A/N: Sorry for the length in between updates life got in the way. The chapter title says 17 and in the first draft Shermy was 17 in this and it was the winter holidays (in ATOTS it's snowing when Ford and Stanley meet up wtf is with that if it's July 4th) but since I set the date of Ford's disappearance as July the 4th as is more or less canon, it meant adjusting the dates in this. Shermy's birthday is the 18th of August and the day of Stanley's accident was listed as the 26th of July she is not quite 17 here but we have enough chapters of 16yo Sherm as is. I swear the timeline of this show is so unreliable.
Filbrick Pines is a very complex character in my head but I have less desire to show that here, so if it seems he's an abusive dick that's because... he is an abusive dick and he may have his own rationale but seriously kicking out your kid isn't okay and I decided I didn't want to explain away his behaviour with excuses in this because he's an easily real character without them.
oo0o0oo0oo
26th July 1987
There was motor oil in her hair, all over her clothes. Despite her best efforts there was even a little motor oil on the baby, just above his eyebrow, he didn't care. He didn't care about anything, he was close to sleeping. Isaac needed noise to sleep and he was quite happy to listen to her muck about, soft body resting against her chest, her free arm supporting him. She set the wrench down on the ground beside her bike and wiped the oil across her forehead.
"How we doing little guy?" she asked, softly.
Isaac clenched a tiny death grip around her finger, a bubble of spit blowing on his lips. His eyes were closing slowly, steady breath carrying him off to sleep.
"Yeah I know the feeling." She said to her sleeping son and the garage packed with boxes of her brother's old stuff. Her voice reverbed slightly off the various surfaces, it bounced of her bike and the workbench.
"Come on then, bud. Let's go upstairs to put you to bed."
Isaac didn't answer, he was three and a half months old, and by his understanding everything could be bed if he tried hard enough.
Sherm wiped the Oil off his head with spit and the fabric of her t-shirt.
She carried him upstairs humming to him the first thing to pop into her head, a guitar riff from some catchy Bowie song that she'd had on in the garage while she was screwing around with her bike.
She made her way upstairs through into the living/dining room, Julie had invited her to a friend's apartment " to just hang out catch up and talk about life you know" She hadn't known Julie all that long they been dating for almost a month, and wondered if that was just some kind of code for weed.
Shermy didn't really have any time for that these days, she was exhausted she just wanted to see the cute girl she was dating and get to spend time together as a person not a human appendage attached to a baby.
She wanted to be herself for a bit. She probably could do with a shower first and check there was enough expressed milk left in the fridge to tide Isaac over until this evening.
Her mother was talking to someone in hushed tones, a friend on the phone? Her father? A reading?
Sherm thought nothing of it and went into her room to put Isaac down.
They'd finally got rid of her brothers' old bunk beds and moved around most of the furniture so Shermy could fit in a new single bed, her old crib and a changing table. The desk still stayed put, now filled with baby gear as well as boxes of Stanford's old school trophies and the like.
She set her son down in his crib, Isaac kicked his legs for a bit but was almost entirely asleep already. Shermy wiped the leftover traces of motor oil from his forehead with a wet wipe. She wiped the excess from her hands as well and turned on the baby monitor. Before she left she pressed a kiss to her son's soft slightly damp forehead.
"Sleep well, little man." She whispered on her way out the door.
She wandered into the main room, mentally tossing up if she should eat before she went out, but her thoughts were interrupted by the muffled sound of crying.
She stopped, looking at her mother, standing with her back to her, head bowed.
"Ma?" There came no answer, just more sniffling.
Shermy made a fist with her hand, something was wrong. Her mother made a big deal out of trying to not cry in front of her daughter.
She tried asking again. "Ma, is everything okay?"
Opal Pines turned around, her eyes heavy and lidded, dregs of mascara and eyeliner leaving butterfly kisses under her eyes.
She looked at her daughter like she was the sun, her happiness, her little Shermy,
"Do you know what day it is today, bubba?" she asked, in a voice mixed with tears.
Sherm closed her arms across her chest for comfort and strained her head to think. It was the summer holidays, she wasn't exactly paying attention to the date.
"Um. Monday?" She said stealing a glance at the calendar, "Monday the 26th of July?"
"It's the Jahrzeit, Shermy, it's your brother's Jahrzeit." Her mother looked so old, her face lined and stained with tears holding a white candle in her hands.
"Oh my g- Mom, I'm so sorry. It completely escaped me."
"That's alright, honey, you've had a lot on your plate. I didn't light it last night because your father was around and I know he doesn't want to be there for this. Is Isaac asleep?"
Shermy nodded without a word.
"Do you want to help me?" Opal sounded near to begging.
"Of course, Ma. I'll clear a space on the windowsill"
"I've already done that, we just need to light it."
"We'll do it together, then."
"Thank you, my darlin'." She sniffled again, pressing a kiss to Shermy's soft brown hair.
"My darling little girl."
"Not so little anymore." replied Shermy.
Opal smiled, a little bit of it even reached her eyes.
"No, that's true." She said.
They moved over the living room window that faced out onto the street. Opal had set up her own mother's silver filigree holder they used to hold Jahrzeit candles.
She gave Shermy the matches as her own hands were trembling too much to light.
Shermy struck the match and held it out for them to hold together. They lit the candle. Shermy extinguished the match. The room was quiet, reverent even.
She thought of Stanley, her big brother she hardly got to know. Her throat hurt, she felt so conflicted. She didn't feel all that attached to him, but at the same time she felt his absence every day.
"How's it been five years without him Shermy?" her mother's voice cracked.
"I don't know, Mom. I don't know." She wrapped her arms around her mother's bony waist and hugged her close. She smelt like incense and rose water. Opal pines hugged her daughter back with all her strength.
"I just keep hoping one of these days, I'm gonna call out and both my baby boys are gonna come upstairs for dinner." She mumbled into her daughter's shoulder.
At almost seventeen Shermy was noticeably taller than her, though still tiny compared to her father and brothers.
"Oh Ma. I do too."
"Five whole years, bubbele."
I know. It feels even longer to me. It was more like seventeen years to me. I never knew Stanley.
This was probably the wrong thing to say as her mother burst into fresh tears.
"He's never gonna get to meet his nephew. You were already denied a brother, now Izzy is without an uncle."
"I know, Ma. Come on now, si'down at the table." She guided her mother to the living room table.
"You gots something black on your face, darl."
"It's motor oil. I was fixing up my bike so I can go out later. You're still okay to look after Isaac, right? I mean I can cancel if you're not feeling up to it."
"No, Shermy honey. I can manage looking after my own grandson, I'm not working this afternoon neither. So you can have a nice time with your little friends. You've been working too hard lately, what with all your schoolwork catch up and the baby."
"Is Dad downstairs?"
"No he's gone down the pier."
"Oh." The pier had slot machines, the pier had shitty smoky bars that catered to fishermen and the bad kind of tourist. Her father was spending more and more time there these days and time, as he always said, was money.
Opal squeezed her daughter's hand. "It's hard on him too, honey."
"Yeah, I guess." Shermy wasn't sure if that fact was she didn't believer her mother or if it was she just couldn't care about how her Pop was feeling about all of this. He's made his bed, snarled an uncharitable thought, now he's got the rest of his life to lie in it.
That's more than he ever gave Stanley.
o0o0oo0o0o0
She'd just wanted to get out of the house for a bit. Hang out with Julie and her weird arty friends. It was the summer holidays, and the temperature outside was in the low nineties. She was going stir crazy stuck at home but there weren't many of her old hang out spots that were kid friendly.
She just needed to get out and do something. She needed to felt almost seventeen again.
She called Julie before she left and got her friend's address from her, then pulled her bike out of the garage.
"Ma, are you sure that you'll be fine without me?" She said heading back into the house and getting her bag together.
Opa; waved a dismissive hand. "I'll survive, honey. Are there bottles in the fridge?"
Shermy nodded. "Yeah should be plenty,"
"You won't be too late home will you?"
"No, Mom I'll try to be home before nightfall."
"Thanks, darl. You're too good to me, Shermy."
"Don't get all schmaltzy, Ma. You're my mother, you literally brought me into the world. Don't act like you don't deserve a kid who respects you just because Ford's got his head stuck far up his own ass and poor Stanley's not around no more."
"Be nice to your brother. He was good to you when you needed him.
"Yeah, he was and I'm grateful but I haven't heard from him since Isaac was born. Ford promised when we saw him off he'd keep in touch and it's been months now. I mean a phone call now and then wouldn't kill him, Ma."
He probably just doesn't have the time, bubby."
Her daughter frowned. "Then he should make the time."
Sherm let's just drop the subject, okay? I'm tired and it's a day of remembrance, yeah? We should be thinking about our Stanley.
"I don't have any memories of him, Moms. I wish I did."
Opal sighed again, shaking her dark head. "I know honey, I know. Go have a nice time with your friends. Don't let this old crone keep you here any longer.
"Give Izzy a kiss from me, Bubbe." Shermy said, brushing out her hair. She disappeared back into her room and changed the t-shirt she'd slept in into a light blouse with tiny blue flowers printed on it, she pulled on some slacks, they were a little hot for this weather but if she was riding her bike it paid to be protected..
She hadn't had a chance to have a shower so she fussed a bit with makeup and earrings, making herself presentable enough that her face and clothes didn't scream "I am a sleep deprived single mother with no friends."
The current trend of big hair was working to her advantage that day as the humidity made her hair frizz and splay out all over the place, frustrated she tied it back in a ponytail.
0o0o0o0o0oo
Julie's friends lived on the other side of Glass Shard Beach, away from the waterfront, in a tiny little two-story apartment block, not far from the high school. Shermy arrived a little after four. Julie was waiting for her in the front doorstep, she greeted her with a soft peck on the lips and showed her in up the stairs and into the living room. Three others sat sprawled over the armchairs, one girl sat with a spread of coloured cards stretched out over the floor.
"Hey guys this is Shermy." Julie said her hand hovering gesturing in the air. The three strangers made "Shermy this is Lorraine, Kurt, Clara and Benji is around somewhere.
"He's gone to buy smokes" Said one of the girls who Shermy thought she recognised from Temple, Lorraine, Shermy thought that was what Jules said her name was. She was in Shermy's year at high school too. The others were noticeably older, Kurt and Clara were both at their first year of college with Jules.
"Hey" she said with an awkward little wave. She didn't know what else to say and she wanted to play it cool. She clenched a vice grip on Julie's hand for strength.
"Shermy, is it?" Asked the other woman with the dyed red curly hair. Clara she deduced. She had warm bronze skin and thick dark eyebrows, one of which was pierced and decorated with a small golden ball. "Cute name."
Shermy chuckled. "It's short for Shermaine which is less cute, makes me sound like a tank." she scrunched up the bridge of her nose. She hated her full name.
The first girl, - it was Lorraine wasn't it? - laughed at that.
"You're a little dainty to be named for a tank."
"She's small but deadly." Quipped Julie taking a seat on a floral patterned sofa in Lorraine and Clara's living room.
Shermy hovered around for a bit before sitting now next to her.
"Is she the one with a kid?" the guy asked. Shermy swallowed a sigh.
Ah, her reputation preceded her.
In the corner of her eyes she saw Julie open her mouth ready to defend her.
Shermy squeezed her hand to indicate it was okay.
"Yeah that's me, I am that beacon of sin" she deadpanned.
The guy, Kurt laughed at that "I like her." He announced to Julie.
Julie laughed warm and surprised, her thumb brushed across the heartline of Shermy's palm.
Comfort. Affection. Approval.
She glanced over Sherm's face, fondness reflecting out her eyes like a rainbows from a prism.
"Yeah, she's okay I guess." She joked.
Sherm stuck her tongue out at her, like she was a sarcastic child. But inside she was squealing at the flattery.
Her toes crinkled up in her boots, head spinning like a lovesick teen.
Well, technically speaking she really was a lovesick teen. She was a teen and she was in love.
"Is that your bike?" asked Kurt looking impressed.
"Yeah, I fixed her up myself this morning while I was waiting for my son to settle." She said.
"It's a beautiful bike." He said, staring out the window at where she'd parked.
"How old is your baby?" asked Clara, out of politeness and curiosity Shermy suspected rather than anything negative.
Julie made a face "Come on guys don't bother her about the kid, she's here to have fun."
"Three months. He's safe at home with my Mom right now. It's fine."
Lorraine quite helpfully changed the subject.
"Hey Shermy, Clara was just reading everyone's tarot, you should let her do you. "
"Tarot, huh?" Her mother's aging face came to mind again.
Her from that morning with shaking hands lighting a candle for Stanley. Her gut tied itself in a knot She buried It.
"Yep," Clara smiled, "It's just a bit of fun, do you want a reading?"
Shermy glanced at Julie, who winked.
"It can't hurt" she said smiling.
"Lori, where did you put that wine?" asked Julie.
The dark haired girl looked up at her name.
"Uh, right. It's just on the door of the fridge, Jules."
Shermy turned her attention to Clara.
"Okay, now what kind of reading do you want?"
She shrugged her shoulders, feeling exposed left with these strangers without Julie nearby.
"To be completely honest I have no idea."
"I'll just use the Major Arcana to give me more of an idea of the important figures or themes in your life right now. Just a line, not a French cross or anything fancy."
Shermy shrugged once more, now feeling she should have paid more attention to her mother's tarot readings.
"Okay. Sure." She said, just wanting to be included really.
"I hope I shuffled it properly, you don't have get those two appearing together here almost like a pair."
"I didn't think there were any pairs in the Major Arcana," Said Shermy. "I mean there aren't any suits."
"No, true. But it's not often you get the Fool and the Magician side by side. Often the archetype cards refer to a person."
"The Fool and the Magician, huh" Oh, god. Oh great, just who she needed to be thinking about.
The fool represents new beginnings and journeys he is an encouragement to reach your full potential. When referring to a person he represents a free spirit. Someone who doesn't adhere to rules and loves blindly with an almost childish naivety. On the flip side he can represent recklessness, naivety and rushing in to big things."
"My little free spirit, my baby boy. Once I held him in my arms like you hold Isaac.
He was the happiest little boy, bubby. A real Luftmensh, never let anyone else tell him how to think.
I loved him so much for that. Oh God, Shermy. I loved them both so much."
"Well as much I want to be a cool don't-play-be-the-rules kinda girl I fear I'm far too much of a pessimist for that to be me!" Shermy joked, she buried the memories and the feelings for later. She had to at least pretend to be normal here. She had to fit in.
The others chuckled, Julie returned from the kitchen with plastic cups and a very cheap-looking bottle of pink wine which she raised up to the group like she was bestowing an offering. Lorraine and Kurt cheered. Shermy took the red cup when her girlfriend offered it. The wine was disgustingly sweet to her pallet, she sipped at it slowly, not wanting to drink much while she was still breastfeeding.
"It could be someone else." Said Clara, watching this with a small smile.
Her voice was very evocative. Her laugh ebbed from her lips rich, warm and coppery.
Something in her accent reminded Shermy of her father, of his room in the back of the store that smelt of cigar smoke and wood polish.
She pushed that memory to the side also.
"My brothers' birthday is April Fools' Day, I don't know if that has any connection."
"The interpretation of these things is mostly up to you. The way I use it is more like a mirror or like meditation. If you find a meaningful connection between the card and your life than as far as I'm concerned that's a valid interpretation. Perhaps when I continue the reading it'll make more sense..."
She shifted her attention to the next card, depicting a man in red and white robes holding a wand aloft above his head was the sign for infinity, on his desk sat a cup, a pentacle and a sword. Representing the four suits of the minor arcana and the four elements.
"The magician however represents good planning and skill, knowledge and resourcefulness, quite the opposite to the Fool, which is interesting that they arose together, like ying and yang.
"That's definitely my other brother that one" she said "He's a physicist, he was a doctor by twenty-four. He won a bunch of scholarships and stuff."
"Ooh, a doctor?" said Lorraine wincing with all the wisdom of a child born to similarly overbearing Jewish parents "Tough act to follow that one." She added, with sympathy in her voice.
o0o0o0o0o0oo
"A writer?" Filbrick's moustache curled up in disgust he glanced between the essay he held in his hand to his wife who crossed her arms and frowned at him and his daughter whose glowing smile of accomplishment was quickly dying on her lips.
"Fil! She's fourteen, for pete's sakes, leave her alone. You should be proud of her. Our little Shermy published in the paper,"
"No Opal, I'm going to nip this thing in the bud now. Look here girl, your mother and I don't work our asses to the bone for you to turn out some airy-fairy artist type who lives from cheque to cheque, that doesn't pay the bills, kid. Writin' doesn't look after your parents when they're old!"
"Writing isn't just for authors, Dad. Mrs Carson thinks I should look into studying Journalism at college. She even put my name forward to write a regular column in the school paper."
Opal nodded enthusiastically, "Exactly! a journalist in the family at this young? You should be more proud of your daughter, Fil."
Stanford I'm proud of, you should try and be more like him. Try your hand at some science.
I'm not him, though am I? I'm the other kid you didn't want. The afterthought.
Shermaine, don't speak to your father in that tone.
"Why, Ma? I'll never live up to Ford in his eyes, why should I give a shit what he thinks about me?"
"watch your language!" Her mother's voice came out shrill and grating.
Filbrick scowled, brown eyes peered over his glasses, full of disapproval.
"Don't get short with me, girl." He snarled, a fat finger pointed to the door. "Go to your room!"
She snatched the essay out of her father's hands and hugged it close to her chest, stomping down the hall she wondered, in her misery, why her family had to taint everything she loved.
"Fine! I'll just be in my room then, pretendin' I wasn't born, since that's evidently what you want."
0o0o0o0o0o0o
Shermy shrugged, moving to make space beside her on the sofa for Julie.
"Yeah they love Stanford, big time. I don't have to hear about it as much, these days, because now he's too busy to come visit." She let slip a self-depreciating laugh, snuggling up against her girlfriend. "At least I get in their good books by having grandchildren, never mind how precocious I was about it."
Julie snorted into her cup.
"That's certainly one way of looking at it." She said. "Hey where's Benji at, anyway?"
"He should be here soonish." Said Kurt across the room where he was draped across a garish flowery armchair. "He'd better be, I'm dying here."
"Oh you poor baby, what not getting enough attention over there?" Julie oozed, teasingly.
"I'm wilting before my time, Juliet. I'm like a rare but beautiful Orchid."
"Yeah yeah and you need boys and cigarettes instead of water to live. And don't call me Juliet."
"Darling, you wound me!" Kurt clutched at his chest as if she had stabbed him.
Clara rolled her eyes and grinned looking at Shermy. "Should we continue?"
"Ah sure, what's the next card?" she asked.
"The last three cards are reversed, the first reversed card is the world."
"I predict that means she's gonna flip her shit." Shouted Kurt.
Julie rolled her was a lame joke but Shermy giggled keen to fit in.
"Heyy Lorraine, Lori, Loribeth." Kurt's voice echoed inside his red plastic cup.
Lorraine flipped him off.
"Shut up, Kurt. Whatever you're gonna say. Shut it."
They had an interesting bantery relationship these two, Shermy noted, they could almost have been siblings.
"Are you gonna go for Guys and Dolls with me?" Kurt asked, well begged might have been a more fitting term.
Lorraine snorted "No way, Josè. You know I don't do musicals."
"Aw come on, you can't let me audition all on my lonesome."
"Watch me." Lorraine grinned leaning back against her armchair.
"Aw, baby-cakes, sugar mouse."
"Fuck off, I'm not auditioning for that tacky shit."
"Jules? Clarabelle?" Kurt glanced around looking for backup.
"Nope" Julie shook her head.
"I can't, Kurt. I've got a huge piano recital in like two weeks."
Julie snorted underneath her "Hey Shermy, ya any good at singing?"
"Don't listen to him, babe."
"I'm great at many things, she joked, but singing is not one of them. Believe me Kurt, you don't wanna hear these pipes."
"Fine, I'll audition by myself." he whined.
"Oh boo fucking hoo." Muttered Lorraine smirking, she tucked strands of dark curly hair behind her ears and sipped her wine.
"Cry us a river, Kurt." Added Julie, stroking Sherm's head in her lap.
"You wanna finish this reading?" asked Clara, glancing at Shermy not sure if they were continuing.
"Sure." Said Shermy, propping herself up on an elbow. "The world reversed, doesn't sound like a good thing though."
Clara smiled. "It's not exactly bad but it's not great either from what I can tell, I need to read up on its reverse meaning though. The world when upright represents wholeness, completion. Something or someone who has reach their completion of a relationship or an event."
Shermy paused, thinking. "So the opposite of that is something unfinished. Or something that should be finished but isn't?" she said.
Clara nodded, her gold eyebrow piercing glinted in the light. "More like a need for closure, but yes."
0o0o0o0o
Her mother sat at the table in the living room staring at the flickering candle light through fresh tears that spilled unceremoniously down her cheeks.
"The last time I saw Stanley alive he was almost nineteen. He was twenty nine when he died. That's ten years gap, ten years without my baby boy in my life and then the next time I see him is to put him in the dirt. It's not right, Shermy. It's not fair." Opal Pines, stared at the wood of the tabletop, looking defeated.
Her daughter took both her hands in her own and said nothing, because there was nothing she could say. Life wasn't fair, and they knew that.
0o0o0o
"I know what that card refers to". Shermy said, her face purposely devoid of emotion, she squeezed Julie's hand idly. "Next card please."
Clara nodded. The next card is a person, well it usually means a person The Hermit reversed.
Shermy grinned, "Oh Jules, finally one that sounds like me!"
The others laughed, Clara's berry-coloured lips curled upwards in a smile.
"You're hardly a hermit, babe, you're here now aren't you?"
"Yeah well, having a kid will isolate even the most social extrovert."
"That might be what this card refers to, I'm not sure. But when reversed the hermit means isolation, and either a lack of personal reflection or too much inward thinking.
Shermy thought about this, Julie was right she wasn't that isolated socially, after all she did manage to get a girlfriend while still looking after an infant, not many people could say that.
Maybe this card was meant for somebody else, but who?
Ford was definitely a literal hermit but that was nothing new, and in fact the Ford that she met in Oregon seemed more outgoing than the nerdy kid she remember growing up, Ford was running a business, putting himself out there.
This was someone else in her family, Ford and Stanley's cards had already surfaced. One of her parents then?
Opal Pines. The hollow-eyed and shrunken woman she left in charge of Isaac this afternoon, she wasn't the same big-talking, dramatic, personable liar her mother was when she was younger. In fact Shermy hadn't noticed a single lie pass her mother's lips all day. Was this the result of too much thinking or not enough?
0o0o0o0o0o
"Are you gonna be okay, Ma?"
"Oy Sherm, I'm not gonna be okay if you keep asking me. Yes, I can manage while you're out have some faith in me, honey.
I don't just mean while I'm out, Mom.
"Oh. That's…Uh well. That's a harder question to answer."
Shermy smiled, a little sad. "It's more or less the same question, just a different context."
"-And what a context that is: my son has been dead five years today. I can't just put a hat and feather boa on that and pretend it ain't happening. I've tried. Some things don't erase so easy. I've tried to outrun this, but he's my son Shermy my own son, and I denied him the most basic human rights. How can I be okay knowing what I did? And what for? To appease your father? Was it out of anger? Sure I was mad at him for jeopardising Stanford's happiness, I mean I was furious! I thought that Filbrick was right and one night on the street would scare him, make him think about his mistakes. I never meant to lose him forever, but your father…" Opal closed her eyes tight and her voice trailed off clenching her hands into fists. Her knuckles shone white through olive skin.
Opal Pines chewed her lip and sighed. "I'm sorry, Shermy. I'm a terrible mother, ain't I?"
Shermy had shook her head no, without a word.
"You're just a mother. My mother." She said finally. "I'm a mother too now, it's no longer my place to pass judgement. We just are."
0o0o0o0o
The final card left showed a white bearded king on a white throne, dressed in armour and red robes a sceptre in one hand, a fierce expression on his face.
"This is the emperor, in upright position he represents structure and a father figure, routine and regularity. In reverse, which you drew him. He represents a dictator, someone who uses takes the next for structure to far into authoritarian power-hungry territory. "
Shermy laughed, she threw her head back and cackled like a witch. The others watched her uncertain as to what was so funny. She didn't have the words or the energy to explain the irony of that card to them.
"Even I know who that card is and I've only met him once." Said Julie squeezing her girlfriend's ac, on one of their early dates Jules had walked her home from the beach and dropped her off outside Pines' Pawns where Filbrick had snapped at his daughter for blocking the doorway.
Filbrick Pines provided structure the same way a hurricane provided ventilation. It worked, but at what cost? Having one parent who was truthful to the point of cruelty and the other lying out her ass at all times was not exactly a conducive environment for a little girl to grow up in, but Shermaine Pines soaked up her parents quirks and foibles like a sponge and came out of adolescence knowing how to fight, how to lie and how to wield the truth like a flaming sword leaving people trembling in your wake. Life in the Pines Household was a game of survival of the fittest and make no mistake, Shermy was going to fucking win.
o0o0o0o0o
"I better go home, Jules." Sherm said into the other woman's neck.
It was later in the evening now and the shadows were growing long. The other friend, the prodigal Benji had returned as promised with the cigarettes, and he lay in Kurt's lap smoking while the others curled up around Lori and Clara's tiny tv set watching West Side Story on VHS.
Julie furrowed her brow and curled her arms tighter around Shermy's waist, she glanced at the wall clock.
"It's only just gone six, are you not having fun?"
Shermy shook her head, defensive. "I am! I just need to make a stop somewhere on the way home, is all."
"Aww, can't you wait another hour?"
"No it has to be before sundown."
"What, did your folks give you a curfew or something?
"Not exactly." Shermy didn't meet her girlfriend's eyes.
"Then what's so important?"
"It's no big deal, I just have to visit my brother's grave." She said it in the same blasé singsong tone of voice as she'd been talking in.
If she made it a joke maybe she wouldn't make a scene or feel sorry for her. She didn't know.
Sometimes she felt she was just hopeless at speaking to other girls.
Julie's teasing face dissolved instantly.
"What?" she said turning ashen.
"Everything hunky-dory over there, lovebirds?" Said Benji from across the room.
Shermy gave him a thumbs up.
"Jules it's fine. I didn't want to bring the mood down. But it's the anniversary today and I oughta visit him. I want to, even.
"I thought you said your brother lived in Oregon?
"Yeah, That's Ford. Stanley was his twin."
Julie paled even more, she was the youngest of four and she was very close to her brother, Samson. No doubt she was thinking of him.
"Oh god, oh shit. Sherm, you should have said something." she whispered stroking a thumb across Shermy's cheek.
"No, honestly its fine. I wouldn't even have remembered if my Ma hadn't said something. It's just its five years ago today"
"Do you want me to come with you? Is that- is that allowed?"
"Sure it is, but you don't have to come. Stay here with your friends and get a ride home later with Kurt." Shermy propped herself upright, keeping her voice low as not to block out the movie.
"I know but I feel bad letting you go off by yourself on the way home especially with all this."
Shermy smiled, grateful. "It's up to you, Jules. I can manage fine."
Julie kissed her, one feathery press of lips against lips and then a quick peck on her nose.
"I know you can manage, babe, but you shouldn't have to."
"Thanks, Jules. It's good of you to offer, but I think I should go alone, clear my head a bit."
"Of course, Sherm. You will call me, though? When you get home?"
She nodded, "Of Course I will."
0o0o0o0o0
The Cemetery was as calm and as peaceful as she remembered it being, she came here time time every year and it never felt anything but serene here with the manicured flowered and the tree lined walkway, the rows of raised marble headstones and the sound of cicadas in the trees above.
She came to a stop in front of one headstone in particular, and she slowed to a stop, her throat closing already.
The breeze shifted the longer patches of grass brushing around her ankles. There wasn't another soul in sight.
"Hey Stanley, It's just me, don't get up." She chuckled at her own lame joke, turning over a smooth pebble in her hands. "'nother year, huh?"
Her brother didn't answer.
"It's been a crazy one too. I don't know if you this, but you're an uncle now. I have a little boy. Name's Isaac. Isaac Stan Pines. I named him for both of you. He's nearly four months old, mom's looking after him at home. She misses you a lot. She lit your candle this morning, so if you or any part of you is anywhere I hope it's at home with her."
She rolled the sleeves of her blouse up a bit, uncomfortable. She picked some leaves off her borther's grave.
"Uh, what else, I've been to see Ford. Its several months passed now. I don't know if he's okay or not, it's hard to tell. I think he blames himself for you not being here. I don't know if you know that, or if you can see us. Mom pretends she believes in spirits and stuff but if she really did she wouldn't be so devastated or so lonely.
Ma's well, health-wise anyway. I worry about her a lot though. She seems to drown anything resembling a problem in lies and gin.
I know she still loves Pop, I mean they're still living together aren't they? Though while I can't see them splitting up, I don't think she will ever truly forgive him for what he did to you. I don't think Ford will either, he's so different now. I can't detect any trace of the nerdy quiet guy he used to be."
She took a slow deep breath in, her chest aching.
"Things have changed so much, Stanley." Her voice cracked, "I don't know how to keep up with everything, one moment I'm a mother I'm responsible for Isaac's safety and well-being and then the next minute I get to act my age with my girlfriend and her friends and now I'm here staring death in the face."
Shermy shook her head to herself.
"I'm seventeen in two weeks, Stanley. I'll be the age you were when they kicked you out and I know nothing about life in the real world.
I'm like a baby in a trench coat. I don't know how you managed to get by because right now I feel like I'm playing house with life or death consequences and I hate it.
I dunno what else to tell ya, brother. I'm doing high school correspondence until I can catch up with the work I missed, I should be able to graduate next year.
Mom said you did the same thing, I didn't know you'd finished high school. Mind you I guess I don't really know that much about you."
She squeezed the stone with all her might. "I miss you, though. I do miss ya Stanley. Everyday."
She stumbled her way through a whispered Kiddush, and left the stone, warm now from the heat of her living hands, resting on top her brother's tombstone.
The breeze that rustled the trees lining the cemetery was warm and smelled sweet, like honeysuckles. As she headed down the cemetery pathway to back to the parking lot, the wind cooled the droplets that ran down her cheeks.
Shermy wiped at her tears enough for her to see. Then she re-tied her ponytail, put her helmet back on and climbed on to her bike, the engine revving.
The summer air was sweet but mild. Her son and her parents needed her back at home tonight.
It was still light out but above her in the clear blue sky she could see the faint ghosts of stars, at a guess she placed them as part of Ursa Major, but there weren't enough stars visible in this light for her to find Polaris.
But it didn't matter, she needed no directions north.
There was a white candle burning in the window of Pines' Pawns, guiding her home.
