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Chapter 9 - Confused

My heart was pounding and I was breathing faster than normal.

"S...S...Since no one is here I think I had better go back to Grandpa's." I stammered as I struggled to removed myself from his embrace and head for the door.

"Nessie, wait. I'm sorry." he called after me.

"I will see you later Jake." I did not look back. I could not. I knew if I did I would see hurt across his face yet again and he would see the confusion on mine.

I drove slowly back to Grandpa's house trying to sort out the emotions running through me. I had no idea what was happening. What was wrong with me? Why did I react that way? When I got there I still had no answers. Grandpa was surprised to see me.

"Nessie, what are you doing back? I thought you were having a sleep over with Alice." he was looking out to see if I was alone.

"So did I Grandpa. It seems Alice decided Jake and I needed to talk."

"So did you talk?"

"A little. I might even go down to La Push tomorrow." Maybe that would stop him from asking about Jake for a few days.

"That's good. I'm working anyway. You should catch up with Emily and Rachel."

"I am tired. I will see you in the morning." I gave him a kiss on the cheek and headed upstairs. I took a few minutes to get changed and brush my teeth. When I climbed into bed I let the tears flow and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning when I awoke, Grandpa had already left. I headed down to La Push and caught up with Emily and Rachel. It was nice to have some girl time. I prayed that I would not run into Jake and I was relieved when Emily said Jake and Sam had gone on patrol. We spent most of the morning down at the beach talking. Neither of them mentioned Jake and I was grateful.

I said my goodbyes just after lunch but I was not ready to go back to Grandpa's so I went to the main house instead. There was still no one there. I let myself in and sat down at the piano letting my fingers run along the keys. I pulled out the blank sheet music that I had purchased and started writing. I did not know how long I sat there playing and writing but when I looked up it was dark outside. The buzzing of my cell broke my concentration. It was Grandpa.

"Hey Grandpa."

"Nessie. Where are you? I was getting worried. When I spoke to Emily she said you left there at lunch time."

"Sorry Grandpa. I am at the main house. I guess I lost track of time. I will be home soon. Just let me lock up."

"Alright I'll see you soon."

I quickly packed up, taking my unfinished composition with me and headed back to Grandpa's. When I looked at the clock in the car it was after nine o'clock. No wonder Grandpa was worried.

I spent the next few days at the main house working on my music. It was a nice distraction. The music seemed to flow and I had two whole compositions completed by the end of the third day. On the fourth day I took a blank CD with me and recorded them. I had just finished when Rosalie and Alice turned up.

"Hey Alice, hi Rose."

"Hey Ness. What are you doing here by yourself? Where's Jake?" Rosalie asked looking around confused.

"I am not a kid anymore. I do not need supervision twenty four seven." I snapped at her.

"I know. I just expected Jake to be here with you. You two are usually joined at the hip." she came back with.

"Sorry. I did not mean to snap. Dad gave me a key so I could use the piano."

"Oh. Did you write something new?" Alice asked.

"Sure did."

"Well. Are you going to play it for us?" Rose asked.

"Sure." I played the first minute of the second composition I had written.

"Wow. That's beautiful. I can't wait to hear the whole thing."

"Thanks. So what brings you to Forks?"

"You actually." Alice said cheerfully. "Hunting time."

"But Jake only took me on Monday." It surprised me that they would think I would need to go so soon or did they think that I had not been.

"So you two sorted it out?"

"Kinda sorta."

"What do you mean?"

"Well we talked and I think he forgave me but I have not seen him since."

"Ness. What's going on?" Damn. Trust Alice to keep at it.

"Nothing." I replied trying to sound like everything was fine. "Can hunting wait until tomorrow? I have some stuff I need to do." I did not wait for an answer. I grabbed the CD from the player and my compositions and headed out the door.

"See you tomorrow." I called over my shoulder. I could feel them staring after me. I did not really have anything to do I just could not take anymore of their probing. If they kept going I would inadvertently spill out the looks between Jake and me that leave me confused and I did not want to get into that with them.

I headed back to Grandpa's and put my compositions away. I put the CD that I had made into the CD player on the nightstand and listened to what I had recorded. I had to admit it was good. What I did not want to admit to myself was I had written one of the compositions for Jake. It was my apology to him. I took the CD out of the player and put it back in its case and put it in the top drawer of the nightstand.

The next morning I was surprised to see Jake waiting for me. I had not seen him all week.

"Hey Jake." I welcomed him with a confused expression on my face.

"Hey Ness. Alice rang and asked me to get you." He was smiling so that was a good sign, was it not?

"Alice and Rose are meant to take me hunting."

"Oh. I could have done that" He looked put out that I had not asked them.

"I know. They showed up yesterday whilst I was at the main house." I added trying to make things right. I headed out the door and Jake followed.

"What were you doing there?" Now he looked confused.

"Using the piano. Dad gave me a key before they left."

"Did you write something new?"

"No." I lied. "Playing relaxes me."

I headed for my car but Jake grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the wood. I thought I saw a slight grin cross his face.

"Alice said we were meeting them near our old hunting spot. Wait here while I phase." I nodded not trusting myself to say anything.

We met up with Alice and Rosalie just as he had said. Even though it had only been a week since I had been hunting I was surprisingly thirsty and the hunt gave me a chance to compose myself.

"Alice, why did you want us to meet you here and not at the main house?" I asked as we headed back.

"You'll see." She was grinning so I knew she had a surprise for me.

When we got back my surprise was the whole family. I was so nice to see everyone again. Esme was having major renovations done to the house they had bought so they had decided to come and visit for a few days until it was finished. There were a couple of sunny days predicted and it would not be good for them to be seen by the builders. Even though they could do the renovations themselves, Carlisle wanted to employ local builders. He said it was a strategy to get people to accept him and his family. Make the family seem like we were normal, humans.

Mum pulled me aside later that afternoon and took me to Grandpa's to get some of my things for their stay. She said nothing until our return trip.

"Are you ready to come home yet?"

"No. I am not ready. I am actually enjoying Forks. I like it here. I wish we did not have to leave."

"That is not what I meant but I would like to stay too. I miss it here as well."

"You meant back to the main house? Again no. I would rather stay at Grandpa's but I will stay with you until you leave again." She looked at me as if she wanted to say more but changed the subject instead.

"So did you write any music yet?"

"Yeah, I did. Maybe I will play it for you later."

"That would be nice. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No."

"Renesmee, sweetie." she started to say but I interrupted her.

"Mum please. You said you would not push."

"I know, I thought you might be ready."

"No. Not ready." We had just reached the start of the driveway to the main house when she pulled over without warning.

"Sweetie." She turned to look at me. "I know you don't want to talk about whatever it is you think you need to do by yourself but please, think about it." She reached over and pushed my hair behind my ear. "If you are not able to talk to me then please talk to someone, anyone. Just don't bottle it up. It will only make it worse." I looked away and out the side window. A few tears escaped and I brushed at them with the back of my hand. I understood what she was saying but I was not able to talk to her, not yet.

"I will meet you at the main house." I choked out. I leapt from the car and started to run. I could feel her sad eyes watching me as I disappeared into the woods. I stopped at the edge of the river looking at the main house, knowing everyone was there and they would be concerned when I did not return with Mum. I sat there watching the light disappear behind the trees, once again the tears fell silently down my face. What was wrong with me? Why did I cry all the time? Why all of a sudden did Jake looking at me affect me like this? I thought about what mum had said about talking to someone, anyone but there was no one I could talk to. I would have to do this alone.

I heard the quiet foot steps come up behind me and stop, not sure what to do. Keep coming or wait for an invitation. I knew them better than anyone.

"Jake." I wiped at the tears with my hand.

"Hey Ness." He must have been watching me because the next thing I knew he was sitting next to me with his arm wrapped lightly around me.

"Ness what's wrong?" I shook my head and slumped to the ground forcing him to remove his arm.

"Jake, it's okay. I'll take it from here." Dad had obviously heard my distressed thoughts or Mum had told him I had run and she sent him looking for me.

"I think it might be best if you go back to La Push tonight." Jake did not answer. I only heard the soft retreat of his footsteps and then the pad of paws as he phased and left.

Dad left me where I was, sitting patiently next to me. He said nothing waiting for me to talk to him. My mind was going over and over these last couple of months. I was trying to work out what it was that I had done differently to cause these reactions in me. I could come up with no answer.

"Dad?" I said as I slowly sat up.

"Yeah, sweetie."

"I know you have been listening to my thoughts. I know you know what is going on in my head. What is happening to me?"

"Nothing is happening to you. It's called growing up."

"But I do not understand, why now? Why is everything so….so confusing?"

"Most of what you are going through is normal. The reason I think you are struggling is it is hitting you all at once. What most teenagers go through over several years you have gone through in just over one plus they have friends who are going through it at the same time, friends to talk to. You have never had any close friends your own age to go through it with. You have only had us - your family. I know you have some stuff you don't feel comfortable discussing with us. I know you're confused and it is making you miserable.

"I hate feeling this way. I keep hurting everyone, especially Jake."

"You will only hurt yourself more if you keep punishing yourself like this." He pulled me onto his lap like he always did when I was upset and kissed me on the top of the head. "Sweetie you can sit out here and feel sorry for yourself or you can come inside. I promise no one will say anything. We know you will talk to us when you're ready. Just promise me you won't leave it too long."

"I promise. Thanks Dad."

We headed inside as if nothing was wrong. Just like Dad said no one said anything. I went to the piano and started playing softly to myself. After about a half an hour Mum came and sat next to me.

"You said earlier you wrote something new. Can you play it for me?"

"Sure."

I played the song that I had played for Alice and Rose in full. When I had finished Mum kissed me on the cheek.

"That was beautiful."

"Thanks Mum."