Xiana: Chapter 9! This one is about Matt and Mello… for once. Hopefully they'll be in character because I don't spend a lot of time writing about them or reading fanfiction about them… not that that necessarily gives you any insight into a person's character…
Suggested Listening: "Was It A Dream" by 30 Seconds to Mars. It doesn't fit at all, but it's a good song.
9. Fish
Mello didn't like animals very much. He hadn't ever since Roger had confiscated a stray puppy he had kindly taken in. The little dog, which Mello had secretly named Cookie, had been taken from him on the grounds that it would aggravate little Near's already severe allergies. Mello had also been punished by being sent to his room and deprived of chocolate for a week. To make matters worse, Matt had laughed at him and ate almost the House's entire supply of chocolate –something that displeased Mello greatly– and Near had toddled in on unsteady legs to briefly apologize in that emotionless, monotone voice of his. In his childish way, Mello had immediately associated pets with taunting and insincere, patronizing words from his mortal enemy, not to mention with the lack of chocolate, which was something to be avoided at all costs.
In fact, he had never even thought of owning a pet until over 12 years later, when Matt brought home a goldfish he had won at the county fair.
"What the hell is that?" Mello asked his red-haired roommate, who was walking into the living room with a huge pile of things.
"Well, to be exact, it's three stuffed animals, five giant teddy bears, two basketballs, a miniature pool table, four 'Spongebob Squarepants' posters, a fish, and most importantly, a brand new PS3 to replace the one that broke!" Matt replied with a cheerful smile as he set the items down on the counter in a huge pile.
"But why?"
"Well, I was listening to the radio one night before starting a new round of Halo, and they were advertising for the county fair, where they had, quote, 'Fun and entertainment for the whole family! Rides and attractions! Mysteriously tasty and edible food! Great prizes at the carney booths, including big-screen TV's and all the latest gaming systems.' It as a few days after that that my most treasured of possessions, the PlayStation 3, was murdered in cold blood by a certain blond-haired, leather-wearing, gangster-wannabe, non-appreciative-of-awesomeness second-place girly boy. A boy whose name starts with an 'M,' ends with an 'ello,' and is currently sitting on my couch, watching my TV in my apartment, as well as doing nothing productive, just as he has been doing for the last three weeks," Matt explained.
Mello glanced around lazily to see if some lazy PS3 killer by the name of "Marshmello" was sitting next to him. Nope. Must be him, then. "Ah, yes, I do sort of remember shooting some piece of high-end electronic techno-junk and you being really mad at me… or something like that."
"Yeah, well you killed my system right before I was able to beat Superhuman mode on Resistance: Fall of Man for the 250th time! It's only natural that I would be angry."
"Anyway, on to a more productive topic… Why the hell is there a goldfish there? You should know by now that I can't stand animals."
"Well, you see, it was one of the prizes I won on the way to getting my PS3. Now, I'm not one for animal cruelty, so I decided to bring it home. Maybe if I have you take care of it, you'll learn responsibility, and how to treat living things with respect."
"Matt, gaming consoles aren't alive," Mello pointed out. He thought he had a fair point, but apparently, Matt didn't agree.
"Well, to some violent, non-gaming, and intellectually-challenged folk such as yourself, it may not technically seem alive, but as soon as you hear the whirring of the motor and see the first beautiful pixels of Final Fantasy XIII leap onto the screen, how can you help but be astounded and filled with the dazzling life this magnificent machine holds?" Matt cried passionately before calming down enough to add, "Plus, the little guy can keep me company when you're busy going off and killing people, or eating chocolate, or whatever."
"…Says the one who bought Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess the day, or night, rather, that it came out, then stayed up for 72 consecutive hours playing it in his little gaming cave o' doom with no food, or water, and not a word to your compassionate, hard-working, and stunningly attractive roommate," Mello countered.
"Meh, whatevs. Anyway, take care of that thing for me, 'cuz I've gotta play some Ridge Racer 7! Been without for too long…" Matt disappeared into his "little gaming cave o' doom,' also known as his room, leaving Mello only with the fish and assorted paraphernalia.
Mello stared at the fish. The fish stared back. Neither blinked for an interminable amount of time, which was really only about 30 seconds or so. Then Mello blinked, and the fish swam to the other side of its bowl, as if deciding that competing against such an obviously unskilled opponent was simply not worth its time. Mello sniffed and turned his back to it as well. "Stupid fish, staring at me so rudely… Stupid Matt, making me take care of it…"
xXx xXx xXx
Two days passed, and Matt didn't leave his room, except to go out and buy the new action-adventure RPG-platformer "full of old-school gameplay with all the story and graphics of the next generation," as he so lovingly put it. Mello was very annoyed by the fact that Matt apparently had no intention of taking care of his responsibilities, especially since Matt was always criticizing him. He also hated the way the goldfish stared at him with big, round, pleading eyes whenever he went into the kitchen for chocolate. It was on bar 175 that he finally snapped. "Fine, you damned fish! I'll get you some food! Just stop staring at me, dammit!"
On his way out the door, he nearly collided with Matt, almost shoving him down the stairs in his haste to get out and relieve his guilty tension. "Afternoon, Hubert," the other boy said upon regaining his balance, entering the house, and slinging his bag on the floor. The fish, now presumably named Hubert, stared at Matt by way of a response. "Yeah, I told you he wouldn't be able to take it." Matt rummaged around in the refrigerator, trying to decide what to eat. "Hrm, well, beef jerky is full of empty calories and protein for the not-so-active gamer, and it's teriyaki flavored. But taquitos are nutritious, delicious, and spicy!"
A few bubbles escaped from Hubert's mouth. "Huh, whazat, boy? Ah, you're so right… Hidden Option C! The last piece of Mello's Super Double Chocolate Cake!" After digging this out, Matt smirked and retreated to his lair. "Heheh… he's going to be so pissed when he finds out…"
xXx xXx xXx
Meanwhile, Mello was trying to decide which brand of goldfish pellets to get for Matt's stupid fish. "What the hell's the difference between 'Super Premium Ultra Flakes' and 'Premium Ultra Super Flakes' anyway?" he muttered under his breath. Eventually, he decided on the Super Premium brand because it was less expensive. He was halfway to the cash register when it occurred to him that it might be cheaper because it was of lower quality. He quickly ran back for Premium Ultra instead. Pssssh, it wasn't like he actually cared about that damn animal. He mostly just thought that if the thing died, Matt would be very disappointed in him, and as such would confiscate the majority of his chocolate stash, leaving him to subsist on no more than 12 bars a day. …Not that Matt had that kind of power over him or anything, of course.
Mello refocused on the fish food, and determined that the more expensive brand might actually be lower quality. Then he changed his mind again. And then again. After a few more minutes of deliberation (120, to be exact), Mello was able to make a final decision, and walked out of Petscomart with both containers of food.
After an intense drive home (during which every speed limit known to man was broken at least 3 times and 12 pedestrians were maimed for life), Mello arrived back at the apartment.
"Matt, I'm home! I brought food for your stupid pet, since you obviously can't be bothered!" he yelled, slamming the door open. A muffled reply came from the other side of Matt's closed door. "What? You're going to have to speak up, dumbass. I can't exactly hear you!"
Matt opened his door. "I said Hubert." Mello was confused. Matt decided to clarify. "It's not my 'stupid pet.' His name's Hubert."
"The hell kind of name is that?" Mello sneered.
"A very nice and dignified name."
"Well, I don't like it! I think his name should be Bubbles!"
"…Seriously?" Matt raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, seriously! I think it's a nice name! And besides, you can't even be bothered to feed him, so you forfeit all naming rights, which immediately shift to me, which means that his name is Bubbles!"
"All right, fine, fine." Matt retreated back to his room to continue playing his new game. Once the door was closed and Mello was safely out of earshot, he commented, "It looks like my plan worked. But was he this bad even with Cookie?"
xXx xXx xXx
That day was the beginning of the end. From then on, Mello simply doted on his little fishy chum. He bought whatever he could to ensure that Bubbles would live a long and fulfilled life. The simplistic bowl the fish had arrived in had been replaced by a full-blown tank with advanced auto-filtration system. There was no mere sand at the bottom of this tank, but beautifully colored semi-precious stones of the highest quality. He had abandoned both "Super Premium" and "Premium Ultra" in favor of the more expensive and more effective "Ultra Super Premium Flakes," which made Bubbles grow nearly twice as long as he had been, and made all his scales bright and golden. The only thing Mello didn't appreciate about the situation was that Matt insisted on calling Bubbles "Hubert." He dealt with this by slapping Matt upside the head, which didn't really deter Matt but served to reduce Mello's stress. Matt didn't say anything, except for one remark along the lines of "You do know that I ate your cake, don't you?" The response had been, "Shut up, Matt! I'm feeding Bubbles right now, and I'm on a tight schedule! Next up is the Fishie Massage!" That had been the end of that, because although Matt was worried, Mello was quite entertaining.
The final thing that Mello found for his darling Bubbles was a companion. A companion of the female variety. "Let's call this one Hubette!" "Hell no, Matt! Her name's going to be Goldie, dammit!" "Another original name from Mello…" The exchange had ended abruptly when Mello punched Matt in the face.
The goldfish couple lived happily together, until two weeks later, when Mello found a note lying on the counter next to a mysteriously empty fishbowl.
"Dear Mello,
We have decided to elope to Hawaii. We hope you will forgive us. It was not your fault; it was that 'Math' character. He was always smoking, and calling us weird names, and we don't think he approved of our relationship. We wish you good luck in dealing with that person.
Love, Bubbles and Goldie
P.S. We didn't die or anything, don't worry."
Mello ran to Matt's room, feeling immaturely sad, just as he had felt when Cookie had been taken away. It was because of this that he didn't notice that fish weren't exactly literate. "Matt, you idiot! The fish!"
Somewhere upstairs, Matt flushed the toilet.
Xiana: Er… there you have it. A sad ending for Mello and his little fishy pets. Yeah… they kind of died. Matt didn't just flush them because he was jealous or something…
Next: Gone (Heheh… this one's good)
