I made up a last name for Seto and Mokuba (from before they became Kaibas). It's not the one they'd have canonically, though, since I made it up based on what rhymed with the previous line (it's revealed in a song). This is also where the Eliteshipping comes in.
A short explanation: I realize that the original scene from the movie was very serious and sexual attacks are horrible. My intentions are not to make light of Satine's situation. That's why I wrote the Duke in this story doing something different than the one in the movie. I was only trying to keep the tone of the story relatively light (in regards to Joey and Tristan, anyway). Also, I actually like the characters and wouldn't want to write them into that sort of situation.
Note on the Spanish lyrics: "Tú no puedes rozartelo" means "You can't touch him." "Por un segundo" means "for a second." At least, as far as I can remember from my seven years of Spanish.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, its Abridged Series, Moulin Rouge, or any of the songs parodied in this story.
(1) This part is to the tune of "The Sign" by Ace of Base. So are the chunks starting with, "I think you'll find" and "You're out of line."
(2) The song Kaiba is singing is to the tune of "Judas" by Lady Gaga. This isn't that important, I just thought it might be funny, so I left it in.
(3) The rest of "Josephino" is to the tune of "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga.
(4) Duke's "sexy dance" lyrics are to the tune of "Don't Turn Around" by Ace of Base.
(5) To the tune of "All the Right Moves" by One Republic.
(6) To the tune of "Right Through Me" by Nicki Minaj. The parody of this doesn't correspond to any of the songs in the movie.
-O-o-O-o-O-
While the Black Dragon crew was cleaning up for the night, Tristan hit his head against the wall.
"Angst, angst, angst," he muttered as his hair-spike made an imprint in the plaster. On a particularly energetic bang, the spike stuck in the wall. Tristan shoved against the wall to detach himself and ended up pushing himself back away from the wall. He rolled into a darkened corner and continued to wallow in self-pity, despair, and general broken-hearted emoness.
Then damn Kaiba walked by.
Kaiba stopped in front of Tristan, who sat against the wall, his legs drawn up against his chest. He sneered down at Tristan. "Quit crying over him. You know it's best for all of us, so get over yourself."
Tristan couldn't stop himself. He sprung up and slammed Kaiba against the wall, then shoved him to the ground. Though Kaiba landed on his well padded behind, his fall looked rehearsed. Tristan figured someone like Kaiba would have to learn how to fall.
"Don't be a little bitch." In seconds, Kaiba was on his feet, giving Tristan a crooked smirk paired with lowered lids. "If you really want your happy ending, I could offer you a real good price."
Tristan recoiled. "Christ, how desperate are you, Kaiba?"
Kaiba's smirk widened. "How desperate are you?" He moved closer. "Wouldja like me ta shuffle your deck?" he asked, putting on a Brooklyn accent.
Tristan hurled himself at Kaiba. Unlike before, Kaiba fought back. The two rolled around, knocking over chairs and hitting each other until Yami pulled them apart. Kaiba walked away, muttering, "Wasn't worth the energy anyway." Yami sat on Tristan until he was sure Tristan had calmed down.
"Someone told me that love is like playing card games," Yami began. "I hope you used protection, both on the field and off because nearly everyone here is an experienced duelist, especially Joey."
Tristan put his head on the ground. "I shielded my naughty parts. But I neglected my heart…points."
Yami pulled out the world's smallest violin and began to play the intro to the world's saddest dance pop song.
"I know you're both in love, and not just with the cards, but you just can't be this way anymore…With Josephino," he breathed.
An upbeat burst of electronic music swept through the hall. Yami and the rest of the Black Dragon crew gathered behind him and began to strike authoritative poses in rhythm. They calmed down as Yami broke into verse:
"You can't reach him, but you want him
He's a shiny thing put out of reach of you.
Tú no puedes rozartelo.
He's got a force field put in place, built by the Duke."
Tristan turned away from the spectacle and continued:
"His hands on your underwear.
This is more than I can bear.
Perfume drips with every grope,
Use lots of soap.
Drives me insane, up in my brain,
Josephino!"
"It's just a phase." Kaiba gave a dismissive wave.
"It's not a phase,
Seto Kaiba!" Tristan readied himself for an attack, but was restrained by Yami.
"Get over it! Duke's crazy lust
Will keep us all from going bust," Kaiba retorted.
"This gravy train, it gives me pain
Like Rambo." Tristan clutched his head.
"I must opine; I think that Duke has simply crossed the line." Yugi mused.
"Deal notwithstanding, I find him demanding." Bakura stroked a white tendril of hair as he agreed.
"Let's not malign the only one who has our checks to sign.
Everybody just man up, and nothing about this could go wrong." Kaiba commanded. (1)
At the FracDonalds tower, the F-shaped lights outside the window brought out the gold in Joey's hair. Duke slid his hands down Joey's green spandex-hugged legs.
"I can give you a gaming revolution that'll rock your underworld," Duke purred.
"What about da endin'?" Joey moved closer to Duke.
Duke chuckled. "As your employer would say…" Duke lowered his voice to a throaty growl. "'Let them have their hocus-pocus ending.'" A limp clump of black hair fell in front of Duke's face. "After I get back from the bathroom," he said, rising, "we'll get down to it. And by it, I mean our underwear."
At the Black Dragon, the dance continued.
"Jealousy. It drives you mad. Don't surrender. Don't be a cad," Yami chanted as the crowd writhed to the music. He hopped off the stage and sank his vocal folds into the second verse:
"He sells himself, but, oh, just maybe
He's not the only one." Yami nodded towards Kaiba.
"You'd better run," Téa advised, seeing Kaiba creep up behind Yami.
"Keith was worthy, unlike some others.
In a duel, he never quit 'til he was done," Kaiba countered.
"I bet Duke just can't avoid a
Massive case of schaudenfreude
Over all the duelists who
Said dice games blew." Bakura pondered.
Tristan threw open the doors of the theater. Everyone who wasn't watching Kaiba and Yami's fight marched behind Tristan as he sang:
"I can't refrain; it's all in vain.
Josephino!
You light my flame, we love card games
And the tango…"
"I'm gonna whip your Pharaoh butt
Just like I did with that mutt!" Kaiba had Yami pinned to the floor in the foyer.
"You're so deranged, I like this change!
Oh, Seto!" Yami pretended to swoon at Kaiba's unintended kinky speech. He was soon pummeled.
"I think you'll find that everyone I know has lost their mind." Yugi sang, twirling both index fingers around his ears.
"I am commanding!" Kaiba pimp-slapped Yami.
"Like watching a crash landing." Yugi pulled out a box of popcorn and munched away.
"He shall be mine. " Duke fluffed his ponytail in the tower's bathroom.
"I can't stop laughin' at his pick-up lines!
Crap, I betta just shut up, pretend dat he's suave, and play along." Joey smoothed his hair down as Duke reentered the room and the music temporarily faded out.
"So, about dat revolution?" Joey asked.
Duke grinned. "How do you feel about dice games on motorcycles?"
Joey blinked. Outside the window, he could hear the faint echo of Kaiba's voice singing, "Why must I always duel with superstitious fools? I'm shifting cards with Yugi daily." (2)
"I don't know how well dat'd catch on." Joey looked out the window. Where was that faint strain of techno coming from? And why did it seem to fade out as Kaiba shut the door of the tower behind him?
Tristan, on his way home, stopped under the FracDonalds Tower and by some strange coincidence, ended up under the very same window from which Joey peered absently.
"All game," he intoned wistfully.
Joey's scanned the streets for the familiar phrase. His eyes lit up like the golden F outside the window when they fell on Tristan.
Tristan shook his head. He had to man up, keep calm and carry on. "This whole campaign is acid rain, eating my soul."
Duke looked up. Joey had been looking away from him for a little longer than he liked. Duke followed Joey's line of sight and saw Tristan sigh and trudge down the street. A black cloud followed him, snowing on his head. Duke narrowed his eyes.
"So it's like that, huh?"
Joey spun around to see Duke glowering at him. The music started up again and Duke challenged him:
"Care to explain this writer-bane?"
"I can answer…" Joey started.
"The greatest mage could not assuage
This new anger.
This mounting rage…I've lost my sage..." Duke shoved Joey into a chair and bound him to it in seconds.
"Crap, I'm anchored." Joey sang, wondering how Duke could tie him to his chair so quickly.
"Try not to look so damn nonplussed, Josephino." Duke caressed Joey's face before flicking his nose.
"It's not dat way!" Joey argued.
"It's not okay!" Duke mussed his perfectly coiffed hair.
"You're a psycho.
Oh, can't you feign you're not insane?
Por un segundo?" Joey pleaded.
"You took the piss and killed my trust,
Why don't I test your Brooklyn lust?" Duke whipped off his pants to reveal a dice-patterned banana hammock.
"Dere's no escape! Is dis duct tape
And a hemp rope?" Joey examined his bonds as best he could. (3)
Duke brought out a boom box from under the seat. "Now, you will sit here and you will watch this special sexy dance I have composed for you. And you will stay until the end, and you will clap."
Joey watched in horror as Duke pressed play on the boom box and began to thrust his crotch and sing:
"Don't look away, or you're gonna miss my dance break, yeah.
Just keep your seat, do you wanna see me look fly?" (4)
Duke continued to twist and grind against an invisible partner with his hands behind his head. Joey screamed silently, fighting against his bonds.
"Screw dis date, he has no rhythm!" Joey gasped, squirming in his seat. He managed to tip the chair over on its side so he could, unfortunately, still see Duke's dance. He shut his eyes upon realizing that Duke was too wrapped up in himself to notice his escape attempts.
"This is ridiculous." Something hit Duke's nose with a smack. Joey stopped his blind struggling and he and Duke looked up to see Noah brandishing a rolled up newspaper. Noah twirled the roll and Duke shortly got served:
"You're out of line; I swear to god, you've gone and lost your mind.
Look at that prancing—you call that romancing?
Dude, are you blind? You dance like your vertebrae are not aligned!
Now you better just sit down or you'll fall on your ass and land all wrong."
The music ended as soon as Noah finished singing. As usual, nobody paid any attention or particularly cared that it wasn't going to start up again for a while.
"Seriously. What were you even doing?" Noah tapped his foot.
Duke pouted. "But it's my party-"
"And you have an important meeting to attend tomorrow." Noah pointed out the door. "Or do you want to oversleep and not have time to fix your hair?"
Duke shuffled out of the room and kicked the door closed behind him.
Noah untied Joey and removed the duct tape. "I apologize sincerely. He's usually not so…No, he's exactly like this. Even when he's sleeping."
Joey shook off the ropes and got up. "Thanks." He headed for the door, paused, and looked back. "How'd you end up with such a lousy job?"
Noah shrugged. "Just lucky. I've had worse."
"Okay, well, I should probably be escaping now." Joey exited the room, almost running into Kaiba on the way out.
"Did you get the job done?" Kaiba asked, putting his hand on the doorknob and blocking Joey.
"Well, kinda…" Joey stalled.
Kaiba stared him down. "You messed it up, didn't you?"
"It wasn't my fault!"
"He's right," Noah confirmed. "He did what Duke wanted. I had to step in because it got out of hand. Duke will get over it."
Kaiba's mouth tightened. "Just in case he doesn't, tell Mokuba I'm going to be out late tonight. I need to do damage control."
Noah snorted. "Sure. You're going to do Keith."
Joey left the tower with a rather unpleasant image in his head.
-O-o-O-
Bakura sat in the mansion's mirrored den. He tried to ignore the fuzzy zebra print chair tickling his legs. Duke swiveled his own chair around to face Bakura, who mentally thanked whatever deity existed for Duke's clothed state.
"What happened tonight was inexcusable." Duke leaned forward. "I can't let it go unpunished."
"What do you mean by that?" Bakura eyed Duke warily.
The room grew darker as Duke smirked. He knew installing that facial expression-activated dimmer was worth the money.
Minutes later, Bakura fled to the apartment block. He spotted a blond head peaking out from over the railing on the roof. He quickened his pace; he didn't know where Tristan was, but he could at least tell Joey that his suitor was certifiably insane.
Joey was sitting on the toilet, zoning out when Bakura reached the roof. "Joey, I have some bad news," Bakura started. "Joey?"
"Kaiba…Bandit Keith…Horrors…"
"Joey, snap out of it, Duke's going to kill Tristan!"
Joey twitched. "What? Why?"
"This play is threatening his status as the Duke. Also, he's sort of jealous of Tristan's relationship with you. He wants his new ending or else Tristan will meet his, and it won't be a happy one."
"But dat's stupid. Why would he kill him ova a play's endin'?"
Bakura sighed heavily. "Because dice games are serious business."
Joey fiddled with the flush handle on the toilet. "I guess you have a point."
"You have to end it with Tristan, for real this time. Especially since you're dying."
Joey's head snapped up. "What? Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure I could duel-er, roll dice, or whateva dey do now to get out."
Bakura blinked. "Um, Joey, you're not going to the Shadow Realm. You're actually going to die."
"Come again?"
"You have tuberculosis."
Joey's eyes widened. "Oh. Crap."
"Maybe if you pretend you don't love him, it'll hurt him less," Bakura suggested.
Joey looked at him sideways. "Are you taking your emotional cues from Kaiba?"
"You seem to be taking dying forever surprisingly well."
The color drained from Joey's face. The surrounding scenery went blue. "Oh, god! I'm actually dyin'! I can't believe it! Even though I'm faintin' and coughin' up blood all da time!" Running black mascara spontaneously appeared his face. "Who'd a thunk it? Me? Da main character in dis trip of a plot?"
"Actually, that would be Tristan," Bakura muttered.
Joey ignored him and sank into a heap in front of the toilet. He lifted his head. The black eyeliner had disappeared, and so had the melodramatic display. Bakura put on a grave face and knelt beside him.
"I'm not ready to die," Joey whispered. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "But if I have to, I'm gonna go out fighting." He looked at Bakura. "We're endin' it our way and if Duke doesn't like it, he can screw himself because we have a revolution."
"But what about Tristan?" Bakura asked.
"I'll find a way to keep him alive. I'll make sure he's very far away from da Black Dragon Theater on opening night." Joey sighed. "Even if it's da last time I'll eva see him."
"I have my own plans to keep Duke from finding out about the revolution." Bakura stroked his giant hoop earring. "It'll be like playing with a weighed die."
Joey wasn't sure he liked the shadow cast over Bakura's face when he said that. "And if he somehow finds out?"
"We're dead."
They listened to the cats fighting in the alley below.
"All da right cards in all da right combos..." Joey started a melody.
"Yet we spiral down." Bakura finished. (5)
The toilet flushed in agreement.
-O-o-O-
The ceiling of Keith's trailer was a familiar sight to Kaiba. So was the battered bed, conveniently surrounded by a fridge, table with a phone, table with magazines (mostly dirty), television, and microwave. It was almost comfortable, if they both forgot the state of the world and their current situations.
Keith rolled off of Kaiba, wiping his brow. His leg knocked the near-empty bottle of lube off the bed. "You really aren't like the others."
Kaiba propped himself up on his elbows. "You don't say." He brushed a sweaty clump of hair out of his eyes. "And who are these others?"
Keith gave a short laugh. "Just your average common whores."
Kaiba sat up and searched through the covers for his black shirt. "I've seen the type."
"I'm sure you have." Keith grabbed two beers from the fridge. "And I'm not just talking about those new bits." He nodded toward Kaiba's new parts, given to him by the aliens a few months ago. Kaiba pulled the sheets over his lower half and continued to look for his shirt. "This time was different from all the other ones," Keith continued.
Kaiba looked up from the space under the bed. "How was this different?"
"You didn't fake it this time."
Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "And you would know this, how?"
Keith shot him a lazy half smile. "You always touch your forearm when it's real." The smile broadened. "Like you're drawing a card."
Kaiba pulled on his shirt. "It's just another duel." He stood on the bed and grabbed his underwear from the unused lighting fixture.
"Who would you say was the winner?" Keith took a drink of his beer.
Kaiba sat down on the bed. "It's pretty obvious." He looked up at the clock. "No time for a rematch."
Keith looked over at Kaiba. "Leavin' already?"
Kaiba was genuinely confused. "Why drag it out?"
Keith looked over at the fridge. "I figured you'd stick around for a while, like you used to."
"Mokuba's getting nervous about where I go at night." He started to get up, but felt Keith's hand on his shoulder.
"Please."
Kaiba stared. Keith was being polite; this must be serious.
"I thought we weren't going to get attached. Wasn't that the deal?" Kaiba muttered, not exactly fighting hard against Keith's hands on his shoulders.
"Kind of hard not to get attached when you're paying the same person for sex." Keith was giving Kaiba a long, hard look and he wasn't sure he liked it.
Kaiba jerked away from Keith's hold. "I get it. You get off on playing Captain-save-a-ho. Well, you can stop it. I'm not one of those pathetic people."
"Can it. I don't need to hear another rant on how you can take care of yourself." Keith scratched his head. "I mean, what are you doing, really?"
"What does it look like? I'm making some extra money so I can care for my brother and salvage my company."
"But like this? You're Seto fucking Kaiba. Why are you whoring yourself out?"
"Do you see me prancing around Chess Avenue? I'm not whoring."
Keith tittered. "Last time I checked, having sex with people for money is whoring."
"It's not always sex."
Keith was startled by Kaiba's suddenly quiet voice. "Oh?"
"Sometimes I fix their computers—those of them that have one. Sometimes, they want a duel. Sometimes…" he trailed off. "Well, you're not stupid; you can figure it out."
"No, I don't think I can. There are seriously sick people out there; I'm pretty sure you know that. How do you know someone's not gonna cut you up and stuff you in their fridge?"
"Ha! Most of my usual customers can't afford a fridge."
"I'm serious, Kaiba. You could end up like a hooker in Grand Theft Auto."
"Those hookers didn't have their own crowbars."
"What about when you can't fight back? Like, if someone stabs you with a syringe or chloroforms you?"
Kaiba stared back at Keith with an empty expression. Just as quickly, it turned to derision. "What the hell is this, twenty questions? Why do you care if I walk out of here and get my kidneys stolen? Why do you even care about me?" he shouted.
"Because you remind me way the fuck too much of myself!" Keith yelled back. "You think having another burnt-out, ex-champion duelist screwing everything in sight, wasting his life over dueling is really gonna help anything?"
"It's going to help my family, at least." Kaiba got up. "Where are my pants?"
"You're going down a bad path. Trust me."
Kaiba snickered. "You say 'trust me.' How can you expect me to take your advice seriously when you barely know anything about me?"
The strains of a hip-hop waltz swelled beneath their argument.
"You sure about that?" Keith prodded.
"As sure as I know you're cocky and cause big drama when you get too drunk. Which is nearly all the time." Kaiba sighed in mock exasperation, shaking his head. "Really, you ask me what I'm doing with my life and you're drinking yourself into oblivion?"
Keith glared, but his face settled into a smirk when the hip-hop waltz rose to a crescendo. He began to sing at Kaiba:
"Don't you fight with me;
I can see through your shit.
You expect me to quit?
There's no denying it.
Even you know it's true,
Yes you do, yes you do, yes you do." Keith tilted Kaiba's face up. Kaiba wrenched away. Keith started to rap:
"You think you're cool
That you can hide.
Don't be a fool.
You've got two sides.
The other's silenced,
You thought it died.
The hole in your mask
Is getting wide.
Take it from me
You're not so hidden.
Your locked-up mind?
Not so forbidden.
I see your cards
Lit up like Vegas
I know your deck
A to Omega." Keith gave a snort of a laugh.
"I say you're lying.
Not even spying
Would help you get it.
So quit your prying." Kaiba folded his arms.
"And quit your fighting.
Ain't rocket science.
You think of Noah
And of Mokuba
And of the crew
And that Damn Duke."
Kaiba gaped at Keith. How the hell did he know anything about the Duke? Keith just turned around, still smirking.
"That's right, I knew.
It ain't a fluke."
Kaiba picked up his boot to throw it at Keith's back.
"You'll grab your boot
And throw it at me.
Your point is moot,
Your moves, I can see," Keith finished. Kaiba dropped his boot, still openmouthed.
"Every night with me
You reveal every bit.
Poker face full of slits.
There is no hiding it.
I'll make you…" Keith reached over and pressed certain very responsive areas of Kaiba's body.
"Ahh…ahh…OHHH!" Kaiba moaned in ecstasy as Keith hit all of his sensitive spots.
Kaiba jerked himself away from Keith, still reeling from the pressure point stimulation. He turned to face him, half singing, half yelling:
"You can't see through me.
For all your bedroom tricks,
I'm not convinced one bit.
No, you don't know jack shit.
You don't know."
"Don't I?" Keith grinned.
"No, you don't!"
"Don't I?"
"No, you don't!"
"Don't I?"
"No, you don't!"
"Don't I?"
"No, you don't!"
Kaiba shifted his weight. "So that's how it's going to be, huh?" He circled Keith for a few seconds and continued the rap:
"You think you know me?
Well, then I'll try ya.
So what's my real name?"
"It's Seto Kaiba."
"No, keep trying."
"Is it O'Brien?"
Kaiba was shocked. "Must be a trick!"
"Guessed that one quick." Keith shrugged.
"You've got some nerve-" Kaiba clenched his fists.
"Think you can guess
My every word?
This is absurd." Keith and Kaiba spoke in unison, moving closer to each other with every sentence. Keith's timing was too perfect.
Kaiba wrenched himself out of Keith's orbit. "Think you can push all of my buttons, well, you don't know nothin', my questions, you're ducking."
"Oh?" Keith raised an eyebrow.
"It's not impressive;
You sound obsessive.
Also possessive,
Passive aggressive.
Can't read my mind,
Though you can try."
"Yugi could match you;
I wonder why.
Could it have been
The mental shatter?
But that's the past,
That doesn't matter." Keith waved dismissively.
Kaiba's mouth fell open.
"You could turn a stalemate to a check.
Break a mastermind down to a wreck." Kaiba fell to the bed.
"You cut right through me.
This is no magic trick.
How could I be careless?
How could I let it slip?
How could I? How could I?
How could I? How could I?
How could I?" Keith slapped Kaiba on the back. That seemed to stop the skipping.
"You can't lie to me." Keith's arms closed around Kaiba's waist.
"How do you know that shit?"
"Call it a 'subtle gift.'
Bet your ass it won't quit."
"How can you, how can you?"
"I will do it to you 'til we're through."
Kaiba shook his head. "Stop!"
"Wait, let me rephrase that last part…" Keith started.
Kaiba recoiled from Keith as if he were a snake. Keith came forward, but Kaiba threw his hands up.
"Stop."
"Just let me explain."
"Ohhhh…Would you stop treating my mind like a damn plaything?
Oh, I can't take it!"
Kaiba collapsed onto the bed in a heap. The music stopped.
"Oh, crap. I think I broke him." Keith gathered him up and held him upright. "Come on. Man up. You'd tell me the same thing." Kaiba was unresponsive.
Keith exhaled hard. "For the love of America…I didn't mean to come off like that," he said quietly. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I give a rat's ass about you."
Kaiba looked up at him with dead eyes. "You've got a funny way of showing it." He studied the floor tiles as the music started up again and he sang the chorus:
"One day you'll screw me."
"How can you say that shit?" Keith asked.
"You've already done it.
Feel like my head is split.
Can't elude what you spewed.
I conclude I am screwed.
So unglued."
Kaiba turned from Keith, but didn't try to fight him off.
"But I'm not Yugi.
And this is not a duel.
Didn't mean to be cruel.
I guess I was a tool."
"That is true, you're a tool, you're a tool
You're a tool, you're a tool."
"Yeah, maybe." Keith looked away. (6)
The hip-hop synth waltz faded into the sound of one of the neighbors yelling at them to "Shut off that racket and stop disgracing rap songs!"
"Where was that music coming from, anyway?" Keith wondered.
Kaiba smirked. The one thing Keith didn't know about him—and he'd be glad to tell him, just for the reaction. "Those 'new bits' I got from the aliens came with some crazy bonus features."
Keith's mouth hung open. "Does this mean you're charging extra now?"
-O-o-O-o-O-
