Disclaimer: Kripke's sandbox, just building my own castles with the boys.

D,

I'm sorry. That's really all I wanted to say. I'm sorry…

I'm sorry that it has been so long since I've taken the time to write to you. Things have been so crazy…but in a good way. I've been practicing what I've learned so far each day for part of the day then spending the rest of the time working with Ruby to expand on what I've already learned. We managed to snatch up a lower level demon a couple of weeks ago and used him for a week of practice.

I'd feel bad about the things we did to him if I hadn't already known what he had done to the person he had pushed out of the vessel he was using. There really isn't anything I could do to him that would be apt punishment…yet. I won't tell you the details but, take it from me, you wouldn't be upset if I had set him on fire and made him dance while he burned.

He was only the first in a line of lower level demons that we have managed to take out of the picture while my lessons, and my power, increase. It's been worth it though. I have mastered the ability to reach that part of me that controls this…thing. I barely even have to think about it now. I just think about what I want to do and the power comes…almost too easily.

I've also mastered the trick of picking out the demon from the essence of the host. This last one I was able to identify without Ruby's help at all. Tomorrow she wants to start on the process of separating the two of them. Seeing if I can "push" the demon out without harming the host. If I can do that… well, imagine how many innocent people we could help.

I'm sorry that this is taking so long. I never thought it would. I always thought I'd find a way to get you out of there so quickly…I was wrong. I can't even begin to imagine what this is like for you, what you are going through. Just know that I haven't given up on you Dean. I would never give up on you. Everything I do is for you.

I realized today that it has been a whole month since I lost you. A whole month… How can that be? How can I still be functioning and moving through each day without you? Do you know how much time has passed? Does it feel like hours...days…years to you? God, I can only pray that there is some strange time anomaly that makes this seem so much shorter for you. I've asked Ruby but she keeps telling me she doesn't know…I'm pretty sure she's lying. That only makes me think the worst…

I'm sorry for being weak. I felt so lost today when I saw that it was the anniversary of… well, I guess I kind of lost it for a little while. I hate myself for not knowing that it had been so long. I should be feeling every second of you being gone not having days pass by without even realizing it. I wanted to do something…anything…to just, I don't even know what I wanted to do… but it must have been bad… I sure as hell scared Ruby…

I'm sorry…for doing the one thing that I swore I would never do…the one thing I don't know if you can forgive… I was just so hurt, so lost. I didn't even realize what I was doing until it was over. I never meant for it to happen, you have to believe that Dean. If nothing else, please believe that. She was concerned about me… afraid of what I might do. It had just been so damn long since anyone…since you…cared about me… I don't think she even meant for it to happen…it just did…

There is no excuse I could make that would make this right. I know that. I know that what we did was wrong…on so many levels I can't even begin to list them. I can't stand the thought of what you will think about me when you find out. What kind of person am I? I don't even know anymore. How could I touch her…be with her… like that… when she is no better than the bastards that are probably torturing you right now? I don't love her. I can't. I don't… I just… I needed…she was… Damn it! How will I ever be able to look you in the eyes again?

I'm sorry. That's really all I wanted to say…all I can say... I'm sorry.

Please forgive me…

Sammy