Author's Notes: hey guys, thanks for reading :) This story is moving along nicely, and the chapter after this will unfold a lot of the situations that have been developing :) Please review, or I won't even know if anyone's bothering to read :(
thanks guys!
November 4th,
Dear Diary,
Yesterday evening was my date with Gideon.
I hadn't seen him since the afternoon at the Three Broomsticks, so a small part of me was anxious that he would have changed his mind, not shown up, left me standing at the entrance of the library for hours alone and confused while he had a laugh in the Gryffindor common room with Fabian and Justin Wood. However to my immense relief, he showed up only 3 minutes late, smiling brightly as his eyes caught mine and he approached the doors I leaned against, smiling casually back at him with my arms folded neatly across my chest and my long hair flowing around me smoothly.
"Hey, Bella." He greeted enthusiastically, "I was hoping you wouldn't forget about me, I haven't seen you around much the past few days... just a glimpse or two in the Great Hall at mealtimes, but you're surrounded by Slytherins constantly, don't you ever get sick of their company?"
"Oh yes," I lied, grinning, "Its so refreshing to be with you, so I can finally be myself."
"Fabian doesn't know we're meeting, by the way, it'd just give him an excuse to get started one of his tireless rants," Gideon explained with a chuckle, "He has a temper, himself, he does. I'm sorry you got on the wrong side of him, I know how rough that can be. We had a fight as kids once and he turned my blanket into a sheet of iron. I nearly suffocated, and my mum went nuts, shouting at little 6 year old Fabian about not almost murdering his older brother."
"I don't think he's changed much," I snorted coolly, "I bet he'd love to suffocate me with an iron blanket."
"Haha, probabley," Gideon agreed, shuffling his feet and looking around vaguely as we stood awkwardly outside the library, "But thats his mistake, innit? You're not who he thinks you are."
"Your friend at the Three Broomsticks didn't seem so convinced," I said thoughtfully, tossing my hair back over my shoulders.
"Ah yeah, well Justin's a hard man to sell, but he came around a bit towards the end," Gideon insisted earnestly, "He reckons I'm being noble and too trusting by taking a bit of a liking to you, but he's a judgemental git as far as Slytherins are concerned. Its just stubbornness, you know? Your cousin Sirius has a streak of it in him, himself I've noticed. I like him a lot, you've got good blood if he's any indication."
"Yes, definitely," I tried to keep myself from resorting to shouting about how loathsome Sirius Black was, biting my tongue furiously, and deciding the only way to keep my temper in check would be to change the subject, "So did you really want to study? Because its not curfew yet, and I thought we might take a stroll around the ground, its not too cold and I brought my jacket, in case you liked the idea..."
"Its great!" He nodded with enthusiasm, "Just let me get mine -accio coat!- it should arrive any second now from the Gryffindor tower, and ah yes there it is..."
"Shall we?" I asked, extending my hand towards him, waiting anxiously. For a second I thought he would not take my hand, and it would fall back to my side rejected, my heart skipped a beat at the mere notion of rejection, I didn't think I could stomach it from an unworthy blood traitor, for as sickening as the prospect of touching him seemed, his rejection would strike me much more harshly. However, he took my hand in his own, without hesitation, and we set off for the doors, walking out into the brisk night. It was cool without being cold, and the wind was chill without the hint of frost. The stars speckled the sky, a dusting of glitter across a black canvas above us as we walked along, headed in the direction of the black lake beside the looming castle we called our home.
"So, how's everything with Lucius Malfoy now?" He asked, concerned, as our we casually sauntered across the dying grass of the school grounds, the lake growing ever closer.
"We just avoid and ignore one another these days," I replied, faking the pain in my voice, "Its hard to adjust to it, though. Sometimes, I think I miss him, but I don't really. He's no good for me."
"That's right, you're better off without him," He encouraged, squeezing my hand slightly as we reached the edge of the lake and began to walk along the waterside, glancing at our outlines in the smooth dark surface below us, "You're handling this with a lot of strength, its remarkable."
"It was coming for a long time, I just could not handle his life style." I sniffed as though trying to hold back my tears.
"Your bravery rivals that of some Gryffindors I know," He said seriously, though a smile was evident in his eyes.
"You're only saying that," I said modestly, looking away as though shy, "I'm so silly for staying with him for so long, it was so cowardly."
"Look at me," He said firmly and I turned to face him, feiging a look of innocence with wide eyes and a mouth slightly open, my cheeks rosy from the cold.
"Yes?" I asked, locking my eyes into his and I felt his hands clasp around my face, and his lip lock as tightly as our eyes had, his mouth becoming a part of my mouth. I felt a wave of sheer revulsion at his touch, the touch of a traitor, the touch impurity, but I reminded myself, kissing him back with force, that I was doing what I was doing against traitors, and for purity and I was able to refrain from betraying my disgust. When we pulled apart we were both breathless, and shivering slightly as the cold of the night intensified.
"I've been thinking about how that would feel since I laid eyes on you at the Three Broomsticks." He admitted, his face flushing a soft shade of scarlet.
"So," I began, a playful smile playing about my lips, "How did it feel?"
"Great," He answered feverently, "I'm sort of speechless. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about a girl."
"Really?" I asked, shocked and thoroughly amused, though I hid it quite well. He was falling for me. This was even better than I could have hoped for, it was bloody brillant, "I bet you say that to all the girls."
"No, Bella," He shook his head, "Only you..."
We kissed again, his hands around my waist and mine around my neck. I closed my eyes tightly and imagined he was Lucius, though it hardly helped. I pretened he was Roddy Lestrange... it felt more tolerable. The kisses tasted like blood traitoring and pumpkin juice. I'll never drink pumpkin juice again, I swear. They lasted for varying intervals, but we remained in one another's arms for nearly half an hour. In my mind I was with Lestrange, they were the lips of Lestrange, his hands were the hands of Lestrange, and his scent of something like autumn and soap was, I comvinced myself, the scent of Lestrange.
"I like you." I lied as we broke apart, gasping for the cold air, our cheeks bright red and our skin covered in goose bumps from the cold.
"I like you too, Bella." He beamed, his smile so sincere I almost pitied him. Almost.
"This was much better than studying," I whispered in his ear that had gone red from the harsh winds whipping against our faces, "I'm glad we came out here."
"Me too," He concurred immediatly, carressing my cheek with a gentleness and degree of reverence I was not accostumed to, "You look half frozen though, we should get inside."
"Certainly, I am a bit chilly." I consented to hold his hand once more and allowed him to lead me back along the water's edge and across the rough dying grass, back through the main entrance, down the tiled halls until we reached the portrait that would lead him back to his common room. He turned to me, just as I turned to walk back to my own dungeon common room and reached out for an embrace which I quickly returned.
"When can I see you again?" He asked, as we pulled apart.
"How about we go to the astronomy tower Saturday night at 8?" I offered, smiling in a frightening imitation of sweetness.
"Great," He kissed me on the cheek, "I'll see you then, beautiful."
and with that, I walked off, hearing him mumble "Phoenix Feather" to the fat lady's portrait, and making a mental note of their common room password. I then returned to my own common room where Lucius, Severus, Lestrange and Dolohov awaited anxiously for details of the brief outing. I explained the night, which included mainly disgsuting snogging in freezing tempertures, which resulted in laughter from everyone but Lucius.
"That's disgraceful, brush your teeth, wash your filthy mouth out." He snapped.
"I'm doing this for the DEY, you know," I said irritably, "You could show a little support for the plan that you sanctioned."
"I'm sorry I'm upset that my girlfriend is off snagging some nasty blood traitoring scum," He sarcastically muttered, glaring down at the dungeon floor. Sev, Dolohov, and Lestrange looked at one another awkwardly.
"I'm not enjoying it anymore than you are, Lucius!" I spat furiously, "It makes me positively ILL, dammit, and I don't need you reminding me of how unpleasant it all is. And I don't need the rest of you laughing, I'm only doing what I have to for the DEY!"
"You'd do anything for the DEY, Bella, its all you care about," Lucius sneered, "You're hardly the same girl I fell inlove with, you're so indepedant, short tempered and obsessed with nothing more than your own personal glory!"
"You're the same bloody way!" I shouted, incensed, "We're Slytherins, what in Merlin's name did you expect?"
"I expected more of you, but I can see now that I was mistaken, and I'll lower the standards I once held you to!"
"I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU, FOR THE DEATH EATER YOUTH, FOR EVERYONE, ITS ALL PART OF THE BLOODY PLAN!" I cried, unable to maintain even a semblance of calmness, "YOU CANNOT BE MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING YOU SANCTIONED, SOMETHING TO BENEFIT US ALL THAT I AM FORCING MYSELF TO DO! I'M THE ONE IN THE UNPLEASANT SITUATION, I'M THE ONE DOING ALL THE WORK AND YOU'RE THE SULKY BASTARD I COME HOME TO! WHY CAN'T YOU SUPPORT ME, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU APPROVED THE STUPID PLAN IN THE FIRST PLACE?"
"Lower your bloody voice!" He said urgently, "You want the entire common room to know what we're up to, you daft woman?"
"I DON'T CARE!" I stormed away, headed for the girls dormitory, before turning around with a few last words, as I was positively seething, "YOU'RE SUCH A GIT, LUCIUS!"
I was too angry to sleep much that night, I kept turning over and punching my pillow, imagining it to be Lucius' snide face, or Fabian's furious one, or Gideon's love struck expression. It was all too much, I was starting to lose it entirely. My life felt like it didn't even belong to me anymore, it was all tangled. I wanted to go home, as hot tears burned behind my eyes. I wanted to go home to walk the gardens in the welcoming warmth of a sweet summer evening with the Lucius I used to love, and return to the manor to find Andy demanding to hear every detail about my night, laughing and listening, her eyes intent on everything I said. I wanted her to look at me the way she used to, before the falling out. And I wanted to watch mother tucking Cissy into bed, wishing Andy and I good night, and then I would fall into a calm sleep, with sweet dreams, knowing that the next day Andy and I could read in the shade of the trees in our gardens, and I would see Lucius in the afternoon, watch him fly, kiss the lips I loved so deeply, plan our future with the Dark Lord, that future I had believed in so certainly.
Diary, nothing is certain any longer, this I am certain of.
Love,
Bella
November 5th
Dear Diary,
This evening contained the usual Friday night detention, which this evening included the group of us picking pumpkins out in the chilly grounds, watched grumpily by the rouge of a game keeper, Hagrid. Of all our successive detentions, this was the one I had been dreading most acutely, for Lucius and I had not spoken since our fight on Wednesday night after the faux date with Gideon. With Lucius furious with me, Severus and Dolohov being his best friends and the deep set hatred for my felt by the Gryffindor's, I felt very alone as I walked a little behind the rest of the group towards the pumpkin patch behind Hagrid's rustic hut.
"Now ye migh' notice that we 'ave some slighty large pumpkins 'ere." Hagrid grunted pointing to the three dozen pumpkins that stood the height of a hippogriff and the width of a round dinner table and therefore I had decided 'slightly large' qualified as quite an understatment, but the game keeper blundered on, "I want yer all ter roll them across the ground there over to the greenhouses, ye hear? Yer can find me in the hut if ye be needin' me."
"Thanks Hagrid!" Potter grinned widely, "Can we use magic?"
"Yeh, go on then," He grinned under his wild beard, "But don't levitate them, it'll be on yer heads if they break!"
"Thanks Hagrid, mate!" Sirius replied jovially, beaming up at the game keeper who returned the smile, wished the Gryffindors good bye and sent a warning glance to myself and the other Slytherins before retiring for his pathetic little hut.
"Lets get started, shall we?" Ted suggested after a moment where we all stood still and silent in Hagrid's wake. He was the first to charm his pumpkin to roll effortlessly to the greenhouses, though he jogged along beside it, to ensure its safe delivery. The rest of us began following suit, each selecting a pumpkin, charming it, and running beside it on its journey across the grounds slightly muddy from the rain that had fallen softly and coldly over the castle that morning and had settled into frost before melting as the sun rose at day break.
"This isn't so bad!" Sirius said, racing his oversized pumpkin against Potter's laughing as they ran, their footsteps deep in the mood they splattered behind them, "Come on James, last one to the green houses smells like a rotten Snape!"
"I only know one Snape, and rotten isn't a strong enough adjective to describe his odor!" Potter shouted, running a little behind Sirius towards the finish line of the greenhouses. I jogged slowly behind mine in step with Severus, watching the scene unfold, and recognizing the warning signs for trouble.
"They think they're funny do they?" Snape hissed, running behind them, slightly muddy from the ground they flung up behind their running footsteps.
"We KNOW we're funny, Snivelly." Sirius corrected him, coldly, as he reached the side of the greenhouse a fraction of a second before Potter.
"Aw man," Potter panted, coming to a stop behind Sirius, gently turning his pumpkin off its side, and clutching a cramp on his side, "I sure am out of shape for a brillant quiddich player, innit?"
"Oh no James, you were so close! You aren't out of shape at all and brillant doesn't begin to describe your quiddich talent" Pettigrew squeaked, running to join them, balancing his pumpkin that had a strangely flat left side and kept threatening to tip over, and laying it to rest a few feet farther than it should have been from the green houses.
"If Pettigrew didn't have his nose so far up your arse, he would be saying otherwise," Snape sneered, settling his pumpkin beside Potter's as I set my own down behind Sirius's
"Jealous?" Potter snickered.
"Hardly, Potter," Snape laughed without amusement, "What is there to be jealous of? A loser with an inflated head?"
"Watch it, Snivellus," Potter threatned, "I have a wand, and I'm not afriad to use it."
Fabian, Ted, Lucius, and Dolohov had all now arrived at the greenhouses, settling in their own pumpkins, and stopping dead, gazing at the two boys who had drawn their wands. James and Severus circled each other, hatred of great measure was depicted in both their cold expressions Sirius pulled his own wand from his robes, watching from the side uncertainly, eyeing Snape with loathing and distrust. I noticed Lucius had retrieved his wand as well, staring at Potter with a bitter, challenging smile that he could not see with his eyes blazing into Snape's. I had not spoken a word all detention, merely rolled my first pumpkin in determined silence for a change, not eager to bring attention to the fact Lucius and I had been rowing, but I realized then that I would jump to Sev's and Lucius's aid if need be, and I found my hand wrap itself firmly around the wand I had tucked into my robe's pocket, as Fabian did the same.
Tonks looked pleadingly at his friends, clearly sick of the fighting that broke out when the group of us was forced together. We always tended to explode, we were toxic when mixed. Just as some potion ingrediants produce explosions and should never be put together in one cauldron, the group of us should be separated, we were a bad potion, and one day the explosion would cause quite a bit of damage, I was sure. But what's wrong with a little damage? Or a lot of damage? I grinned maliciously at the oncoming battle. 'Let it come' I thought viciously 'Give me a reason, any reason to curse you all into pieces, to escape from the burden of this aggression I've been carrying the past two day... Just give me a reason.' And then, I reasoned- why did I need a reason? And without further ado, Potter was hit with a leg locker curse and fell swiftly to the muddy ground.
"What in the bloody name of Merlin was that about?" Potter growled as Sirius administered the counterjinx quicky, and he sprang back up to his feet, looking irate, "I wasn't going to attack you!"
"You were going to attack my friend." I shrugged, my voice full of cold rage that had nothing to do with Potter's aggression toward's Severus and everything to do with my own unhappiness, though I would have rather snogged Potter's blood traitoring lips than admit it.
"And?" He demanded sharply, attemping to brush the mud from his robes, but only managing to smear it across them "What are you a Hufflepuff now, Black? Let your oddball of a friend fight his own battles and mind your own bloody business!"
"Bella, back off, I can handle it!" Severus mumbled in a defeated tone, glaring at me darkly.
"See?" Sirius chimed in, using a falsely bright voice, "Snivelly here can fight for himself, so stand aside."
And with that Potter caught Severus off guard with a a spell that made his eyebrows grow rapidly over his eyes, obscuring his face, and he aimed a spell blindly at Potter that exploded his pumpkin. The seeds and orange mess from inside the pumpkin covered James, Sirius, Peter, Ted, and Fabian immedialty, who turned outraged to Snape, all but Ted and Peter, pointing their wands and shouting different spells, he managed to deflect with a sheild charm.
"You git!" Sirius exclaimed angrily, "We weren't supposed to hurt the pumpkins!"
"Then maybe you should refrain from starting duels all around them," Lucius drawled, sneering at the Gryffindors who remained covered in the remnants of the exploded pumpkin.
"Great advice, Malfoy," Potter snapped, sarcastically, "'Dont start duels around massive pumpkins' I'll take that to my death bed, I will."
"You jest, but maybe if you could control yourselves you wouldnt be covered in pumpkin guts," Lucius sniggered along with Severus and Dolohov, "Not that I'm complaining, its certainly an entertaining start to an evening of detention."
"Don't give us any rubbish about self control, Malfoy," Fabian retorted venomously, "You can't control yourself enough to resist shagging the nutter standing beside you. She's good looking and all, but she's certifiable. Maybe you're just in it for the sex, but anyone caught dead with her must be a total fool, utterly moronic."
"Funny you should say that, Prewett." Lucius's lip curled, and I knew he was thinking of operation FTF, and felt myself smiling as well, more widely than when the Gryffindors were doused in pumpkin innards.
"Why's that funny, Malfoy?" He asked hotly, "What are you on about?"
"I do believe you'll see in due coarse, but Bella and I are not longer together." He replied, shooting me a cold stare which I could not decipher as serious or a product of the plan. "It was her choice. And you may have a point about her sanity thing, but the sex was fantastic, you should give her a try sometime."
"Fuck you!" I yelled, losing myself in a fit of rage, turning my wand on Lucius and sending him flying backwards into the mud where he landed with a loud thud. I opened my mouth in shock at what I had just done, my eyes widening in surprise, as did the eyes of everyone else. The grounds were silent as the Gryffindors eyed the pair of us scathingly, their amusment mounting that we had turned on one another, publically and cruelly, "Lucius, I didn't mean- I'm sorry- It just, I just, I didn't know what I was doing..."
"Shut up, Bella." He ordered, his voice without any trace of the warmth I once knew, "Get back to rolling the damn pumpkins, we have a task to do, you idiots, stop standing and staring uselessly."
We worked in relative silence, transporting the pumpkins dutifully as the night wore on, and tempers began to run high once more. I was fuming, and all the initial shock and remorse for cursing Lucius gave way to pure fury at how he had been treating me. I was doing all that I could to contain myself and maintain composure, focusing my energy on pumpkin rolling which was, unsurprisingly, quite unsatisfying.
"Row, row, row your pumpkin gently across the grounds," Potter began singing an hour or so later.
"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream!" Sirius added, brightly, as he and Potter lazily strolled beside their slow moving pumpkins while I hustled past them, jogging along my own, "All right there, Bella?"
"Yes," I said, stiffly, already a good few feet ahead of him.
"You look right upset," He called after me, his voice far from concern, boardering on open amusement, "What happened between you and Voldemort Junior over there, anyway?"
"He's hard the jr. version of the Dark Lord, Sirius!" I called over my shoulder, "And its none of your ruddy business!"
He let it drop then, and without further incident we managed to safetly transfer each pumpkin to their new home by the greenhouses. NIght had long since fallen over the icy grounds and it was with no further ado, we all hurried back towards the castle doors, shivering with chattering teeth, hurrying for the warmth that the castle promised. I walked proudly and determinedly infront of the rest of the group this time, nearly running to hold my lead, and was met by a rush of relief as I was the first to stumble happily into the beautiful heated castle, followed closely by the Gryffindors.
"Sorry to hear you're so upset Bella," Fabian said in a tone of mock concern as he fell into step behind me while I slowed my pace to catch my breath, and then added in an obnoxious and wicked voice, "NOT!"
This was met by laughter from this fellow Gryffindors who passed me, taking care to knock my shoulders as they strutted off to their common room. I glared ater them too exhuasted to fight now, and reminding myself Fabian would get what was coming to him.
"Bella?" Lucius asked, his voice portrayed a mixture of anger and concern. I stopped abrupty and turned around, hoping he was going to sweep me up into his arms and make me feel the way I used to feel, to fix all the damage, to erase every unpleasant thought, "I'd like a moment, if you can spare one?"
"Yeah, all right." I agreed as Severus and Dolohov continued a quick pace on their way to our dungeon common room.
Lucius lead me into a quite, dark classroom and lit a few candles as I seated myself atop a dusty desk. It was a classroom used infrequently that had currently fell into a state of abandonment, and bore the inmistakable signs of neglect. I watch him ignite the few candle stubs remaining along the wall of the room where I had settled and after they had began to burn slowly, I sat himself on the desk beside me, watching me carefully, as though examining my expression, searching inside my eyes for something he couldn't find.
"Listen, I had to say we broke up, so when Fabian finally hears about you and Gideon he won't ruin everything by remember that we're madly inlove." Lucius explained quickly, his voice tired and aggrivated "And I had to act like I was mad at you so it would be believable. You know I don't think you're any crazier than anyone else, and I'd rather make out with a house elf than see Fabian try to have sex with you, it was all just some things to say in the moment to be convincing, I'm sorry it caught you off guard, but you reacted like I'd just murdered your child, or something. It was immature, inappropriate and rude. I want an apology."
"Yeah, I'm sorry too," I conceded in a barely audible mumble, "I was just upset."
"I understand." He nodded curtly, not looking into my gaze any longer, but watching the flickering fire in the candle nearest to where he sat.
"About our fight the other evening-"
"Forget it, Bella." He waved his hand in a dismissive manner, "I love you."
"Love you too, but-"
"Drop it." He said, his voice final and dangerous, so I reluctantly sighed and accepted the hand he held out for me to hold. Together, we walked back to our dorms, the hour growing late, and the candles in the corriders dwindling. I had to write before i went to sleep though, you see, because I didn't want to forget it all. I am so emotionally wrecked, I might just sleep all day tomorrow, or through the entire weekend. My heart and mind have never needed so must rest.
Love,
Bella
November 7th
Dear Diary,
The weekend is now drawing to a slow close as the sun sets blood red beyond the mountains. In the distance, the last of the birds are sweeping across the trees of the forest, resolute on their journey south for the winter. Imagine having that sort of freedom, to be able to fly through countries to whereever you please? To decide on morning that it was too cold outside, and you'd like to just head south, and all you had to do was chose, and off you could fly, beyond the ruby red of the setting sun, to warmer ground.
I must truly be going mad, because I am jealous of the sparrows outside my window. Jealous of a bird? I'm mad, diary, entirely mad.
Anyway, yesterday nigh brought with it winds of such freezing intensity, that I was happy Gideon and I would be meeting not on the grounds, subjected to the wrath of the coming winter air, but more comfortable in the astronomy tower. However, this too was cold, and mainly exposed to the elements, and therefore I was relieved when, after 3 minutes shiver together, he suggested we sit on the steps below the peak of the tower. We left the bitter wind behind us, and sat side by side on a slightly uneven stone step, shutting the door behind us and absorbing the warmth of the castle. He had spread his arm across my shoulders, stroking my long hair gently as we talked quietly of the quiddich match to be held next weekend, the first match for both Slytherin and Gryffindor of the year. He seemed to be laboring under the delusion Gryffindor would flatten us.
"Come on, Bella, Potter is brill!" Gideon coaxed, convinced of his own mistake, "Support Gryffindor!"
"I'm not too fussed about quiddich really, but I do support my house, Gideon!" I said, pouting when I really wanted to push his blood traitoring arse down the flight of stone steps.
"But Lucius is on your team, and he's an utter git!" He protested, smiling down at me.
"I could say the same for half your team!" I retorted, sily desperatly trying to keep my anger in check, "I mean Potter? He's such a tool, he really is. I don't think your friend Wood likes me either, and he's captain, right?"
"Ah, well, he's coming around, Bella," Gideon assured me, now leaning his face closer to my own, I could see each individual eye lash, the gentle curve of his lips, the slightly flush on his cheek bones, "He's the only one who knows about us, and he's kept it a secret for us, he's well sound, really. And a damn good captain."
"If you say so, Gideon." I replied, unconvinced, but before I could continue we were engaged in a long succession of kisses, during which I pretended as assuringly as I could, that it was Roddy Lestrange... I mean Lucius... well, no I DO mean Roddy Lestrange, but don't tell anyone. I wondered, in the throws of wild passionate kisses with this blood traitor, where Roddy was, what he was doing, who he was talking to. I found myself hoping he wasn't anywhere near Carla, and I found myself wondering, if he might be wondering about me too.
I then nearly vomitted, for I was kissing a blood traitor and daydreaming about a quick witted git who was not Lucius, my boyfriend, the reason I was even in the DEY, the reason I knew to devote myself to the Dark Lord, the man I've loved for so long, that my love for him has become a part of me, a part of my life that cannot be ripped away without leaving a void.
I was so confused, I nearly cried while our mouths were still glued together on that cold stone staircase before the astronomy tower.
"What time is it?" I asked rather breathlessly after a few more moments.
"I don't know," He shrugged, "Getting bored of me already?"
"No, never," I said quickly, kissing him lightly on the lips, "I just wondered when you were going to tell everyone about, well, us."
"You want me to announce to everyone that we're snogging?" He grinned mischeviously.
"Maybe not, then," I said, thinking how much better it would be Fabian walked in on us, instead of hearing it directly from Gideon, and decided to back track a bit, "I just want to know you're not ashamed of me, being a Slytherin and all that."
"Nah," He shook his head, his long hair swaying across his bright eyes, "How could anyone be ashamed of you, Bella? You're gorgeous, smart, a great girl to kiss on dark stairwells, you have it all."
"You're a sweet talker," I whispered, vomitting slightly in my mouth, fighting the instinct to laugh wickedly and curse his head into a pumpkin.
"Sweet girls deserve sweet talkers, B." He whispered back, kissing me once more, and I managed to hold back the rest of the vomit, threating to flood upwards by thinking of Roddy. When we finally stood up to walk down the stairs, I was emotionally exhuasted, and wanted very badly to scream, to jump down the stairs, to hit him, and I was not entirely sure why. I was just overwhelmed, it was all too much, too much to pretend. But I held it together, for the DEY, for Lucius, for operation FTF, for Lestrange...
"You look upset," He noted keenly, observing my face with a gentle kindness I was not accostomed with, "What's wrong, beautiful?"
"Nothing, nothing," I waved away his concerns, "When can we see each other again? I must admit, I find myself rather excited whenever I'm in your company, Gideon. I never would have thought I'd fall for a Gryffindor."
"Monday night, 8pm sharp, under the staircase on the fourth floor... for some conversation and kisses," He grinned, planting a gentle kiss atop my forehead, and I felt the skin where his lips had brushes grow hot, "You know, I never thought I would fall for a Slytherin, but you are so much more than that."
With those final words of parting, he disappeared down the corner to where I knew his common rood would lay waiting. I made my way down the stairwell into the dungeon of the Slytherin common rooms, and bypassed Severus and Dolohov who were seated by the fire, books open and quills scratching furiously at half empty peices of parchment, and headed straight to my dorm, where I flung myself onto my bed, closed my eyes and found a sweet solace in slumber I could not find in waking.
However, even the solace in my sleep is short lived these days. I found myself involved in a dream of obscenely strange measure. It was so vivid in detail that it was entirely indisconcernable from reality. It was naught more than a series of images, like a series of moving photographs that you existed within, but upon waking, I found myself shuddering at the memory of that which was not even real. It wasn't real, I told myself, it was just a dream, just a dream...
I saw myself behind a hooded mask, my eyes the only visable feature on my face, and they glared through the slits, then the scene changed, and laying before me were two figures, their faces nothing more than blurs, but their screams of immeasurable agony echoed inside my head piercing through me, and then there were these demantors, taking me away, and I saw Roddy and Barty Jr. and a man I don't know, and we were struggling before crossing this gray ocean. Then I was in a cell, alone, shouting until I had no longer had a voice, before the scene changed at last to a man's cold laughter, and a green light hitting his chest, and he disapeared, beyond a tattered veil, and I was happy, thrilled infact, my scream of victory utterly a shriek of joy
"Bella!" Carla was shaking me fiercly, "Wake up, Bella, you were just screaming... a happy scream... was it a good dream?"
"No," I shook my head, dizzied from the visions, "I don't know, I mean. I'm sorry for waking you..."
"No matter, its morning now." She said brightly, "Get dressed and meet us for breakfast in the Great Hall, and uhm, feel better."
"Er, thanks," I replied groggily, and jumped out of bed. The dream has haunted me all day, whenever my mind rests the pictures come back, as vivid as they had been the night before. I setteled in the common room with Lestrange, Lucius, and Severus after breakfast, intent on finishing some lingering essays. I remained unusually silent as the day wore on and to my annoyance, Lucius kept asking if I was ill
"She's caught blood-traitor-itis." Lestrange teased, "Kiss a Gryffindor, become ill with the serious disease of blood-traitor-itis. Symptoms include becoming easily distracted, looking miserable, planning on signing your own death certificate, insanity, reckless 'bravery' also known as stupidity, and finally death at the hands of the Dark Lord. Its an incurable afflication, I hear."
"You're a moron," I told him, unable to surpress a small smile.
"Okay, so what IS your excuse for this oddly quiet behavior you seem to be exihibiting?" He said crossly, "It is most unlike you, you haven't been rude to a single person all day, not even a mudblood or a first year Hufflepuff, so what's the deal? Tired of your mission already, unable to stand the presense of such a foul little traitor? Throwing in the cloak? Ready to resign your wand, you big quitter?"
"No, for your information, as sickening as this job is I am handling it with the utmost of grace, persuasion, and bare in mind no intentions of surrender. I said I would complete this mission, and complete it I will." I replied, angrily, "I just don't have much to say right now, that's all. Weird dreams last night..."
"Yeah Carla mentioned you woke up screaming and thrashing about in your bed," He laughed, "Hot sex dream?"
"NO," I gritted my teeth, "It was a nightmare... or something like that... I don't really know. But there was definitely murder involved. and torture."
"Kinky" He chuckled, while Lucius rolled his eyes and Severus snickered openly.
"It wasn't like that, Lestrange," I growled, "And when did Carla tell you about my sleeping habits?"
"At breakfast, we chatted for a bit before you came down to join us," He replied off handedly, "Why do you ask, Bella my dear?"
"Just wondering," I said in a would-be-casual voice, jealousy bubbling viciously beneath my half hearted smile.
I finished my essay for misery charms for Flitwick after another hour or so, when Lucius departed for quiddich practice, Sererus accompanied his friend Mulciber to the library, and I found myself alone with Lestrange. I grabbed my transfirguation book and pretended to be intently fascinated by human transfiguration, though he must have noticed my eyes rereading the same few words repeatedly.
"What'cha working on, buddy?" He asked over his potions essay, "Do you require my assistance?"
"No, Lestrange," I replied in a dignified tone, "I am quite capable of doing my own homework. Why are you offering anyway, are you my house elf or something?"
"I'm your friend," He corrected me, smiling, "Friends help out friends, its a rule."
"You're not my friend, you're my associate." I corrected him now, my voice sincerely aloof, "I don't need friends, Lestrange, I am not a Hufflepuff."
"Yeah, yeah," He chuckled quietly, "We're friends and you know it. Too proud to admit to having a friend, Bella? Thats a bit excessive, isn't it? Open up a bit, give me a hug."
"No," I looked at him as though he'd gone completely mad.
"Why not?" He asked, laughing at my revulsion and holding his arms out towards me, his eyes glowing brightly, almost alluringly.
"What do you want a hug for?" I demanded, holding my transfiguration textbook tightly to my chest, as a shield.
"Just come here," He laughed harder than ever at my reluctance, "Its really not that difficult, even for you, Bella."
"For Merlin's sake, why do you pester me so?" I sighed, my exasperation evident in my voice, but I avoided his eyes, knowing that if they met mine I would be unable to oppress my natural urge to smile.
"Hug me," He demanded simply, and moved forward, wrapping his arms in a clumsy embrace around my waist, knocking us both to the floor, laughing slightly, "And that Bella, was a hug."
"I was well aware of the definition of a hug," I replied as he climbed off of me, "I just didn't want to engage you in one."
"For what reasons?" He demanded, his warm smile never faltering.
"Because you infuriate me," I replied, still holding my book tightly to me as though it would protect me from him, from myself.
"Yes I do, and you love it." He grinned and got to his feet, "I'm going to go watch the quiddish practice, I could use a bit of fresh air. Have fun, and if you get bored feel free to join me. Its cold outside, I may need someone to warm me up."
"And how would I warm you up, Lestrange?" I asked suspiciously, unsure if he meant what I thought he meant, part of me hoping he did.
"I can think of a few ways," He winked and began walking towards the exit of the common room and I stared after him, my eyes wide in indignation and fury and... excitement? I am a horrible girlfriend. The second he left the common room, I checked the immediate vicinity for potential onlookers, and upon deciding the coast was clear, I extracted you from the bottom of my book bag and detailed the weekend with what is, in my opinion, shocking clarity.
I find myself staring at the door he walked out of nearly an hour ago, as though he would appear again then soon, force an embrace upon me, and smile while looking into his eyes and scoop me into his muscular hands and fix everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. But then again, I would curse him if he tried to scoop me up, if he so much as touched me again, for I remain still in shock from the hug.
What is it about him, diary? Why am I betraying my plans and my future with these throughts of treason? I need a good nights sleep, one absent of haunting vivid nightmares, and soon everything will start to make sense again and Lucius and I will be madly inlove, Fabian will be crying over Gideon and I, and I will return to cursing mudbloods and first years in Hufflepuff. It will all be the same again, I'm reassuring myself, but part of me knows that this is just the beginning of the landslide of changes threatening to fall down upon us, like a cold steady rain. This is only a hint of what is to come, and I find myself longing for the simpler days. And then I curse my foolishness, for this is what I've always wanted: Glory, adventure, success, to be in the service of the Dark Lord. It will all come true, and it will be beautiful, and I must learn to adjust and ignore the pang of haunting dreams.
I bid you farewell, diary, and I hope that next time I write, I will find myself in better spirits.
Love,
Bella
