Penitence


Notes: Find me on Tumblr at spoopercorp and on AO3 as Local_Asshole.


Summary: Lucy can't seem to catch a break despite all of her efforts, especially Kara, who continues to struggle with the aftermath of her ravaging duel. Their relationship has never faced a greater challenge.

TRIGGER WARNING: HEAVY ANGST.


The sun's rays were successfully restored, but Kara's beaming light disappeared, her face constantly projected a darkening mood.

At Lucy's pleading, she sought medical attention with the D.E.O.'s psychiatrist and psychologist a week later, who both diagnosed her with major depressive disorder. Neither of them were unfamiliar with that process. Kara, who used to be so happy and so bright, regardless of how hopeless the situation was; who was kind, patient, and tolerant to others whether she liked them or not. All of those aspects that made her Kara disappeared the moment she saved Alex and Lucy from death's daunting gaze, turning the tables on Lex Luthor.

The disturbed blonde was on medical leave from CatCo, and did not work much for the D.E.O. as there had been a strange absence of threatening alien activity. She spent most of her days curled up in a fetal position in bed, her wistful eyes barely peeking out of the covers, rarely eating, never setting foot out of the apartment. Her mental stupor caused her to remain in an almost catatonic state. She seldom talked, but when she did her voice was tiny and it held no confidence, she mostly communicated through the nodding or shaking of her head. She never sat at the dinner table anymore, which prompted Lucy to deliver her meal on a plate; it was always left untouched atop the nightstand.

The brunette could only helplessly watch as her lover delved deeper into the pits of despair.

The doctors said that everyone dealt with depression in their own way, and that their loved ones should hold patience and wait for them to return home. Some might take longer than others to recover, but the majority of the time it was short-lived is what they said. However, they neglected, or rather chose not, to tell Lucy that this wound of Kara's would possibly never heal, never scar over. She would continue to bleed and carry that burden the rest of her life.

J'onn was the only other person that knew the extent of her situation besides Alex and Lucy, the rest of the world either berated her or praised her for the death of Lex Luthor.

However, none of them could deeply understand Supergirl's inner plight. J'onn, Alex, and Lucy were bred as soldiers, they have killed on orders from their superiors and almost never questioned it, they were prepared for the weight it carried.

Kara was not.

The younger Lane soon came to realize that her lover's unintentional avenging of Clark's death had caused an irreparable impact. Even Alex's faith in her little sister's resolve was destabilized, the young hero's resilience was tested beyond its limits. Kara was at an impasse, now a pitiful child worn out from the world's problems and expectations. Her facial expressions were distant, cold, and stiff, like cynicism overcame her prior hopeful demeanor.

Lucy would be lying if she said she was not frustrated and hurt by Kara's defensive maneuver to detach herself from her relationships. The brunette felt as if an impenetrable wall surrounded the young hero, forcing her into solitude, her thoughts isolated from everyone else, only deep remorse and loneliness keeping her company.

It was psychologically jarring for the blonde. Winn, James, Alex, and sometimes even J'onn would come to visit individually to check up on Kara. Her older sister eventually held gatherings at the apartment at least once a week, and even Lois showed up. The younger Danvers was truly grateful, but they served as a constant reminder that everything was not normal, that her life had become warped since the battle. One day, Kara abruptly yelled at everyone, shouting at them to leave her alone, flipping the table over. Alex apologized to everybody of her unwarranted explosion, her tantrum breaking several plates. The damaged girl knew that it was uncalled for and she regretted it the moment she stormed out and stomped into her bedroom, soon she called her friends that had to experience her outburst to apologize profusely. They all sympathized with her, glad that she got some of the rage off of her chest. Her request was answered, the gatherings stopped and she only socialized with her friends if she willingly sought them out.

Lucy. She was a different story. She was immediately there for every single trivial thing that she could possibly need. The brunette knew Kara absolutely dreaded feeling helpless so she gave her the physical and emotional space that she needed. Lex's use of Kryptonite on her restricted some of her movements the first few weeks, so Lucy always went out of her way to rearrange wires and re-position furniture to make the most ideal, non-hazardous environment for her partner, like she did when she herself was injured. The dishes' and silverwares' locations were moved for better access, the remote control was always within reach, all of Kara's favorite foods and movies magically appeared in the refrigerator and shelves, and she always woke up to the sight of homemade breakfast. In the meantime, the soldier continued to be the young hero's anchor.

Lucy never demanded or asked of anything from her, never forced her to talk about her feelings as she had hoped Kara would seek her out when she was ready. She waited weeks, then they passed by like a haze, she had initially thought the blonde's emotional release would improve things. Her passions became mild, then she became disinterested, opting to never leave her room. They spoke to each other less, only consisting of daily niceties like "good morning" or "how are you" or "how was your day". When it was bedtime Kara would move as far away from Lucy as possible, laying on the edge with her back turned.

The brunette immensely desired to talk to her, about anything, but was uncertain and worried she would worsen things. Eventually, she turned to Alex, who was just as pained as she was.

"I've...I've tried everything. I don't know what to do anymore. She's not budging," Lucy's tone was hopeless.

"I know," the auburn-haired woman nodded solemnly, "I have as well. We want answers that no one can give us. Even my mom, who always seemed to hold the key to cheering Kara up, doesn't know what to do."

"It's been four months, that's one-third of an entire year!"

"I know..."

The younger Lane pondered Lois's comment on the matter from a few days ago, she said, "I know that you and Alex both love her dearly, but you both need to put yourselves in consideration as well. You're caring for her at the expense of yourselves, and that's not sustainable. You can't always be secondary. Sooner or later something's going to break."

Lucy sighed, blinking the tears away.

Kara loved them both very much, but she could not help but partially blame them for what happened. It was unreasonable, she knew. Their interactions with one another continued to lessen, and Alex distracted herself with the busy work life of the D.E.O. to cope, hoping to give her little sister more time to heal. Lucy though, she never gave up, but her resolve continued to diminish after every rejected invitation she received when she wanted to do something together. In time, even the strong soldier's light was drained, complementing her partner's lack as well.

It did not go unnoticed.

"You deserve better."

Lucy paused, hovering the plate of food just above the nightstand as per usual, "W-What?"

Silence.

"You deserve to be happy."

"What...what're you saying?"

"I'm saying..." Kara sat up harshly, "that I don't want to be responsible for what you're feeling right now. I know that I'm effecting you too."

"I'm not doing this with you."

"Well, I am."

The brunette hesitated before sitting on the bed, intertwining their fingers like they have not done in months, "You may have given up, but I haven't. Not on you. Not on us. I'm still fighting."

Kara's nostrils flared and anger flashed in her eyes, she retracted her hand, "I don't want to fight anymore! Don't you get it, Lucy!"

The blonde stormed out of the apartment, seething with rage.

This time, she really hoped that this was the release that her beloved needed.

But it was around two in the morning and she had not come back home. Lucy paced in the living room, grumbling worriedly before finally deciding to call Kara's older sister, "Alex?"

"Yeah?" the woman yawned on the other line, "What's up?"

"Is she with you?"

Agent Danvers immediately knew who she was referring to, "No, but she did ask me if I wanted to go to the local bar with her. I said I'd love to but she suddenly changed her mind."

"I'll go look for her, she was talking about the one near our apartment, right? A few blocks away?"

"Yeah, want me to come with?"

"No, it's okay, you can go back to sleep. It's within walking distance. Thank you."

Alex wanted to argue but decided against it as she thought it was best for the couple to settle things by themselves. She wanted to help mitigate whatever Kara would say as she had gotten more aggravated and irritable.

Her phone disconnected and she went back to bed.

Lucy, on the other hand, pulled on her jeans and Kara's favorite sweater before taking the umbrella out of the closet as the heavy rain thundered on the roof. She paused, pulling out a small box from the drawer. The brunette held it close to her heart, reinforcing her strength before she strode out of the door.


"Hey..."

Kara turned towards the reluctant voice and scrutinized its source, slurring her words, "Lucy."

"Are you...drunk?"

"Yeah!" the blonde chuckled, "Turns out I just need to drink a shit ton to get intoxicated!"

The man behind the bar commented, "Like...a shit ton."

Lucy glared at the bartender before glancing gently back at her girlfriend, "Let's go home."

Kara retreated, "I don't want to go home! Not with you! I hate you! Did you even consider the fact that I left to get away from you!"

The brunette reeled back, the blunt outburst hit her hard, "I-I know you don't mean that."

"How do you know what I feel! Just...go away!"

Lucy obliged, backing off so as not to cause a scene.

It was three in the morning when the blonde came stumbling out of the bar in her inebriated state, shocked by the pouring rain, which suddenly stopped. Kara looked up to see her lover's patient and kind face, holding up the umbrella and draping her own coat around her, voice gentle, "Let's go home."

No response.

It was now or never.

Opening the lid of the small jewelry box, she cradled a bracelet that to her, held an immense amount of love, "It's a charm bracelet I bought for you, each ornament represents a significant event. A copper-bronze box for the day I moved in, a chocolate pie for our food fight, blue and green orbs to match our eyes, a sparkle for the time we stargazed, a raindrop for the day you flew us home when my car broke down and it was pouring, a heart for our first time, and..."

However, the romantic gesture only served to intensify Kara's distress, she slapped her hand away, in turn making the umbrella and bracelet fly onto the concrete ground, neither of them minding the drenching rain, "You don't get it do you? I don't want to be with you anymore! I'm breaking up with you! I can't look at you and relive the moment that I murdered someone! Just...leave! Don't you realize you're doing all of this in vain? I can't be fixed! By anyone!"

Lucy inhaled deeply, her stinging tears overflowing and mixing with the rain, "Kara, I don't need a 'thank you' or anything in return. I just want you to get better, so please, let me do that; I care about you, I love you so much."

The blonde was crying as well, both their visions were blurred, by the rain or by the tears they did not know. Lucy reached up to caress Kara's cheek, but her arm was roughly slapped away.

"Don't...touch me..."

The broken hero turned and walked off, but before she could go any farther, Lucy caught up and gripped her shoulder, "Please...don't go. If you do...I don't know if...if I can go on like this. I can give you more time, more space, anything, but please...don't go...there won't be anything left of me to give you..."

Kara faced her lover and saw beautiful verdant eyes that harbored a hint of hope, but she replied with a low and shaky voice, "I'm sorry..."

Her statement held such stark and definitive finality that it disturbed the brunette.

Kara watched the forest jade hue darken, the last of its compelling light completely fading from her now ex-girlfriend's eyes, same as her own.

Then she roughly removed the hand on her shoulder and walked away, the sound of the gravel trailing her footsteps, leaving Lucy's shattered heart in its wake.


Notes: Constructive criticism appreciated.