Interlude
The Sugar Coat
I honestly don't know what to do right now.
It's been only three days since Sawako agreed to let me move in with her, and so far things have been well, even though I'm still trying my best to get used to it all. The drive home was longer than usual since her house was pretty far from where I worked. A lot of things have changed; I no longer had the liberty of throwing my dirty clothes wherever I wanted to, I had to do chores more than usual, and I wasn't allowed to smoke or drink at least as often as before. I never thought that living with a girl would be this difficult. Don't get me wrong, though, Sawako had absolutely nothing to do with it. Normally this wouldn't really bother me, but some things have just been bugging me lately, and I knew I still had to worry about this little dinner party my mother was hosting on the 23rd.
On top of that, work has been the most strenuous thing lately. We've all been under a lot of pressure under the new head of the Engineering Department, and the whole thing's making me wish I never took up C.E. in the first place. Yuji looked like he had a lot going on, too, so I didn't bother talking to him. We haven't really talked as much as we used to, even at work, since we were so busy.
My thoughts drifted to the time when I called Megumi again last night, earlier while I was at work, and we agreed to have lunch together later so we could catch up on everything we've missed, which I knew was going to be a lot. I haven't even told Sawako yet, and something in my mind pushed me not to tell her, since it was probably the right thing to do.
Well, not really. I knew it my heart that it was wrong, but it was the decision not to tell her that felt right to me.
The ride back to Sawako's apartment felt like forever. I was on my way back from Sakuragaoka High. I drove her to school after I was finished with work, as I always do, and now it was time for me to get some sleep. I was going to need all the sleep I could possibly get, especially when I was going to meet up with Megumi again. Maybe even a couple of shots to boost my courage.
I opened the door and hung my coat on the hook on her wall. I stretched my arms up. Thinking about how tired I already was made me feel even more tired, and after I closed the door behind me, I sluggishly made my way to the 'living room' and dropped myself with my face against the floor. These were the moments I missed sleeping in my own bed, though I had to admit sleeping in the same bed as Sawako was a lot better, and I was a lot more active, if you know what I mean.
I couldn't help but wonder, though. If I was already missing my unaccompanied lifestyle only three days after I walked away from it, then how am I going to survive in the future?
Shaking my head, I went back to resting on the floor. Lying around for so long already made me too lazy to actually push myself up and make my way to the bedroom, so I just rested there, staring at the little table in the middle of the room and focused my eyes on it. Then as I relaxed my body more, I found myself slowly being taken by the darkness of my exhaustion until I finally drifted into a peaceful sleep.
ᴥ
After taking my five-hour nap and dreaming of myself eating marshmallows, I took a quick shower and changed into more comfortable clothes, which included a white dress shirt under a green cardigan, my old faded jeans, and navy blue Keds. I knew it was sloppy, and really wasn't enough to impress a girl on a lunch date, but with most of my clothes still back at my house, I really didn't have that much of a choice. Before I left, I took my coat and tossed it on.
The drive to our meeting place seemed like the longest drive of my life. The fact that I still haven't told Sawako anything yet was still hammered to my conscience. I couldn't even drive properly. I almost ran over an old lady crossing the road on a yellow light. I had to come down, apologize, and help her cross the road myself, which turned out to be a drag. I think if she hadn't really found me charming like she told me I was, she wouldn't have forgiven me for any of that. Inheriting my father's pretty face is one of the few things in life that I'm thankful for.
It took a good twenty minutes before I finally arrived at the J. Women's University to pick Megumi up, and as I drove into the campus, I checked the time: 12:49. As I parked my car on the lot by the open grounds, I kept praying that the girls of After School Tea Time wouldn't see me, or if they did, they wouldn't recognize me. I mean, it's been a while, right? They'd probably be too busy tending to schoolwork to remember someone like me. At least I had hoped so.
"Haru-chan!"
Oh crap. Of course this had to happen.
I flinched as soon as I heard that voice, stepping out of my car and shutting the door behind me. I couldn't believe my luck. Before I knew it, Yui Hirasawa, of all people, was hugging the crap out of me, and right behind her were her bandmates. "Oh, hey there, Yui. It's been a while." I said as she continued to wobble me until I pretty much couldn't feel my head anymore. I felt like it was going to fall off any minute if she didn't stop soon. I pretended to be pleasantly surprised, but mostly I was just surprised. As happy as I was to see them again, it just really wasn't the right time.
I saw Ritsu grinning at me. Her hair looked a little shorter. "You've lost weight, Haru-chan." She observed. There was that mischievous look on her face again that I so fondly remember. "You look like you've been pretty busy."
"So what brings you here, Sato-san?" The girl I remembered as Tsumugi asked. I noticed she was standing on my right.
"I actually have something I need Ms. Takada to look into. Something from work, you see." I said, smiling the best I could so that they might be able to buy it. I was lying again, I know. I've been doing that a lot lately. But I knew I needed to. "She's your professor, right?"
They all looked at together and nodded. All of them looked like they believed me. That was good.
Ritsu stepped forward again. "So how are you and Miss Sawa-chan doing?" She pried, which completely came out of nowhere. I was smiling on the outside, but in my mind I was screaming curses at her for being so inquisitive, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting that kind of question.
Still, I tried my best to answer. "Great, actually. I just moved in with her a couple of days ago."
I was looking at the ground, and I could hear all of them fussing over what I just said like the little teenage girls that they were. Well, I suppose it was great news, so I let them talk about it amongst themselves while I just stood there and waited for the real reason I came in the first place. Megumi sure was taking her sweet time. Perhaps this was part of my punishment. I knew she couldn't have had anything to do with these girls coming here, but Christ, what a sadist.
"That's great news, Haru-chan. Looks like the two of you are doing well." Said Tsumugi. She made it sound like being in this relationship was something I should excel in.
Ritsu elbowed my rib, and it made me step back a bit in surprise. "Yeah, you look like you're having a great time."
Was I really?
"Yes, of course." I told them, clearing my throat and feigning shyness. I tried my hand at changing the topic after I just chuckled as a response to what Ritsu said. "So how have you girls been? Are you still playing as a band?"
"That's right!" Yui answered right away, as enthusiastic as ever.
"We actually just finished a gig last Friday." Mio bragged. Finally, she spoke up. I could never really understand why she was always so uptight whenever she's talking to me, or perhaps that's just the way she is around everyone?
"Ah, that's good. It's nice to see you girls are still active as a group. I'd love to come by one of your shows." I said. I really was interested.
"Well, we'd actually invite you if you weren't so busy." Ritsu said.
I just shrugged. "I guess you have a point." I said, letting out a little laugh. "I just wish I had more free time."
"No, you just need to figure out how to manage your time well."
The girls and I all turned at the same time and followed that familiar voice, and much to my delight, Megumi has finally arrived, greeting me with a quick kiss on the cheek before she turned to the girls, all of which, if I remember correctly, were her students. "Took you long enough." I groaned as I looked down at her.
"Hey there, Ms. Takada." They all greeted in unison.
Megumi smiled down at them, and I just watched them. She did a great job ignoring what I said, by the way. "Good afternoon, girls." She greeted. "What a small world. You all know Mr. Sato?"
Yui was the first one to answer. "Yeah! Haru's actually..."
"Yui and I are sort of like childhood friends." I blurted. I had to cut her off before she said anything else. "And I met her bandmates shortly after I came back to the country." I then pulled my sleeve up and glanced at my wristwatch, feigning surprise and rambled about how Megumi and I needed to get going since we didn't have that much time, but mostly it was just me. Plus I didn't want to partake in any more unnecessary chatter with the girls of After School Tea Time that might give me away. I really didn't want Megumi to know that the reason I haven't been talking to her lately was because I already have a girlfriend. I haven't even mentioned Sawako to her at all, well at least not yet. I thought I was about to.
I could feel the girls staring up at me as we got back inside my car. They must have thought it was weird of me. Well, I kind of thought I was being weird, too, so I really couldn't blame them.
I felt a little guilty for not sticking around with Yui and her friends a little longer, so as we left, I waved them goodbye, suggesting that we should get together some time, even though I knew that wasn't going to happen any time soon.
As I drove out of the university with Megumi and into the boulevard, I focused on driving instead of trying to think of a way to start a light conversation with her. To tell you the truth, applying all of my attention on driving was a lot easier since it gave me a reason to ignore people in a way where they wouldn't be mad at me for it because they knew that I really should be concentrating on it above all else. At that moment I thought that Megumi understood that completely, which is probably the reason she was being so quiet.
I didn't actually think I'd break my streak, though. Something in my mind itched, and so I glanced at her. "So, um, where should I take you for lunch?" I asked. "I figured you should be the one to decide since I still owe you."
"How about the usual place?" She suggested. The usual place meant that old Starbucks just a few minutes away from J. Women's and I just smiled and gave her a nod as my answer.
We used to meet there every day after school back when we were still in high school. I went to a private boy's school and Megumi went to one of those public schools named after famous people who did really cool stuff for the country, so it was really the only time we could just sit down, relax, and talk while having a Venti each, and it would always be my treat. I didn't even mind, because back then I was still spoiled and had absolutely no idea what it was like working for things, so I ended up wasting my money on a lot of things that I now considered stupid. Hanging out with Megumi was not one of those things.
It took us a good few minutes before we arrived at the cafe. I wanted to open the door for her, but she stepped out of the car a bit too soon, so I just stood there and watched her move in all her grace, smiling up at me as soon as she shut the door behind her.
I couldn't help but bite my lower lip in awe. I tried to stop myself from grinning, but I just couldn't help it.
She raised her eyebrow at me. "Haru? What's up with you? You look weird."
"It's, uh... it's nothing. I'm still just a little sleepy, I guess."
Before she could say anything else, I led her into the cafe, and we took our seats in a booth near the cashier. She insisted that we sit by the window, like we always do, but I really couldn't risk being seen by anyone who might tell Sawako about my little lunch date with another girl, so I persuaded her into going with my decision. It wasn't that easy, though. We stood there bickering about it for, like, two minutes.
In the end, she just sighed and sat down, finally giving into me. I could tell she was upset, but not so much, which was a relief. As a consolation, I told her I'd pay for everything, like I always did.
"So how've you been?" I asked after a minute of silence. I sat down next to her as we waited for our drinks to arrive. She looked like she was deep in thought.
She looked up at me with a forced smile. "Fine, basically, but pretty busy. It's midterm exams week already, and everything in the university is getting a lot busier."
"And that includes you."
"Yep." She then gave me a questioning look. "Not as busy as you've been, though. You've lost a lot of weight. What have you been doing these past few months?" Way to get to the point, as always. It's good to know she hasn't changed.
I frowned. "You know, stuff." I struggled to say as casually as I could, even though Megumi looked like she saw right through it.
"What kind of stuff, Mr. Sato?" She inquired, batting her eyes innocently. Everyone really needed to stop calling me Mr. Sato. It convinced me more and more every time that I really am the son of the autocrat Takumi Sato.
"Well, things are also getting harder at the Center. I'm under a lot of pressure since we're required to finish one project before the winter break. Basically I'm just not enjoying myself." I said, not bothering to elaborate on what kind of project it was since I knew Megumi wouldn't get most of the technical stuff, being a history professor and all. Our professions were just that diverse. It really wasn't my primary concern, but what I was telling her was about my job was true. I haven't even told Sawako about it yet. I continued, "To tell you the truth, I'm starting to hate my job more and more every day. I mean, I thought I could ease into it, but it's taking me too long. I thought about quitting, but then where would I find a job?"
Megumi stared at me as if I said something stupid. "You could find a job everywhere, you know." She told me, as if I was some retard. "In case you've forgotten, you graduated from an Ivy League university. Most people would kill to be in your shoes, but you don't have any confidence in yourself at all. You're such an idiot."
I just looked at her. I didn't quite know how to respond to that. Megumi was just that kind of person. No matter how smart you think you are, she'll always find a way to make you sound like you're retarded. She could probably do that to my father too if she wasn't so scared of him.
It was annoying sometimes.
We talked more about work, since that was the topic that seemed the most important to her, after we got our drinks. She ended up writing a couple of companies down on her little notepad that she thought I might be interested in. The list included big names, like LG, Sony, Capcom, Square Enix, Konami... that was when I realized that most of them were video game companies, and since she was a gamer, she's probably just making me apply to these groups so she could also benefit from the privileges that I may receive upon being accepted. She was that kind of person, too. She was good at helping other people, but sometimes it came with a hidden agenda. This is probably the first time she tried doing something like that on me, but it was probably because I still owe her.
After that, our conversations managed to drift aimlessly until we found ourselves talking about the past—our past. It's like a second visit to a place we thought we couldn't go back to anymore, and this was the first time we talked about it since I came back to Japan and saw her after half a decade. It made me happy, and I could tell she was really happy too. I could see it in her face.
"Remember our graduation ball?" She asked me fondly. Our coffee tumblers were already half empty and we managed to get a little comfortable. My arm was already around her shoulder and her hand was on my knee.
I nodded with a smile. "Of course I do." I said. "How could I forget?"
It was one of my fondest memories. It was back in high school, and Megumi and I had already asked each other out months before our senior promenades, but the problem was that it turned out both events were held on the same night on different venues. We didn't know which one to attend, so I ended up driving her all the way to Upper Heaven, where we had dinner at the Belle of the Boulevard and spent the rest of the night sitting by the bay and watching the stars. Mr. Mash thought it was pretty dumb of us, but he went and charged us only a single yen for everything we ate that night, since it was already pretty embarrassing with me wearing a suit and her wearing her dark violet gown. Everyone dining at the bistro kept staring at us, and I could tell that the band playing was just as distracted by our presence, but we didn't care. We were having fun. In fact, we had the time of our lives.
That was probably the best night of my life. I remembered it like it was just yesterday. We even talked about our future together as we sat by the bay; she told me she wanted to be a famous writer someday, and I told her I wanted to be her agent when that happened. Then she told me she also wanted to be an archeologist, a chemical engineer, a lawyer, and even a doctor. I told her I could be those things too if she wanted me too, and that I'd be anything if it meant staying with her.
After we had a good laugh about it, I asked her something important. "Will you marry me?" I knelt down on one knee, like the guys I saw in the movies. I didn't have a diamond ring, so I just made one out of the twigs I found nearby.
At first she laughed, but then she looked down at me so sweetly, I felt like I was going to die. "Yes, of course I'll marry you, Haru." She said softly. I then stood up and lifted her up with my arms around her slender waist, and that was when we had our last kiss. It was a stupid high school promise. A week after graduation, I had to leave for New York along with my family, and I had to leave her behind, since she got accepted as a scholar in Tokyo University, where she took Literature. Even then, Megumi was a strong woman, but when she said goodbye to me at the airport, she wouldn't stop crying and hitting my chest for being such a jerk, because even though I felt as bad a she did, I didn't shed a single tear. It was because I wasn't really the crying type. Whenever something made me feel bad, I preferred just keeping quiet about it instead of crying over it. I'd just be wasting tears and energy, so I never gave into it, no matter how hard things got for me.
We haven't talked to each other since after I left, and I assumed that was the end of our relationship, but when I came back to the country, she was the first person I looked for, and I found out that she dated my friend, Hiroshi, back in college for roughly two years.
"We were so young and stupid." She laughed until it faded. I laughed too, but I wasn't that sure about the 'stupid' part. She then stared off into the distance, looking like her mind was someplace else that was far from where we were. "A lot of things happened that night, huh?"
"Yeah." It was really all I could say.
"Do you think everything could have turned out differently?"
I couldn't help but turn to her after hearing that question. "Well, probably. I mean, I would have at least tried to do things in a different way." I said.
She looked up at me again. "You think it's too late for that?"
I just looked at her. I didn't know the answer to that myself.
"Oh, I'm sorry." She said with a little laugh. "I didn't mean for it to sound so serious. I just really couldn't help but wonder if we're still capable of changing."
"Of course we are. Who we are now is more than enough proof of how much we've changed over the years." I told her. "I mean, we didn't exactly get everything we wanted back then, but everything turned out all right, right?" Of course, I knew I was lying again. Of course everything didn't turn out all right. If it did, I wouldn't have felt so guilty.
She nodded again, but this time I could see her reluctance. "Yes. Everything."
I held the hand she placed on my knee. "Why? Aren't you happy?"
"I'm happy. I just think I can be happier."
"What do you mean?"
She looked at me as if the answer was already obvious, but for some unknown reason I couldn't quite pick the damn thing up, so I just gave her a blank look, which caused her to sigh in defeat, and she stared down at her drink. "Nah, it's nothing. Just me saying stupid things again." She said as she shook her head. "Forget about it."
But I couldn't.
After we were finished, I drove her back to the University, but before she stepped out of the car, she leaned towards me and gave me a quick kiss goodbye right on the lips. I pulled back in surprise, and she forced a smile. "Thanks, Haru. It was nice getting to talk to you again. I'll see you later." I could only nod as she finally left, shutting the door behind her and walking back into the main building, not even bothering to take a look back at me. She caught me off guard again, to say the least, and my fingers slowly wandered until they were over my mouth. That kiss left a hint of nostalgia. It felt like the good old days, like the world was completely tuned out and it was just the two of us. That was something I never felt no matter how many times I kissed Sawako.
ᴥ
That night, after I drove my girlfriend home, I asked her if I could come by my own house to get more of my clothes, but that wasn't really my primary concern. The main reason I wanted to go home was to talk to my brother, Takahiro, about everything that was happening. As much as I hated to turn to him for advice, he was the only one who knew me and Megumi well enough to understand what I was going through.
It took a while for anyone to answer after I rung the doorbell by my front door. Conveniently enough, Hiro was the one who answered, and he looked down at me as if he was expecting me to come. "So, did you finally realize that living with your girlfriend sucks?" Was the first thing he said to me.
"Well, sort of, but not really. That's not why I came here." I groaned, letting myself in. "I actually need to talk to you about something important."
I tried to look up my brother earnestly, and he looked like he understood. He was also aware of the fact that I'd never turn to him about something unless I considered it really, really important. He seemed to get the message, so he just shrugged and motioned for me to head upstairs while he took out the bottle of Jack Daniels I kept in my fridge. That turned out to be a habit of his. Every time we sat down and talked, there was always at least a bottle of whiskey around so we could ease our nerves. It really wasn't a bad idea.
I made my way back to my room and dropped myself down so I could sit on my own bed. Since most of my things were now at Sawako's apartment, the place felt rather hollow, but my old bass guitar was still there, along with my desktop computer. It took a while before Hiro finally stepped inside and closed the door behind him, handing me a glass.
He sat down on the floor. "Where's mom?" I asked him.
"She's out with the girls. They're out looking for stuff for that party. I honestly don't know what kind of stuff, and I have no intention of finding out." He poured a small amount of whiskey on my glass, which I quickly downed in one gulp. He raised his eyebrow at me as I asked him for more. "So what's so important that you couldn't just talk to Sawako about it?"
"Actually, she's the last person I want to talk to regarding this." I told him. "I spent the afternoon with Megumi today."
I noticed how he paused before drinking, after hearing what I said. "I'll assume Sawako doesn't know about that."
"Of course she doesn't."
He took a shot before he continued, "Quick question: why don't you just tell Sawako about her? I mean, she's just an ex-girlfriend, it's not like you're still crazy about her or anything." He then looked up at me, and right then and there, I knew he came to a realization as if it was some life-changing epiphany. He sputtered every ounce of whiskey in his mouth out at my face, and that was when he got hysterical. "Oh, my God, Takeharu! Don't tell me you're still in love with Takada?"
"I still don't know." I answered as calmly as I could, even though he was being the complete opposite. I wiped my face off with my bed sheets. "I know I've moved on, but sometimes it gets hard telling myself that, you know? Especially now that I found her again."
"Then why'd you decide to be with Sawako? I mean, you moved in with her already. Things have been great with you two." He sounded like he was demanding an answer. "Just what are you planning?"
Well, he got me there.
I was going to give him a good answer, but then I realized I'd be lying again, and I really didn't want to lie to my brother while we were talking about something so serious, so I just sat there, thunderstruck, fighting for the right words. But they just didn't come out no matter how hard I tried.
Suddenly I was feeling just as weak as I was back when we were just kids, when I always depended on Hiro to save my butt. This conversation felt a lot like that.
He looked up at me with a certain indomitability in his eyes. "Let me ask you again, Haru. What is going on?"
I looked down at him and frowned. "I kind of told Sawako and everyone she knows that Megumi and I were cousins, so I could have an excuse for being friendly with her without Sawako getting jealous." I explained. "Megumi doesn't know about that. She doesn't even know who Sawako is."
"Jesus Christ." Was all Hiro could say as he ran his fingers through his hair. He was actually trying to think, which to me, was a rare sight. "What the hell were you thinking?"
Okay, trick question. In fact, I wasn't thinking.
I just sat there and shut my mouth. I couldn't defend myself because there was nothing to defend. I was completely exposed, and I couldn't see anything in what I've done that was actually right. Everything I did looked like it was just one step away from completely ruining my life.
"What did you and Megumi talk about this afternoon?" He suddenly asked me.
I cleared my throat. "About work, actually. Then, after we got a little comfortable, we talked about the past. You know, how things used to be between us."
Hiro shook his head in disbelief. Still, he continued to analyze my situation. "Anything else?"
"I noticed that things got a little weird when we talked about prom." I said a little hesitantly. "She talked about how we were young and stupid and stuff like that."
Hiro grinned and let out a chuckle. "Well, you were pretty young and stupid." He just sat there and stared at his glass, laughing at his own stupid joke. He also looked like he was reminiscing about it, too. I casted a quick firm glance at him which made him clear his throat, stop laughing, and look up at me again, struggling to keep that poker face. "Anyway, what do you mean by weird?" He inquired.
I stared down at my glass as well while I explained. "Well, she started talking about how things could have turned out differently, and she acted all weird. I didn't get it." I stopped for a moment. "And when I drove her back to school, she kissed me."
My brother flicked me on the forehead for it, much to my chagrin. "Idiot."
"What?" I demanded.
Haru looked like he just won a court case. "She's guilty of still being in love with you, and you're leading her on." He explained. "But you're an idiot so you don't know you've been leading her on."
Usually, I came up with responses that were just was witty, but for some reason, nothing came. "I'm sorry." I said.
"You're sorry? That's it? You're sorry? That's all you're going to say?" He scoffed as he looked up at me again. "You think if you told those two girls what was really going on, they'd let you off that easily? Just by saying you're sorry? Us Sato men may be charming, but we're not that magical, Haru. We're not Chuck Bass."
I raised an eyebrow at him. "Who the hell is Chuck Bass?"
Hiro cleared his throat, looking like he was embarrassed with what he said. "I've been watching too many TV dramas with Alyssa, but that's not the point."
I knew he was trying to be funny, but I ignored that comment about us Sato men and that Chuck person, whoever the hell he was. "Anyway, I know that, and that's why I'm talking to you about it. I want to do something about it while I still can. While everything's still intact."
"And you think I have the answer?"
"I was hoping you might help me find the answer."
He put his hand on his chin as he looked at me. "Do you really want my opinion on this, Takeharu?" He asked me.
I nodded resolutely. "Yes, of course." I said. He may not have been a psychiatrist, but he was still a lawyer. I believed he knew more about these things that I do since I was more Mr. Math than Dr. Love.
"There are two of them, right?" He finally sat down and wiped his face off until a straight expression surfaced on his features. "Cut off all ties with one of them, and focus on the other, otherwise this is all going to end up in disaster and you're going to end up losing both of them. Trust me, you wouldn't want that."
ᴥ
I thought about what my big brother said on my drive back to my girlfriend's apartment. In fact, I focused so much on it that I actually forgot to bring my clothes with me. Hiro gave me time to think about it, but not so long that I have that I have to ruin everything before I finally made up my mind. I knew that, and so I knew I had to make a choice as soon as I possibly could.
I made an imaginary list on my head that noted down the advantages and disadvantages of both situations.
Dear God, this is such a pain in the ass.
I eventually ran out of patience and so I turned the radio up, listening to one of those international radio stations that I loved listening to. It wasn't like I hated the music that my own country produced, but the habit just kind of sank in when I was in college and realized that none of the people there were interested in singing songs they didn't understand. The bad thing right now, though, was that even the fates were against me, because Kris Allen's song, The Truth, was playing, and the lyrics struck me like lightning.
Trying to be perfect, trying not to let you down.
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now.
While the floors underneath our feet are crumbling,
The walls we built together tumbling,
I still stand here holding up the roof
'Cause it's easier than telling the truth.
Well goddamn it, Kris Allen.
Sawako was a little surprised when she saw me empty-handed at her door, but she greeted me with a welcoming embrace with a gentle kiss on the lips anyway. It made me feel even guiltier about what I was doing to her.
She led me inside and we had dinner, which she bought from a fast-food restaurant since she knew all too well that she wasn't that good as a cook. I often played with sweet words and told her that I'd eat anything she prepares for me, even if it turns out to be so bad that it kills me. I noticed that she liked it when I said things like that, things that she wanted to hear, though I really couldn't tell if it was the truth coming out of my mouth or just more of my many lies. I was probably a lot better at sugar-coating my words than doing anything else.
"So you told me you went home to pick some of your clothes, right? Where'd they go?" She asked in the middle of our light conversation, which really didn't surprise me. Actually, I was expecting her to ask something like that.
"I actually forgot about that." I said as I prepared for another lie. "My mom was home when I got there, you see, and she couldn't stop asking me about what's been happening since I moved out. She's been really worried about me, so I spent the whole time comforting her."
She put her chopsticks back on the table and leaned against the wood, probably so she could focus all of her attention into talking to me. "Well, we did make a pretty big move." She said. "I'd be more surprised if your mother was okay with all of that."
"Well, I thought it'd be nice if I saw you more often."
"Probably not when your family's there." She told me. "If I were you, I'd be spending as much time with them as possible. You may not like them that much, but they're still the people who know you best."
When she told me that, I immediately thought of Takahiro.
"I guess you're right."
"But I feel the same way, though. About wanting to see you more."
"Really?"
"Yes." She nodded with a smile. "I think you know that more than anyone. Besides, you're my boyfriend, so naturally, I enjoy your company." Something kind of flicked me on the forehead upon hearing her say all of that.
That was when I realized that for ever since I bumped into her that day at in front of Sakuragaoka High, Sawako has been nothing but kind to me and has guided me like a real angel all throughout our relationship, despite being a little inexperienced in the complex mystery that people called 'relationships'. I had to admit, though, that I wasn't an expert in these things either, since I was more of a one night stand person after Megumi and I kind of broke up and before my conscience pushed me to give this bond with Sawako a try, but she understood everything about me (well, not really everything) and accepted me nevertheless. She really wasn't lying either when she told me she'd love me no matter what happens, just as I promised her that I'd do the same, even though I wasn't really sure if I was capable of keeping such an oath. It was another one of my sweet nothings, after all. In the end, that's all they were. Sweet, sugar-coated nothings, but mostly just nothings.
It made me feel even guiltier about lying right at her face. I felt like I was betraying her in plain sight. At that moment, my hands were shaking out of guilt, and I kept staring at my bowl, as if I was close to breaking it with my bare hands. I really couldn't say it to her face. I couldn't tell her that the only reason I went back to Japan was so that I could look for my first love and try again. I couldn't tell her that when we met, I only acted nice because I only thought she was pretty. I couldn't tell her that I only returned Ui's test paper the next day because I wanted to see the band that I liked personally. I couldn't tell her that the only reason I ever pursued her in the first place was because I thought there was no longer any chance of me and Megumi getting back together. I couldn't tell her that I was only starting to learn how to really love her, and I'm not as madly in love with her as she thinks I am.
If I told her everything, I'd not only be kicked out of the house, but out of her life. Forever.
I put my bowl down so I could hold both of her hands over the table and stared longingly into her beautiful, trusting eyes. "I love you. You know that, right?" This time I really did try to mean it, and much to my surprise, I suddenly felt good after saying it.
She smiled. "Of course. You do such a good job reminding me of it."
I just laughed and leaned closer to her until our lips were enclosed in another wonderful kiss, and just like always, we ended up getting too intimate.
It was starting to turn into a daily habit, especially after I moved in with her. Well, not that it was a bad thing.
After that she fell asleep on my shoulder, and I kissed her forehead. I actually couldn't sleep, since I had so much to think about. Even after doing something so wonderful with my girlfriend, I still couldn't decide which one of them I had to abandon and which one I had to fight for in order to keep. I wiped my face exasperatingly. Since when did my life become a drama? Times like these, I just wish they offered a college course involving relationships. What a goddamn headache.
Maybe if I told Sawako everything and apologized, perhaps she might give me another chance, just like she always has. But then she probably won't. That held a great possibility, 'cause in a way, I was already fooling her while fooling Megumi too. Either way I was screwed. If any of them found out, chances are I'll lose them both, just like my brother said.
I looked down at Sawako again as she slept soundly. I kind of envied the way she always looked when she was sleeping, as if she was in her own little world, and that she didn't give a damn about everything else as long as she was asleep. That moment I wished I was in her shoes. Must be nice being open to people and living an honest life... well, except for the fact that she used to be in a metal band, but that isn't so bad compared to my secret.
Again, I kept the lyrics of Kris Allen's song on my head. While the floors underneath our feet are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling, I still stand here holding up the roof.
Because it's easier than telling the truth.
