I am standing under the Autumn Cherry tree - the aliased "pink tree" in the center of the wide courtyard. The sunlight shining through the branches makes the leaves look a warm peach color and, for the first time, I notice the glowing, fresh scent coming from the tree. Somehow, it makes me think of a delicious fruit that would be too beautiful to eat. I wiggle my feet into the fallen foliage until the toes of my black boots are covered in pink. As I wait, I imagine what it would be like if the entire earth was made of Autumn Cherry tree leaves. Just pink petals all the way down to the core. People wouldn't have to leave flowers for the deceased any longer.

At the mere thought of dead people, my throat goes tight, and I kick at the pink stuff, suddenly savage.

I hear the far-off click of a door, and I look up in time to see Jou walking through the building exit. He's carrying his brown skateboard under his arm, and the other arm holds a tan satchel. He's smiling, and I get little waves of relief as they roll off of him. Like he was glad to see that I didn't stand him up again. My stomach tumbles, and I force myself to breathe deep.

"Hey," he says, stopping a polite distance away from me.

Hey, Mai. That word never fails to send my flying back to that time - so long ago - when I stood at his front door, full of anticipation. I swallow, clearing my mouth of those terrible remnants, and reply: "Hey."

We stand there, uncomfortable for a second, before he tosses his head in the direction of the cafe and I nod. We walk beside each other in silence, listening to the campus life around us; dropped pens and papers, the dragging of shoes against the sidewalk, and birds singing as they try to steal food from the students. My own mind is buzzing, so I can't get a good read on Jou's thoughts, but I don't mind. Actually, I prefer it like that. I don't want to know what he's thinking. When we turn a corner, a dog suddenly approaches us, zig-zagging around like a loon. His fur is white with brown speckles, and he has the kind of dumb smile only dogs can muster.

"If he's not careful, he's going to get picked up by animal control." I say, already looking around for the possible owner.

Jou grins.
"He's on a joy ride."

The dog pauses for a second to look at us, his lead slightly cocked. He's wondering if we are going to catch him. Without a word, Jou sets his bag and skateboard down on the cement. He trots toward the dog. "What are you doing?" I call, but Jou doesn't answer. I expect the dog to run, but, instead, he leaps at Jou with doggy joy, tail wagging hard enough to move his entire back-end. Jou laughs and rubs the dogs floppy ears. He loves it so much, he butts his head against Jou's knees. It's some kind of primal ritual I do not partake in.

"Do you two need to be left alone?" I tease. Jou snorts and kneels down. "Is that your dog?"

"Huh?" Jou blinks. "No." The dog sniffs Jou's hair and then gives his neck a disturbingly sensual kiss.

"Tell me you at least know this dog."

"Nope. Never met 'im." Jou says, giving the dog one more back scratch before standing up.

"That's not safe." I scold. "He might be a stray. He could have a disease."

Jou looks amused.
"He's a perfectly healthy animal."

"You don't know that for sure. We should take him to a shelter or something."

"Come pet him."

"What?"

"Mai." Jou's tone is different when he says my name. Reluctantly, I step over to them both. "Go ahead." I give Jou a look and sigh, reaching down to rub the dogs neck, being careful not to scrub too hard with my nails. The dog melts in my hand, wiggling his back leg. His big eyes look up into mine, and I freeze. They're brown, with round pupils, unlike the green in Harpy's eyes, surrounding narrowed pupils. Something about the dog feels a little human, and it reminds me of Jou. It's unnerving. I look up to see that the real Jou is staring at me, as if I was a fascinating poster. Just looking. Watching me. No words are coming from his brain; just warmth. Like sunlight. My face burns from it, and I avert my gaze back to the dog.

"Let's keep going." Jou finally says. He walks off to get his things, and I give the dog one more pat on it's head. We start off toward the cafe again, and the dog tries to follow us for a couple feet - but then gets distracted and runs off to the other side of the street. I watch him go, feeling stupidly rejected.

"What was that about, anyway?"

"I don't know."He shrugged. "I've always been good at understanding animals. I can tell when they're sad or happy or scared. They're easy. I think they like me because they can tell that I like them. Maybe they're relieved to find someone who understands them."

I had never thought Jou to have a deep side to him like that. The way he trusted and knew that dog... was he like that with humans, too? Were there things he even understood about me? It was hard to tell. And, even if he did think I'm sick, or isn't attracted to me...that doesn't mean we couldn't be friends, right? After all, I'm kind-of-friends with Kaiba, even though I find his complete lack of interest in some things a bit disturbing and he's a sour-puss. Jou not liking me the way I liked him isn't necessarily so terrible, is it?

"Understanding is rare." Jou suddenly says, and I figure he's still talking about animals while I'm trying to figure him out.

"Truer words have never been spoken." I answer, and we are quiet the rest of the way to our destination.


The Chigau* cafe is widely known as the coolest place in our town. All the windows are stained glass, and the ceiling is a high arch with lots of rough-hewed beams and rafters. Tons of plants hang around the cafe, getting sun from the skylights. Even though I liked it, I rarely came here. Jou and I are halfway through our cups of coffee and banana bread before he thumbs through his notebook for the assignment. The loaf goes dry and my mouth at the reminder of the real reason he was hanging out with me, and I wash it away with a large gulp of espresso.

"Okay," he begins, reading off the page, "this time we have to list our greatest liabilities." I absorb the information, testing it out word for word in my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was tell Jou my many flaws.

"How do you always know what we're supposed to do next for our assignment?" I question instead.

"It's on the bulletin board. The same place we found our partners? Don't you check it?" He taps his pencil on the table, not waiting for my answer. "I'll go first. I want to get it out of the way. Hmm..." He hums slowly. "Well, I'm not good at school work. Mostly homework. I feel it's a waste of my time. Isn't the point of being in class is to learn and do your work? Why are we sent home with even more?" He sighs. "I get distracted easily. I'd rather read things I'm actually really interested in, like animal behavior and ecology."

"Got it," I get my pen and start making notes for him. "What else?"

"My sense of humor is the dork kind, apparently." He replies. "At least, Anzu is always saying I'm one. I think I'm very funny - but I'm sure people laugh at me more than they laugh with me. Also, I don't have the greatest table manners. My room is messy because I never fold and put away my laundry when it's done. - I just leave it sitting on my bed until I either run out of clean clothes or they get too wrinkly to wear." He grins. "I skateboard with total disregard for human life, too. Mostly my own."

"That's five." I tell him as encouragement.

"...I hate my parents." He finally says, softer. I stop writing and look at him. He's never spoken about them before. "I know I shouldn't - I mean, I know what you're probably thinking; 'they're your parents! they gave you life!' And, I mean, that's great and all, but... Yeah. My dad is completely useless, and my mother left me and took my sister with her."

I set my pen down and took a sip of coffee to mask my surprise. I thought he had willingly stayed with his father; I never knew that his mom had left and took his sister from him. I felt as if this were something super private, and it was indecent of me to be listening to him talk about it. But...he willingly told me. If he hadn't wanted me to know, he would have just lied about other flaws he had, wouldn't he?

"I didn't like her even before that, though." Jou adds in after thought. "My mother, I mean. She's selfish. She ignored everything my father said just because she made more money than he did. She was bitter about being the breadwinner. She always had a bad attitude, and she tore our family apart. But I wouldn't just give her the credit for that; my dad didn't help either, what with all his drinking and gambling. Maybe that's why I'm confrontational."

Now is a perfect time to connect with Jou. Tell him about my family. Tell him that something rare was happening - that I understood. That we are the same. I want to say how much I've been hurt, too. To feel like maybe, somehow, I am not alone after all. "That's seven." I say gently instead, feeling a twist in my gut.

"I used to be a total thug." He continues. "When I was younger. Before I met Yugi." His clasped hands tighten, knuckles going white. "I was an asshole."

"I can't imagine that." I admit, tapping his hands with my pen. "You're so...kind."

"Yeah, well..." He rubs his nose, embarrassed. "It's a fairy-tale story. Go have Yugi tell you it - he's proud of it. I don't know where'd I be if not for him holding out a hand to me when he did." He shook his head. "I would probably still be in a gang. Or probably dead."

"But you're not." I say, doodling a small flower in the corner of my page to avoid looking at him. "And I think your circle of friends wouldn't be the same without you."

"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me." He says. I look up, startled.

"No, it's not." I wrack my brain. Suddenly, I wasn't so sure.

"There is another thing, though." He says, serious.

"Really?"

"Yeah." He picks up a piece of banana bread, pauses, and sets it back down. "You know it, though, Mai." He pushes the rest of the loaf to me, and threads his fingers together again. "You know what my greatest flaw is."

"I do?" I wrinkle my brow. "What? You had a huge zit on your nose once and you still haven't gotten over the shock?" He attempts a smile, but I can tell it's an effort. His gaze flickers back and forth from me to his hands, and I know that whatever he is going to say is hard for him.

"I'm a coward."

I stifle a laugh, managing to turn it into an elegant cough.
"No, you're not." I say. He couldn't seriously believe that.

"I am." He looks tired, like he's remembering a terrible regret.

"Well..." I scratch my chin with the top of the pen. "We don't have to put that down if you don't want to, okay?" He seems disappointed. Or frustrated. I don't know what he is. I'm almost tempted to listen in on his thoughts to find out, but I remember the phrase "curiosity killed the cat," so I leave it.

"Now you," He says, making the decision for me to move on. I see him eyeing what's left of the banana loaf, and I graciously push it back to him. He starts breaking it up into smaller pieces, dividing it up evenly. The process seems to engulf all of his concentration, and I suspect he's using the distraction to conquer some kind of feeling inside of himself. He pops two of his pieces into his mouth and chews thoughtfully. "What are your faults?" He asks.

More than you can ever know. But I don't tell him that; I just look at him warily. I really don't want to do this, but he already said so much... I couldn't hold back. Not after that. It wouldn't be fair.

"I'm mean sometimes-" I quickly correct myself "-or, rather, I'm cold and distant. Sometimes for no real reason. Just to make myself feel stronger." Jou takes his pencil and starts writing, not judging. And it makes me feel a bit braver. "I guess you could say I'm kind of a misanthrope. I don't particularly like other people. I distrust their motives. Which is why I love animals - they don't have motives." I bite my lip. It feels like extracting a tooth, talking to Jou about these things.

The only way I was going to push and make it through was to babble: "I purposely don't pay full attention to my teachers. I feel they aren't very serious about what we do in class. I kept a cat in the house without my mother knowing for almost a year - even though it made her sick. I have a terrible diet - I try to eat healthy when I can, but I don't have the patience to cook. Food takes too long to be prepared. I feel that maybe I'm conceited about my intelligence. Like, I can't tell if I'm smarter than average or if everyone else is just stupid. I drink too much coffee. I never bothered to find out where my dad went, and I'm not sure I even cared at the time. Not that it matters, because now I'll never get a chance to even yell at him for leaving. I never stayed in touch with my mom. Even though we had our differences, she was still my mother, you know? She fed me and clothed me and taught me how to sew. But she was just so difficult to talk to, and everything I did was a personal affront to her. And I never got to clear the air with her, and she never tried to talk to me. And I thought I hated her - hated her - but know she's dead and I'll never get to say goodbye or I'm sorry - and I'm not really sure how I feel about anything anymore."

At some point, Jou has stopped writing things down and is now staring at me. And the people at the table near us are looking. And the man behind the counter is looking. When I realize what an ass I'm making of myself, I shut up completely and hold a hand over my face, which I'm sure makes me look more crazy. What am I doing? Why did I tell him all that?

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and from between my damp fingers, I see Jou blink at me, his face drawn with sadness. He silently hands me a napkin, and I take it, dabbing at the corner of my eyes. I feel so dumb when I see small black streaks of make up on the napkin, I laugh - which makes another tear slip out.

"I'm sorry." I hiccup.

"For what?" It's not a rhetorical question, but I'm not sure how to answer. He honestly doesn't know why I'm sorry, and he wants to understand.

He wants to understand me.

For an odd reason, this is scary. I can't answer him, and I don't know what to say. The way he looks at me is so...what? I don't want it. I don't like the way he's looking at me, as though he can see right past my bravado and see the toxic dump inside. I can feel the waves of his thoughts working their way into the gaps of my mind, like trickles of water. They seep into the cracks of the wall I've held up between us, and I hear them drip onto my feelings. And it burns. Before I can get back into control, before I can stop it, his vibes take over.

She has some real problems, he thinks. I slam my chair back, sending a shrill scrape throughout the store. People eye me rudely, but I don't care. I need to get out of here. Away from him. Away from the pity he's eyeing me with.

"Sorry, I need to go." I say, shoving things into my bag. "It's getting...I have to...I'm sorry." For what? Having a conniption?

"Do you really have to go?"

"Yes. I do. Right now. Sorry." I was sounding like a broken record. I downed the rest of my coffee and crushed the thin paper cup in my hand. "I just...I forgot to work on an assignment that's due - and I didn't feed my cat today." The excuses sound lame, even to my own ears.

"Oh, okay." He looks confused. "Can we get together later?"

I barely hear him. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Fine." I throw my bag over my shoulder so quickly that I knock his satchel off the table. It hits the floor with a loud clatter of sprawling pens and binders. Everyone in the vicinity turns to look at me again. I pretend not to notice and leave as fast as I could without running.

I'm never going back to the Chigau cafe. And I can't be with Jou. He hurts too much.


*Chigau: (Japanese) verb.
1- In polite speech, means "to deviate" or "to be different."