Here we are - finially, sorry it's taken me so long to get this part up - but I've got exams on and work shifts coming out of my ears - so this got put on the back burner for a while. But at last - voila!
Just to warn you all, this is another (and the last - promise!) of my dialogue heavy - down in the dumps chapters - I promise that when the next chapter comes - it'll be happier - and a bit more ... merry! But thank you all very much - for persevering for so long!
Please review - as ever!
Anna stood at the front door, nothing had changed since she had last been here two years ago, but all the same – it wasn't quite the same. She raised a hand to knock on the door, took it back again, and then returned it ready to hard on the wooden door. The knocks were louder than she had thought, part of her almost wished that he wouldn't answer the door, but he did, she heard the slow ponderous footsteps that she knew so well. He opened the door slowly, the face that confronted her wasn't quite the one she knew however, a bruise that was still fresh and dark purple extended over his jaw, with a cut to his eyebrow.
"Anna?"
"John – Jesus, what happened to your face?" Said Anna, her feet already over the threshold, and his face in her hands, she ran a finger along his jawline feeling for breaks in the bone.
"My fa? … Oh, nothing – one of my girls threw a chair across at me when I told her off for TWOCing." He tried to laugh, but he was acutely aware about how close Anna was to him, she withdrew her hands quickly as though she sensed it too. He swallowed hard, what was she doing here? Not that it wasn't welcome … but it'd been so long since he'd seen her, she'd cut her hair a little shorter now, shoulder length and instead of the curls that she wore when they were last together it hung in softer waves, just resting on her cardigan.
"I thought that maybe it was time for us to talk …"
"You think so do you?"
"I'm sorry; I mean I know that sorry barely covers it. But … can I come in?"
"Sure – why not."
Sat in John's living room, on the sofa she had curled up on with him – a sofa they had made love on … she sat there, sipping the proffered cup of tea and tried to look John in the eye, easier said than done if she was honest. Shame radiated through her as she looked at him and saw the emptiness inside him, like a deflated balloon.
"You know I …"
"Yes?"
"I … I don't know. I feel like such a total …"
"Witch? Whore? Cow? Total and utter bitch?"
"… Yep – all of them pretty much."
"Well you shouldn't. Because you weren't."
"Stop being so nice John! I treated you like a total bitch – I should have spoken to you."
"Possibly, but I don't hold it against you."
"John Jesus – don't be so nice … and honorable!"
"I'm not – I'm being honest. You were angry with me, I deceived you – and so you didn't want me."
"It's not that simple … I was angry yes – I was upset and hurt and I didn't want to see you – but that all changed a long time ago – I would have come back to you after a month or so … except - except that it'd been too long, I couldn't come and see you without feeling like I would have to explain myself, and behaving like a child … and then I … I suppose I just got really scared of what would happen if I did come back … and things moved on and suddenly it was two years later and my Mam's talking about me getting married … and I don't want to – well at least not to Joe, and that's when I realized – how much I needed you …"
"Who's Joe?"
"He's my … sort of boyfriend I … Joe Mosley, he's been after me for years and after you I just was desperate for something … anything. He's in my department at school."
"And do you love him?"
"He loves me very much ..."
"That's not what I asked Anna ..."
"Not even a little bit, and to be honest I barely even like him anymore - he just annoys me ... everything he does gets under my skin, his breathing - the way he puts glasses on the draining board the right way up ... who does that! And just - God it's all such a mess!"
"It is rather isn't it ..."
"You know - when I was younger, I thought that as 28 I would be married - with babies and a sheepdog ..."
"That could still be arranged..."
"What?"
"I still love you Anna, just as I always have, from when you walked into your living room in your underwear to when we spent the weekend in Clive. And if there is any chance that you still love me then I'll take it with both hands."
"Things could never be the same."
"No ... but we could have something new. I still love you, I'll still look after you, and I'll still try and make you laugh!"
"I'll have to do some things of course, speak to Joe … if we do …"
"We do what?"
"If we do decide to … make a go of things."
"Do you want to?"
"I think more than you could ever know John. I just – I need to speak to Joe. I might not love him, but that doesn't mean I don't have to show him some respect. Can I ask though – about Vera? What happened?"
"I did as she asked, you had left – I saw no point in making my life more of a misery. I went up to the Dub and spoke in her defense. I didn't get her off of course, but I think it made some kind of difference, she didn't go to prison – suspended sentence …"
"Have you spoken to her since?"
"No point – not for her, you knew about my secretes, she had no power over me."
"Then I've done something for you at least!"
"Oh Anna – you did everything for me, the year we were together was one of the greatest of my life."
"I know – I love you, I always did. But … are we going to be able to go back to how we were, I mean really? I know stuff about you – and you know what an unfeeling bitch I can be!"
"We had to know about more about one another at some point – we couldn't have carried on together not knowing … but now that we do know – surely we can only get stronger."
"…. You're sure this is what you want John? Is there anything else I should know though – anymore skeletons in the cupboard?"
"None. No children – no crack addictions and no affairs with members of the aristocracy – I'm clean!"
"I'll speak to Joe – I'll speak to him tonight…"
Sat on Joe's sofa Anna was very aware of Joe's look of shock and pain, part of her felt a little guilty, but she had a distinct feeling of relief at the same time. She swallowed hard and placed a hand on his knee, trying to comfort him – he turned to her, staring her in the eye he took on a desperate look somewhere between a puppy about to be sent out in the rain – and a child caught with their hand in the biscuit barrel.
"Anna … I'm begging you – think again! We can make this work – is it me, is it something that I've done?"
"No it's nothing specific – it's just I think we aren't quite … I think that I'll never be what you really want, and I don't think that you're what I really want for the rest of my life … I need something else – someone else …"
"Who is he? Come on Anna – don't treat me like I'm a fool – who the hell is it?"
"It's no-one … it's just, I realized that I need more than what we've got. I need more than you calling me 'babes' in front of your mates with your hand on my arse … or feeling like I'm thick because I can't choose the right wine to go with beef – because … because, Jesus Joe, I shouldn't feel guilty for liking white wine or for crying at the Eastenders Christmas special. It's been so long since I didn't have to feel guilty for being me! I like to read trashy books – I like sci-fi films – I like Lambrini – I like to wear that brown coat you hate, and I don't care if it makes me look daft because it makes me feel like Sherlock Holmes! And I've realized that I don't care if you don't like those things about me anymore – they're me, and I need someone who doesn't mind that. I'm sorry."
"But Anna …"
"No Joe – there's no buts – nothing you say right now can change this … we're over."
"Just – just tell me this one thing Anna. When you leave here tonight, where will you go? Your place or his?"
"I told you Joe, there's no-one else!"
"There's John Bates though … I could never compete – I always knew that – you're going back to him aren't you?"
"I'm … in love with him, I have been for a long time and I think I just never realized it … but – I have never cheated on you Joe – that I promise."
"You swear?"
"I swear Joe – you're a fantastic – lovely – man, but you're not the one for me, and I'm not the one for you – not really. I'll come and collect my stuff in a few days – if that's OK?"
"Of course. Good luck Anna – and thank you – for this much at least."
"You too Joe – you too!"
