Paon: Drunkards always are interesting, I'll grant you that.
QuitexSoul: That's precisely my thought... err... Roy's thought. And thanks!
I swear the next bar excursion I do with these characters I am making them sing drinking songs and have hoedowns. Something to look forward to, right?
Chapter Nine
Edward looked up as Roy banged a frothing mug of some sort of liquor down beside his dinner. "And what, exactly, is in that?" Ed inquired suspiciously as he peered into the dark amber liquid which smelled horrendously of alcohol. It was almost overwhelming.
"Now if I told you, you wouldn't drink it." Mustang pointed out sensibly and took a seat himself with several shots of whiskey. He'd already passed Al a mixed cooler, now his eyes were on his fellow State Alchemist. "We had a deal Ed, down it goes."
Edward bit back any comeback he might have come up with and reached forward to seize the handle. Pulling it towards his lips he took a few short, tentative sips, before taking more successful swigs of the liquid.
"I think he likes it, sir." Al said with a smile towards the General.
"Of course he does." Roy agreed in a scandalized tone, as if a drink he picked would not be good. The nerve of such an insinuation. "It's your choice next what he drinks." He told Al as he downed a shot of whiskey.
"Yes sir." Al agreed and rose to his feet to go over towards the bar.
An hour later Edward had been through three rounds of shots, had two of Roy's mystery drinks, and whatever it was Al was bringing back. If Edward had even decided to ask, he doubted he'd have understood what his brother was saying. His dinner had only gotten into him through Mustang's firm insistence that he had to eat something. Currently Edward was working on downing a beer a very impressed lady at the bar had bought for him.
Mustang rolled his eyes and gallantly fought back a chuckle as Edward nearly tipped out of his chair. "Easy, Fullmetal, if you damage what's left of your automail Ms. Rockbell will have everyone's hide."
"You smell funny." Edward replied candidly and hiccupped.
"It's called being clean. You might want to try it sometime." Roy retorted, completely not offended by the remark.
"A-ah screw you." Edward drawled and took another long swig of the nearly finished beer. "I was running around in op…op… humidity! Yeah, that, because of you! So excu-use me if I have sweated jerk-kah-kah!"
Al bit back a laugh and decided to leave the two of them alone. Excusing himself he walked back over to the bar and began to talk to the people his brother had impressed with his ease of downing liquor like he was some sort of human trash bin.
"Aww was the ickle Fullmetal working hard?" Roy teased.
Edward answered with a rude sounding grunt and set the now empty beer bottle back on the table with a clatter.
"You're not drunk enough yet." Roy decided and flagged the bartender's attention. "He'll have another."
"You sure, General?" The bartender asked uncertainly.
"Positive."
Another drink soon appeared before Edward who picked it up while saying, "I mean I kno-ow that cows are blue and pigs don't fly… by the way, want to hear a mole joke?"
Roy didn't get a chance to answer either yes or no before Edward launched into the joke.
"There were three moles," Edward began as he was righted in his chair once more by an attentive General Mustang, "the daddy mole…" Edward broke off into a fit of giggles before he could continue. "The daddy mole went up to the top of the hole because he smelled breakfast. And you know what he said?" Edward paused here to stare at Roy through glassy cow eyes.
Roy shook his head quickly.
Edward smiled benignly and heaved a sigh before continuing, "he said, "I smell bacon." So then the mommy mole goes up to the top of the hole as well, and do you know what she said?"
"I have a feeling you're going to tell me." Roy observed.
"Damn right!" Edward agreed, "she said, "I smell pancakes." So the baby mole," Edward broke into another fit of gleeful giggles before taking a long, serious looking drink from his mug. Once he was done he pulled the rim from his lips, smacking them appreciatively as he set the mug down again. He then fixed Roy with a stare that made Roy feel like he was a new specimen of wildlife that the park ranger was examining to try and decide whether or not to shoot him. "The baby mole."
Roy waited an acceptable time before nudging Ed, "the baby mole?"
"Correct! The baby mole!" Edward congratulated as he leaned to the left, and was quickly dragged upright again as Roy quickly reached over and hauled him back up. "The baby mole said, "I smell mole-asses!" Get it? You don't?! I'll explain it to you!" Edward decided rather swiftly before Roy could recover from his complete state of bewilderment.
The moment Edward opened his mouth to try and launch into an explanation however, Roy quickly snapped out of it. "No! No, I get it Ed. That was really very funny."
Edward decided Roy was not lying and so he set his elbows sharply down on the table and propped his chin up on both hands to stare over at Roy with the glazed look in his golden eyes. "You're a very good listener."
Roy suddenly wished he had a tape recorder. "I always have listened to you Ed, whether you believed it at the time or not."
"I know that now." Edward replied and smiled wryly down at the stained surface of the table they sat at.
As Edward fell silent Roy pulled his unfinished drink out of his hands and set it aside. It seemed the giddy effect he had been under had almost completely vanished. He could handle the crazy Edward, as scary as it had been. He could handle a sad Edward. But he wasn't sure that he'd be allowed back in this establishment if Edward had a mood swing towards the angry spectrum. He could only imagine the damage. "Come on Ed, the car should be back by now." Roy said and stood up.
Edward nodded glumly and tried to stand.
Tried.
But failed… miserably.
Roy caught him around the elbow and hauled him up himself. "I doubt you're as drunk as you should have been before leaving." But I don't like seeing you like this. Roy couldn't help but think. Edward looking sad was not something that made him feel comfortable. "Al!" Roy summoned.
Alphonse looked over, set his drink down and hurried over to the pair. Between the two of them they supported Edward and walked to the exit as the patrons cheered Edward's haul for the night.
"Where to?" Al asked as they loaded Edward into the waiting car.
The driver was looking wary now that one of them seemed completely hammered.
Roy and Al piled in around Edward so they could help keep him sitting upright. "My place." Roy instructed and looked over to meet Al's questioning eyes. "Until tomorrow, we'll have to assign you two lodgings again."
Al nodded.
"You can crash on my couch." Roy said and looked at Ed. "I think we'll stick this one in the bathtub."
"The bathtub, sir?" Al asked in confusion.
"Yes, the bathtub." Roy decided. "He had a lot to drink, he'll be wanting the bathroom. Come morning all we have to do to wake him up is turn the cold water on from the faucet. It's the perfect sleeping arrangement for him."
Edward said nothing, merely nodded his head back and forth while humming tunelessly. It appeared his bubbly mood was back, yet Roy wasn't about to ask the car to turn around again.
They had gone maybe a mile before Edward started doing the one thing besides getting angry that Roy had been worried about happening.
Al sighed, and quickly twisted his brother's flesh arm behind his back so he could no longer move. While drunk, Edward was incapable of getting free, much less losing any more clothes besides his red and black jackets. "I hope that's the last time you two make an agreement like that." Al grunted out as he kept his firm grip on his brother's arm.
Roy couldn't help the grin that appeared on his face despite the circumstances. Jeez, if he'd known Fullmetal was this crazy when drunk he'd have invited him along for drinks with he and the boys before now. "Never can tell." Was his reply as he gathered in his arms the jackets Edward had successfully stripped out of with a flourish of laughter moments earlier.
Mustang had to admit though that he was glad Al was the soberer of all of them, and was there to help keep things under control. Roy wasn't sure what he would have done about Edward's sudden desire to shed clothing inside the backseat of the military company car. Out of the many options that came to his mind, none of them involved twisting the man's arm behind his back to restrain him. Some of the options he did think of, however, nearly forced him out of his buzzed state of mind. Abruptly he turned his head so that he looked out the window instead of at Edward. He'd blame those certain thoughts on the alcohol, it could be nothing else. It couldn't.
Approximately ten minutes later the car pulled into the gravel paved driveway of Roy's bachelor home near the outskirts of the city. It appeared like any other home on the outside. A neatly manicured green lawn bathed in the dark shadows of the night. It was two stories, and appeared to be painted an off-white. A stone fence ran alongside the perimeter of the property which included several large leafy trees and well trimmed hedges.
"Thanks." Roy said to the driver as they exited the car. He quickly threw Fullmetal's jackets over one shoulder and went over to help Al support his brother who was chattering happily to himself in a language he appeared to have created in the space of three minutes.
The car drove off in a crunching of gravel leaving the three to make their own way up to the door slowly. With much difficulty, and several near wipe-outs of all three onto the ground, they got to the door. Roy fished the key out of his pocket and shoved it into the lock. As the door clicked open he yanked the key out, where it was quickly snatched out of his hand by a cackling Edward. Mustang ignored this for now as he shoved the door open so the three could walk inside like the gaggle of lopsided drunks they were.
"This way." Mustang said as he flipped on the lights revealing an immaculate wood floored hallway. Somehow he and Al managed to get Edward into the downstairs bathroom. Al supported Edward long enough for Roy to go and fetch a surplus of towels to line the bathtub with before they began to get Edward into the makeshift bed.
"Is it going to eat me?" Edward asked wondrously as he nearly took a face plant bending over suddenly to examine Mustang's handiwork.
"Yes, Edward," Roy growled sarcastically, "towels and bathtubs are known to eat whatever poor soul happens to come into contact with them."
"It's okay brother." Al assured him.
"What if I eat it first?" Edward suggested, peering up at Mustang with those glassy cow eyes he seemed to acquire with alcohol consumption.
"Get in the bathtub, Fullmetal!" Roy ordered loud enough that his voice echoed inside the porcelain and tile filled room.
