CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD
BACK TO THE BEGINNING
CHAPTER 9
Sam watched as his brother stirred in his sleep. He wasn't sure what to do, he didn't want to wake him, and leave him stuck in whatever memory was flooding his dreams, but he hated seeing his brother suffer the way he was.
He had started understanding what was happening, he just wasn't sure why, or how to fix it. From what he had found out, the original family who lived in the house, dabbled in witchcraft. They were huge users of the Ouija board, believing that using black magic they could control the spirits that they contacted through the board.
That explained the weird, unknown, entity they encountered in the home. It was probably something that had been brought from another place, created by dark magic. It possibly was a one of a kind. Somehow, it had gotten to his brother, but he wasn't sure how. He knew it wasn't from just a simple attack, because it had attacked Sam too, but Sam was able to kill it before it got it's hands on him.
That was his first clue it wasn't your average ghost, ghosts required their bones, or remains, to be salted and burned, this thing was shot, and exploded like a stick of dynamite. But, how was it able to get to Dean like it had? He figured, it probably had something to do with the pressure in his chest and the pain that filled his lungs. Dean kept saying it felt like someone had reached inside his chest and squeezed his heart, maybe it had? Maybe that's how it got to him? How it changed him.
Dean didn't remember anything from the rest of the night. When he woke up he was inside of the impala. They had left the motel. They had left Jacob, for that he was glad, he didn't want to see him again, ever.
"You awake over there?"
"Yes sir."
"Good, we need to talk about something."
Dean squirmed in his seat, uncomfortably, nervousness setting in. "yes sir?"
"I need you to understand, you're a grown boy now, and I can't always be around to make sure you're doing what you're supposed to do. I can't always keep up your training. You showed weakness last night, when you didn't keep standing on your feet, you need to strengthen up, boy, you have to be stronger than that."
"Yes sir."
"Look, just because I'm not around, that's no excuse, that doesn't mean your training ends, that doesn't mean you get to take a break."
Dean gave his dad a confused look. "Okay, I'm not sure I understand."
"The training I've put you through, the things I've done, you have to keep it up, you have to continue it, to keep yourself strong, even when I'm not around."
"How?"
"There's a few ways. Here, take, this knife."
John handed his son the knife and Dean held it in his hands.
"Take one of your shoes and sock off."
Again, Dean did as he was told.
"Now, slice it down the bottom of your foot."
"But, Dad…"
"Don't disobey, boy! I said cut the bottom of your foot!"
Dean did as he was told, wincing at the pain.
"Good, now, you do that, in places no one can see. You make sure no one knows, the pain you feel, it will help keep you strong, help keep you were you need to be."
"Yes sir." Dean's voice was shaking as he put a napkin against the cut and put his sock and shoe back on.
"Next time, I expect it to be deeper."
"Yes sir."
"Here."
John handed Dean a weird looking rubber thing, and he gave his dad a confused look.
"It's a butt plug, boy. You need to use it. It's going to hurt, at first, it will hurt a lot, you'll get used to it, then when you do, we can get you a bigger one."
"Whh…why? What do I do with it?"
"You put it in your butt, why do you think that's what it's called?"
"I don't want to."
"Did I ask you what you wanted?"
"No sir."
"Do it! NOW! Get on the floor, pull your pants down, put your body on the seat and keep your knees on the floor."
Dean was shaking and scared, but did what he was told.
"Now, put it inside."
Dean tried, but started crying that it hurt too much. That got him a slap to the back of the head.
"Damn it! Boy, how fucking weak are you? Fine, in the glove box is some lubricant, use it! Put it on the plug. I don't expect you to have to use that every time, do you understand me?"
"Yes sir." Dean did as he was instructed and let out a cry of pain when he finally got it inserted. He didn't mean to, but he let tears escape his eyes. "It hurts, Daddy! It really, really hurts."
"I told you it would, just leave it alone, stay like that until I tell you different."
"Yes sir."
Dean was suffering. He was hurting. His head hurt, his entire body hurt, and now this. It was more than he wanted to handle at the moment. His body had started shaking, uncontrollably. Tears, streaming down his face, he bit down on his fist to block the auditable cries of pain.
"DEAN! DEAN! Come on bro, wake up" Sam gently shook his brother awake.
Dean jumped awake and flung himself away from his brother. His eyes were wide and wild looking. He was full of fear.
"I'm sorry, Dean, I'm sorry. It's me, Sammy, it's okay, you're okay. I had to wake you up, I'm sorry. Your dreams, or nightmares, they were getting too bad."
"Sammy?"
"Yeah, yeah, it's me, you're okay."
"I… I don't know… It hurt! It hurt so bad, I'm scared, I don't wanna do it again, please don't make me."
Sam scooted toward his brother, wrapping him in his arms, hold him tight. "I'm not going to hurt you, remember me telling you that?"
Dean nodded his head.
"Okay, good, and I'm not going to make you hurt yourself either, that's over with, got it?"
Again, Dean nodded his head.
"I need you to talk to me, Dean, I need to understand where your memories are at."
"I… I don't want to."
"I know, it's probably hard, but I need to know."
"It was… Jacob… he was mean and made Dad mean too, and then Dad, he told me I had to hurt myself, and it hurt, bad, and I don't want to do it again."
Sam understood, he knew exactly what Dean was referring to. "Okay, it's okay. I know what you're talking about, it's okay."
"You do?"
"Yeah, I know a lot, remember?"
"Yeah."
"So, that makes you, what? 12?"
"I think so, but, I'll be a teenager soon!" Dean sounded happy about that thought and made Sam chuckle a little at him.
"I don't know how this works, are you hurting now?"
"I… I don't know… Yeah, I guess, but it's not as bad, I don't feel it inside me anymore, but it feels like… like it was there."
Sam nodded his head. "Okay, good, as long as it's not bad. How does your heart and lungs feel?"
"Better, I only feel a little pressure on my heart, and I feel like I can breathe a little better."
"Okay, good. So, you good now? You okay?"
"I guess."
"If not, I need to know, Dean. I gotta take care of you, remember?"
"Yeah, I know, but… I just… I don't like what just happened."
"I know you don't, I don't like it either. I wish you didn't have to go through that."
"I don't really understand it. I know I should, hell, I'm almost a teenager, but, Sam, I don't understand what happened."
"You will, man, you will, give it time."
Sam was not prepared to have the sex talk with his brother. And he wasn't sure how to explain the whole self-injury thing that he knew his dad put him through.
"Hey, it's getting late in the morning, it's almost afternoon, you hungry?"
"Yeah."
"What do you say we go and get something to eat then?"
"Sounds good to me, but, can I shower first?"
"Yeah, of course."
Dean went and showered and Sam sat and thought about the memories his brother just experienced. He didn't know if he was ready to deal with his brother's memories. He was concerned about what they would be facing while he 'grew up'. "Two years" he thought to himself, "He keeps aging two years at a time". He made a mental note of it, something else to add to the puzzle in front of him.
Dean came back into the room, clean and dressed. "Hey, Sammy?"
"Yeah?"
"Uh, dude, I don't know how to shave."
Sam chuckled again. He was finding this kind of interesting, in a weird way. "Come on, I'll show you. We don't use razors, we use an electric shaver, so it's not that hard."
After he had learned how to use the shaver, and finished taking care of the growing stubble on his face, with all of his 12 year old innocence he asked, "Hey, Sammy, if we don't use razors, then what am I supposed to use to cut myself with?"
"DEAN!" Sam sounded a bit more harsh than he meant to, it was really just out of shock. "Dean, you don't! Remember? I told you that's done, you don't do that anymore, you don't hurt yourself."
"Oh, right, okay."
"You sure you got it? You understand?"
"Yeah, no hurting myself, got it!"
"Okay, good. You remember, you gotta play make believe, act like an adult while we're out?"
"Yes! I remember."
Sam nodded his head.
"Hey, Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think people will know?"
"Know what?"
"Know what just happened to me, and… and what I did to myself?"
Sam sat back on the bed. "Dean, look…"
Dean sat beside him.
"You have to remember, it didn't just happen, you just now remembered it, that's all, it happened a long time ago, so no, no one will know, and you don't hurt yourself anymore either, so no one will know about that either. It's done, you don't have to worry about it, no one knows what happened, and it's not going to happen again."
"Okay, good, but that's still really confusing."
Sam gave Dean a smile. "Yeah, it is."
"Hey, Sam, is the reason it's done, and won't happen again, because Dad is gone?"
"Partly, yes, and partly because you're grown up now, or at least you were, and as you grow up and get older you realize, Dad was wrong, you don't have to hurt yourself, it's actually not a good thing, and it doesn't help your training. There's no way destroying yourself helps hunting."
"Then why did he tell me it would? Why did I have to do it? It hurt."
"Because, Dad thought it would, but, he was wrong."
"Dad was wrong?"
"Yeah, kiddo, Dad was wrong. Now, how about that food? You still remember how to drive?"
"Hell yeah I can drive!"
Sam gave Dean another smile, and they made their way out to the car and headed to get some food.
"Sam."
"Yeah?"
"I'm scared."
"Of?"
"This, whatever this is, whatever is going on, with me, it scares me."
"Yeah, it scares me too."
"When will it be over? When will I be back to the person I'm supposed to be?"
"I don't know, Dean, I wish I did, but I don't. I'm trying to figure that out."
"I trust you."
"I'm glad, Dean, I wouldn't do anything that's going to put you in danger, we'll figure this out, okay? And I'll keep you safe until we do."
"Okay, thanks."
"You're welcome." Sam said with a grin. Then he began to explain everything he knew to Dean. He knew by this age, Dean had been a regular hunter and understood a lot more than he did the day before, he thought maybe he could actually use Dean's help to figure this out.
Dean felt like he was grown, even though he knew he wasn't but was supposed to be, but he felt like a grown 12 year old. His brother was asking for his help, he was involving him with the mystery. Dean liked that. He liked feeling useful. He liked being treated like he actually knew what he was doing, because he did, he knew what he was doing, he was smarter than Dad said he was. Dad made everyone believe he was dumb, but he wasn't. He was just as smart as everyone else.
"Maybe we should go back?" Dean suggested.
"What?"
"Maybe we should go back, back to where all of this happened. If our original idea was to go there in the first place, to see if we could figure things out, then maybe we should keep with our original idea? Maybe there's clues somewhere that we missed, you said we were both injured by this thing, right? Well, maybe it was keeping us from finding what we needed to find, and now that you've killed it, we'll be able to find the missing piece to the puzzle."
"Oh my god! Dean! You're genius!"
Dean just grinned, from ear to ear. "I know."
"Jerk."
"Bitch."
"We have to be prepared this time. The last time, we got stuck in the cold for way too long, both of us with injuries. So, we'll make sure we pack the blankets and pillows from the motel, and carry more weapons with us, also, since we know we are dealing with dark magic, we have things that can ward it off, keep it from getting to us, like it did you, last time."
"Hmph, why didn't we use them last time?"
"Because we didn't know, wise guy." Sam rolled his eyes, he wasn't sure if pre-teen Dean was better or worse than the annoying 8 year old Dean.
They gathered the items they needed, and made sure to pack some water and food incase they got stuck there again. Sam wasn't sure how he would make this work with his leg, but he didn't have much of a choice, not if he wanted to help his brother.
He gave Dean the directions and he drove as close to the house as he could get, much closer than he had the last time. Sam figured pre-teen Dean had less concern for damaging his baby than grown Dean did. He wasn't going to complain, it made it easier on him with his broken leg.
They got out of the car and Dean went to the trunk to retrieve the bags they had packed for their adventure. He stood with the bags over his shoulder, the trunk still opened, and he was silent, and still.
"Dean?"
"Shhh."
"Dean?"
"You sure it's safe? You sure you killed the thing?"
"I'm not ever sure of anything, and when could we honestly say anything in this job is safe?"
"Listen."
"I don't hear anything."
"Exactly! Sam, there's no sounds, no birds, or insects, or frogs, nothing from nature, at all."
Sam couldn't believe he hadn't noticed. He was thankful Dean's hunting skills were kicking in. "Means there's something evil around here."
"Yup, and I'm gonna guess it's inside of that house."
"Yeah, you're probably right. Keep your guard up!"
"Will do!"
"Hey, Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"You sure you're good with this?"
"Dude, my mind may not match my body, but I've been hunting, several times, I think I know what I'm doing here."
"Okay, just making sure."
"You sure you're good with it?"
"Me? yeah! I've learned from the best." Sam nudged his brother, letting him know he was talking about him.
"Dad's the greatest."
"What? No way, dude! You're way better than he ever was!"
"Seriously?"
"Hell yeah, and I'm not just saying that because you're my big, little brother."
"Man, shut up!"
Sam couldn't help but laugh at his brother as they entered the house.
The house was the same as the way they had left it. The broken stair served as a painful reminder to Sam on how he broke his leg. The wall that Dean was thrown into still laying on the ground where he had found his big brother, unconscious.
"Do you remember anything?" Sam asked Dean, hoping maybe a memory would be jarred after returning to the house.
"No, I don't remember being here." Dean replied. "How about we start upstairs."
"Okay, sounds good to me, and hey, Dean. We need to stay together, okay? We don't know if there's any other baddies in here."
"Got it! Besides, I don't think you're in any shape to be investigating by yourself." Dean looked down at Sam's leg, then back up at this brother.
"Yeah, gotta agree with you there."
The brothers made their way upstairs, first. They searched every corner in the empty room, and started going through the boxes of belongings in the storage room.
"Hey, Sammy?"
"Yeah?"
"Ever wish you were able to have toys like this when you were younger?"
Sam smiled slightly. "Yeah, ever wish we had a house like this? Someplace to call home?"
"Yeah, we had that once, until, well, until Mom."
"I was too young, I don't remember it."
"Yeah, but I do. I wish it could have stayed the same. I wish, somehow, we really could go back in time, like I have in my mind, and change everything."
"Yeah, me too. What would you change?"
"I would… I would give you a home, and a normal childhood, I would keep you from finding out about what Dad did, about monsters and all the things that cause you nightmares."
"You wouldn't bring Mom back?"
"Sam, I spent so many years thinking I did something wrong, that I made Mom leave. I've spent my entire life following orders, doing everything I was told to do, taking care of everything and everyone that I needed to. I thought if I was good enough, Mom would come back. I thought she left because she didn't love me anymore. Honestly, I guess I've gotten used to the fact that she's not coming back, that nothing I can do will bring her home. I just wish you could have had a normal childhood, well what I can remember of it anyhow, and if that means that we had a mom, then I'd be okay with that too…. What would you change?"
"I think, if Mom was alive, everything would be different. I would change the fact that she died, but not because I want a mom so badly, I don't really know what its like to have a mom. I would want her back because she would protect you, she would keep you safe and wouldn't let Dad hurt you like he did."
"Sam, I'm okay. It's really not that bad. What Dad does, it isn't as bad as it could be."
"Hey, Dean."
"Yeah?"
"I know you don't remember everything, but I just want you to know that you're one hell of a brother and one hell of a man. You're the strongest person I know. Even stronger than Dad. You're one hell of a hunter and an even better big brother!"
"Better than Dad?"
"Yeah, better than Dad, and stronger too."
Dean gave Sam a smile. "Thanks."
Sam nodded. "Hey, I don't see anything here, do you?"
"No, wanna head downstairs?"
"Yeah, just be careful, okay. Those stairs aren't stable."
"You've already told me that, when we used them to come upstairs, remember?"
"Yeah, sorry, just making sure."
"And here it is, I thought I was the one who had lost my memory."
"Dude, have you always been full of sarcastic comments?"
"Uh… I guess so, I am who I am, bitch."
"Jerk."
The brothers made it downstairs, and started making their way through the house.
"Hey, Sam, where did you say I got knocked out at?"
"Over here." Sam and Dean went to the wall that had been brought down by Dean's body.
"Son of a bitch! I went through that?"
Sam let out a small laugh. "Yeah man, like I said, strong."
"Okay, so if something threw me into this wall then I…." Dean looked around the hallway. "I'd say maybe I came from that direction?"
He pointed at the door to the room where he was thrown from. "So, if I'm as good as you say, I'd say I went through everything up to this point pretty damn good, at least that's what I would have done, now, so if I was an even better hunter, than I'm sure there's nothing I missed, so I say we start in that room."
Sam stood with his mouth half opened. "Damn! It wasn't a lie, you're a natural at this!"
"And you're not?"
"NO WAY! Man, I had to learn it as we went along, everything I know about hunting is because you taught me."
"Really?"
"Yeah, man, I'm much more efficient at the researching part of things."
Dean just nodded his head as they made their way into the room and started looking through the belongings that were left there.
"Hey, Dean, I was just wondering, if you're so damn good at this, if it comes natural to you, then why did Dad think he needed to train you so hard? Why did he feel like he needed to push you so much?"
Dean paused, looking at his brother, puzzled. "I… I don't know. To make me even better? I don't know Sam, I don't question, I just follow orders."
"Right, you've always been good at that too, naturally Dad's good little soldier."
Dean glanced at Sam, confused and hurt by that comment. "Is that what you think?"
Sam had forgotten that he was talking to preteen Dean, he wasn't sure how to respond, it was just his luck, he had found something of interest.
"Hey, Dean, what do you think of this?" He asked, holding up an old looking Ouija board.
"Hmmm, I bet that's the one they used to bring these bastards here."
The day was getting late, it had started getting dark in the house.
"Hey, Dean, it's getting kind of late, and from the looks of it, this place is empty. How about we catch some shut eye and finish this tomorrow? We don't wanna conjure up any ugglies when we're facing the dark."
"Yeah, sure, if that's what you want to do."
Dean retrieved the bags they had brought with them, deciding the place that appeared to have the best shelter from the cold was the room that once belonged to the family's daughter. He laid out the bedding they had packed, and he and Sam settled under the covers.
They had decided it best to sleep together, using the extra cover on top of them and using each other's body heat to keep warm. By the time they had everything settled darkness had taken over, leaving the beams from their flashlights as their only line of sight.
"Hey, Sammy."
"Yeah?"
"I… I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"Going to sleep."
"Why?"
"Because, I don't want to remember anymore. I… I don't know what the next stage in my life holds, and it scares me."
"Hey, it'll be okay, I promise, okay? Look, you've made it through once, you'll be able to do it again, and this time, you'll have me here to help. Instead of being a pain in your ass."
Dean gave a smile that looked like he wanted to cry instead. "Yeah, okay. Night Sammy."
"Night Dean. Love you, bud."
"Love you too."
