9. Sara: Goodbye, Goodbye
My fingers kept on playing, but my mind wasn't into it at all, I didn't even hear it. She'd just stormed out, leaving me alone again. I didn't regret what I said, eventhough I wished I could've said less, said something less hurting. But I knew that she wouldn't listen to me if I wasn't harsh. But I did mean it, even if I was cruel. It was twisted, weird, and completely wrong. And she knew that, too. Tegan had this crazy vision of us being together, I knew that, but there was just no way. First of all, I wasn't on the same page as her, I wasn't in love with my sister. And I don't wish that I was. Second, even if I was, how could we be together? It's just.. No. No way.
What had happened last night was purely physical, just purely drunken weirdness on my part. A huge fucking mistake, in other words. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I flinched. Emy stood behind me, smiling.
"Hi there, stranger. What are you playing there?"
She sat down, close to me. I was so scared that she'd smell Tegan on my skin. That she'd know. She looked at me with those eyes, those big in-love eyes. My eyes tried to mimic the emotion, but I didn't really master it. I had been better at it, I'd learn how to over the past months, but I got kind of thrown off by her sudden appearance. She didn't seem to suspect anything, and my nervous muscles relaxed. Sweet, loving Emy. She didn't deserve this, not at all.
"Hi. Uhm, huh?"
I had no idea what I was playing, I hadn't been paying any attention. She hummed the melody. Oh.
"Yeah, that's just an old song Tegan wrote. We're thinking about starting playing it." I lied and shrugged. "What are you guys up to?"
"I think you should, I like it." She leaned her head against my shoulder as I put away my guitar, I wrapped my arm around her. "Ted and I have been fixing some stuff, boring as hell. I'm thinking about going back to the hotel and take a nap. You in?"
She looked up at me, gave me a meaningful look and I chuckled.
Her legs were tangled in between mine, her lips pressed against mine. She breathed heavily, her hands fumbling with my bra. I moved my lips towards her stomach before she'd unhooked it, didn't want to get more undressed than I already was. She sighed happily as I gently kissed her hipbone, and she lightly pressed my head down. I closed my eyes for a while, composing my face, looking up at her, with a faked grin.
"Eager, much?"
My stomached twitched. I didn't even think about what I'd said. But as I said the words a flashback from last night filled my head, Tegan's eager eyes on my face, her moaning, her hand grasping the sheet as I touched her. Eager, much?
I shook my head lightly to get rid of the scene. I shot Emy another smile, more like a grimace, as she moaned affirmatively. Her eyes were luckily enough closed so she didn't see me nor my weird smile. My lips started kissing her inner tigh, making her shiver.
But then I stopped. I just do it. The guilt was too much for me. I felt the tears burning against my closed eyelids. I blinked, and got up to her, our faces close to each other.
"I'm sorry, babe", the word almost got stuck in my throat, "But I think I need to get some food or something. I don't feel too good, I'm sorry. You stay right here, okay? I'll be back."
I gave her a quick peck, and got up. I threw on my t-shirt and jacket, and darted towards the door. I turned around when I closed it, seeing her surprised face in bed, giving her a little wink. When I walked down the hotel corridor, the tears started rolling. I walked in a fast pace into the elevator, out the elevator, out the hotel lobby, down the street.
Twenty minutes later, I found myself at a small café a few blocks away from the hotel. All of the tables around me were full, and I sat in a quiet corner in the back, so I wasn't too noticable. I had a cup of untouched, black coffee in front of me. I wasn't really in the mood for it, but I felt like I had to order something. I just sat there, slowly stirring it with a long spoon.
I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't have sex with Emy. It all just came to a stop, and I couldn't go past it. I felt like my skin was stained with Tegan, and I felt like Emy would feel it if I let her touch me. But that wasn't what had happened, she hadn't touched me. I was about to touch her, and I panicked.
You are, though. I wanted to hit myself. And her. She had manipulated me into this. She displayed her fucking feelings, and she had infected me with them. It wasn't real. It wasn't for real. It wasn't my feelings. It is.
I got up, left the cup behind, and marched out of the café. I hadn't been there for more than five minutes, but I just couldn't sit still. I was tired, but I needed to walk. To do something.
My feet had been wandering the streets of L.A. aimlessly for about fourty minutes when I realized: I was going to break up with her. I couldn't do this to Emy anymore. I wasn't in love with her, and I probably never would be. I was going to let her go. She had deserved that. She most certainly didn't deserve this. Me. I needed to let her go, and to pull myself together. I couldn't use her like this, just because I was lonely.
I pulled out my phone, and looked at the glowing digits. 4:32. I had to walk back to the venue, back to Emy, and do this before the show. I just knew that it had to be done as soon as possible. I turned around, and headed towards the venue. It was quite the walk, so I sped up a bit. I walked pass all kinds of people, watching them as I went. I tried no to think at all, but Tegan kept creeping into my mind. I wasn't in love with her. I wasn't. I was just.. physically attracted to her. And I wanted to cuddle with her, and kiss her and hold her all the time. Basically. Fuck. I cannot believe this is happening.
When I turned around a corner I saw her. I turned around and hid behind an old man looking into a shop window, pretending that I was doing the same as him. She was walking on the sidewalk across the street. Her hair was a huge mess, and she looked so worn out. But the thing that caught my attention: she wasn't alone. But who was that? The other person had her face turned away from me, laughing with Tegan, whom chuckled back. The person had brown hair and a white tanktop on. I moved a little to see who it was, but I didn't have to. She threw her hand back into a laugh and I saw. Lindsey. Lindsey and Tegan were going, together, on the street. I had completely forgotten that she lived here in L.A. As I stood there, like I was struck by lightning, Lindsey and Tegan disappeared into an apartment building. But not before I saw Lindsey giving Tegan's lower back a few flirty strokes.
I turned around and started running. I felt my asthmatic lungs tear, but I didn't care. I felt the tears fall down my face, it seemed like they never would stop coming. I felt like I could cry forever. I was too late, I was such a fucking jackass. If I wasn't so proud and stuck-up, I could've confessed my feelings towards Tegan, and I could've been the one who get's to go home with her. Such a fucking jackass. And now I was going to go home to break up with the one person who actually wants me, who wants to be with me. In a real, legal, unweird relationship. Whom I'm not related to. Great.
"Are you seriously doing this again? Really?"
I couldn't blame her for yelling at me. I deserved it, and I took it. I was sitting on our hotel bed, and she was walking around in circles. We had been at this for a while now, and I was just so tired. I had told her that I wasn't in love, and that I couldn't do this anymore. That she deserved better. And that I was sorry.
"And you came back to me. That's the worst fucking part, you know? You came crawling back after hurting me, saying that you wanted to give this another go. But nothing changed, did it?"
She looked right at me, not mad nor sad. She was just.. disappointed. I looked back at her, tears welling down my face, but not because of this. Not because we were breaking up. No, my mind was somewhere else. I shook my head and looked down at my feet. Just go. Go away. But of course, she did the opposite. She kneeled down in front of me, and forced my chin up with her hand.
"You could've warned me, you know. That there was nothing I could do to change you. Then I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up, my heart crushed again. And again."
Her eyes watered, but no tears were rolling down. She dried one of mine with the back of her hand, smiled a sad half-smile and got up. She took her suitcase, as she'd packed during the fight, and her jacket. When she got to the door she turned around and looked at me.
"Bye, Sar."
"Bye, Em."
And then she was gone. She was going to go live with a friend, and then she was going to fly back to Montreal in the morning. It was over. Everything was over.
