He woke up to the sensation of fingers running through his hair. He breathed in the gentleness of those fingers, how much care and love they took in carding between his hairline and ending at the tips. The motion was so relaxing that he refused to move for several minutes, content the way he was. It reminded him of the times his Master would pet his head or play with his Padawan braid whenever he was ill or upset about something. A lump formed in his throat, as his emotions started to get the better of him when he recalled his fallen master. Those fingers then traveled down his face and brushed a crossed his cheek.

"Kanan?"

Hera. He thought with a small smile, of course it was Hera.

"You're crying. What's wrong, love?"

Huh?

Kanan felt the wetness on his cheeks, felt them fall and stick to his beard, soaking it. He realized that, yes she was right. He was crying. He felt her cup his face and rubbed her thumb a crossed his skin, while the other stroked the top of his head.

"I don't know."

Lie, obviously. He knew exactly why he was feeling this way, but he didn't want to worry her more then she probably already was. There was a slight pause from the Twi'lek, then he felt Hera lean forward and press her forehead against his own. Leaning into the comforting touch, Kanan shifted to bring a hand to the back of her neck and let out another breathe.

They remained that way for a few minutes. Even when Kanan started to feel... as if something was— off. He felt strange, he felt different but not in a good way. The feeling set like a heavy stone in his stomach, and he didn't like it

"How long have I been out?" He asked, curiously finally breaking the comfortable silence between them.

Hera paused for the second time as she lifted her head and straight up. "You collapsed just after we arrived on Atollon, you were rushed to the UEC immediately for then unknown chemicals inside your bloodstream and have been in and out of consciousness for the past six days now, you developed a high fever and it didn't break until a couple hours ago. You woke a couple of times after that but you probably don't remember any of them?" She explained, calmly. As she wrapped her hands around his and squeezed them tightly, Kanan stayed silent as he let himself soak in that new information before he shook his head he sighed and pressured his lips together, his head starting to ache from all that's happened. No, he didn't remember waking up at all, everything after they rescued Ezra from Maul was a complete blur.

"Are you okay, dear?" The Twi'lek inquired, and the Jedi Knight heard the concern in her voice and he couldn't help but squeeze her hand back in return, to try an ease her mind, reassure her that it was nothing serious.

"Just a small headache, I'm fine."

To his surprise, Hera actually chuckled at his comment. "Kanan, you are many things. You're a great leader, a wonderful Jedi Master, a loyal friend, a dedicated and determined fighter, a compassionate and equally affectionate father figure- And you have been through many things, many horrific things in the past and because of all that plus adding the recent events with Maul, I think we both know that you haven't been 'fine' in a very long time."

Her words cut deep, they cut deep into Kanan, his headache only increased that much more. He found himself sighing once again, but this time out of exasperation instead of stress, because he was so tired, so tired of just... everything. Because Hera was right, he hasn't been 'fine' in years. "I know." He said, finally after minutes of silence, his voice hushed and small. "But I'm here aren't I?"

"You are here, yes. You're alive but not without scars. Physical and as well as mental scars. You'll pull through this, just like you always do. But that still doesn't mean your okay. It means the opposite, actually. Because what you went through, the things that were done... It was traumatic, it was deep and physical torture. You can't just pop back from this like all the other times, it doesn't work that way." Hera stated, truthfully. Kanan could hear the pleading tones behind her words, begging him to let them help him.

He patted her hand and pulled her closer to him. wrapping his arms around her and gently kissed her temple. "I'll be fine, Hera. No need to worry." He yawned, suddenly feeling very exhausted.

Hera chuckled, wryly, once more and snuggled up to his side and remained there. "Worrying is the number one thing we do in this family, love."

He let out a puff of laughter before he drifted off to sleep.


Laughing

It seemed that no matter which way he went, which way he walked or ran, Kanan couldn't escape that awful laughing, that horrible, delightful laughing that was directed toward himself. Directed at at his pain and torment. He knew who it was, the monster laughing at him. Maul, Darth Maul, because who else would it be? He tried to hide, to cover his ears and will the laughter away, will the agony inflicted on his body but the sound seemed to seep through the cracks of his fingers and he heard it anyway.

Stop

Leave me alone!

But the laughing continued regardless of his pleas for silence. Soon, Kanan felt the madness within himself begin to easily break through the cracks of his mind.

Then as that noise dissipated, another one surfaced.

But this one was so much worse

It was Ezra's voice

It was Ezra screaming. Loud, bloodcurdling, agonized screams that made him bolt upright from his crouched position.

"Ezra!" He called out, frantically. Running in different directions to try and find the location of his Padawan. "Ezra!" But Ezra gave no replay back, his screams only continued to get louder and louder, Ezra cried, pleaded for help, cried for Kanan to come save him, to make the pain go away.

He fell to his knees, pulling at his hair as tears fell down his cheeks, his chest aching.

Then all at once the screams stopped and Kanan's heart ceased.

"EZRA!"

Kanan bolted up from the bed, a scream dying fast on his lips, a scream of Ezra's name. His heart was pounding in his ears and his breathes were coming out in short, hitched gasps of air. A hand fell against his chest, gently trying to lay him back down on the bed but jerked away from it, impulsively.

"Whoa! Easy, Kanan. It's me."

Hera, that's Hera's voice. He thought to himself, attempting to reassure his mind and calm his rapidly beating heart. But it wasn't working, as images from his obvious nightmare flashed within blind eyes, he cringed violently and let out a gasp when he hears Ezra's scream and it felt and sounded real as if he was right there in the room. "Ezra!" He cried out, tossing the blankets off his body, Kanan moved to get up, moved to get out of this room and get to his Padawan.

That was until strong hands grasped his hands and firmly pushed him back down on the bed, he jerked, he struggled to get away but the hands refused to budge. "Easy, mate. Calm down."

He knew that voice. "Zeb?"

"Who else would it be?"

The sound of Ezra's screaming made him jump and he began his struggling again. "Ezra!"

"Kanan—?"

He cringed, his body tensing, his limps were prickled with pain and his skin was burning. "I have to get to Ezra!" He explained, his voice high and loud, sounding to near hysteria. His head hurt as it was filled with thick, heavy fog that was preventing him from thinking straight. "He's screaming— Can't you hear it?"

"Buddy, hey." A different voice this time, it was Rex. "Listen to me, okay? No one is screaming. Ezra isn't screaming. He's outside with Sabine and Chopper. Everything is alright, but you need to calm down so we can help you, you understand?" He let out a choked breathe, the haze in his mind beginning to dissipated as he nodded. But the sounds of Maul's laughter and Ezra's heart breaking screams wouldn't go away.

He knew what his crew— his family was trying to do.

They were trying to hear him out and not judge him just by his hysterics alone. They were listening, while also being reassuring and giving him their comfort. They were trying to be supportive. And the Jedi Knight appreciated that, he honestly and truly did because he loved them all so much.

But right now, in his irrational state of mind, Kanan didn't want support, he didn't want comfort. He wanted his Padawan, he wanted his son and if Ezra was really as safe as his friends say then he needed to see it— or in this case sense it face to face. "I have to see him..." He begged, his milky-white eyes were open and they were pleading. "I need to see him!" Kanan looked to Hera, whom he could sense and could feel that she was feeling such concern and sadness for him. "Please."

He felt her run her slim fingers within his hair, just like last time. "Okay—" Her voice sound thick with emotion. "I'll go...tell him your asking for him." And he could tell that her words were genuine, that she wasn't lying, that she was going to go get his Padawan. And made his heart feel a little less tight and heavy.

As Hera left, the room fell silent.

"So uh..." Zeb said awkwardly, and Kanan could feel the Lasat's hesitation. "Do you...uh... want us to go?"

Kanan's first response was to tell them no, he didn't want them all to go so soon when he only just woke up, after finally being free from being Maul's prisoner. But he stopped himself when he realized that he and Ezra have suffered greatly since their capture. Both were left with physical and mental scars. And he remembered Hera's words, and he realized that she was right once again. Their ordeal wasn't going to disappear on it's own, not when it has been this traumatic for both of them. They needed to talk about this, otherwise it would never go away. Slowly, he nodded. "That's probably best— not that I don't want you all to stay, I do. It's just Ezra and I...have some things we need to talk about, painful things that we're not ready to discuss with anyone just yet."

There was another moment of silence and immediately Kanan felt ashamed. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be—"

"Don't worry about it, bud. We understand." Rex reassured, calmly.

Zeb patted his back. "Yeah, you and the kid went through a lot the past couple weeks, of course neither of you would be able to talk about it right away, take all the time you need. We'll wait."

Kanan closed his eyes and exhaled a slow breathe, feeling more grateful to have such an understanding and loyal family. "Thank you. Thank you both... for everything." Soon, they left and Kanan was alone. A shiver ran down his spine at the realization of being alone, because he was isolated for weeks, it made him terribly lonely and caused his mind to— that same heavy, feeling was back, and he knew that something's was wrong with him, Kanan just didn't know what. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Ezra's screaming and Maul's laughter again and the images that flashed within his mind, he grimaced, his face scrunching up and he bit his lower bit as his head started pound.

Get out... He demanded, almost angrily as that strangle, heavy feeling from before came back and wouldn't go away. Get out of my head— Leave me alone! He bowed his head and dug his finger nails into his scalp. Wishing that he could scratch out the images- the memories out of his head and forget them all together. But he couldn't and he knew he couldn't, what happened to him... what happened to them both— it happened, he had to accept that, they both did.

But that didn't make this any easier, that didn't make the sounds from his nightmare go away, or that his body was now beginning to burn with pain, it wasn't agonizing, but it hurt enough to be annoying, to make him cringe slightly.

From the back of his mind he heard something. Small, faint whispering that only seemed to get louder with every passing second. The voices told him things, he saw flashes of images within the darkness in his eyes. Images he didn't know which ones were real and which were fake. He saw Hera, his Master, his friends all talking to him, telling him to do things.

He shook his head, frantically. No! No! I won't do any of that! Go away! He brought his knees to his chest and prayed for the whispering to stop, he wanted everything to just stop. Then among the voices, one stood out above the rest, one that made his blood freeze.

It was Maul's.

Having trouble telling reality for hallucination.

"Shut up." Kanan's voice was venomous and didn't sound like his own. "You're not real, I killed you."

Ah, but maybe that's the problem, Master Jedi. My murder has effected you more then you know.

The Jedi Knight bit his lip, he raised his hands and covered his ears with them, forcefully pressing into them. "Stop it, you're dead. Leave me alone!" His breathe became labored as he felt Maul's voice right up against his body. He hit his head with his knuckles, wishing what he was hearing and seeing would disappear.

Ah, well. Maul sighed, with a small laugh. It was filled with so much delight that it sent shivers down his body. Within time you'll realize soon enough that no one stays gone forever.

He squeezed his eyes shut, and felt utterly helpless as he could do nothing he succumbed by his madness.


Sorry it's taking so long to post this chapter here, but my Wifi is off and I can't use the internet cause that uses data from my phone and that's bad if I run out. I also would like to say sorry for the abrupt ending to this chapter but it was getting very very long, so I actually had to cut off the part I wrote for this chapter and that whole part will be in the next chapter.

This chapter I wanted to delve inside the broken mind that is Kanan Jarrus. His nightmares, his hallucinations. And just how much he has evidently changed since he killed Maul. Next chapter will be mostly some Kanan and Ezra discussions about what happened to them.

Make no mistake both Kanan and Ezra are equally damaged. More so mentally then physically because their physical wounds will heal with time. Their minds? Not so much, their going to need a lot of support from each other to get through this mess. But like I said it's going to get worse before it gets better and it is going to be a while before things get better.

Anywoo, a penny for your thoughts? Please leave hem in a review, they are always very much appreciated and I will see you all soon.