AN: well i have always said that i do not abandon my fics, i may break from this for a while but never abandon them. Really its all a matter of my muse going to sleep on me while in the midst of writing. Anyway, for those new to this fic please leave me reviews on what you do or dont like, I love to hear it and it helps me write, as I'm trying to re-kindle this muse/fic it'll be all the more helpful. Please also keep in mind since the last time i attempted to write on this, I feel that i've grown so it might be a large jump in style since the last chapter. I think there's just one chapter left. ^_^ tell me what you want! THANKS to my beta for this miss Evenstar!


9. Life went on, But not for Him.


He hated to sleep, hated it more then he had ever hated anything in all his long life. Why he hated it so, it was because she was there, she who'd left him, she who had forced him to care for her without ever having done anything at all, he hated it so, because she was there when ever he closed his eyes to rest. Every time he slipped into the land of dreams it was almost always the same. In dreams were the only place that they could find each other, they had a few places in his mind that they met at.

One had been their clearing, where she'd conceived their son, another was a beautiful hot spring, one more was the clearing where the bone eaters well sat, and the last was by a waterfall. One of these four places were always where he dreamed of her. At first, it was surreal, they talked and got to know one another in more then just a physical way. He was open in these dreams where he was not needed to guard anything but her heart. She spoke of her world beyond the well, and why she was so different from anyone he'd ever met, youkai and human alike.

While he told her about his puphood, and life as the current Inutasihou. They shared so much, and even tentatively fell in love, the dreams were so real and yet when he woke he couldn't help but feel bitter towards what was going on, these apparitions were nothing more then his own inner-self manifesting what had never been, and what he could never have. These dreams were intangible, but he didn't even know why he was so upset about them. All he'd really wanted was an heir, she gave him that, and yet he felt like a part of himself was gone, missing.

Though as hard as he fought sleep, as much as he longed not to join her in the resting world, a part of him looked forward to it. It was the one place he could tell her of their pup. These dreams were his heaven, he longed for them as much as he hated them, but he could never deny her. So long ago had she been of their world and even now, their pup was fifty summers old, the same as a five year old human child, it was the only place she got to know of him. Sesshomaru could never stop himself from showing how proud he was of their pup. It was only one more thing to regret that she had not been able to share the pup with him.

She did not get to feed him, or hold him when he cried. She did not see him when he first crawled or walked, nor was she there for his first words. And she was not there to answer questions about where his mother was. Part of him resented her for leaving them, for taking things from his pup, but the more logical side of him knew better. She had an honor and duty to the jewel before they'd even met. Given him what he wanted, and yet still she was the one who was wronged for it all. He cursed the gods as he lay down once more in his chamber, a place he had never shared with his mate. Sleep claimed him as always.

Again he lapsed into his torture, wanting to take her as he had not taken any other in her stead. He longed for their passionate dreams to be a reality, realizing that whether he had wanted it or not his soul was already tied to the little miko, she was irreplaceable. He did not dare bring a bitch home to his palace, there would be nothing, no one to endanger the life she had brought into the world with him, their pup, especially not from jealous bitches that wanted nothing more then to birth him another pup so it could replaces Kagome's. He'd killed more then a few, and even now the pup slept in a room adjacent to his own, his senses no mater what were on high alert, even when he met her in the world of dreams.

He wondered what place he would find her in tonight. The last time had been the clearing of the bone-eater's well, but as the fog of sleep worked its way over his mind it had turned out to be the hot springs. Sighing he wondered where she was, she was always here before him, waiting, yet she was not here that he was aware of. Sitting down near the springs on the boulders they had claimed theirs long ago, the demon lord waited.

From the depths of the water she came forth, looking like a water nymph there to tempt him to his depth. It was not the first time she had taken a bath in his presence, and yet, he wasn't sure if he wanted to go as far tonight as he had others. Usually if she had her way, they would copulate their mating, it wasn't unheard of to have wet dreams, but still, every time he had them he woke up needing a dip in a cold bath. It was becoming harder to deal with this chaotic thought, this remembrance.

"Mate." she called out to him, her voice was always alluring, and yet he did not turn toward her, did not want to indulge in her flesh even in dream, he was already too attached to her memory, if he did this, he would never be able to let her go. That was what he'd been told about his mating. His council had been saying he needed a mate. He was avid that he had one already, and while they did not dare to doubt him aloud, none had ever seen her. They had only known that the Lord had brought home a pup, never having even seen its mother. They were urging him to take another, to have a second, a back up. He did not want one, could not have one.

Kagome had more than enough time come to understand this being that sat before her, not looking her direction. He was silent, beautiful, deadly. More then a perfect lover, and mate, more then like a perfect father, but he was troubled. She knew some things that were going on in his life, and yet, it was only what he allowed her to know. She wanted to make sure he knew he had someone. Rising out of the water, she dried as if by magic, after all it was a dream. Clothing fading in upon her body, she was dressed in some sort of slip on dress. Something she would wear in her own time.

She came towards him pressing her hand gently on his shoulder only for him to pull back from her. She didn't hide her silent shock or hurt, but she couldn't help but ask, "Maru?" came her quiet voice, asking what was wrong without saying it.

"I cannot keep doing thing." he said not using third person in her presence something they had talked about long ago. She waited for him to continue not knowing what to say. Silent minutes past before he felt the need to speak again. "Every time I come here, you become that much more tantalizing to me, you become real and yet you are intangible to me. I cannot wake by your side, I cannot see you laugh with out pup. I cannot continue to torture myself with you. You are gone. And this…" he said gesturing out to the world around them, "This is madness."

Kagome sat silently, collecting her thoughts, willing herself not to cry, she hated crying. She hated the feeling of tiny pricks in her eyes before the tears welled up to fall. She hated the slight swelling of her nose for only moments before she gave in. Berating herself for the heat of her blood flushing her face and settling in her lips a bit as she cringed her eyes tight together, as if willing his words away. She took in a startled silent breath, turning away from him fully. Not knowing what to say to that. What could she say.

Without him she lived in darkness, without him she lived alone, tortured by the voices of souls trapped within, he was her only solace, her only connection to freedom of the jewel even if for only a small bit time. How could she tell him this, how could she e so selfish to ask that he actually care for her, want to be in her presence? She could not. She'd made a choice, and it was the jewel. Not her lover, not her son, not life, nor death, it had been duty, something she had never once asked for. In all her time never before had she truly wished she were free of such a heavy burden.

She said nothing as she walked in front of him, leaning into him, her tears not bothering to stop, not hiding her sorrow, or her weakness, allowing herself to be fragile if only once in his presence. She closed her eyes, and kissed him gently, he resisted, only a little before kissing her back.

It was chaste, and sweet, it was her goodbye. "I release you." the words were whispered, but he felt it down to his very core, as the world and Kagome dissolved away, like they had every other time, in every other dream, only this time, instead of an adoring look in her eye, her back was turned to him, as the almost silent sound of her sob reached him. He reached out to say…… what he didn't know. But it was too late, it was over.

A slight burning sensation on his thumb woke him fully. It was the only scar on his body that had never truly healed, the place where physically they had become one by blood. Furrowing his brow, he could feel it, his bond with her was broken, and slowly diminishing, he would be free of her within the time it took the scare to fade over, perhaps two days at most.

He was not pleased at all. His teeth, fang and jaw alike clenched tight, the muscles flexing as his nose flared. Moving away from his son, he went out to his balcony, and looked out at the night sky, cursing the gods themselves for the massive crushing feeling he suddenly felt in his very being, in his soul. The unheard rage and howl of utter lose from his beast because they could no longer feel her.

~

Kagome retreated into the darkness, forgetting the voices, and losing herself into her grief. She had never intended to fall in love again, not after Inuyasha, and though it had not happened suddenly, she could easily admit that she had loved him, more then she had ever loved the hanyou. She would do anything for him, even letting him go. Had she a body she knew she'd be crying, had she a heart, she knew it'd be breaking. But she had nothing of the sort.

~

Shin and his father had been her guardians from the moment she had left the world with the jewel. She Kagome, had defied fate, and as such they had been charged with watching over her, while she held the jewel's power a bay. Waiting while the kami themselves deliberated about what to do.

Humans were the kami's children, as such eat one had the potential to great and awesome things, but only few ever did. Kagome's rolls in life had belt dealt to her, her fate written, and yet, she had gone against it, made it her own. Leaving behind holes in history yet written, places to fill. Shin's daughter had been needed for other things, and she was not there to do them.

He didn't know how long it would take but he knew they would have to finish soon. He couldn't tell what was going on, but Kagome's aura around the jewel was changing, and he wasn't sure but he had thought he'd not only heard a small crack, but also felt and saw one forming in the smooth surfaces of the dulling jewel. He didn't know what was happening, but he hoped his daughter was okay. His father too was worried, too many years of watching out for her, watching over her, he could not stop himself even in the afterlife. Sharing his feelings with his father, neither of them cared if they disturbed the kami themselves as they talked over the situation. Both could not see the jewel cracking.

Busting his fist on the door, Shingke, Shin's father awaited for it to open. Slowly the heavy wooden door, with cloud-like carvings of nothing but wonder opened. A being of immense beauty opened the door, her raven tress flowing on winds unseen, her skin so bright and golden, it could only be the Lady Amaterasu herself. Her voice was a sound indiscernible as she spoke, 'Yes?' she questioned. Both Higurashi male stood in awe of her before Shin could speak.

"Something's happening with the jewel." thrusting the object up to her so she could see as she towered greatly over both mortal souls, her delicate fingers grasped the jewel, looking intently at it as she turned from both males, going back to speak with her brother's about what there was to do. And leaving the Higurashi's to wait it out yet again.