Thank you all for the support from the last chapter. I know It wasn't something we wanted to see happen, so thanks for sticking with me.
University Hospital
May 3, 2010
"Do you want another cup of coffee?" Harriet asked. Harm didn't reply. "Do you want something to eat?"
By then, his brain registered that she was speaking to him. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I asked if you wanted something to eat or another cup of coffee."
He shook his head. "I don't think I'll be able to eat anytime soon. I am sick to my stomach."
"You still need to eat," she reminded him – her motherly instincts always prevalent.
"I can't even think about food until I know how Mac is. I can't lose her, Harriet. She's been the most important part of my life for nearly fifteen years. I don't know how to exist without her...and Caroline... she needs Mac... She needs her mother. I was just a little bit older than her when my dad was shot down..." he trailed off. "We all need Mac," he finally finished. "We promised each other an eternity...I can't lose both of them."
"Mac's a fighter. She'll pull through."
"How did everything change so fast, Harriet? How? This shouldn't be like this. I feel like I punched out of a Tomcat with no parachute in sight. I have no control over this...I'm not used to not having control over a situation."
"We can't control everything," she reminded him patiently. "Life doesn't work that way."
Footsteps could be heard approaching and both Harriet and Harm stood up to find Dr. Brenner walking towards them. "Mr. Rabb," she began.
Harriet clung to Harm's arm which served a dual purpose- sign of support and to help them both stand without falling over.
"The total hysterectomy was successful. Sarah did require a blood transfusion due to the amount of blood that was lost, but she is considered to be in fair condition."
"Oh, thank God." Harriet said with a sniffle as she used her sleeve to wipe her eyes.
"When can I see her?"
"She is in the process of being moved to a recovery room. A nurse will come and get you once she is situated."
"Does she know? About the baby? About the hysterectomy?"
Elise shook her head. "No, she's still heavily sedated and hasn't woken up from the anesthesia yet. I can tell her once -"
"No!" Harm interrupted a bit abruptly. "No, Doctor. With all due respect, Mac needs to hear it from me. I have to be the one to tell her."
The doctor raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?" In her past experiences, she was used to the patient's family always wanting her to be the one to break the bad news.
He nodded. "She needs to hear it from me."
"Okay," the doctor replied. "I'll give you ample time to talk to her, and then I'll stop by to check on her and answer any remaining questions that you two may have."
"Thank you."
The doctor's pager beeped and she looked down at it before speaking again. "I'm need in the emergency room again. The nurse will be by very soon to bring you to your wife's room." She said before she excused herself and disappeared down the hall.
"She's alive," Harm stated, still dazed. "Mac is alive."
Harriet threw her arms around him and hugged him. "She's a fighter."
"My wife is still alive," he sobbed as he tightened his arms around Harriet and held on for dear life. "I was so afraid that we were going to lose her."
"This is fun, JoJo!" Caroline laughed as she finger-painted happily on a pink of green canvas paper.
"That's beautiful!" Joann praised. "You are very talented, Caroline."
"Can I give my picture to Mommy? I made Daddy a picture last time. Mommy needs a picture."
Joann smiled sadly and bit her lip. She still didn't hear from Harm and couldn't decide if the old "no news is good news" statement was likely to be true. "That is a wonderful idea."
Now showered and changed out of his uniform and into a pair of sweats, Chris entered the kitchen and smiled at the scene in front of him. "Wow, Caroline," he began, "JoJo doesn't let me paint in the middle of the night. You're a lucky girl."
"I couldn't seep cause I miss Mommy and Daddy, so JoJo said painting would make me feel better." Caroline replied without even looking up from her artwork. "Why'd they go bye-bye when it's still night time?"
"Uhhh," Joann began. "They had something important to do." She said, hoping that would satisfy the toddler. When Caroline didn't say anything else, Joann made eye contact with Chris and motioned for him to step out of Caroline's earshot and towards the other countertop.
"Any word?" Chris asked softly as he began to prepare the coffee pot.
Joann shook her head. "No, not yet."
Chris nodded.
Joann sighed and leaned against the countertop. "I just hope everything is okay."
"Me, too." Chris smiled as she watched Caroline paint. "It's nice to have a kid in the house again. It's feels like an entire lifetime ago when our own were this little."
"Every now and then I wonder where time went and how we ended up with a set of 21 year old twins who don't even live in the same state as us anymore."
"And every now and then, I wonder how I am married to someone who is old enough to have kids that age."
"Hah," she laughed, "You think you're so funny, don't you?" He shrugged, flashing his own charming smile in the process before Joann's cellphone chirped. She quickly turned it over to look at the screen. "It's a text from Harriet," she said.
"I'm assuming she must be at the hospital with Harm, then," Chris reasoned. "I'm glad he isn't alone."
Joann nodded and then opened the text message. She gasped, and covered her mouth with her left hand as she dropped her phone on the counter with her other hand.
"What..." Chris began before picking up his phone and reading the message himself.
Baby didn't make it. Mac is stable. Can't talk now. Will call soon.
"I don't even know what to say to that. My heart is breaking for them."
Chris wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulders and the two of them stood silently while they watched Caroline paint, the young girl was completely oblivious to what was going on. "Whatever they need from us, we'll be there for them."
"I know its so cliché and so dumb, but I just feel like I have to make them dinner. Where did that concept come from anyway? Like "hi, I'm sorry about your loss, but here, have a casserole." Who comes up with this stuff," she sniffled.
Chris didn't reply, he was too busy listening to Caroline who was talking up a storm as she painted.
"And this is how you make a tree! And this is blue. Blue is my favoritest color in da whole world. I likes Na-by blue cause Daddy's in the Na-by."
Chris leaned across the countertop so he was at Caroline's level. "Hey, Caroline?" he began.
Caroline looked up from her artwork and smiled sweetly. "Hi."
"Hi," he smiled back as he spoke softly. "Who are you talking to?" he asked gently; he didn't remember Caroline having an imaginary friend when he talked to her a few days ago, but he rationalized, she was just a child, things could change quickly and an imaginary friend at her age wasn't that uncommon.
Caroline's expression changed from happy to confused as she tried to figure out why the grown up would ask her such a silly question.. ""My sister! She likes to paint, too," Caroline replied simply. "She came to visit me."
"Yo-your sister?" Chris repeated.
Caroline nodded. "She wants to see the inside of the peace car after breakfast, too."
Chris turned around and looked at his wife. All the color had seemed to drain from her face. "Was the baby a girl?"
"I-I-I don't know," Joann stammered. "Mac said they weren't going to find out. They wanted to be surprised."
"They say children can sense things like...this...spirits…" Chris trailed off.
xxx
"You can follow me, Mr. Rabb," the middle-aged nurse said sympathetically. "I'll show you to your wife's room."
Harm stood up from his chair and looked at Harriet, suddenly unsure of what he was supposed to do. "Go on," she said, softly. "I'll call Bud and, um, let him know what is going on," she said as she, too, stood up. "I'll stay right here as long as you need me."
"You don't have to do that, Harriet," Harm tried to brush it off. "You have to get home to your kids, and..."
"No," she stopped him. "Bud can take care of everything, and Caroline will be fine with Joann and Chris for now. I'll call Joann after I call Bud."
"Thank you," he choked out as he hugged her, "Thank you. I need to call Mom and Frank...and Mattie...I don't know how to tell them...I don't know what to say to Mac either."
"Do you want me to make any other phone calls besides Joann and Bud? I'll call anyone you want me to."
He shook his head. "No...I'll do it...after I talk to Mac."
"Okay." Harriet blinked several times as an attempt to control the flow of her tears. "I know it's the worst situation imaginable," Harriet said, speaking from experience, "but some day, you will find a new normal. As painful as it is, the world keeps turning, the seasons keep changing. Life keeps marching on."
Harm still looked unsure, and Harriet knew she had never seen him this broken before.
"You are strong," Harriet continued, "Mac is strong..." Harm nodded and she continued. "Together, you two are unstoppable. You'll be able to support each other through this. And Bud and I will be here every step of the way."
"Mr. Rabb?" the nurse prompted once more. "Shall we go to your wife's room?"
He took a deep breath and nodded. He followed the nurse from the waiting room to the end of the hall and around the corner to a separate wing of the maternity floor. It took every ounce of military training he had in him to follow the nurse even though he felt like his legs were going to give out. He noticed that there was a teardrop sticker on the door to Mac's room symbolizing to hospital staff that it was not a happy occasion inside that room.
"She should be waking up soon, and the doctor will be by in a little bit to check on her."
"Thank you," Harm said distractedly as he pulled the chair over to the side of Mac's bed.
The nurse nodded, stepped out of the room and pulled the door closed behind her.
"Oh, Mac," he sobbed as he kissed her hand. "Oh, Sarah."
The sun was slowly begin to rise and could be seen peeking through the window of her Mac's hospital room, but it was a far contrast from the dark cloud that was lingering in the room.
"Hi, Bud," Harriet said sadly when her husband answered the phone on the second ring.
He sighed heavily at her tone. "I'm afraid to ask..."
"The baby...the baby died," her voice broke. "It was a girl." Just like our Sarah, she thought.
Bud didn't say anything, he was too shocked.
"Mac is stable now. They couldn't control the bleeding and had to perform an emergency hysterectomy."
"How...how are they- Harm and Mac?"
"Harm is hanging on as best as he can. He just went back to Mac's room. She hasn't woken up yet."
"What should I do?"
"If you have time, would you be able to stop over their house and clean up? Harm said there was a lot of blood and I don't either one of them to see it when they go home. If you can't, I'll stop over after I leave here."
"No, no. I'll do it. They shouldn't go home to that. I'll take care of it. I don't have to be in court today, so I'll go as soon as the kids go to school. You probably won't be home before then, right?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Is Caroline with you?"
"No, she's with the neighbor for now. Though, I'm sure they'll want to see her soon."
"I'll pack a bag for Caroline when I go to the house. I know how much being with AJ helped us after Sarah died, but I also know how helpful it was when Harm and Mac took turns watching him so we had time to process things."
"Yes," Harriet agreed. "That's exactly what I was thinking."
Harm studied his wife's appearance through teary eyes. She looked pale and almost lifeless. She was hooked up to several IVs and monitors and Harm soon discovered that he found comfort in the steady beeping of the device that was monitoring her heart rate. Their lives took a terrible turn in the past several hours – they lost their baby and Mac almost died – but the beep, beep, beep of the machine reminded him that Mac was still here. She was alive.
They had been through a lot since they first met each other all those years ago – stalkers, crazed killers, war zones, terrorists, even Paraguay and all the horrendous aftermath, but nothing, nothing they had been through before could have prepared him for this.
Not a single thing.
A low moan from his wife cause him to jump.
"Sarah," he said gently as he leaned closer.
"H-H-Harm," she struggled to say.
"It's me. I'm right here," he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it again. "I'm right here," he said followed by a sob.
"What...what ha-happened?" She could feel his tears against her hand as he held it close to his mouth and continued to kiss it.
"I don't know how to tell you. I don't know. I don't know how to say the words. I don't want to say the words because then it makes it real."
Mac forced herself to keep her eyes open for more than a second at a time and looked at her husband's grief stricken face and then glanced down to her stomach. She was incredibly dazed from all the medication, but she didn't feel pregnant anymore…she felt empty.
Slowly, memories of the past few hours came back to her in flashes.
She was sleeping. She thought she was having contractions. She thought her water broke. She turned on the light and saw blood, so much blood. They went to the hospital, and any memory past that became fuzzy. The baby was in distress, she thought. She was prepped for an emergency C-section. And then, she didn't have one single memory after that. Not one. The realization of what must have happened hit her like a freight train.
"No," she said with a sob of her own. "No," she used every ounce of strength she had left in her to shake her head. "Don't say it. No. If you say it becomes true."
"I'm sorry." He cupped her face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away the silent tears that were streaming down her face. "There wasn't anything the doctors could do..."
She reached out and touched his face. "No," she said again.
"She didn't make it. Our baby girl...she didn't make it. She was stillborn."
"A-girl? We had another girl?"
He nodded. "She was so beautiful. So beautiful."
"You got to see her?"
"For a minute, yes."
"Can-can I see her?"
"The doctor said they would arrange a way for you to see her."
"Audrey," she said simply.
"What?"
"I want to name her Audrey. We both liked that name."
"That's a perfect name for her. She looks like an Audrey."
"What happened? Why did this happen? I don't remember what they said when I was first admitted. I remember the OBGYN being called, but everything is blurry."
"They said it was a severe placental abruption." He shut his eyes and tried to remember how the doctor had explained things to him. He was in such a state of shock then that he wasn't even sure if he was understanding the doctor correctly when she spoke. "The placenta broke away uterine wall. There was a blood clot that formed and cut off oxygen to the baby. Audrey's heart stopped beating before they could get her out. Umm, Mac," he said, taking a deep breath before he lost his nerve. "That's not all."
Mac couldn't even formulate a word let alone string together a phrase, so she didn't say anything.
"Um, uh," Harm began. "You were bleeding a lot, Mac. You were going into shock. You almost died... You lost a lot of blood and..."
"And what?" she asked, confused.
"They had to preform a hysterectomy. It was the only way to stop the bleeding...the only way to save you. They had to take the ovaries, too, they were too scarred to stay."
"Oh," she said simply, too broken, exhausted, and confused to say anything else. The denial of losing her baby and the ability to have another was already setting in.
"The doctor will be in soon to explain everything. I need to hear it again. I wasn't able to process everything when she first was explaining it to me."
"I just...I just want to see Audrey. I need to see her."
"Okay, the doctor will be by soon and..."
"No," she was adamant. "I need to see her now. Please," she sobbed. "Please." Her arms were aching to hold the child. "I need to."
"Okay," he said as he stood up from his seat. "I'll go. I'll find out how to make it happen."
"I just...need to hold Audrey."
"You will, you will. I promise."
When Mac was alone, she allowed herself to cry even more than she thought was humanly possible. Her whole entire body ached from both physical pain and emotional pain and she didn't know if she could ever feel like herself again.
Her whole entire life changed in an instant – their family was forever altered – and nothing would ever be the same again.
She lost track of time – her internal clock completely on the fritz- and had no idea how much time had passed by the time Harm and a nurse returned with the bassinet that held their child.
The same nurse that showed Harm to Mac room before wheeled the bassinet over to Mac's bed and smiled sadly...a part of Mac wondered if it was a pity look. "I'll give you some privacy, but a social worker will come down in a little bit. She'll be able to help with funeral arrangements."
Harm nodded to the nurse as an acknowledgement, and she quietly slipped out of the room. He moved over to the bassinet and carefully lifted the tiny baby into his arms and handed her to Mac.
"She does look like an Audrey," Mac sniffled.
"She has Caroline's mouth..."
"And your nose.."
"But she looks more like you..."
"We'll never know whose brains she'd have..." Mac sobbed. "What her favorite color would be, her favorite food, her favorite toy, her favorite animal. We'll never see her take her first steps, go to school, graduate, get married, have a family of her own."
Harm didn't say anything, he didn't know what to say – there wasn't anything to say that could make either one of them feel better.
Harriet's words about finding a "new normal" haunted him, and he wondered how they would ever learn to adapt to their "new normal."
