Author's Note: Well, this chapter wasn't particularly cheery. Except for the scene in the very beginning, it was pretty dreary. However, everything that was said in this chapter needed to be said. If you're reading, don't stop! Thanks!

Disclaimer: Not yet, not yet...


Chapter 9

As her step-brother walked (stumbled is more like it) over to the front door with a drunken wave, Serena felt a pain in her heart. It had been like this for days. Chuck would go out at all hours of the day and wouldn't be back for hours. When he was home, he wouldn't acknowledge the van der Woodsens at all. He'd mostly stay in his room and do whatever Chuck did when he was upset. Nobody could get through to him. Serena wondered if Chuck ever cried. She guessed she'd never find out.

"I'm off on another long journey." Chuck slurred to Serena. "Say hi to Lily and Eric for me."

The blonde crossed her arms. "Chuck. It's not even eight o'clock yet. You don't need to be consuming any more alcohol right now. Why don't you just stay home today?"

Chuck pretended to think about it. Then he swatted his hand at the air. "I'm not really in the mood for that. My people await." He slammed the door shut behind him.

What people, Chuck? Serena sat down on a nearby chair and sighed. She wished Chuck was dealing with his pain in a healthy manner, but that's not how he handled things. He always had to live on the edge and pretend he never got sad. It wasn't like Blair was doing any better. No matter how many "I'm fine"s Serena heard, she knew Blair enough to know that she wasn't fine. Blair missed Chuck. Chuck missed Blair. It shouldn't have to hurt so much.

Getting up, Serena decided to visit Blair and see how she was doing. She yanked on her boots and stalked over to the door. Just as she opened it, Dan was at the other side, his hand posed to knock. "Dan!" she exclaimed, smiling despite herself. "What are you doing here?"

Dan marched in, waving his hands in the air wildly. "I was wrong last night. I'm sorry for the way I acted, it's just… Just…" He banged his head against the wall. "Damn it! Why can't I just say it? Serena, the truth is—"

"Do you still have feelings for me?" Serena blurted. Dan looked up at her, shocked. The girl turned red and held her hand over her mouth. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to be so arrogant, but it sounded like that's where this conversation was going…"

Before she could say anything else, Dan walked towards her. He smiled the way he only smiled for her. The sparkle in his brown eyes matched the sparkle in Serena's blue eyes. "Yes. I still love you. The reason I was so upset that you told Nate and not me was because I was jealous. I want you to tell me when you're feeling upset or confused. I want you to confide in me, and I want to help. Even if I can't help, I still want you to tell me. Every time you tell me what you're really thinking, you let me see a little more of Serena van der Woodsen. I want to see you. When you're feeling angry or sad, I want to know. I want you to trust me and let me in. I understand why you didn't tell me about Blair, but I still felt hurt that you didn't even trust me enough to tell me the truth about how you were feeling."

The girl in front of him smiled, but then she bit her lip. "Oh Dan, I still love you too. I wanted to tell you about how miserable I was, I really did, but I was so upset over it I didn't know what to do. I was even more confused when we began hanging out again and I realized my feelings for you never went away. It just seems that we can't move past our tangled family life."

Dan rubbed his head, looking torn. "I know. Maybe we shouldn't go out again. I just wanted you to know how I felt. Everything just got so weird now that we share a half-sibling. It scares me, Serena. I don't know what to do. Maybe it's not enough that we love each other. Maybe it's better if we both move on."

She cupped his face with both of her hands. "Dan Humphrey. You just told me you loved me, now you want to move on? I'm scared too, but I love you, and that's enough for me. I know we can do this. We're lucky. We both love each other, and we actually have a fighting chance. Why do we keep finding reasons to not get together when the reason for being together is right here? Sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together, but how will we know if we don't try?"

"Okay, okay!" Dan laughed. "Serena van der Woodsen, will you be my girlfriend for the third time now?"

Serena giggled and kissed him. "Yes, Dan Humphrey, I would be delighted." This was it. This was the way things were supposed to be. S and Lonely Boy were together again, and everything was right in the world. Well, maybe not everything.

Remembering her not-so-happy best friend, the blonde broke the kiss and smiled at Dan; somewhat apologetically, somewhat passionately. "I'm sorry, but I have to go. Blair needs me. You can stay here if you want, or we can meet up some other time." Dan looked disappointed, but he grinned anyway.

"I think I'll just wait here. Try not to be too long." With that, Dan walked over to the couch and lounged on it lazily.

"I'll try." Serena kissed her boyfriend once more before heading out the door. She only wished her talk with Blair would be as successful as her talk with Dan was.

xoxo

"I told you, S, I'm fine. How many times are you going to visit me to cheer me up? I'm great. In fact, I've never felt better." Blair stalked around her bedroom, trying to give herself some space from her irritating best friend.

Serena was sitting cross-legged on Blair's bed. She looked exasperated, but she refused to give up. "B, I can see right through your weak façade. Are you trying to fool me or are you trying to fool yourself?" She sighed in frustration. "You and Chuck are both too stubborn for you own good. You always pretend you never get hurt and you keep your feelings bottled up inside. It's not helping anybody, you know."

At the mention of Chuck's name, Blair looked alarmed. "Is he okay? I wish I could do something to make him better, but I can't this time, can I?" Blair looked at Serena with such vulnerability and sorrow that Serena's heart ached. She just wanted to hold the brunette tight and tell her everything would be okay. But it wouldn't make Blair's nightmare go away.

"Chuck's been doing as well as can be expected." Serena said gently. "He still won't talk to you, will he?"

"I refused to be weak about this. After filling up his voicemail the same night of Nate's party last week and being unable to get in to either his suite at the Palace or the van der Bass household, I decided that it would be best to let Chuck come around." The girl gave a hollow laugh. "I guess we know how well that worked out."

Blair lay down onto her bed and Serena began stroking her hair. "Oh, B, I'm so sorry. If it makes you feel better, Chuck has been celibate since you two broke up." At this, Blair snorted in a very unladylike fashion.

"Yeah, right. He really gave off that impression when his tongue was down that bitch's throat at the party." She started off strong, but her voice cracked at the end.

Serena bit her lip. She had hoped that Blair hadn't seen Chuck making out with the other girl, but it looked like she had. "Yeah, but it wasn't—I mean, it was, but it didn't go farther than that. Chuck returned home alone after the party, and every night since, he's been alone."

The other girl smiled a little after hearing this, but it didn't console her for long. It was only a matter of time before he became Manhattan's favourite womanizer again. Soon, Blair would become a distant memory to him. No! Blair shut her eyes to block out her thoughts. That can't happen! Stop thinking about it! She commanded herself.

"I love him, S. I love him so much." Blair whispered. Serena didn't respond. The two girls lay on Blair's bed in silence for a long time. All thoughts of boys and heartbreak left their minds as they sought comfort in each other's embrace. It was wonderful to know that no matter what, they would always have each other.

xoxo

Nate leaned over Chuck's shoulder curiously. "What are you doing?" Chuck was on Serena's profile on Facebook. Her wall was completely filled with stupid messages from him, and he was in the middle of typing another.

Chuck jumped at the sound of Nate's voice. He whirled around to face his best friend. "Nathaniel? When did you get here? More to the point, how did you get in here?"

The other guy shrugged, a huge grin spreading over his face. "The door was unlocked, so I thought I'd let myself in." He grabbed a chair and sat down next to Chuck. "Well, you seem to be doing a little better. You haven't slowed down on the scotch, though." He added with a quick glance at the glass of amber liquid on the table between the two boys.

The dark-haired boy let out an incomprehensible noise. "This is the way I like living. I had a few obstacles that lead me off the path of my true desires, but I now realize that this is the only way to live. There's nothing better."

Nate didn't seem very convinced. "You miss her." He said quietly.

"After what she did? You have got to be kidding, Nathaniel."

"You do miss her. It's all over your face."

Chuck sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "If I admit that I do miss her, will you leave me alone?"

Tilting his head back, Nate pretended to think it over for a few moments. Then he grinned at Chuck. "Nope, sorry. I'm not going anywhere. Somebody's got to cheer you up, and it may as well be me." Suddenly, his expression turned serious. "Man, Blair has been miserable since that night. I know what she did, but she really regrets it. She… she doesn't look very well."

Despite his intentions to remain indifferent, Chuck turned to Nate with a look of horror. "She's not…?"

"No, I'm pretty sure she's not doing that again. Serena would have said something." Nate assured him quickly. "But she looks pretty upset. I mean, she tries to hide it, but it's pretty obvious she feels guilty about what happened."

Chuck was silent for a long time. He stared at the clock on the opposite wall with an unreadable expression on his face. Finally, still staring at the clock with the same facial expression, he spoke. "I called her a whore and a slut. No matter how guilty or upset she is or pretends to be, she won't come back after that."

The other boy was slightly taken aback, but he tried not to show it. "Chuck, why did you…"

"Why did I say it?" Chuck laughed harshly. "I don't fucking know. I was angry and devastated. I wanted to hurt her. I thought that it would be better for both of us if I just ended it now instead of having it drag out even longer. I just want to forget her and move on."

Even if he tried, Nate couldn't stop the next words from coming out of his mouth. "Blair loves you." His best friend turned on him angrily.

"You call that love? She slept with my uncle—who, by the way, is out to destroy my life—while I was grieving over my father's death and kept it from me for weeks. She even lied to me about it! You don't do that to somebody you love." Chuck was nearly shouting now. After he was done, he clenched his jaw and took another gulp of his scotch. "The worst part is, I don't even know why she would do it." He sounded like a lost little boy at the end. Nate's heart went out to him.

His best friend patted his back in an attempt to soothe him. "I know it looks bad, but people make mistakes. Come on. Did you love her when you told Gossip Girl about your fling with her? Or how about the time when you abandoned her in Tuscany? Or when you planned to dethrone her once again? Or even when you left her right after your father died and proceeded to ignore her when you came back? You loved her through all of that, didn't you?" Chuck remained silent.

Nate stared at Chuck for a few moments, then sighed. "Just because she made a mistake doesn't mean she doesn't love you." With that, he got up and stretched. "I'm gonna crash here tonight. What movie do you want to watch?" He walked over to the T.V, turned it on, and started flicking through channels. "There's a lot of good stuff on tonight. Come over here and help me choose."

Chuck couldn't help but grin as he watched Nate. "I'll be right there, Nathaniel," he called as he leisurely stood up and walked over to the T.V. If Nate was right, he wasn't going to admit it. If Nate was wrong, it wouldn't be the first time.

xoxo

About ten days later, Chuck was sitting in his bedroom alone. He still hadn't spoken to Blair since Nate's party, but he had seen her on a couple of occasions. She still looked miserable, just like Nate had said. He couldn't help but be worried and slightly guilty for his part in her misery, but he used all of his willpower to ignore her and walk away. He hated that she had broken his heart. He hated that he had broken her heart in retaliation. He hated that he still cared.

It had been two weeks since Nate's party. He still wasn't okay. He didn't know if he would ever be okay. Still, he was doing better than he was. He was sober for at least half the day now. He could actually think about other things besides Blair and Jack for almost a full hour. He didn't feel like jumping off a roof now (the thought still crossed his mind sometimes, but he no longer felt the need to act out the thought).

He still felt sick whenever he thought of Blair and Jack. He still wanted to cry almost all of the time, but he refused to give them the satisfaction (if your tears don't fall, it doesn't count as crying). He still wouldn't talk to or acknowledge Blair. He still wished he could have punched Jack again. He still used scotch and miscellaneous drugs to block out the memory of Blair (it still didn't work). He still felt like a survivor of a train wreck.

When he first found out that Blair slept with Jack, he tried as hard as he could to block out the world. Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't he forget? Why was he given a heart just to have it shattered by the one who gave it to him? Why did she do it?

He would run as far as he could just so he wouldn't have to face people ever again. He wanted to run away to a place where he didn't have to hurt anymore. It didn't matter that such a place didn't exist. He would make one. He was Chuck Bass.

Except none of those things would change the fact that Blair Waldorf had sex with Jack Bass.

Nothing could ever change that.

Blair had stopped trying to contact Chuck, but she was still trying to indirectly show that she cared. She was the one who make up an excuse to Headmistress Queller for Chuck when he didn't come back to school in the first few days after his suspension was over. (He never thanked her.) She was the one who was worried that Chuck wasn't eating properly, so she sent a basket of food with Eric to Chuck's room. Dorota had prepared most of the food, but a Thanksgiving pie was included, even though it was out of season. (He didn't eat it.) She was the one who sent him little notes with cute messages on them during school. (He threw them away.)

Chuck would never admit that those actions had warmed his heart. (Only a little, and just for one instant). But then the image of Blair and Jack would flood his mind, and he would feel nothing but contempt. It just wouldn't go away. Chuck was sure it would haunt him for the rest of his days. Hell, maybe it was karma.

Just then, Vanya the doorman knocked on Chuck's door. Chuck called for him to come in, and Vanya carried a small box over to Chuck. "This was at the door, sir. It is for you." Chuck's heart skipped a beat as he took the package from Vanya. He recognized the box, and he had a suspicion of what was inside of it.

After Vanya left, Chuck slowly opened the box. Just as he expected, the Erikson Beamon necklace shone brightly at the dark-haired boy. He carefully lifted the necklace from the box and set it on the table beside him. Underneath where the necklace was lay a note. As Chuck read the note, he felt a painful sensation. His emotions became tangled and he felt confused and lost.

I don't feel worthy of its beauty anymore. I'm giving this back to you. I hope you can find somebody who deserves such a gift. I'm so sorry. –B

Even though he wasn't supposed to care, Chuck couldn't help but feel angry at Blair for giving it back to him. He didn't expect anything from her anymore, but this was the necklace. No matter what happened between them, the Erikson Beamon necklace would always be Blair's. She knew what it meant to both of them. She couldn't just give it back to him like it was nothing.

It wasn't supposed to matter anymore, but it did. This was different.

Chuck sighed. He needed to think.


P.S. Just to make things clear, Blair's bulimia hasn't returned. I know I made her throw up once at the beginning of chapter two, but that was a one time relapse (I don't know much about bulimia, but I'm sure such a thing is possible). Blair is not going to throw up anymore in this story. She's just upset at the moment.