Spoilers for the most recent episode, The White Whale. I think this ties in pretty well with the story, and I wanted to post this before my next update. Standard disclaimer, I don't own Chicago Fire, and I'm not making any money off of this.


All it cost Casey out of the whole ordeal was five hundred dollars to get his truck out of impound.

He had to borrow it from Kelly.

He also didn't tell Kelly about the half pill he took later that day, to take the edge off and ease the massive headache he was quickly developing. He was also pretty sure Kelly knew.

The first shift back after that ordeal was quiet and uneventful, at least at first. Stella had brought donuts in from this new place down the street from her apartment, and everyone was running on a sugar and caffeine high. Kelly heard the klaxons go off and the Truck and Ambulance was dispatched to a injured person in the park call, and he didn't really think anything of it. In fact, Kelly's mind was so far away, worrying about Matt and just how far down the pit he was that he forgot all about the call. That is, until later when he heard, secondhand, the radio chatter about what had happened to Matt.

The details were a little fuzzy, but it was clear he had been injured somehow. Kelly waited in the engine bay, hoping to God that the Squad didn't get dispatched before the Truck, and Matt returned to the station.

Kelly jumped up from the squad table when Truck 81 and Ambulance 61 rolled back into the engine bay. He stood with his hands shoved into his pockets as Matt hopped out of the Truck, looking a little slower and unsteadier than he had been earlier that morning.

"Casey. What the hell happened out there?" Kelly moved towards Matt as he stripped off his turnout coat. He saw the bandage on Matt's neck, and his heart jolted for a second.

Matt clenched his eyes shut and rubbed his temples like he had the beginnings of a headache. He groaned. "Stupid kids in the park playing with roman candles. Some kid practically blew his whole hand off. To top it off, after seeing that happen to their friend, the kids are still in the field shooting off rockets at each other." He stopped and took a deep breath. Kelly saw sweat beading on Matt's forehead. "This stupid fucking kid just shot a roman candle off in our direction and," Matt stopped and looked up at Kelly, his eyes wide and scared. "It hit me in the neck."

Kelly watched as Matt's face started to crumple, then smooth out again. "I don't know, Kelly. I'm not feeling so great, I think I'm just going to go to my room and lay down for a minute." He turned away quickly from Kelly.

"I'll come with you, bud."

To Kelly's surprise, Matt didn't protest as Kelly followed him through the firehouse to the officers' quarters. The blinds were already drawn in Matt's room. Kelly shut the door quietly behind them and pulled the chair from Matt's desk over to the bed where Matt had collapsed on the edge, shrinking under the weight of everything. Kelly sat as close as he could to Matt while still sitting in the chair, and waited a beat. His head was in his hands, and Kelly could hear him taking labored breaths and sniffing.

"Talk to me. What's going on inside your head, bud."

Matt sobbed out a ragged breath. "It's going to come for me again, Kelly."

Kelly's insides froze, but he tried to put on a facade of calm. "What do you mean?" He knew damn well what Matt meant.

"You know like in Final Destination? Those kids have a near miss but it turns out they were supposed to die, so death starts chasing them around? That's what's happening to me."

"Case, death is not following you around like that. I promise you."

"I mean it was supposed to be my time and somehow I dodged it." Matt choked out. "I'm still here, and can't help thinking still that I'm not supposed to be." He reached for his neck bandage gingerly. "That roman candle could have hit my eyes, another few inches the other way it could have done a lot more damage." He pulled off the tape and lifted the bandage to show Kelly. The bandage had become soaked with blood even though the wound had stopped actively bleeding. Kelly leaned in to get a closer look. His fingers ghosted the skin several inches around the wound, and he tipped Matt's head closer to him gingerly with his other hand. The wound was on Matt's neck, an angry burn that radiated heat all around it. His fingers rasped against Matt's skin. He had obviously shaved that morning, but the blade had to have been dull. Up close, he could see short stubble and razor burn. Kelly noticed a few spots where Matt had nicked himself.

Kelly looked at Matt's hands. They were shaking just as much as they had been the past few days. His hands had probably been shaking so badly, he couldn't even hold them still long enough to shave. Maybe it was a good thing he had a dull razor, Kelly thought.

Matt's throat bobbed. "When it hit me, I don't know what I thought happened. I think maybe I had a flashback and thought it was a gunshot or something. I mean, I don't know if it was a blackout, or a flashback, or what. But I checked out for a couple of seconds, I know that."

He stopped for a second, trying to take deep breaths. Matt licked his dry lips and shut his eyes tightly. "I tried to duck, Kelly, but it got me. I'm probably overreacting. It's not that big of a deal, really, it should heal up in no time. It's just," Matt shivered and dug at his eyes with his fists. The action was so childlike and innocent looking that Kelly's heart ached.

"I'm thinking about putting in for some personal leave. Just to clear my head and try to get myself back to normal. I don't know if I can keep working while trying to deal with this. I can't be losing it while on shift, not when there are other people counting on me to keep them safe. I have lives in my hands, Kelly. I have to get my head screwed on straight."

Matt looked up at Kelly, his eyes deep blue teary pools. Kelly didn't know what to say.

"You know better than anyone what you need, Matt. I can't tell you what to do. I agree with you that you need to take some time off to deal with this. Otherwise it's going to fester. But you have to make that choice, no one can choose for you."

"I already have the paperwork, I just have to fill them out and submit them to Boden. I just don't know if I want to go through with it." Matt sighed and rested his hands on his knees. "I think I should. I need to. Knowing I need to do something and actually doing it are two enormously different things."

Kelly nodded in agreement. "You know I'm right there with you, whatever you want to do with this."

"Thanks, Kelly. I know you got my back."

Kelly reached beside him where he had swiped a first aid kit from the engine bay on his way through to the officer's quarters. He gingerly replaced a bandage and taped it to Matt's neck, loose enough to breathe, but tightly enough to keep everything together.

"There you go, bud. Make sure you keep that dry. Change it out later, okay?" Kelly clasped the first aid kit shut.

"Maybe you should be a paramedic, Kelly. You missed your true calling." A small smile curved Matt's lips.

Kelly laughed, then threaded his fingers through one of Matt's hands. "You know I'm here, whatever you need, right? I feel like I shouldn't have to say it, but then again," Kelly hesitated. "You're going to get through this. You're going to get through this shift, too. I'm right here with you, and I know you can do it."

Matt stared at Kelly. He looked pale, and so tired that Kelly felt the ache of Matt's tiredness in his own bones. "Kelly, I..."

They were interrupted by the klaxons dispatching squad to a motor vehicle accident, and Kelly stood up, almost as if someone had snuck up on them. "You take it as easy as you can, okay? I'll check up on you as soon as I can." He opened the door and hustled through the room until he disappeared through the other doorway.

Matt sat staring at his still shaking hands. This would have to stop eventually. He would make it stop.

Matt made it the whole shift without pills. It would be these next forty-eight hours that would be a challenge.

TBC