Chapter Nine: Ryou

Fall again. It's getting dark earlier and the leaves are starting to come down.

I'm up early and feeling like shit. I passed out in the living room after I drank too much. Not that it's unusual, but I'd been drinking less, recently... Probably since Kanji's been staying over.

He is trusting.

It's all...

I apologized for being a real jerk maybe two months ago. He took it in stride and we're back to normal.

But it's not 'normal' anymore.

Now I'm seeing it all differently. Like it's tainted.

Like I'm doing something awful—Even the only thing I've actually done is be an ass to a nice guy.

Kanji is coming over today. He called last night and that's why I started drinking.

One to take the edge off my paranoia. Another to take the edge off the only-slightly calmer feeling. Another to forget my past fuck-ups. Another to forget Kanji exists. Another to—

You get the drift.

So now I need to get my ass off of my couch and take a shower. And I should cook for Nanako and myself. Make at least a cursory effort to be a parent.

When I'm changing, I notice the new coffee mug on my dresser. It's still in the damn cardboard box from the store. I bought it on a whim—It looks like the other matching mugs, except it's purple. Same color as the dumb tank tops and sweaters that guy always wears.

But then I didn't even want him to know I'd gotten it. Though maybe it'll be okay. It might smooth things over between us; I've still been distant and a shitty friend. He wouldn't read into it, right?

I won't, right?

I kick my dresser, purposely stubbing my toes cause I don't know how else to take out my frustration without waking my innocent daughter. My foot hurts, but the rest of me has kicked into gear.

It's worse just leaving it in the box. Hiding it away in my room.

Validates that guilty feeling.

I take the damn thing downstairs, finally ripping it out of the cardboard. I grind fresh coffee, put it on, and grill fish. When Nanako comes down, it's a normal morning to her. I pass her food and her own cup, then sit down myself.

Kanji gets here halfway through breakfast. I tell him to get some food and pour himself a cup, knowing the purple mug is right next to the coffeemaker.

"This new?" Kanji quizzes, carrying everything over to the low table with us.

I nod slowly. "Yeah, you like it?"

"It matches ours, huh!" Nanako cheers. "Because Kanji's always over?"

"Yeah," I bite out. "Cause he's been our friend for so long. Even though I'm not always nice..."

Kanji beams, looking proud of the thing. "Thanks," he tells me.

"Don't," I reply, shaking my head. "It's nothing."

Please don't make me regret this.