Author Note
*Heaves a deep sigh* Well, not the first time to be terribly late at updating but certainly the first time for this particular story. I don't know if I am happy with this chapter or not but I am quite glad that I finished it. I had to cut it though otherwise it would end up really long and it was good to finish it there.
In a more specific note: I forgot to mention the holiday they are in now. It is the winter break from 24th of December till the 3rd of January. It is important because of the mentioning of Christmas here.
Ah and I really really appreciate the sweet reviews I got for the previous chapter. I wish all of you would enjoy this chapter.
Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni
Chapter Nine
Wired Life
Parents are supposed to be their kids' guardians. Their mission is to show them what is right to follow and what is wrong to avoid. Parents should be models. They shouldn't lie to their children and then ask them to be honest. Parents are the link that connects the child's world with the outer world. Parents should protect their children and raise them to fulfill their hopes and build their independent future.
But...
Parents are humans too. They commit mistakes thinking that what they are doing is for their beloved kids' sake.
Parents like her weren't even sure if they should be included in the parents' list. She wasn't a mother. Not biologically at least. Minamoto Satomi was just a step-mom to a child who didn't accept her but she loved him dearly. And she treated him as if he had been her own child. In the past, as of few months ago, she was leading a normal life. She had a great relationship with her responsible, kind and hard working husband. Proud, she had always felt whenever he won a cause in the court or returned home, happy with his achievements. Her step-son had been tough but even she could feel that he had been changing. In her 26th birthday, seven months ago, he had brought her flowers with a sweet card in which his name was handwritten neatly with a scribbled Happy Birthday. He hadn't showed up for the small party Kousei had made for her then but she had been sure that on her next birthday Kouji would come to her. After he had met that cheerful Kanbara Takuya, he had started to open up to her and to his father. And she was truly happy due to the welcomed change.
Exactly a year ago, they were preparing a party for Christmas and as they weren't Christians, they preferred combining the new year celebration with the Christmas'. Nothing special, though. The Christmas tree, delicious food, presents and talking. Kouji had apologized back then, telling them that he would attend the party his classmates had made in school. She had felt slightly sad but her whole being was glad that he would finally celebrate with his friends instead of spending time in his closed room.
What made her heart fly with joy was when he had come back two hours later and joined them. Funnily, they had been unconsciously waiting for him.
Her life had been acceptable, bearable despite all the hardships she had to face as a stepmother. Kousei had made it far easier for her and Kouji had been obviously trying.
On those old days, she felt like a true parent. She had been able to feel the rightful power of a parent in her home. She had been able to scold Kousei for missing a dinner or coming late and he would continue apologizing and promising not to do that again. And he would always keep his promises. It had been possible to lecture Kouji (far kinder than scolding her husband though) after he had accidently hurt himself in a kendo match. He would accept her medical help in tending his wounds and would murmur a shy thank you.
It had been her house. Her life. And most importantly her family.
Now, it hurt to stay watching the storm as it hit her less than perfect life. Everything fell apart like the castle of sand, she used to make when she was a young girl. The castle that she had been her princess in her childish dreams. The dream that the evil step-mom would destroy just like the witch step-mom in stories. Ironically, she ended up being a step-mom herself. And a good one as far as she hoped. The second irony was that the one who destroyed the beautiful dream of her living in a castle wasn't a step mom but a step son. And not the step-son she watched as he grow up slowly.
The stepson that she wasn't supposed to know about his existence. His appearance led hell to break loose in her neat life. Lies revealed their fangs. Kousei's lies. Her beloved husband's lies. When she knew the partial story of that boy, the first thing she felt was betrayal. Kousei had betrayed her when he hid the truth. Part of her had always slightly envied him for being a true father even if by being a biological one. A parent shouldn't hide lies from his own sons let alone his wife. But she had kept her emotions under control. Accepting his sincere apologize and oaths to keep their life as it was and to make it better for all of them including that boy: Kouichi.
All her anger had vanished the moment she met the poor kid who had been brought to a life, he didn't choose. She had felt sorry for him. Pity was prominent in her way in treating him. However, that pity kept fighting with blame for domination in her heart in order to control her behaviors towards him. How couldn't she blame the boy that made her family fall apart? In the past, her husband and Kouji were having a normal relationship as far as it goes between a father and a son. Sometimes, it could be formal and cold but both had cared about each other and both of them would never miss a chance to keep the relationship as steady as they could . But now, they weren't communicating at all and after what happened three days ago when Kousei had brought the doctor whom she forgot his name, Kouji had left his room and started sleeping in the guests' room. Kousei had came home few times to take some documents for his cases. They hadn't even talked properly since then. The last time she talked to him was his short and flat questions when he came back from Tokyo. She had been happy when he came along with a doctor guessing that this doctor's mission was to take care of Kouichi who had improved greatly. So she went on describing how better his condition was and that he no longer need sleeping pills. She had avoided telling him about what Kouji had done. She had intended to tell him later to surprise him. No wonder he would be happy to know that his son care about his brother.
The black hole kept sucking her former peaceful life. The carpet of being a parent had been pulled roughly from under her feet. She could no longer scold Kousei as he kept avoiding telling her what he wanted to do. She had heard the abrupt explanation he recited to Kouji when they fought, though. She had been terrified then. Kousei, her kind husband, had raised his hand to hit his son! And her sweet despite everything Kouji didn't hesitate to attack his father.
They would have the Christmas party tomorrow. The least she could do was having her family on the same dinner table, along with that kid too.
That kid had a name, she knew but sometimes she felt awful for being the only one that had to stay in contact with him no matter what the situation was. It had been always her duty. Kousei had shortly asked her to give him the new sedatives regularly. She protested and prepared herself to start a fight but Kousei had left without discussing what he had in his mind.
The only reason, she continued what he had asked her to do was because she trusted him. Trust was her last defense. What could she do if she lost faith in her own husband? She had to wait and see. Everything would be fine if she waited a little longer. She could do nothing to escape the boiling turmoil except waiting and praying that Kousei would open his heart and tell her the truth. Because there must be a reason behind what he was doing. She had to trust him more than anyone. The trust, she accepted his proposal for marriage four years ago on, started shattering in front of her very eyes and she could only wait. However, waiting would lead her to explosion. She had to talk to him, she promised herself.
The annoying sound of the metal spoon making contact with the soup bowl edge startled her thoughts. She raised her head as if waking up from a dream. She had been spacing out while sitting on a chair beside the bo-, Kouichi's bed.
That boy was obviously weird. He was sitting in his bed, eating so quietly. His gaze was stubbornly fixed on the blanket. His facial expressions weren't readable at all. If she hadn't been sure that Kouji was in his kendo practice, she would think that they switched places. Another examining look told her that she was wrong. He didn't look like Kouji. Kouji's eyes had never looked so lifeless... hopeless. They might have been cold but not desperate.
Suddenly, he put the spoon carefully in the bowl and declared calmly, hoarseness was still visible though. 'I am done.'
She blinked in puzzlement. 'You sure, Kouichi-kun?'
He nodded.
Her heart clenched at the sight of the broken boy who had abandoned even his fears. When they brought him, he had been scared of them then he started getting used to their existence; hers at least. When she had helped to feed him in the past, he would shyly refuse eating at all in the beginning but now he had accepted the bowl silently and started eating with a barely audible "Itadakimas" Once, he had thanked her for the meal, which contained soups mostly, and told her that her cooking looked like his grandma's. Then he had remained silent hidden clear tears in his eye, thinking of his mother and grandmother. Now he didn't thank her or show anything other than nodding.
'Kouichi-kun?'she called him hesitantly. It was wrong to observe the kid die slowly in front of her eyes. He had stopped protesting the next day after the big fight between Kouji and his father. She no longer saw him screaming in his nightmares or asking for his mother. The portrait hadn't been touched since then. And he had surrendered completely to the sedative.
Kouichi didn't even look at her.
'Do you want something else?' It felt sad. He didn't have anything to clutch to and they were his final hope but they had abandoned him. His father had abandoned him and Kouji who seemed as if he started to care had left him too easily too. And she was there because it was her duty as his adopter like Kousei. The only reason she entered this room was to give him food and...the sedative two hours after waking up.
'Why am I here?'
The question rang in her ears like the nearby church's bell during Christmas. Again and again the question begged her for an answer. Strangely, the boy's lips didn't even part to murmur the words. It had been her mind who kept torturing her with the boy's question.
'Why am I here?'
Why did they bring him? To save him from the inhuman life in the orphanage.
But they didn't. They couldn't do anything for him. They had forced him to live with them but they had done nothing to make it better for him and when he started recovering, they pushed him towards the hellish life again. He was her husband's son; just like Kouji but Kousei hadn't treated him as equal. Heck, even she couldn't treat him the same as Kouji.
Kouichi was their nightmare. Maybe it had been better if Kousei had found a better home for him. Why didn't Kousei allowed his co-worker to take him? Takasu–san and his wife didn't have children. Kouichi would be too happy with them. What did blood ties mean if they couldn't make up for what he had lost? He had asked her before to take him back to the orphanage and she had refused hotly because it wasn't right. After everything that happened, she debated the reason behind her refusal. At least, he had got used to that life and the new life they offered him was awfully full of lies.
She bit her lip in disgust at herself. She could never be a mother if she couldn't tend a child's pain. If she couldn't remove that lost look from his eyes, it would be better if Kousei take him to a hospital then. They would treat him better.
She stood and took the bowl from his lap, muttering as gently as she can and fighting the tears that burned her eyes from clouding her glasses. 'I will leave you alone now. If you want anything, you c-'
'I want to sleep.'
She gasped. The words were trembling, betraying the mask he was putting.
'You can't. You just woke up. After two hours, may-'
'P-please, Minamoto-san.' He hugged his knees to his chest and rested his head above them in slow, tired movement. Kouichi whispered in shaggy breaths. 'Please. It hurts. My head. Headache.'
He hugged himself tighter. Pain was obvious in his way of crawling around himself. Moaning weakly, he begged again. 'Please. I-I need it.'
Satomi felt dizzy. No. No. No way. There was no way that Kouichi-kun had become addicted to the sedative, she flinched physically at the thought.
He was asking her for it to stop the pain but that didn't mean he couldn't live without the drug, right? Yet, wasn't this why they were giving him the sedative in the first place? She shook her head to clarify her vision. Tears streamed down her cheeks in horror. She had always wished to be a mother but she couldn't. Not after observing what was happening and staying silent.
'I need it!' He pleaded again in a screaming tone. Her heart nearly stopped. The boy in front of her was totally different from the boy she knew for two months and half. Kouichi had dreaded sleep because it brought nightmares and now he was asking desperately for it. Could his nightmares be less harsh than his reality?
She took few steps back and nodded softly. 'If you are sure...'
Once he heard her, he released his knees from the awkward embrace and sat normally as before and gave her a small nod. There weren't tears in his eyes, unlike what she expected after that screaming plead.
She closed her eyes tightly, banishing the tears stubbornly and headed towards the door, murmuring gently. 'I will bring the needle.'
Satomi didn't even hear a "thank you" nor was she expecting one.
'Kouji, wait!'
The high-pitched cry attracted annoying looks from the people in the dojo's corridor but she ignored them.
'Just talk to me!' She repeated in a lower tone but with the same worry and deep concern underneath the empty request.
The girl continued running after the addressed boy, her golden hair dancing in the light wind once both of them reached the small garden in front of the dojo. The raven-haired boy stopped running but didn't turn to look at her pleading green eyes.
'Leave me alone, Orimoto! What were you thinking by coming here anyway?'
Orimoto Izumi groaned in irritation at his formal way in calling her. Crossing her arms, she shot his back a deadly look and scolded. 'If you gave me any other chance to talk to you, I wouldn't have tracked you here. So stop running away!'
'Just go away. It is none of your business.' He spitted his words angrily.
'I won't go because you are my friend just like you are Takuya's.' She sounded hurt but he didn't seem to notice. There was a long silence between them. She resumed breathlessly. 'What the hell happened between you and Takuya?'
She couldn't bear seeing him and Takuya apart as they were now. They were always fighting but this time they weren't even talking. Why couldn't they allow her to understand what happened between them? Maybe because she was a girl. Maybe because she might not… understand? She silently laughed at the thought. She had been their friend for more than two years. If being a girl was problem, they wouldn't have kept their friendship this long.
'I don't want to talk about it, Izumi.'
'And why not, Kouji?'
He didn't call her Orimoto or Izumi without even the following suffix before in a public place. Kouji had always been careful in dealing with her in front of people in order not to cause her problems however this behavior contradicted with his normal strategy. Shouting at her and asking her to leave seemed like asking some unwanted person to get out of his life as if she was clutching to him or crazily in love with him like his fan girls. Her nervousness and worry prevented her from even thinking about her words. Calling a popular guy like Minamoto Kouji with his first name wasn't accepted. It would give the jealous eyes(some of his fan club were constant visitors there) reasons for more envy and hatred. Yet, she couldn't help but release her frustration and disability to understand what was going around her. Couldn't Kouji understand how the situation was hurting her? How could he keep fueling her anger by his passive responses? Seriously, since when did he turn into such a jerk?
Kouji did not reply to her pained words. He gazed at his feet and shot a group of gossiping girls a deadly look, forcing them to stop talking and to walk away.
'Stay out of this, Izumi.' He mumbled coldly and marched towards the gate.
She shouted after him in pure rage. 'Fine, Kouji. Do whatever you want! But I need the book you borrowed from me!'
It wasn't clever to say what she said but she did anyway, expecting him to look at her and smirk or to say something in his smug way. But he didn't even stop to show that he had heard her. The only thing that she earned was the girls' annoying giggles as if she was rejected. Unfortunately, they were from their school.
Great. A chance for new rumors as if she didn't have enough to deal with. Part of her couldn't blame them for their rumors. After all, she, the foreign girl, managed to befriend two of the most famous boys in school. In those gossipers' words, she stole the hearts of two potential boyfriends for them.
She hadn't thought romantically about them or maybe she didn't want to destroy their friendship. They had trusted her with everything even with secrets that weren't supposed to be told like Kouji's newly found twin. After what Takuya had told her about Kouichi, she felt like talking to him. It wasn't possible though. According to Kouji, Kouichi, was ill and unable to leave the Minamoto household and she wasn't able to go there. Kouji's parents didn't know that she and Takuya knew about his twin so to avoid causing unnecessary additional troubles, she waited Kouji to fulfill his promise by bringing Kouichi to the public park once he was better. After New year and Christmas' celebrations of course.
There was a dramatic change between Kouji and Takuya the last time she talked to them. Takuya tried to seem busy and apologized for not meeting her in the soccer playground while Kouji acted colder than usual. The strange thing was their angry and bitter reactions when she mentioned the other. Neither of them admitted that they fought but she could easily figure this out from their tones even through the phone. The strange coldness between the two friends startled her, ringing alarm bells.
She had tried talking to Takuya and failed epically. The brunette didn't have soccer practice because of the New Year's celebrations. She had to talk to him, though. She sighed in irritation, That means going to his house. She didn't really mind going there but it was embarrassing. She couldn't look at either boy directly for a week after Kouji's step-mom had good naturally asked her which one she was dating when they met in one of the teacher- parents' meetings. Fortunately, her parents were too busy to attend that event.
They were friends and if both boys were too stubborn, she had to be the only hope of gluing them together. After all, she had swore that she would keep their small group as connected as possible.
Kouji had used to like snow but at the moment he hated it. It reminded him of pureness and innocence. Of promises and happiness.
But he had ignored all of these so how could he love a stinging reminder. He was determined to move on and leave the past behind him. The past was painful. The past was worthless. The past was inevitable . And he couldn't change it even if the past was something that happened few minutes ago. It had been a past. A past he'd better ignore and abandon.
The streets were celebrating the nearby New Year. Christmas joys had passed by him without him caring to notice. He had been crawled under his blanket for the past three days anyway. He tried to keep his mind as blank as snow under his feet. That attempt failed quickly as his mind kept wandering, reminding him of his meeting with Takuya two days ago.
Takuya had insisted to see him so to show him that nothing was wrong, he had gone to the park. As expected, the brunette came with another stupid thought of his, inviting him to have a sleepover at his place and begged him to bring Kouichi with him to strengthen their "bond".
Kouji couldn't help but explode then. The lone wolf ended up telling Takuya what had happened.
'Wh-What do you mean?' Takuya stammered, horror and confusion were written all over his face.
'You heard me, Takuya. He will take him to a hospital for substance abuse.' Sadistic thought had run in his mind then. It didn't seem too bad to repeat the story over and over as if to show his father's cruelty or maybe to show Takuya that he had nothing to do with what happened. To defend himself against the accusations, he was sure to come.
'Why?' Takuya gritted his teeth bitterly.
Kouji shrugged carelessly. 'His existence causes trouble so he is gonna remove it.'
Takuya took shaky deep breaths, marching between the nearby trees. His fist hit the one on front of him, causing the snow above the tree to fell on the ground with a loud thud.
'It is unfair!' He shouted, attracting strange looks from the couple that was passing by them.
'Well, there is nothing we can do.' His voice had been indifferent. There was no point in shouting and wishing to change what had happened. He had been too occupied by what happened in the previous week to even care about the coming Christmas. It was strange that he didn't think about it at all during the small conversations he had with Kouichi. Even when Takuya was at his home to finish the school project, they didn't talk about the celebrations as a prominent talk as they usually do. Izumi had asked them to have a small party at one of their houses on Christmas night and not on New years Eve as Kouji had intended. He wasn't a Christmas boy anyways so it didn't make any difference.
'He is his son!'
If it wouldn't be strange and freaking to laugh, Kouji would have laughed at Takuya's angry shouting.
His son? Lately Kouji had started to doubt that Kouichi was his father's son as well. If they hadn't been twins, there was no way he would believe.
'It doesn't matter.' He answered Takuya carelessly and stood from the bench. Facing his raged friend, he smirked darkly. 'Everything will return normal once more. He would disappear and I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Just forget about him, Tak-'
Takuya's clenched fist made contact with his cheek, knocking him to the snowy ground. Kouji stared wide-eyed at his friend's burning eyes.
'How dare-?' the sentence didn't manage to be completely formed. Takuya gripped his coat's collar and pushed him to the tree behind him, hitting his head with it furiously. Takuya cried out angrily. 'How could you lie to yourself like this? You know very well that nothing would be normal again. You should stop your father! You should save Kouichi! He is your brother. You are the only one who can protect him. How could you think of him so lightly?'
'And what the hell do you want me to do?' Kouji screamed and pushed Takuya away.
'You promised him so keep that promise!'
'Why should I? There is nothing I can do to help him! You can easily talk and advice but you can't do anything.' There were stubborn tears in his eyes.
'You have to help him…' As if Kouji's desperation reached Takuya's emotions, his voice became low and defeated. He whispered seconds later, 'I can't imagine my parents doing something like this to Shinya…'
'They won't because they love him.' Kouji's answer didn't made sense even to him. Did that mean that parents could hate their children? Obviously, yeah. He had heard in the news about that mother that killed her three year-old daughter. Parents could hate their kids then. Was that why his father had abandoned his brother in the past? Because he hated him?
'I thought we can all have a Christmas party. I was wondering after you left if we can tell your father that we knew and ask him to allow us to take Kouichi out or to have a small party.'
Kouji acted as if he didn't heard Takuya's whispered words. He gazed at the snow muttered, eyes watering despite his efforts. 'I-I tried. There is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do. Just forget about him, Takuya. Otou-san had asked me to forget him and I don't really mind. It will take a while but I will forget him sooner or later especially if he disappeared. '
'You are wrong. You wouldn't be able to forget him. I can't forget him and I saw him few times. You were practically living with him for more than two months.'
'Why? Why do you care about him?' Anger wasn't expected even from him but he was angry. Angry that his friend was feeling sorry for his brother more than him. Jealous that he couldn't feel Takuya's outrage. Envious that he didn't have Takuya's courage to challenge his own weak emotions and to keep his promises.
'What?' Takuya gaped, surprised at the question. He then scratched his head, searching for an answer that could satisfy Kouji's unexplained rage. 'Because he is a good person. He doesn't deserve what is happening to him. He cares too much about you and was the only one aside from me who managed to break your shell. He is such an interesting person.'
Kouji thought for a moments about Takuya's answer before standing and addressing the brunette coldly. 'I don't need him to care about me. It would be better if he disappeared.'
'Coward! Keep running away. This is the only thing you can do.'
'True.' Kouji admitted with a small, sad smile. 'I am just an escapist and I will continue running away. Running away is moving or for me.'
'Kouji…' Takuya came closer. Before his hand could touch the other's shoulder, Kouji yanked it angrily. 'Stay away from me, Takuya. '
'What does that suppose to mean?' Kouji couldn't mean what he said, right? They are friends.
Kouji buried his hands in his overcoat's pockets and walked away slowly. He stopped when Takuya called him worriedly. 'It is fine by me if we stopped being friends. I don't really care.'
'KOUJI!'
He hadn't answered Takuya's shout nor did he discussed what he had done with himself. Losing a brother didn't matter too much to him so losing a friend would be far easier even if he was linked with that friend much more than his brother. Takuya had done nothing to deserve what he had told him yet he didn't think about taking his words back. Izumi had annoyingly tried to talk to him but he had dismissed her words. She wouldn't understand as he himself couldn't understand his behaviors any longer.
Why couldn't they leave him alone? It had been much better when he was alone and friendless. The pain of staying away from those whom he once loved would have disappeared.
Doors are secrets' keys. Opening one represents revealing a secret or that what he had heard once. However, the moment he intended to open his bedroom door, he hadn't though of the simple symbolism it held. Before he could collect his courage to open it, it responded to his call and opened on its own, revealing someone he didn't expect. Satomi gasped in pure shock. Her eyes locked with her step-son's for less than ten seconds but were enough to enable him to recognize the tears on her eyes' edge.
'You are back.' She didn't know what else to say. After three days of not stepping into his room, it was a surprise to see him willing to enter but that didn't make her feel the slightest happiness. Kouji's cold stare didn't point at what he was going to do.
Kouji bit his lip anxiously, preventing himself from saying something rude. It was his room after all and it wasn't nice to seem surprised to see him there. He walked slowly and passed by her without uttering a word. In the back of his mind, he enjoyed the torn expression she showed. Of course, she wasn't happy to leave him alone especially when his gaze fixed on the crawling boy. His biting grow harsher and he felt sure that his lower lip was going to bled from the pressure but it was the only thing he can do to relieve the tension in his muscles.
As if nothing had happened, Kouichi was sitting calmly on his bed, eyes cast down. Kouji had expected or rather waited a visible flinch from the other upon seeing him or a relieved gaze. There was no reaction as if the other hadn't recognized his presence or rather didn't care about it and that made him feel angry. Getting ignored by someone like that was humiliating. Who the hell did that boy think himself to act as if he wasn't there…?
Satomi looked between them worriedly before making up her mind and leaving the room. The door remained open as a signal that she was coming back. Kouji sighed mentally and participated in the mechanical atmosphere in the room. Nothing moved. No sound occurred. It was as silent as a grave. Breaking the spell, he walked stiffly towards his desk table, hands in his pants' pockets. There was no way he would allow himself to seem concerned of what was going around him. He had a stupid mission to do and he was going to take Izumi's book with him and leave.
Few minutes passed and his job was failing miserably. It was strange how when you were trying not to look at someone while doing something your eyes keep betraying you and sneak glances whenever they had a chance. He didn't know why but he didn't like that. He didn't like staying any longer in his own room. It felt colder and darker than he used to know. True that it had been always silent and emotionless but not to the extent of stifling him to death.
Was he scared of facing him, of looking at his eyes? Why was he avoiding him as if he had done something terribly wrong? Was he punishing himself or Kouichi? And why? He had repeatedly said that everything would return to normal; that there was nothing to care about or to feel guilty for but here he was wishing unconsciously to disappear. It hadn't been his fault that his father was an idiot who thought of nothing more than money and power. Funnily, his father wasn't that rich. They were living in normal circumstances. Much better than normal but they were that rich and his father's position didn't give him that share of power. They were normal. Totally normal so why would his father ruin everything to keep that normality level as it was. Was being a lawyer and enjoying people's trust more important that his family's fate…?
The approaching hurried steps saved him from his thoughts. They were killing him slowly after all. Satomi's tired and worried face meant nothing to him.
'Are you sure you want it now, dear?' She felt uncertain of what she was going to do. It was dangerous to reach such a level but Kouichi asked for it and she didn't want to argue with him. Not in front of Kouji. She felt slightly amused at the situation. The last time she tried to give Kouichi painkillers, Kouji ended up shouting at her and "rescuing" his brother. Now she was doing the same thing but Kouichi had no problem with that so she reasonably expected Kouji not to care.
Kouichi gave a small, assuring nod. His left hand started rolling the pajama sleeve up his other arm. He worked slowly, silently while she prepared the injection bottle. In her hurry to come back quickly to the room, she forgot bringing the medical cotton to tend the place she wanted to inject. Hurriedly, she murmured that she would be back quickly. Kouichi merely nodded.
Kouji watched their interaction with hardly masked indifference. It was wrong. It was not fair. Kouichi was completely giving up. There wasn't any glimpse of him refusing the sedative. It seemed as if he was the one who wanted it desperately. He didn't want to watch anymore. He couldn't. It was shocking that he had wished that Kouichi would give up resiting because fighting was pointless. Didn't he wish that three days ago? Hot anger started growing inside him and he didn't even know its source. Was it the sight of his brother giving up what he had fought so long to keep or was it his anger of himself because he couldn't do anything to stop the other's misery? He didn't know but he was sure that the only feeling he was feeling was anger.
What was the point in arguing with his father for his sake if he had so quickly gave up? He felt like being an idiot when he prevented Satomi from coming near him with the damn sleeping pills. An idiot for allowing Takuya to come over to help and an even bigger idiot for slowly destroying his friendship with Takuya because of him. It was Kouichi's appearance that caused his relationship with Takuya to crack. If the two hadn't met, Takuya wouldn't be blaming him nor would they reach that level of ignoring each other.
It had been a lost cause from the very beginning. He shouldn't have cared. He shouldn't have thought of caring because it had been meaningless. Kouichi was surrendering so easily in front of him. He didn't deserve a look of pity or a tear of his if he simply let the pain go and accepted his father's orders.
For a moment, he ignored how selfish his thoughts seemed or rather didn't even notice their selfishness.
'It is over then.'
The words escaped before he ordered them to. The effect of the sarcastic, harsh tone he used wasn't immediate.
'Why didn't you do it before?' a threatening hiss managed to make Kouichi look up at him with blank eyes.
'It was hopeless from the very beginning so why had you kept fighting? It changed nothing. It meant nothing.' Kouji shouted hotly, rage exploding from him like a volcano's lava.
Funnily, Kouji knew very well that Kouichi had kept trying to adapt and survive under their roof. He had never been fighting or challenging the orders but he had always kept hoping in different ways. He had been trying to hold on as much as he can. He didn't want to collapse after every small incident…He wanted to live.
'Hope makes things worse, you know. You should have given up from the first day.' There was a pause before a sadistic smirk curled his lips. 'I am sure you were used to giving up so easily in that orphanage.
Kouichi's eyes widened and reacted for the first time. That made Kouji smirk grow more satisfied. 'You wait nothing now but in the past you wished for something. A family and a life. That was so silly of you.'
Kouichi had ruined his life when he wished for a better one. Kouji couldn't deny that he was ready to help, to do anything to make that better life his brother wanted true. But it was nothing but a tasteless jock. Why did he wish for a better one if he was accepting what was happening to him now? Why did he make him try to do something if it was already a lost case?
'You know, you are an idiot to believe that you can live like us. I wonder if you didn't learn from what happened to you all these years. Give up now just like how you used to do. Give up because you have nothing better to do. Why hadn't you get over with it before…?'
Kouji went on and on, saying what he hadn't even though about. He had never heard of anything about the miserable life Kouichi had in the orphanage and he absolutely had no right to talk to him like that but he couldn't stop no matter how much his heart shouted at him to. He couldn't kill the feeling of sick joy inside him. Kouichi deserved to be hurt because he turned his life into hell. He deserved to be thrown away because Kouji's life would never be the same as he wished.
'Stop…'
Kouichi's voice was cracked and lost. It was barely audible with a hesitant begging tone.
The plead made him happier than before. His words were hurting and that felt… good.
'And why should I? You can't do anything but wishing or surrendering. That is how you grow up. As a doll. To wish to be something who deserves to live and end up broken then to get mend again by another one to continue wishing.'
'Stop!' Another plead but it was louder this time.
'Stop me if you can, doll.'
'S-stop!'
'I am saying the truth. You are a doll and now when we return you to the store. Another one would come to play with you and break you aga-'
Kouji couldn't finish his words as a thick book flow by his left ear; a small paper fell from it during the short trip. The book crashed and hit the desk table behind him, causing the mp3 device to fell and break down. His eyes widened in shock and they wandered slowly towards the source. Kouichi was panting, pain was burning in his tearful eyes. 'Shut up! Shut up!' His cries were getting louder till they turned into a continuous scream of shut up.
'You…you know nothing. Nothing at all…You are right I am a doll…And-and that is because of those who are like you.'
Kouji was struggling to get the other's words. They were muffled by his sobs. Tears ran freely down his cheeks. The blankness he held turned into pained misery.
Kouichi raised his head slowly and looked at the other's surprised eyes. 'I- I believed you…'
He paused to get his words clear again but the sobs continued muffling them. He chocked out like a child after being left by his parents during a nightmare. 'You said you will be by my side…you said you have no reason to hate me. You took-took care of me when I was scared then. It…it wasn't a..a dream. I believed you would be there for me…You promised. …you promised.
'Why…? Why did you lie to me? I didn't wish for anything. You were there…so I thought, I can be something…more than a doll.' Blame was obvious in his voice. Loss was invading his tears till he gave up keeping the eye contact with Kouji.
Kouichi had embraced himself and kept crying. 'I-I don't want to…live anymore…You all would be happy then…I want to be with Mama. She would t-take care of me there. She loves me. She will always do.'
Kouji was speechless. All insults and words left him alone. He was staring disbelieving at Kouichi's curled form. His face was pale out of shock. It couldn't be real. What he had heard. What happened seemed like a bizarre nightmare. He stood motionless. He couldn't even recognize Satomi as she ran towards Kouichi's bed and tried to comfort him. He didn't even feel anything when Kouichi pushed her away, screaming that he didn't want her…that they were lairs…that he wanted to die…
'Get our of here, Kouji!' She shouted at him. 'Now. Go out! I-I thought you needed time but you need nothing but yourself. Out! Now!'
He obeyed absentmindedly. She was right. He needed no one but himself.
The door closed behind him. Kouichi's screams were heartbreaking but he was too lost to listen. Kouichi's reaction seemed like a delayed reaction. Pity how he couldn't even allow him to keep his emotions inside.
Thinking about his claims to the other, he couldn't even justify them to himself. They seemed broken and unlinked as if they were fragments a hysterical fever forced him to utter. There was no point in uttering them. Was he trying to force Kouichi t opay the price of the faint care he gave him. He had been punishing him because he made him able to feel…?
But Kouichi had been his chance to take off the cold masks he wear. He had been his hope to be himself…and Kouichi had succeeded. If he had blushed just for Takuya reminding him of the sketch book he bought for Kouichi and shouted hotly that he didn't bring it as a present. He had been himself then. He had been himself when he helped Kouichi and slept by his side, sharing the body heat. He had been himself when he fought with his father to stop the tragedy that was taking place…
The torn words Kouichi had defended himself with few minutes ago burned in his skull, ganging with his heart against his mind for allowing him to say the cruel things he said. It had been his fault. He had given him hope even if he didn't mean it directly. He had helped him to resist being alone. Ironically, he came back to punish him because he,Kouji, had been nice to him as if it was a taboo to show his true feelings to anyone.
He had been an idiot to try to make him pay the price. He was in his debt… but he could never pay him back. He made his life more unbearable…He led him to the point of preferring to…die.
'He hates me…' he mumbled to himself sorrowfully once the screams had died inside his room. A thought hit him suddenly when he thought about what he had said.
Kouichi accused him of lying but he didn't say he hated him. He shouted at Satomi and told her that they were lairs and that he didn't need them but he didn't say that he hated them…
He didn't even say a word about their father…
"I can't hate you. You took care of me…"
Kouji clenched his fist and hit the wall beside him. He had never thought about those words after that night. Didn't even think that Kouichi meant them. But now he felt so small and so trivial for being heartless. Maybe he should have let him go away. Maybe Kouichi was giving up so no one else could be hurt. What would be Kouji's situation if Kouichi had come to him and asked him for help? He didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to feel more guilt.
At that moment, he wished that his father would take Kouichi away quickly. That he would wake up the next morning to see his room empty.
With a single, cold bed. And without any hope for a companion's return.
To Be Continued...
Welcome back to an idiot Kouji *sigh* Seriously, I wanna hit him. Kouichi didn't have his space her but no worries he and Kousei are going to have their chance soon.
Please tell me what you think guys. That would help a lot...in many ways :)
