Chapter 9

Silence ensued for the next few minutes but despite her discomfort, Kara cannot bring herself to break Lee's revelry. When he finally speaks, she can't help but think that the continued silence would have been easier to endure.

"Zach wanted to be me? And you wanted him to succeed?"

His blue eyes pierce her carefully arranged defenses, slipping past and beneath her skin effortlessly. She nods in confirmation. His questions are leading them down a path they've struggled their entire relationship to avoid. Hell, they usually pretend that road doesn't even exist.

"Zach assumed that meant you really wanted to be with…"

"Let's not sully Zach's memory further by pretending that revelation was some kind of misunderstanding."

Lee looks at the floor disgusted with himself. He's always hoped, but never believed that Kara could feel this for him. In all those dreams, the attraction between them was something pure, but in reality it only seems to produce pain.

"Do you know what made me fall in love with Zach?" Lee's silent stare is her only response, "Zach was a screw-up…like me. He would have been my friend and nothing more, except that one night, he talked to me about his dreams and his ideals. That night I fell in love with the man Zach wanted to be. Little did I know that such a man already existed?"

A fresh wave of guilt surges in Lee's heart and he lets out a hollow chuckle at the irony, "We always want to be someone other than ourselves, don't we?" He pauses a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose, before looking at her again, "I wanted to be Zach."

"Why?"

"That's the wrong question."

"So what's the right one?" When he looks at her, his face displays a mixture of longing and sadness that spiral together as though lifting a mirror to her own heart.

"I'm horrible bother and a right bastard…I was a horrible brother" Lee amends with bitterness.

"Lee?"

"When?" He exhales the stagnant air from the hollows of his chest where the secret behind that word was buried. Her brow is crinkled in confusion, but her face is intent. "I wanted to be Zach, the moment I first met you."

She can't help but smile a little at the absurdity of their history. "It all went downhill from day one for us, didn't it?"

"I'd say that day was the turning point for all of us."

Kara exhales slowly, "Yeah." Her next questions is tentative, "Where do we go from here?"

"We go to the Rising Star."

There's a steely conviction to his voice that causes an irrational fear to flare within her. Memories of her mother's drunken episodes assault her mind, "I don't know if I can…what right do I have…" she corrects herself, "do we have to…"

Lee can feel the panic radiating off her and he reacts instinctually, derailing her rant and dispelling her fear with a soft kiss. She hesitates only a moment before acquiescing to the comfort and strength that he's offering. "We didn't make Hannah, but we created the situation that brought her into this world. I know you're scared, Kara…frak…I'm scared shitless myself. But if nothing else, we owe it to Zach to see that his daughter has a loving family."

She kisses him soundly, in affirmation, but there's a small sad smile on her lips when they part.

"I'm not oblivious to the dual meaning of the original question, either Kara." Her smile becomes genuine at that, "I'm just not sure where we go from here. I know that I love you. I know that denying that fact and trying to hide it, has only brought disaster on us."

"You know, there were times I was convinced that the Gods were frakking with me…punishing me because I was screw-up…just like Mom said. I can't promise to let go of all the guilt I have about Zach, but I won't continue to use it as an excuse to run from the gift the Gods have given me." Lee's arms embrace her in a tight hug and she tucks her head against his neck, whispering in his ear, "Today I stop punishing myself for loving you."

A/N: I know...I'm getting sappy! Next we get a little Adama/Roslin convo and Lee/Kara meeting Hannah. One more chapter to go. Hope you're enjoying...but I'll never know unless you review ;-) Thanks for reading.