Title:
Boinked!Chapter: 9/?
Authoresses: The Three Dimensions
Genre: Yaoi, Humour, Romance (gone very, very wrong), General
Pairings: Uh… we lost count…
Warnings: Extreme OOC-ness, endless insanity streak, total randomness, nonsensical stuff, Hikaru's poor English, Solarwind's meddlesome streak, etc.
DISCLAIMER: Kazuya Minekura-sama owns Saiyuki, Rice-chan owns her poems, Wind-chan owns her computer, and I own my immaculate innocence.
Hikaru's Notes:
Thank you for the generous reviews! *bows*As for this chapter, I'm awfully sorry if there's not much humour here. I wrote this one while I was feeling kind of depressed, so… [Rice-chan: "That's what she always says…" Wind-chan: "Nothing we can do about it…"]
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"Why the hell is he here?" demanded Sanzo when he (and Homura) completed ejaculating all the profanities ever discovered by mankind (in Homura's case, god-kind), pointing an accusing finger at the heretic god whilst his left hand was digging into the depths of his robe, looking for his reliable Smith & Wesson. Unfortunately for him, it was one of those rare times when Lady Luck decided to abandon him. Either that, or she chose to join in the fun of making Sanzo's life more miserable than it already was.
"Ne, Sanzo, what does @&$*^*!%$*@#%!?&%*#^!@|&%@$ mean?" Goku asked, clueless.
Homura fingered the chains, trying to make sure they were real, and was partly relieved to find that he still had a sound mind. Alas, the consolation was only for a short period of time, for he became aware of his major predicament. He ogled dumbly at his audience—namely an extra-pale Shien, a weary-looking Zenon, a frustrated Gojyo, a mildly nervous Hakkai, Yaone sighing in satisfaction seeing her antidote had succeeded to a marvel, and an amused Kougaiji.
Exasperated, Homura held the shackles tightly in his grips. His face tried to remain calm and composed, but as his anger got the best of him, he began to vociferate.
"WHICH BLUNDERING, #^@$-~+ IDIOT, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A %@$~@\# DID THIS!!!????"
The thunderous holler shook the ground, sending innumerable flocks of birds and other unidentified flying objects evacuating the trees, lest they succumb to the destructive quake.
"That's what I'd like to know," murmured Sanzo, a lethal look in his eyes. The purple, bloodshot orbs pierced straight into the audience's eyes, searching wildly for an answer.
"Should we tell them?" asked Hakkai.
"Shikashi, I don't know what happened here," Yaone defended herself. "Kougaiji-sama too." And her boss.
"I'm too young to die," remarked Zenon. "There's no way am I dying without—" He glanced at an ignorant Hakkai.
Naturally, Homura was irritated at the sight of the party mumbling among themselves. Having found his gun, Sanzo was already reloading it with extra-deadly bullets, not wanting to leave anyone out in his planned enormous massacre.
"Did I do anything wrong?" asked Goku blankly.
"Do me a favour and keep quiet," mumbled the monk. "I've to prepare the main ingredient for Homura's funeral first."
The fighting god, finally noticing that the manacles were frightfully familiar, surveyed the metal.
And there it was—his personalized stamp mark;
Property of the great Homura Taishi. Touch this and hear me roar!
In these kind of cases, normal beings would shriek in the highest pitch audible to man-god-youkai-kinds, but for the reason that Homura is not your typical, run-of-the-mill god, only his bulging eyes, wide open jaws and standing hair hinted his absolute shock.
"Holy crap!" He proceeded to check the handcuffs on Goku's wrist, then Sanzo's.
"The great Homura Taishi?" jibed Goku.
Sanzo's observant eyes could not overlook the stamp mark. In an instant his eyes fired murder into Homura's, seeking to scorch, roast and poke them out.
"Holy crap is right. Explain. Now. Before I blow your empty head all the way to the Netherworld."
"The one who did this was…"
As if on cue, the others pointed a calm finger in the fighting god's direction—including Goku.
"…masaka…" Homura blurted out.
"I agree whole-heartedly to the blundering, #^@$-~+ idiot, sorry excuse for a %@$~@\# part," nodded Gojyo with a thoughtful expression.
"Who else, duh?" Kougaiji folded his arms, cocking an eyebrow. "I mean, I'm sure none of us weaker beings than yourself would want to commit suicide just to hear you—roar, as you put it—by messing around with that…junk." The sarcasm in his tone was too obvious to the naked eye—err, ear.
"Hate to say this, but he does have a point," Zenon frowned, and joined Gojyo in his nodding session.
"Oi, oi, I thought you're Homura's subordinate?" Gojyo pointed out. "Aren't you supposed to be on his side?"
"All the more reason for me not to hear him roar. I don't want my ears to fail me, you know. Thanks anyway for reminding me."
Meanwhile, Sanzo was frowning in acute anger, resulting in his body to shake uncontrollably. "What's up your sleeves now, Homura?" growled the blond, his fingers threatening to break any moment now due to his tightened fists. Then again, being a loyal BFWC (Beer Fortified With Calcium) drinker, he had nothing to worry about.
"Damn it, Konzen! Why do you always accuse me on the spot? I tell you I'm also bewildered!"
"How many times must I refresh your memory, you deaf god?! The name's Sanzo!" He brought the tip of the gun closer to Homura.
Homura had to grin mockingly. "The fact that your puny, pathetic gun can never harm me—being a superior god and all—aside, you wouldn't want to kill the only person who has the only key to these chains, would you? Only person, only key, mark you."
"Tch. It's just a godforsaken key. After I search for it on your dead body, I'll just fix the freaking key into the freaking—"
"—without giving the password? Impossible."
"WHAT ^@#$=|~ PASSWORD!? Damn it all, Homura! Why the heck is there a need for that ^@#—"
"We gods need to be more cautious, you know."
"Forget about the frigging password! On second thought, I don't mind getting stuck with a $=00^# corpse for all eternity!"
"Sanzo~! Does this mean you're OK to be stuck with me as well?" interjected Goku, his happy eyes embedding Sanzo's heated ones.
The innocent joyful look on Goku façade was too adorable to be shattered. Goku tugged lightly on Sanzo's arm, beckoning him to answer.
Nonetheless, Sanzo was about to say something when Homura cut him.
"Son Goku, I certainly won't mind…"
"Huh!?" ejaculated Goku. "Ch-chotto! One minute you were kissing Sanzo and now you're trying to hit on me!??"
Silence fell—a creepy, chilly one.
"Oh, dear me…" Hakkai sweatdropped. "Things have just gotten worse…"
"Maa, I have to agree with you, Hakkai-san…" added Yaone, anxiety written all over her face.
"War…war is very near," Shien mused. "I can smell it."
"Shien…can't you try saying something positive?" Zenon sighed dejectedly. "It could help, you know."
They waited in fearful anticipation for Sanzo's reaction, none of them prepared for the end of the world.
"Homura. Kissed. Me."
"I did?"
"Don't forget that horrible rigmarole you guys call poetry," added Gojyo.
"Gojyo!" said Hakkai in reproach, warning him not to venture any further. "Please put that video camera away."
"Aw ****."
"Homura…kissed me." Click.
"Sanzo~!" Goku looked at him, teary eyed. He was enormously disconcerted.
"He kissed…me." Click, click.
"Why was I not aware of it?" Homura questioned.
Thus came the moment everybody was waiting for (read: everybody's fear coming true)—the eruption of that volcano named Genjo Sanzo.
"**** IT ALL!!! HOMURA!!! I'll execute you over and over again! I'll haunt you forever! Even after your ****ing reincarnations!"
Goku knew that it was best for him to lay low and stay quiet, lest he contributed to the second round of doomsday by rising Sanzo's blood temperature even more.
"Konzen, I—"
"I'll send you to hell now!!"
"I didn't do anything wrong! Not yet, anyway…"
Thanks to a crafty twist of fate, in his soaring enthusiasm to rip Homura to tiny shreds, Sanzo tripped over his robe. It is worth mentioning here that this accident had never happened before in his life, since his robe was (is, and will always be) in top-notch condition. Nevertheless, the robe got loose in the day's events. Hey, robes are mere fabrics, you know, even if the highest priest on Earth wore them.
"Sanzo~!!" Goku endeavoured to catch his owner, ceasing his fall.
"****!!" cried Sanzo.
"K—Konze—mmph!!??"
Sanzo's lips had landed squarely on Homura's. The onlookers gasped, yelled and/or fainted in astonishment.
The sudden kiss ended as abruptly as it started. Sanzo pulled himself up (plus Goku who was clinging on to him), his hand clasped over his mouth. His energy had deserted him, that to stand properly was no easy task. His heart was working overtime. Homura, half-sitting on the ground, was virtually in the same condition—utterly taken back.
"What!!??" cried Goku. "Homura! What have you done to Sanzo!!??"
"Son Goku, why am I blamed for everything that goes wrong?" protested Homura. "Oh, right! Blame it all on the heretic deity!"
"I'm getting a migraine…" muttered Gojyo, rubbing his temples. "Anyone with Panadol?"
"I've a cookie, though." Kougaiji flicked one in the half-youkai's direction.
"Hey, thanks." Barely stopping for a sniff, he popped it into his mouth, and immediately his face turned a weird shade of green. Before long he swallowed it reluctantly, hoping against hope the unearthly taste would disappear.
Kougaiji, proud of his cookie, paid no attention to poor Gojyo. "I made it myself."
"Figures," whispered Gojyo, who was making strangling noises. 'Discovery of the day; youkais under whatsherface have awful taste buds. Heck, that means even aniki did not escape from this cruel fate…'
"You all right?" Shien asked.
"Call 911 and I'll answer that question for you."
"Oi, prince boy, why don't you get your @$$ out of here? This does not involve you," Zenon hissed at Kougaiji.
"What?! And miss this one in a million chance to witness an invaluable comedy being played right before my eyes?" Kougaiji waved a careless hand, in a way showing off his manicured nails. "No, thank you very much. It's not everyday I get to see the fighting god and a highly-ranked monk make complete fools out of themselves."
"Teme!" Goku cried at Kougaiji. "Sanzo is not a fool! Take that back!"
"Yada. Make me."
"Urusei! Shut your gap, demon boy! I don't need unnecessary bickering!" Sanzo shot at Kougaiji, but he missed appallingly.
"Kyuu!" Hakuryu squeaked in protest, as it was unlucky to have been somewhat near to Kougaiji, yet lucky that the bullet whisked approximately 0.9999cm to its left. Saddened that the monk did not bother listening to its wails, it flew over to Hakkai. The ningen-turned-youkai patted it fondly, slightly to Zenon's jealousy.
"These manacles are troubling my aim," complained Sanzo.
"That's not really an acceptable excuse…" quipped Shien.
"Nyoibo~!" Goku hurled himself towards Kougaiji. Well, Goku was, until he fell down fifty centimetres later, bringing Sanzo and Homura on top of him. The three of them landed in a jumbled pile, with their heads, arms and legs protruding out in all sorts of direction, in an intricate pose.
"Uhm, I believe we shouldn't la—" Hakkai did not finish, for he no longer managed to hide his chuckles.
"Eeto, Kougaiji-sama…you—ha, ha—shouldn't—ha, ha, ha—laugh at them…" from Yaone.
Gojyo was banging his hand (and later his head) on a tree, laughing his head off, his sickness passed completely from his mind.
"Chikusho! Not funny!" Sanzo's arm, which was sticking out from the gap between Homura's stomach and Goku's right leg, fired at them. Since he did not even attempt aiming, due to the fact that his head was sandwiched between Homura's chest and Goku's back, none of the bullets actually ended up killing anybody. Whew.
"Kougaiji! I'll get you for that!"
"Goku, you hit my head…"
"Warui, Homura. Kougaiji!!!"
"Homura, you sorry excuse for a god! Get off me! And stop rubbing my back, damn it!"
"I'm rubbing Goku's, Konzen."
"Waahhh! That was you, Homura!? That wasn't Sanzo??"
"Yarou! Homura! You touched both of us? At once!!?? Get the hell away from me, you hentai!"
"And let go of this golden opportunity? I think not."
"Kougaiji! Where are you!? Let me at him!! Ack~!!!"
"I don't see any golden opportunity! Are you blind now, Homura?"
"My vision is as good as yours, Konzen."
"My pants!"
"Homura! Get your filthy hands off Goku! And me! I'm going to twist your perverted arm and spool your veins like thread once I get my hands on you!"
"You're in my way."
"Damned yes I'm going to be if you don't—!"
"Whose hand is that on my back!?"
"Konzen, Konzen, you really must learn to be patient."
"Stop molesting Goku, you hear me!"
"Oho, Konzen is jealous~"
"Sanzo~!! These chains are binding me!"
"That's because Homura deliberately tied them around you, saru."
"Gojyo, I don't think it's wise for you to film this on tape…" said Hakkai.
"Why not? Do you know they make a lot of money selling these kind of—" replied Gojyo.
"But it's wrong! Even if you want to blackmail Sanzo at least try using another method."
"Who says I'm blackmailing Sanzo? It's Homura."
"Homu—nani!? No, it's still the same."
"Oh, come on! Be a sport, Hakkai."
Hakkai sighed in defeat. "Now I have a migraine…I need tea…"
"Sorry, no tea. But I've coffee." Kougaiji tossed a can to Hakkai, then opened a second one for himself. "Now if only I've some popcorn…"
Zenon cleared his throat. "Excuse me, guys—and girl?" He glanced at Yaone. "As much as I enjoy this free entertainment, shouldn't we do something to solve the current problem? I don't need my salary to be cut because of this disaster."
"Saa, you've a point. Can you please tell your boss to hightail out of here? At least if that is possible, we'll only have to worry about unbinding Sanzo and Goku…" Hakkai inferred. "His teleportation package hasn't expired yet, has it?"
Shien was about to say something when a ray of light descended from the skies, in front of them. It was—a fax note?
Shien grabbed the paper and read it;
To whom it may concern,
The Heaven Teleportation Services are currently facing a slight technical problem, involving a number of HTS employees who cannot seem to keep their eyes open long enough to do their job. The problem will be solved as soon as we find enough coffee to shove down their throats.
Thank you. Sorry for any inconvenience caused. And now I need to get back to my sleep…Zzzzzzzzz…
Zenon gawked at the paper. "You mean we're stuck here until they get their coffee??"
"It seems like that, yes."
"How the heck are they going to look for coffee if they're all asleep!!??"
"Which reminds me—where did you get this?" Hakkai gestured at his empty canned coffee.
Kougaiji, in response, laughed nervously. He realized that he should not—and could not—reveal the reality that he had a few thousands truckload of coffee back in the castle, for fear that a herd of nutty gods might just bomb the place to get their hands on the coffee—and in the process transforming his parents into mere shards.
No, he had to keep it a secret. "It's my emergency supply." Shrugging, he gulped his coffee down placidly.
=+=+=+=+=
"Nii!" yelled Dr. Huang, striding into the lab. "Cancel the implementation of Operation Arabica! The super-saturated distilled coffee extract doesn't seem to have the effect we thought it might-"
"Then… I shouldn't have done this, then?" asked Dr. Nii. Dr. Huang stared in horror. Nii had obviously been pouring the coffee extract into the wide, aluminum pipe, and as she watched, the last drop of the brown-black liquid dripped from the tilted beaker into its gaping mouth.
"…Oh, no…" whispered Huang.
"So I really shouldn't have done it then," quavered Nii.
Huang nodded at him silently, her eyes wide. They watched in a kind of fascinated horror as the coffee zipped through pipes and tubes like a mad roller coaster. All the tubes converged on one point…
Kougaiji's mother's body twitched. Then it went into violent convulsions. A red glow burned around her body, gaining brightness with each passing second. The glass cylinder holding her body cracked-
Nii and Huang, experts at recognizing dangerous buildups of energy, dived behind a handy desk, and not a moment too soon. The cylinder exploded, showering the laboratory with glass shards, goop and writhing tubes.
"This is not a good day," groaned Huang.
"You have no idea," sighed Nii. His stuffed rabbit's ears drooped.
Beyond the desk, a pair of eyes opened. They glowed red.
=+=+=+=+=
"Uh, sumimasen…" Hakkai put forward, trying to get the attention of the trio.
"Kougaiji! One of these days I'll get you! Maybe not now, but someday!"
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine with me, Son Goku." Kougaiji, resting casually on a tree branch, waved at Goku teasingly.
"Konzen, be a dear and let me have Go—"
"Over my dead body! Don't call me 'dear'!!"
"Get off me, onegai! I can hardly breathe! Sanzo! Homura!"
"Seriously, Konzen, you're wasting your cartridges…"
"No such thing as wasting when it comes to killing you."
Sanzo and Homura both stood up unexpectedly, each of them leaped backwards to get as far as possible from the other. Unfortunately for Goku, who was smack dab right in the middle, was practically hanging in mid-air as the tightened chains stretched out as long as they were able to.
"Not good, not good at all…" Goku sighed, his arms opened wide. Out of the blue he felt as if his body was about to be torn in half. "Aiii! It hurts!" On reflexes, Goku countered, pulling his arms together, as well as the two men towards him. The sudden force caught both the monk and the god off guard, that they were easily hauled as if they were empty coffee cans. The two accidentally banged their heads together.
Sanzo rubbed his sore forehead, murmuring all sorts of damnation that crossed his mind.
"Sanzo, are you hurt?" Goku, forgetting about his own ache, rushed to Sanzo's side. "Tell me you're OK, please."
"Do I look like I'm OK?" demanded he irately. But soon after an awkward pause, he replied slowly. "I'm fine, damn it."
"Yokatta!"
"They've stopped quarrelling at last! Well, it seems that I don't have to use this anymore." Yaone kept a bottle, within it a grey coloured liquid, into her—wherever she kept her things.
"What was that?" asked a curious Gojyo.
"Awful, smelly stuff," offered Kougaiji, jumping off the tree. "Effective in sending people into a comatose state for days, and sometimes weeks if you're unlucky. I thought I told you to never use that thing again."
"But, Kougaiji-sama…I cannot bear to throw this away! Do you know how much effort I've put into this? How easy was it to acquire three dragon's tongues, a frog's liver—"
"Alright, alright, I see your point." Kougaiji was actually shivering in disgust. "Just keep it out of my sight."
"Homura! Unfasten these handcuffs now!" insisted Sanzo, strangling Homura. "Even if I can't kill you, I can still turn you into a cripple—"
"Darn you, Konzen! Fine, then. Let me go and I'll give you the ****ing key." Homura, sighing, reached into his pocket, feeling for the key.
"I thought they wouldn't stop…" said Hakkai, wiping his sweaty forehead. "Sanzo's so helpful, as always."
"I'm just glad we don't have to butt in," added Gojyo. "My hair is already getting limp."
"Screw it all, Homura!" said Sanzo, impatient. "What's taking you so long!?"
"Ah…" Homura, as he glanced at them, reached deeper into his pockets.
"Well?" asked Goku, expectantly.
"…oh, !*^@…"
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Authoress' Notes:
Hikaru: *holding up a signboard* [Moment of truth, people! We have no idea what this fic is coming to.]
Rice-chan: Since Hikaru here is an avid supporter of Sanzo/Goku pairings, she would feel just a little upset if she should write a non-Sanzo/Goku 'fic-
Hikaru: *switches signboards* [Just a little upset? I'd be devastated! Devastated!]
Wind-chan: -So she came up with the idea that this 'fic will be a threesome – that is, Homura/Sanzo/Goku. Uh-huh, her ideas.
Hikaru: *glares sideways at them, raising another board* [That's right…Blame everything on the most innocent one here…]
Wind-chan: Innocent? Excuse me? Who suggested a threesome in the first place!?
Rice-chan: As I was saying…if this fic should indeed turn out to be a threesome, it'd possibly the first ever Saiyuki threesome on FF.Net – then again we could be mistaken…
Hikaru: [Dakara, I'd like to know what is your opinion regarding our little dilemma! And I'm so sorry!]
Wind-chan: Thank you for reading!
Rice-chan: And if anything goes wrong, blame it on Hikaru!
Hikaru: [Hey!]
Wind-chan: Wait… just why am I being referred to as Wind-chan here?
Hikaru: ^^;;;
