Deeks," I say sharply and wait till her looks at me. "About a week ago Kensi came in…"

"Did she thing I was dead?" I nod. "Why was she in the hospital?"

"She came in because she had a miscarriage due to Malnutrition and sleep-deprivation…then…umm…" I stumble over my words wondering whether I should tell him the next bit of information.

"Then what?" he growls as he shakily throws his legs over the side of the bed.

"She tried to kill herself, she thought you would hate her…"

"I could never hate her…where is she?" I grab the wheelchair.

"Sit, I will take you to her.

Sam's P.O.V

I sit at Kensi's bedside once again trying to keep the images of a broken Blye out of my mind…but they are persistent, they just keep coming back…

When Amy moves out of the way I see her, Kensi's head is leaned back, facing the ceiling, a bloody razor by her feet. But it is her forearms that command my attention, the yelling of Amy lost amongst my so many questions…

Her forearms a slick with blood…still streaming, her face is pale, her chest barely moving…Kensi is dying…Kensi wanted to die…

Now looking at her, she is still pale and unconscious, I am still trying to wrap my mind around the devastating idea that she tried to kill herself, Julia runs in with Nell right behind her.

"How is she, how is my daughter?" she stops when she sees the white bandages that are seeping red wrapped around her daughters forearms.

"She is going to be fine, but she did lose a lot of blood…" I am interrupted by a groan coming from Kensi.

We all stand around her bed careful not to touch her. "Kens?" Nell speaks which causes Kensi's eyes to fly open, panic setting in clearly in her mismatched eyes.

"No…" she mumbles and she tries to tear at the bandages covering her wounds. Her words cutting into my heart deeply. "No…please, I want to go…let me go…you won't miss me…."

I turn and look when she says that, her face accepting the lies her distraught mind is feeding her heart. "Kensi, are you nuts we will all miss you…Deeks will mis…"

"NO!" she yells. "No he hates me…please just let me die…I want to die," she cries as Amy walks in, pausing for a second at the strong female agents words pushing a very awake and familiar shaggy Detective…

Deeks' P.O.V

The short walk towards Kensi's room I think that the Nurse can't be right…My Badass Blye is too strong to even consider sui…nope…but when we are close enough to her room I hear the very familiar voice of Kensi riddled with distraught and pain.

"No…please, I want to go…let me go…you won't miss me…." My heart breaks, how could she think that we won't miss her, we need her… "NO!" she yells. "No he hates me…please just let me die…I want to die," that is when we walk into the room Sam catching sight of me first but I only have eyes for Kensi, clawing at the reddening bandages on her forearms…

I stand up from the wheelchair and shuffle towards her bed catching Nell and Julia's attention but I only see her…her eyes closed tightly. "Kens…Kensi…" she doesn't respond or even acknowledge that she hears me. "Fern," I say strongly her eyes fly open and lock onto mine. I smile but she pushes me away.

'No, you aren't real…you will hate me…no,no, please no….do not touch me" I watch as she is consumed by an Afghanistan flashback…

"Back up all of you, she is having a flashback," I turn back to her as she moves her head back and forth. "You're home Fern, remember, I brought you home to me…'

"I'm a whore…please don't touch me, I won't do it again I swear…" he eyes are still glazed over as she mutters things I have heard over and over again in the months after we returned from Afghanistan.

"No you are not…" I took a deep breath before repeating my mantra when she was in a flashback. "You are a beautifully strong woman Fern, everything they said to be wrong…a lie. You are home with me…I saved you just like you saved me. Come back to me Fern, please…" I rest my forehead against hers as I watch her eyes clear.

However unlike before, her eyes don't clear up and turn to love and thankfulness, instead the haze is replaced by pain and self-hatred. She pushes me back away from her. "You hate me…

"I could never hate you Fern…I love you…"

"I lost our child…you will hate me…resent me…" I shake my head a reach out to touch her but she pulls back. "Do not touch me…." I pull back and merely sit on the side of her bed my head hung.

"I will get you through this Kensi, I swear to you, this…" I lightly trace the bandages and her lower abdomen. "Doesn't make me love you any less, just all that much more, if that is even possible. You were hurting Kensi and for that I am so so sorry." I stand up and lean down a kiss her cheek slightly before sitting in the chair by her bed. "I will save you again, I will always save you," and just like that I lean forward and fall asleep, being a coma can take a toll on one's body.

-A. Grayson