A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has been following the story, especially to those of you who have left me reviews with your thoughts and opinions. I enjoy each and every one and I have responded to you all. If I missed you, it was purely an oversight on my part and I apologize.
If you haven't already, follow me on Facebook under LisaDawn75 and on Twitter (at) LisaDawn75, where I've been posting pictures and teasers for upcoming chapters! It's a good way to find out what's going to happen ahead of time, plus I really do enjoy talking with people who are reading my stories. I love to hear what you have to say about them.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Twilight, that is all owned by the great Stephenie Meyer. I only own the idea for this story and Ben.
"Bella, how are you?" Carlisle asked, his face a mask of composure.
She smiled at him tremulously. "I'm good. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous."
He nodded in understanding. "I can understand that. Remember, you can always cha-"
"I'm not going to change my mind," she said firmly, interrupting. "I've talked to Ben, and he's doing fine with Rose and Esme. I have a goal, so I'm not going to let the newborn phase last long. I will gain control."
Carlisle smiled at her. "I have no doubt. I'll be honest, though, I've never done this with anyone who was able to make the choice. It's always been when one of my family was at death's door. This will be different."
Bella nodded. "Yeah, a bit."
"It's experimental, that's all I can say. I'm hoping that if we give you enough morphine, it will help with the pain of the transformation."
She blanched slightly at the mention of pain, but she was not going to change her mind. "I understand. Load me up, doc," she joked weakly.
Carlisle followed Edward and Bella into the bedroom, which had been dimmed. He started an IV in her hand and flushed it before preparing the morphine syringe. "Any last words?" he asked with a smile.
Now that the moment was here, Bella was nervous. She did not enjoy pain, and from what she had been told, she was getting ready to suffer the motherload of all pain. But it would be worth it. Edward. Her prize was Edward. "Just make sure that Ben knows how much I love him, and that I'll be home soon for him."
He nodded. "I will."
"And make sure Charlie doesn't think something horrible has happened to me. Tell him I'm sick or something. I don't want him to worry too much."
"Sure."
She took a shaky breath. "I guess this is it. Edward, promise you'll go through with it."
He nodded, his face grim.
"And remember, no matter what happens, this is what I want," she said to him earnestly. "So if something goes wrong, remember that, and don't blame yourself."
Edward cupped her face in his hands and kissed her firmly on the lips. "Nothing's going to go wrong. Carlisle and I are both here, and everything will be just fine."
"Well, if it doesn't –"
He put a finger over her lips. "Don't worry about that. It will all be fine."
She nodded. "I know. I love you."
"And I love you. I'll be right here when you wake up."
She nodded again, unable to speak past the lump in her throat. It was time, finally. After the months of waiting, thinking, worrying… the time had come, and she was ready.
Carlisle stuck the syringe into the IV tubing and pushed the medication into her vein.
She immediately felt the relaxation of the drug, and lay back on the pillows, her eyes half closed. "I'm ready," she slurred.
Edward looked at Carlisle, who gave him a nod of consent, and Edward bent down over Bella's neck. He brushed her chestnut hair back, exposing her carotid artery to him. The morphine had reduced her heart rate some, and so her pulse was not as strong as it normally was. He closed his eyes and suddenly felt his teeth slide into her flesh.
Bella immediately seized up in pain, but Edward did not stop. He bit her at all of her pulse points, sealing the bites closed by a sweeping of his tongue. He could not turn back now, even if he wanted to. But the cards had been dealt, and now, he just had to wait to see if he came up with a winning hand.
When he had finished, he straightened up and adjusted her on the bed, attempting to make her as comfortable as possible. "More morphine," he choked out to Carlisle.
Carlisle obliged, pumping another syringe into her blood, which was already beginning to turn viscous. "This won't work much longer, Edward."
Edward pulled up a chair to the bedside and took Bella's hand in his own. "And now, we wait."
xXx
Bella immediately felt the high of the morphine hitting her system the moment that Carlisle injected it into her vein. She slurred out, "I'm ready," and immediately felt such an intense pain that her body jerked upward off of the bed. The high of the morphine disappeared and was replaced by…
Fire.
Burning.
She was being burned alive, and no one but she knew it. She vaguely heard Edward tell Carlisle to give her another dose of the morphine, and she tried to scream out for them not to do it, but found that her tongue was frozen in fire.
The morphine had wrapped its invisible arms around her and was holding her still and silent when all she wanted to do was writhe and scream out. The pain was incredible… unbearable… and more than she had ever experienced in all of her lifetime.
Giving birth to Ben had been a breeze compared to this.
The abuse by Eric – she would go through that again a hundred times, if it meant this pain would be taken away.
"She's so quiet, Carlisle. What if something went wrong; I've never done this before." Edward's voice was full of pain and concern.
Bella decided at that moment that she was thankful the morphine had her tied down with invisible ropes. If not, she would have been unable to keep from screaming from the agony, and she did not want that on Edward's conscience.
"You did everything I would have done, Edward. I'm sure it's the morphine." Carlisle sounded confident.
Bella knew that she would need to tell him in secret what the morphine actually did so that mistake was not made again. But she thought back, forcing her mind to work around the pain, to remember Carlisle's story – how he had buried himself in rotting potatoes and kept silent for three days through the transformation. She could do this; she would do this – for Edward.
"Bella, can you hear me?" Edward called to her.
She kept her teeth locked together and did not acknowledge him. She knew that if she moved so much as a muscle, her control would snap and she would scream, like the woman burning from the inside out that she was.
Bella heard Edward sigh. "I don't know, Carlisle."
"You did fine. Listen to her heart; it's as strong as any I've heard."
Oh, goody. Bella felt as if her heart were racing, as if it were trying to run from the fire burning her within.
She did not know how long she lay on her own personal pyre, but it felt as if it had been days. She knew that Edward never left her, as she could hear his methodical breathing constantly. It was her lifeline – her link to reality. If not for that constant whoosh of air in and out, in and out, she would have gone insane from the pain, from the burning.
"Bella?" Edward whispered. "Can you hear me?"
She did not hear Carlisle anywhere, and she could not leave Edward in his own personal hell anymore. She flinched, squeezing his hand that was in hers.
"Bella?" Edward asked, surprise evident in his voice. "You can hear me!"
She attempted to unlock her teeth, determined to utter a single syllable without screaming. "Y-y-yes," she stuttered, and then, despite her best attempt at control, a scream erupted from her burning throat.
Edward was immediately stroking her forehead, his cold hands blessedly cool on her blistering skin. "Oh, Bella, love, I'm so sorry. I know it's painful."
Bella clamped her teeth back together, angry at herself for allowing Edward to see how much pain she was in. She did not want him to regret changing her, but in those moments, she was questioning her own decision.
Fire.
It felt as if she were swimming in a lake of fire. Her entire body, from the inside out, felt as if it were blistering, the skin melting, and she could imagine it actually dripping from her bones. She accidentally let a moan escape through her teeth.
Edward continued to brush her hair back, although she figured it must have been singed from her head by now. "It will all be over soon, love."
She did not believe him. She did not feel as if the burning would ever stop. She felt as if the ropes holding her to the stake had burned away and had been replaced by chains, never to let her go.
After a while, she noticed that something was changing. She could still hear Edward breathe, yet now his breaths were clearer, more defined. She could hear his clothing rustling against itself when he moved. She could hear Carlisle's steps coming down the hall to check on her, and soon, she could tell the difference between Carlisle's breathing from Edward's. And then, her inner ears were, finally, blessedly, cool.
Again, she felt Edward's cool fingers brushing through her hair. "It will be over soon. You look beautiful, love."
She could not imagine she looked beautiful. She felt like a charred piece of tinder. But she trusted Edward, and his encouragement gave her the courage to hang in there. Not that she had another choice.
What could have been several days or hours, Bella noticed another difference. Her fingertips. The flames were no longer licking at her fingertips and toes. Just that bit of abatement made her want to cry in relief, but she could produce no tears. She figured the fire had evaporated every ounce of fluid in her body. Soon, her hands followed, along with her feet, and she almost sighed in contentment. Just having a few areas no longer burning in the flames was a blessed allayment. Edward had put his hand back in hers, and she squeezed his fingers in encouragement.
"Bella, love, I'm right here," he said hoarsely, his normally velvet voice rough from emotion.
She nodded in response and another tight scream escaped her clenched teeth. She was so angry with herself for losing control, but there was nothing to be done. She was not as strong as Carlisle, plus she recalled that he had been required to stay silent, so he was not discovered. Cut yourself some slack, girl.
She soon noticed some other differences. Her mind seemed to expand. She recalled a fact she had learned in college – that humans only use a fraction of their brain power. Now, she felt as if that barrier had been broken, and her brain's full capacity was at her disposal. She still felt the blistering flames licking their way through her body, changing her organs and cellular structures, but she was now able to think about many different things at once.
She thought about Ben and wondered how he was doing without her. She had failed at her attempt to stay in control though the change, but she would not fail at the newborn phase.
She thought about Edward. He was so wonderful; he had stayed with her the entire time. He had risked everything to love her. He had fought against his very nature – which she was beginning to understand, if the burning in her throat was any indication – to be with her and to keep her safe. And then, he had allowed himself to become the one thing he hated in order to keep her safe from Eric.
She thought about Charlie. The idea that she would never see him again made her throbbing and burning heart ache. She loved him as the father figure she had never had, but she would not put him at risk. She would stay away from him, even if it would hurt him emotionally. That was better than hurting – or killing – him physically.
She thought about the Cullens, her new family. Now, she would not be the outsider, but would actually be one of them. She knew that Rosalie was not her biggest fan but that she tolerated her because of Ben. And that was fine with Bella. Never had her son known so much love from so many people. And for once, Bella felt as if she fit somewhere. She had always felt out of sync with the real world – the human world.
While these thoughts were racing through her mind, she also noticed that the fires in her limbs were beginning to burn out, leaving her with a cool reprieve. The fire was now centered just in her chest and around her racing heart, which suddenly took off at an even faster pace. It also became even hotter, if that were possible. She cried out in pain and convulsed as her heart raced towards its final beat. Faster and faster it went while hotter and hotter it burned, until suddenly, it faltered twice, and then came to a stop. The fire was finally fully extinguished, and Bella breathed a sigh of relief.
She then opened her new eyes and looked upon her husband for the first time with her enhanced vision.
Bella had thought Edward was beautiful with her human eyes. But with her vampire eyes, she could only describe him as breathtaking.
He was beautiful. The skin stretched taught across high cheekbones that any male model would have killed for. She could now even see more of the reddish highlights running through his mess of bronze hair. She imagined him with his green eyes of the past and knew that he would have been the catch of the town at the time, but now, he was all hers. For eternity. The thought humbled her. She did not deserve such a perfect specimen for her very own.
Edward took a few steps back. "Bella, love, are you all right?" he asked quietly.
"Bella, we're here for you, just let us know what you need," Carlisle responded.
Bella instantly picked up on their wary posture, not quite the defensive crouch she had become used to, but more on guard. What was the danger? "What's wrong?" she asked, her voice now the melodic sound of the rest of the Cullens. That would take some getting used to.
Carlisle reached his hand forward tentatively. "We just don't want to do anything to frighten you, dear."
Oh. They were scared of her. Hah… what a funny idea! "I'm fine."
"You must be thirsty," Edward said softly. "Shall we hunt?"
Hunt. She had always wanted to watch Edward hunt, as she imagined him as lithe as a panther when he sprung on his prey, and now, she would get to watch it firsthand. Suddenly, her hand flew to her throat. "Yes, I think that would be a good idea," she choked out against the burning in her esophagus.
He held his hand out to her. "Let's hunt, my darling, and see what you have a taste for."
She tentatively took his perfect hand that was in front of her and gasped at the feeling of his skin in hers. It was no longer hard and cold, but was now soft and warm to her. Of course he would be; they were the same temperature and had the same make-up now.
"Are you all right, love? I know it's a lot to take it at once."
Bella nodded slightly. She looked around and was amazed at what her supernatural eyes showed her. She saw every dust mote, every line in the paneling, every dent in the spackled ceiling. But all she could really see was Edward. He was just… perfection. And he was hers. She squeezed his hand tightly. "Let's hunt," she said enthusiastically. The burning in her throat was becoming unbearable, and she was anxious to quench it, but she was also impatient to spend some alone time with Edward, finally allowing both of them to be what they were.
