Hey there party people! Well, I just have one thing to say. I read Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince and my story probably will not follow how the book went. Not that it ever really followed how the books were going anyways, which is why I was enjoying writing it. But I just wanted to let you know and I hope that you all will keep reading. I am sure that you are tired of hearing me talk, so here I go with the story. Enjoy!
Chapter 9: What is happening to me?
"You're just like your father," those words continued to repeat in his head every time he saw her. They made him angry. They made him angry at her for saying them, for thinking them, and angry at himself for the fact that he made them true last night. She had every right to say it; he deserved it for what he had said to her last night. His sleep was filled with fitful nightmares, not about her though, because he still did not think of her in that way, but about his father and the torturous things he did with his life, and the worst one of all, was him doing the same torturous things.
He visibly shuttered at the memory, and pushed it to the back of his brain as he watched her shuffle into the great hall early Saturday morning. Her body language screamed, 'Leave me alone!' Her head hung low, her shoulders were hunched forward, her arms hung limply at her sides, and she never picked her feet up off of the floor, she just shuffled along until she plopped herself down at the end of the Gryffindor table, closest to the exit. She sat by herself, not one was really in the great hall besides a few younger years at the other tables, but he was sure she would have chosen to sit by herself anyways. She did not eat anything; she just pushed her food around her plate with her fork. Her brown hair was loosely pulled back into a messy bun, she was pale, and she had dark circles under her red puffy eyes. She almost looked like a zombie. She wore a fitted black t-shirt that had to word 'loser' written in white block letters across her chest, and she had on a pair of slightly baggy black sweatpants. On her feet, she wore a simple pair of black flip flops. His heart dropped as he continued to watch her.
'Why is this happening to me? It used to make me feel good to hurt Granger,' he thought to himself, but never tore his eyes away from her.
He came to Hogwarts this year on a mission. He was on a mission to prove to everyone that he was not his father, that he was not anything like that cold heartless jerk that raised him. He wanted to show people that he really was a good person, and that the only reason he joined the light side in the war was not just to keep himself from being killed or imprisoned, but to prove that this is the side he really belonged on, that this was who he wanted to be. Though he came on a mission, it was the end of his first week and he had already failed miserably.
'I guess old habits die a lot harder than I thought,' He had helped to fill Granger with the hurt and sadness she had been carrying around with her since 'the incident' on Wednesday night. She was already upset about this Nick character breaking up with her, and then he had to go along and kiss her. 'What the bloody hell was I thinking kissing her? She wasn't ready, hell, I wasn't even ready for that,' he thought angrily to himself.
"I'm such an ass," Draco grumbled, "she was right."
"Who was right?" he tuned his head to the left to look at the curious face of Blaise, whom he guessed had just sat down next to him.
"Granger,"
"Have you seen her lately? She is a total mess. Looks like she hasn't slept in days," Blaise followed his gaze and noticed that it rested upon her. "You live with her man, what happened to her the last few days? No one's seen her outside of classes since she left transfiguration on Wednesday to go find you, and even then she isn't really there. It's like there is a Hermione shell walking around."
"It's my fault," Blaise was staring at him. "I…I said some stuff to her when she came to find me that I shouldn't have."
"What could you have said to make her be like that?" he nodded in Hermione's direction. "When you said something to her on the train, she totally blew it off and shoved it back in your face."
"Well, it wasn't only me. She was already depressed and I made it worse."
"Stop skirting the question! What did you say?"
"That Nick had the right idea dumping her, and that anyone else would be better than the mudblood Gryffindor bookworm." Blaise was starting at him open mouthed. " I didn't mean to hurt her, I was angry with myself and those things just came out."
"Nick, as in the new kid and Hermione dated? When?"
"Shit!" he slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. "I wasn't supposed to say anything. Just pretend you didn't hear that!"
"Woah! You can't just spill that and then not explain."
"You can't tell anyone Blaise," he sighed. "Especially not Ginny, Potter , and Weasley, and all of them. They CAN'T know, GOT IT?"
"Okay, I got it," he nodded his head for Draco to continue. "When did you become protector of Granger's secrets anyways?"
"I am NOT protector of Granger's secrets, she just started telling me without, well…really knowing that she was telling ME," he sounded exasperated. "Anyways, Granger and Nick used to date in the Muggle World. They dated for like two years, and she didn't know he was a wizard until he showed up here. Well, he dumped her the night before school started, because he met someone else. That is all I know."
"WHAT?" Blaise had shock written all over his face and if this was not such a serious issue, Draco would have laughed at the look on his best friend's face.
"Shhh…" he hit Blaise in the arm.
"Ouch," Blaise rubbed his arm.
"Then shut up," he whispered, "you're drawing attention."
"Wait," he was still rubbing his arm. "Why do you know all of this and Harry, Ron, and Ginny don't? You two hate each other. Any why did you say those things to her? What were you so mad about?"
"Well, aren't you full of questions today?" he continued eating his now lukewarm breakfast. "She doesn't want anyone to know about it, and don't you listen? I told you that she just sort of told me on accident after Nick left our room a couple of days ago! And I said all of that to her because I was mad about something that happened between us, and I took it out on her when she tried to help me with my eye after we met with McGonagall about the fight in class yesterday."
"Merlin, you went crazy yesterday. And it sounds to me like your first comment was right, you are an ass." Blaise looked back down at his half full plate. "What was the fight about anyways? Not Claire again was it?"
"Nott's an ass. He told me I couldn't get a pureblood, so I had to go for a mudblood. Just because I glanced in her direction, I wasn't even looking at her," he lied to Blaise.
"Merlin Draco, You like her don't you?" Blaise had a smug smile on his face.
"WHAT?" he screamed in disbelief. "NO WAY! I DON'T LIKE HER!" he screamed and then stormed out of the great hall.
"He likes her," Blaise chuckled to himself quietly and watched a flustered Draco burst out of the great hall.
"Oofff…" she fell to the ground hard, as someone forcefully ran into her as she was leaving the great hall. "How rude," she said dully when they did not even stop to see if she was okay. "This is going to be a fantastic weekend, I can already feel it. I haven't slept in three days. My friends didn't notice anything was wrong until about five minutes ago, and now they are asking me a million questions which drives me crazy. Then I get run over by someone? I don't even want to know how the rest of the weekend is going to go, hell, I don't even want to know how the rest of today is going to go," she had picked herself up off of the ground by now and was a few footsteps away from the portrait hole. "United," she mumbled and stepped through the hold and plopped herself down onto one of the large, soft, black, leather chairs and closed her eyes.
She was so absorbed in her thoughts, she never heard anyone enter the room, nor did she hear them sit in the chair across the table from her. She did not have to see him to know that he was there. She could feel his stare, making her put up her defenses.
"Why are you staring at me?" she asked bitterly, keeping her eyes closed tightly. "Stop it, it gives me the creeps."
"Look Granger," Malfoy started but she interrupted him.
"Don't talk to me. I don't want to hear, nor do I care to hear what you have to say, "She still did not look up at him.
"But, what happened between us, it…"
"It was what?" her eyes snapped open, glaring menacingly at him, and she was leaning forward, as if she were a tiger ready to pounce on her prey. "What are you even talking about? Nothing happened between us. I'm a mudblood Gryffindor bookworm and anyone else would be better than me, so obviously nothing happened between us. I don't want to lose my position as head and I know you don't either, so let's not talk to each other unless it's absolutely necessary, otherwise stay out of my way, and I will surely stay out of yours," she pushed herself up from her chair and stomped upstairs and into her room. Slamming the door behind her.
Between her lack of information from Nick, and a turn of events with Malfoy, she was more angry than she had ever been before.
"Thank goodness Dumbledore allowed me to bring and charm my CD player to play at school this year," singing and listening to music was how she dealt with her problems.
She flipped the on switch a few minutes after she entered her room. My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay" was blaring through the small speakers on her radio as she danced around her room and sang the lyrics at the top of her lungs. Music healed her soul of emotions she wished she did not feel. She listened to happy music too, but there was just something about listening to the pain of others that helped her through her own pain. She listened to pretty much every genre imaginable, well at least those in languages that she could understand, though she did have her favorites. She used music as a way of expressing herself. She always had trouble talking her problems out with people, plus who would she talk to anyways? Harry and Ron? Yeah right, they are guys and would not care about her stupid petty problems anyways. Ginny? She was too wrapped up in Blaise, and Blaise was too wrapped up in Ginny. Plus he was Malfoy's best friend. Lavender and Parvati? Yea right, the gossip sisters? Malfoy, NO WAY! That answer ends there, there are just too many reasons why that is a bad idea.
"What will it
take to show you that it's not the life it seems? I told you time and
time again you sing the words but don't know what it means. To be a
joke and look, another line without a hook. I held you close as we
both shook for the last time take a good hard look!" Why was
she so upset anyway? It is not like she like him or anything. Did
she? NOT WAY! He is MALFOY! But that kiss. She was just upset about
Nick and it felt good to be kissed. It had not been that long, but
she still missed the feeling. "I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm
not okay. You wear me out Forget about the dirty looks
The
photographs your boyfriend took. You said you read me like a book,
but the pages are all torn and frayed"
She planed to stay away from people this weekend. She needed to get control of herself. She had lost control, and she hated it when she lost control. She was going to stay away from her friends, Nick, and most especially Malfoy. She had plenty of things to do. She had homework she needed to catch up on, even if it was due a month from now, she had a lot of reading to do, she had her music, and she had soccer. All of those things calmed her down and she hoped that they worked for her this weekend. She would need all of the tricks she could find.
She danced around her room until she collapsed onto her bed near the end of the song. "But you really need to listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth. I mean this, I'm okay!(Trust Me)I'm not okay. I'm not okay. Well, I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay. I'm not okay."
