17. Present

I found a way, Father. I could quench the thirst while not doing the work of the devil. Wasn't that something good?

I made my home in the cave while I waited for the thirst to return. During the day, I would wander the countryside testing my new abilities. At night, I would sit in silence. I could not sleep, so I was left to my thoughts.

I remembered everything. I found that I could remember everything back to day of my birth. I remember when the midwife placed me on my mother's chest. I remember the depth of her eyes as she looked upon me. I remember the first time I felt the sensation of being loved. It came through the warmth from her eyes. I would not see that again until I met my Lisbet.

I remember Mother's screams as they took me away. I remember your agonized face when you first held me. You were cold and distant. I did not see the same love.

There were so many memories. There were childhood fights and childhood friends. I had memories of my dreams and could recall the things I had wondered about so much. My nights were filled with memories. They soothed me as I revisited them. They all were moments that connected to each other.

I was eleven when Constance Tollet told me she loved me. She held my hand as we walked to school. She told everyone we were going to get married. I never saw that look in her eyes though. There was quite literally something inside me that pulled me to Lisbet. When I first saw her, my heart desperately tried to run to her. I felt her presence inside me at the moment we met. In the rain, when she told me she loved me it was not just a statement as it was with Ernestine. It was a completion of a quest my soul had been on without me ever knowing.

It pained me so to recall her, but it was also wonderful because with my new found recollection I could vividly recall every detail of her and every moment we spent together.

After my hunger was satisfied the second time by deer, I was sure that I could sustain my life in this way. I could avoid killing a human; however, my loneliness proved that I could not avoid humans altogether.

18. 1665 - Summer

I decided to leave my cave and begin slowly moving closer to where I would come across the path of humans. I was careful, deliberate, and slow. The scent of human blood still would call to me; however, I could maintain control and not rush to attack them. I would remain at the same distance until I could manage the desire the scent would create. Then, I would move closer and start over again. I continued doing this moving closer and closer to civilization. I would feed on deer or other animals as needed; however, over time even the frequency of my need to feed was reduced.

So it was that I found myself on the outskirts of a deserted village. By the scent I could tell the humans had not been gone long from this place. As I crossed the treeline and could see the village more clearly I saw that it was not deserted, but instead recently sacked by bandits. Although my senses were warning me there was danger, my curiosity got the best of me, so I moved closer.

It seemed there may still be humans nearby, so I moved quietly into the ruins of the town church. The building had been destroyed by fire. The roof collapsed inside and the sun shone through. I picked my way through the debris and found myself looking at a wardrobe still in good condition. Opening it, I was surprised to find my reflection in a mirror.

My skin looked like the rocks in the quarry sparkling under the sun. Although I had seen the shine from my skin I had not realized the magnitude that I reflected the light. My skin was illuminating the room. The light bounced and danced and the breeze gently blew the dust and ash around. I was captivated by the change. As I continued to look at my reflection in the mirror I saw that my blue eyes were gone. They were now golden and bright. My hair remained blonde; however, it seemed more full and shimmered.

There were clothes in the wardrobe. Some priestly robes, but also a set of clothes I can assume only belonged to the minister. I changed into them as they were close to my size and in much better condition than the rags I was wearing. I returned to the image in the mirror and marveled once again at the transformation that had occurred.

The scent of blood was beginning to be strong, and it was becoming difficult to control my thirst. With one last look into the mirror, I left the church.

I followed the wall of the church passing along a low garden wall until I came to the back wall of another building. Following this, I found myself on the edge of the market square. There was in smoldering ruin from the fires. I saw overturned tables and an overturned cart, and beside the cart I saw a body. The body, lying with its back toward me, was in a pool of blood. Seeing the blood I was thrown into a frenzy. I raced away from the square only to find more bodies and more blood. The urge overtook me, and I started racing toward the scent of the live humans.

I was overwhelmed with the thirst as I raced through the streets and alleys. I could smell the humans near, but they were moving. My mind was racing too fast with the frenzy of the blood for me to properly find them. I ran through the alley and turned toward the scent. I found myself facing a little boy. He was disheveled and dirty. Streaks ran down his face where his tears had mixed with the dirt. His hair was matted with blood. His clothes were bloody as well. They were torn and dirty.

Ready to strike, my muscles were tense and my mouth watered in anticipation of the blood. As I moved to strike, the child looked up at me.

"Are you an angel?" he asked.

I was startled by the question long enough to regain my composure. Here I am about to taste my first human and it is from this? From an innocent child?

I forced myself to run. I ran as fast as I could away from the village straight to a boar. I satisfied my thirst with the boar. I was able to regain control and consider what had just happened. I was fine one moment then a raging monster the next. The thirst is so strong and consuming. I understood it's power now and knew I would have to work much longer before I could safely coexist with humans.

I will never forget the irony of the child's question.

It would take some time for me to feel I was once again in control of the urge for human blood. The smell of the freshly spilled blood in that village was so strong that I had to start the process of overcoming the desire all over again. As I would meditate at night, I would envision the child who just witnessed the destruction of his town. I would see myself losing control and feasting on the child. This thought was so horrible that it stood to remind my why I was working so hard to control the thirst.

During the time I was working to manage my thirst I also began to feel additional changes within my body. In addition to the heightened senses and physical changes, I was also experiencing a change in my mental state. My emotions were stronger. I felt more of a connection to things. My compassion for humans was changing. I always felt that we should do for others and through Lisbet I went through the motions of serving others; however, I never felt such a compelling desire to do something. Humanity endured such suffering. I felt I must act on their behalf. These powers should be used to do something good and not what they were intended to be.

My first thoughts went to the village. I should find the bandits and take revenge for the slain villagers. With my new powers I could be a vigilante for justice. As I considered this I realized that the thought of causing a human harm was so repulsive it made me physically ill. It didn't matter whether righteous or not, I could not cause a human any harm. I could not be the avenging angel, so I needed to find another way.

This, coupled with a severe loneliness, drove me back to the streets of London.