Fanfiction Four VIII:Diamonds are 10-20
Respectfully dedicated to the memory of Robert Stack.
For once, it seemed the Formidable Four would have a quiet night at Casa Lane. Trent had rented an armload of videos from Lackluster.
Jane was adding a new article to her scrapbook. She pasted an AP photo of Daria haulting Hurricane Andrew Lloyd with her inviso-shield next
to an article whose headline read "FF Foils Computer Bandit." (Weeks before, they had caught a thief in the act of stealing computers from an
internet cafe.) Jesse and Daria ate snacks and watched /Fleshmonster/.
"Oh no!" said the ditzy girl in the movie. "All my sorority sisters are, like, naked and decapitated. Something's not right here."
"Well duh!" said Daria.
"And people think I'm stupid." said Jesse.
"I hope nothing, like, bad happens to me." mused the next victim. "I know! I'll take a shower!"
"Cool," said Trent. "This is my favorite scene."
"Mine to." said Daria. "The stupid bitch dies."
"Do we have anymore popcorn, Jane?" asked Jesse.
"I think so. Hold on, I wanna show you something." Jane got up and went to the kitchen. She brought back an unpopped bag of popcorn.
"It took some practice, but check it out. Flame on!" She held the bag between her hands. The flames didn't shoot out as usual. Jane just seemed to
glow red from heat for awhile. Popping sounds filled the air. The bag fluffed out in less than a minute. "Ding!" Jane produced a bag of popcorn.
"A couple pieces might be scorched, but it's mostly good."
"Any more sodas, Janey?" asked Trent.
"Sorry, we're out."
"Jesse, time for you to go on a junkfood run." said Trent.
"Why me?"
"Cuz I did it last time."
"Fine, but could you toss in some cash? I'm a little short."
"Can't you just crush some coal into diamonds?" asked Jane.
"I don't wanna devaluate the market." Daria smiled to herself. It wasn't long ago that she would've been surprised that Jesse could understand
such a concept. "So what's everyone want?"
"Cherry Coke." said Trent.
"Root beer."said Jane
"Pepsi." said Daria.
"Be back soon." Jesse went out.
"Here's a movie for you, Daria!" said Jane, picking up a video. "/Bride of Chuckie/!"
"I'm trying very hard to put that experience behind me, Jane."
Jesse drove to the local Gas&Gulp. Quinn was there along with her three suitors, The 3 J's.
"Please go out with me tonight, Quinn." begged Jeffy.
"Sorry, I'm waiting for Buddy's shift to end here so he can take me out." said Quinn.
"How 'bout tomorrow night?"
"Sorry, I already promised Jervis."
"That's Jamie!" said Jamie.
"Well, if you're going to be snotty about it, date's off!"
"Will you go out with me Quinn?" asked Joey.
"No fair! I asked first!" said Jeffy.
"Guys, don't fight over me!" Quinn giggled.
"Hey," said Jamie. "Check out the long-haired fag getting out of the Range Rover."
"Ha! I could take him on." Jeffy bragged.
"You want us to beat him up for you, Quinn?" asked Joey.
"Ummmm.......OK!"
"Yo! Fag-boy!" yelled Jeffy, giving Jesse a kidney punch. It was like trying to punch a brick wall.
"Mosquitos are out early." Jesse commented. As Jeffy nursed a bruised fist, Joey came running at Jesse. "I really don't have time to play
with you boys." he said, throwing Joey across the lot. Jamie tried to attack him from behind and slapped a crowbar across Jesse's back. Jesse calmly
turned around, took away Jamie's crowbar, and tied it in a bow around the smaller boy's neck. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some shopping to do."
Quinn approached Jesse. "Wow! that was really impressive, what you did back there. Hey, aren't you Hercules? One of the super heros my
sis-uh-cousin hangs out with?"
"You mean Daria?"
"Yeah! What's your real name?" she asked, wrapping her arms around a well muscled arm.
"Uh-Jesse."
"Wow, what a sexy name! I just love guys whose names start with the letter J! Wanna go out with me?"
"Not really." He said it as casually as if she asked him if he liked licorice. "I've got shopping to do."
"Oh, I get it!" said Quinn. "You're playing hard to get! Fine, do your shopping. But don't play to hard. I might not be here when you come out
of the store."
"Cool." Jesse went in the store.
The Three J's staggered back towards Quinn. "Oh, get lost, you children!" she said. "I'm after a real man!" Reluctantly, they left her.
In the Gas&Gulp, Jesse picked up a bag of Ruffles, a bag of Funyuns, can of bean dip, a box of popcorn (triple butter), A Cherry Coke,
Pepsi, Mountain Dew for himself-did Jane like Barq's or A&W? As an afterthought, he decided to pick up a Ding-Dong for Jane.
A teenaged boy rang him up. "Stop right there, Buddy." Said a middle aged man in an apron. "Hercules' money is no good here. Just let
him take it."
"I can pay." said Jesse.
"Forget it." said the man. "He was in here last week. I was manning the store alone when an armed robber busted in. Herc didn't have to
get involved, but he did. He saved the store and quite possibly my life. He didn't even stop to be thanked. Just payed for his gas and left. From now
on, anything Hurcules wants is on me."
"Thanks." said Jesse. "In that case, can I have some beef jerky?"
"Take all you like!"
Buddy bagged Jesse's free groceries. When Jesse walked out, someone was waiting for him. Oh, great. he thought. It's that silly red-head-
Quiggly or Queen or whatever her name is.
"So you've returned." she said. "Ready to go out with me?"
"Nope." He put his groceries in the Range Rover.
"Fine, I'm not to crazy about you anyway. Lots of guys want to go out with me."
"Why?"
"Well, if you can't see for yourself, I'm not going to tell you!"
"Cool." Jesse got in his Rover and backed out. Quinn pretended not to care. The vehicle raced down the street.
"You come back here and date me, dammit!" Quinn yelled after him.
"Here you go." Jesse said as he passed out junk food at Casa Lane. "Here's your money back, Trent. The guy at the Gas&Gulp said I could
shop there for free."
"Really? Why?"
"Last week I stopped over to buy some gas when this guy tried to hold the place up. I did that karate chop to the neck Kenji taught us and
busted up the guy's gun. Oh, Jane, I got you something." He gave her the Ding-Dong.
"Hey, Jane," said Daria. "Jesse wants you to eat his Ding-Dong."
"Shut up, Daria." said Jane. "/I'm/ the one who makes the off-color jokes."
"Oh, Daria," said Jesse. "I met your sister and her little friends at the store. She's acting weird."
"As opposed to how she usually acts?"
"Good one, Daria." chuckled Trent.
"Valentine's Day is in a couple of weeks." said Jesse, sitting next to Jane. "Anyone got plans?"
"I hate Valentine's Day." said Trent.
"Ditto." said Daria. "The crass commercialism, the saccharin blend of pink and magenta, the emphasis that you're a dateless loser who
will die a lonely death."
"I hate it cuz it's my stupid birthday." said Trent.
"Oh yeah," said Jane. "That double 2 is sneaking up on you."
"Could be worse." said Jesse. "You could've been born on Christmas."
"I promise, Trent." said Daria. "No frosted pink cupcakes this year."
Meanwhile, The 3 J's were in their secret headquarters, aka, Jeffy's basement. The walls were full of Quinn memorabilia. "How dare he!"
Jeffy asked rhetorically. "How dare this undocumented J infringe on our Quinn! This is unacceptable!" Jamie looked for some tools to get rid of
the crowbar around his neck.
"Uh, I think he's more of an H than a J." said Joey. "His super name is Hercules."
"Well, if you're so smart," said Jeffy. "why don't you figure out a way to get Quinn to like me-uh-us again?"
"We can make him look bad." Joey suggested.
"How?'' asked Jeffy. "He's a super hero with unmatched strength. Practically a celebrity."
"And I've heard he visits sick kids in the hospital." said Jamie, trying to free himself from his iron collar with a pair of bolt cutters. "Chicks
go wild for that sensitive male crap."
"And he's really good-looking." said Joey. His friends stared at him. "What? I'm not saying /I/ find him attractive!"
"We've gotta find some way to bring him down." said Jeffy. "If Quinn hasn't come to her senses and agreed to go with at least one of us
to the Sweetheart's Ball by Valentine's Day, drastic measures will be taken!"
In the weeks that followed, The 3 J's did all they could to bring down Jesse. Quinn actively sought out Jesse's company. He was just too
shy to tell her to go away, so he put up with her. One day, Quinn was walking beside Jesse, telling him all about the hot pink Scrunchie she got for
the Sweetheart's Ball and dropping some hints that she was still looking for a date. The 3 J's ambushed them commando style and peppered Jesse
with paintballs. Unfortunatly, their aim was poor and Quinn got splattered. She threw a Kamehameha hissy fit, scaring everyone away- including Jesse.
Joey tried sugaring his gas tank. Jesse caught him in the act and punished Joey by forcing him to eat the entire bag of sugar in one sitting. Jeffy
tried the midnight pizza delivery trick. It didn't work. Every pizza place seemed to be familiar with Jesse Moreno. Jamie tried egging his house. Jesse
caught him and made him clean up the mess- with his tongue. Valentine's Day came and Quinn still refused to talk to any of the J's.
Valentine's Day fell on a Friday that year. On the way to homeroom, Brittany stopped Daria in the hall. "Look Daria!" she said, practically
shoving a fluffy pink teddy bear in her face. "Look what my Kevvie got me for Valentine's Day! What did you get?"
"Um, nothing."
"Nothing! Not a thing for Valentines? Oh, Daria, that's so sad!"
"I'll get over it."
It started out like every Valentine's Day. Girls who usually went out of their way to ostracize Daria suddenly wanted to show her all the
goodies they got for Valentines. Just to rub it in her face. Then the delivery man showed up. "I'm looking for a Daria (He pronounced it to rhyme
with Mariah) Morjendoffer and a June Lanny."
"That's us." sighed Jane. The man gave Daria a single perfect red rose in a tasteful glass vase. He gave Jane a box that held a Dove's
solid chocolate rose.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed a surprised Stacy. "/Daria/ got a Valentine!"
"I could almost see some guy having a little crush on Jane." said Brooke. "But Daria?"
"Stop, all your complements are giving me a swelled head." Daria deadpanned.
"Oh, read the card! Read the card!" Stacy was practically wetting herself.
"It says 'For my mermaid, love Trent.'" The girls practically swooned.
Later in the hall, The 3 J's paid their homage to Quinn. "I made you this Valentine myself, Quinn." said Joey. "Cheapskate!" said Jeffy.
"Quinn, I bought this big bouquet of roses, just for you!" Jamie shoved him aside. "Quinn, I got you a big box of candy."
"Ugh, get that away from me!" said Joey, remembering the sugar incident.
"Look, guys," said Quinn. "You're sweet, but I've got my mind set on...him!" She opened her locker to reveal a shrine to Jesse "Hercules" Moreno.
"Look, Quinn." said Joey. "He's not in high school any more. I doubt if he wants to come to the Sweetheart's Ball."
"Are you saying he's to good for me, Joey?" she asked, pointedly.
"No! It's just..."
"If my loser sis-uh-cousin can have an older boyfriend, then by golly so can I! Jesse will come around and see that I'm totally right for him."
"Guess again." said Jane from behind. She still had her chocolate rose and the card it came with. "Read it and weep."
"Sweets for my sweet." Quinn read. "Love, Jesse. WHAT!?"
"Gotta admit." said Jane. "The guy knows what I like." Quinn ran to the lady's room before anyone could see her mascara run.
"That rat bastard made Quinn cry!" said Jeffy. "And for that, he must pay!" They huddled up to form their diabolical plan.
After school, Jesse picked up the girls and his brother. The four of them chipped in for a cake. In emerald green frosting, the bakers wrote
"Happy 22nd Birthday, Brent."- untill our heros sent it back to be corrected.
At Casa Lane, the Formidable Four (plus one) ate cake and gave Trent presents. "I wasn't sure what you'd like," said Danny. "But, Jesse
likes Creed and I thought you might to." His gift had been a CD.
"Thanks. I do like them."
Jane got him an Anthrax CD. Jesse got him a Panterra CD. Daria was smart. She got him a CD caddy. "Thanks Daria." he said. "I got you
something for Valentine's."
"Really, the rose was enough." she said. Trent gave her a gift box. She opened it and found a black leather jacket. She was speechless.
"I thought you might like it." said Trent. "And you probably need one, seeing as how your green jacket is at the bottom of the sea now."
Meanwhile, at the bottom of the sea, Nautilus wept bitter tears in said green jacket.
"I love it." Daria said, kissing Trent's cheek. "But now I feel embarrassed. I got you a birthday present, but no Valentine's present."
"Let me see you wear it." he said. "That will be gift enough."
"Let me get your present, Jesse." Jane went upstairs and brought down a canvas. "I'll finally let you see it." She unveiled her portrait of
Jesse. Somehow, she had managed not only to capture his physical likeness, but the warm gentle person he was inside.
"It's beautiful, Jane." said Jesse, kissing her. "Here's your present." He gave her a pair of heart-shaped diamond earrings.
"Jesse, they're beautiful." Said Jane. "They must have cost you a lot."
"Not really. They were my mother's. She would've wanted you to have them."
"Boo-hoo." said Danny. "It's Valentine's Day and no one loves me."
"I love you, Danny." said Jesse.
"Yeah, but I can't take you to the Sweetheart's Ball." sighed Danny. "I tried asking Quinn. She seemed interested in me when she came
over to sell those phone cards. She said she wanted to go out with Jesse."
"Like Jesse would be caught dead at a high school party." said Trent.
"I'm /in/ high school." said Daria. "And /I/ don't like high school parties."
"Quinn got kinda upset when I showed her the chocolate rose Jesse sent me." said Jane. "What do you think of Quinn, Jesse?"
"You mean the silly red-head? She annoys the hell out of me."
"Here, here." said Daria.
After the cake was squared away, Daria and the Moreno brothers went home. Daria and Jesse returned soon. Daria was wearing her new
jacket with a black silk blouse and black leather skirt she had "borrowed" from Quinn. She carried a suspicious looking brown bag. Jesse wore a
grey ribbed sweater with black jeans and his long hair in a ponytail. He carried a picnic basket. They arrived at almost the same time. Jane was wearing
a blue sweater and skirt set that brought out her eyes and her new earrings. Even Trent was dressed up-by his standards. That meant a buttoned
denim shirt and fairly new jeans.
"Jesse and I are going to the beach for a picnic." said Jane. "What do you two have planned-or is that none of my business?" She cocked
an eyebrow at Daria.
"I'm gonna show her how I make my famous Bisquik pizza." said Trent.
"I sneaked some wine from my parent's liquor cabinet." said Daria. "Does Merlot go with pepperoni?"
"Daria, you are so /bad/" teased Jane.
Jesse and Jane had their picnic. Jane went through the basket. "Tuna sandwiches, Pringles, root beer, beef jerky, Ding-Dongs-Tic Tacs?"
"I figured you wouldn't want to kiss someone with fish breath."
They ate and talked. Danny was drowning his sorrows on the internet. Jane was happy for Trent and Daria. Jesse wished Quinn would take
a hint and leave him alone. Jane was planning a found objects sculpture. Jesse was planning to visit the children's ward at Cedars of Lawndale
and wanted Jane to come with him.
"I'm afraid I couldn't show them my powers." said Jane. "You know, oxygen tanks and that stuff."
"They just want someone to spend some time with them."
"If they're healthy enough to go outside, I can show them a trick I figured out how to do. It looks more impressive under a night sky."
"Like this one?"
"This is more of a twilight sky, but it will work. Watch. Flame on." Jane turned on her flames and soared into the sky. When she got to
the right altitude she turned her flames on white hot and went into a nose dive, leaving a 12 foot long plume of flame behind her. She turned down
the heat, rose 12 feet and went into another white hot nose dive followed by a right angle. Jesse saw what she was doing. She was sky-writing
with fire. The message read "I LOVE YOU, JESSE." To top it off, Jane surrounded the message with a heart shaped ring. She alit next to Jesse and
turned the flames off.
"I love you to, Jane." he said, taking Jane in his arms. As he held her, he sang.
/If there were no words, no way to speak/
/I would still hear you/
/If there were no tears, no way to feel inside/
/I'd still feel for you/
/And even if the sun refused to shine/
/Even if romance ran out of rhyme/
/You would still have my heart/
/Until the end of time/
/You're all I need, my love,/
/My Valentine/
"Jesse, that was beautiful." said Jane. "You should get Trent to let you do more vocal solos."
"He's better at handling the crowd than I am."
Jane hugged Jesse. "Talk dirty to me in Spanish."
"Besami mucho."
Jane assaulted him with kisses, just as he asked. "You call that dirty?" she teased.
"What do you want me to say? Jodidami mucho?"
"It's official. You know more Spanish than I do."
"That was a word they don't teach you in Spanish class."
"Te amo, Jesse."
"Te amo, Janey." They kissed, falling to the sand beneath them. Jane used one hand to work the band that held Jesse's hair back. Her
other hand slipped under his sweater, caressing him through the thin cotton shirt he wore underneath. Jesse stopped her. ''I think I need to take
you home."
"Oh. O-OK." Jane said despondantly. I guess he's just not that attracted to me. she thought, as she gathered the remanants of their picnic.
Jesse knelt down to help. "Jane, when I said I needed to take you home, I meant my home."
Jane kissed him. They hurried back to his Range Rover. "What about Danny?" she asked.
"All this time I thought you only liked me." he teased. "Don't worry. Danny said he was going to a friend's house. He might be gone all
night. And Dad will be at his AA meeting until almost midnight."
Jesse took Jane up to his room. "Well, it's in better shape than Trent's." said Jane. Jesse held her close and kissed her deeply. "Can we
turn the lights out?" she asked.
"But I wanna look at you." he murmured.
"You've got all these posters on the wall. I feel like I'm being watched."Jesse turned off the lights and turned on the Tiffany lamp Jane
made him for Christmas. "Perfect."
And now, the Watcher will draw the curtain on the two lovers and focus on the dibolical doings of The 3 J's.
"It's like this." said Jeffy, as they schemed in their lair. "My mom's got some real expensive diamond jewelry. We'll plant it on Muscle Man
and make it look like he stole it." He showed them an exquisite necklace and bracelet set he pilfered from his own mother.
"We gotta come up with a better story than that." said Jamie.
"I got it!" said Joey. "Jeffy, you'll say you were in the living room-um-doing your homework or something when Hercules tore down the
door, beat the smack out of you, took your mom's jewels and left."
"Sounds good." said Jeffy. "But the cops'll think something's up when I obviously haven't been beat up or anything." Joey and Jamie
grinned. "Oh, no!"
"It's for a good cause!" said Joey, slugging Jeffy in the jaw. After Jeffy was sufficiently black and blue, Joey and Jamie tore the front door
off it's hinges and drove to the Moreno house.
"Ugh." said Jamie. "I can still taste those eggs he made me lick up."
"Quiet, dude." whispered Joey. In his passionate haste, Jesse hadn't thought to lock the door. It was half past midnight. Danny had stayed
at his friend's house. Luis had to be the designated driver for a fellow AA member who fell off the wagon. The two J's snuck into Jesse's room. They
were aware of a slumbering lump on the bed. Jane was enveloped in blankets and her lover's arms. The tresspassers did not see her. They tucked
the diamonds in his beureau drawer and slinked away.
The next morning, Jane woke up in Jesse's arms. She kissed him awake. "Good morning." she said sweetly.
"Good morning." he said and kissed her. "God, last night, that was the best night of my life."
"I kinda gathered that when you screamed out my name and nearly crushed my ribs."
"Sorry. I forget how strong I am sometimes. I didn't really hurt you, did I?"
"I just had the wind knocked out of me. I'm fine, really." She snuggled up to him.
"But you were-you know-bleeding."
"That happens sometimes. I'm OK." She kissed him. He kissed back and rolled on top of her. "Hold on, big guy." she said. "Not untill you
get another one of those." She pointed to a box of condoms on his nightstand. Jesse grabbed one.
After they made love, they showered together and went down stairs. Jane redressed in her blue outfit from the night before. Jesse threw
on a T-shirt and some jeans. Jesse was in the kitchen mixing up batter for French toast. "So, you wanna do anything later?" Jane asked, microwaving
some syrup.
"Do you?" he asked, turning the bread.
"I'd like to go home and change into something more casual first."
"You think Daria might still be there with Trent?"
"Maybe she gave him a birthday spanking."
They had eaten breakfast and had just put the dishes away when the doorbell rang. Jesse opened it to find two men in suits. "Sorry, we
don't need any religious pamphlets today." He tried to close the door. The older looking man put his foot in the door and flashed a badge. "Agent
Flemming, ATF. Are you Jesse Moreno, AKA Hercules?"
"Um, yeah."
"We have reason to believe you commited a B&E on the Jones residence, assaulted Jeffery Jones Jr. and commited grand theft by absconding
with Jaquelyn Jones' diamond jewelry."
"That's ridiculous!" he said.
"Will you sign this search warrent, then?" asked the other man.
"I have nothing to hide." Jesse signed the warrent.
"Who's the tomato?" asked Flemming, indicating Jane.
"That's my friend's sister, Jane. The two of them came over yesterday and she left her purse here."
Why is he lying? thought Jane. I don't even own a purse.
"Dressed awful nice." Flemming observed.
"She's on her way to a job interview. That's why she needs her purse."
He's one of the coolest liars I've ever seen. thought Jane.
"Can't find anything down here." said the other agent who had been searching the living room. "Mr. Moreno, I'm going to have to ask
you to show me your bedroom."
Jesse showed them the room. "Someone likes their rock and roll." Flemming commented. Then he looked in the wastbasket and brought
out some forceps. "What do we have here?" he asked, pulling out a used condom.
"I went out to club last night and picked up a girl." Jesse shrugged. "She left this morning. I don't remember her name and I don't know
where she is."
Flemming hummed suspiciously and looked at Jane, just at the threshold. "How old are you?" he asked.
"Old enough to know better." said Jane.
"Don't get smart with me, Missy!"
"She had nothing to do with this." said Jesse. "I'll get her purse so she can go home." Jesse went into the master bedroom and a few minutes
later brought out a black leather clutch purse. He gave it to Jane and touched her hand. "You might wanna go through it later." he said. "To make sure
everything is there."
Jane choked back tears. This was not how she wanted to leave Jesse, but it seemed they had no choice. As she went down stairs she heard
one of the agents say "I found them, Flemming. In the beaureu."
"I-I-I didn't do it! I don't know how they got there!"
"Oh, and I suppose it was the one armed man!" said Flemming. "And speaking of one arm, Gregory, I want you to perform a cavity search
on this man."
"But, we found the diamonds, Flemming." Gregory protested.
Jane ran outside and started walking home. I can't believe this. she thought. Jesse, after all he's done for this shithole of a town, is going
to be arrested for something he didn't do. I should've told them he was with me that night. Fooling around with a minor can't be as bad as grand
theft, can it? I'm not that young. I'll be 18 in October. She forgot how far October was from February. He told me to go through the purse. Was he
trying to tell me something? She opened the clutch. All that was inside was a driver's liscense that expired ten years ago made out to a Mary Lillian
Moreno and a scrap of paper. It turned out to be a hastily written note.
/Jane, I don't know what's going on, I just know it's bad. I don't want you to get involved. Don't worry about me. I love you, Jesse./
Tears sprang to Jane's eyes. "Dammit, Jesse." she whispered. "Can't you see I'm already involved?"
Jane came home and went up to Trent's room. To her surprise, he was in bed, alone. She woke him up. "Trent" she said, waking him. "Jesse's
been arrested."
"Huh? whadid he do?"
"They said he broke into someone's house last night, beat up some kid and took some diamonds. They found the jewels in his room but
I know he didn't do it. I was with him last night. The enitire night." She broke down crying. Trent held her, tried to comfort her. The phone quacked.
Trent picked up.
"Trent, it's me, Jesse." the familiar voice on the line said. "I've been arrested."
"Janey told me all about it." Trent responded.
"They set my bail pretty high, so I won't ask you to pay it. I just wanna know if Janey's OK."
"Um, she's fine." Since when does he call her Janey? he briefly wondered. "She's kinda upset, but she's right here."
"Can I speak to her?"
"Sure." Trent handed the phone to Jane.
"Jesse," she said. "Just tell them you were with me last night. You know I'll vouch for you."
"Janey, that could get us both in a lot of trouble."
"We're talking grand theft, Jesse. Ten to twenty. My parents don't give a damn about what I do and last I heard they were somewhere in
Malta anyway. I'm 17, not 12 so they may go easy on you. Look, just don't lie at the trial. Purjury can get you in more trouble than you can get out of."
"I understand."
"Daria's mom's a lawyer. We'll talk to her."
"I love you, Jane."
"I love you too, Jesse."
That afternoon, Jesse's teammates visited him in county lock-up. They all shared a collective gasp of shock. Jesse was in prison blues, wearing
a strange choker with a red bauble on it, and his light brown hair had been cut unattractivly short. "Lemmee guess." he said. "You don't like my new hair cut."
"It's-um-different." said Jane.
"That choker looks familiar." said Trent.
"Japanese import." said Jesse. "It's a pacifier like the one QB Doom used on you. They don't want me bending the bars and escaping. I hear they
use these in some game show called /$la$her$/. Japanese game shows make /Fear Factor/ look like /The Price is Right/."
"Jesse," said Daria. "For you, I've done something I try very hard not to do. I talked to my mother. She said she call as soon..." Her cell
phone rang. " "That's probably her." She answered the phone. "Hello? Yes, Mom, we're all here in the visitation room with Jesse. You're here? Good.
We'll see you soon."
Helen came in soon. "Jesse Moreno?" she said to him. "Helen Morgendorfer." She gave him her card. "You have some serious offences
against you, young man."
"I didn't do it."
"Of course you didn't. I've contacted a few colleagues and we are assembling a dream team of attorneys for you, Mr. Moreno." She
opened the door, letting in a thin black man with glasses and a brief case. Oh no, thought Daria. Not /him/!
"If the man is super strong, then he can do no wrong!" said Johnny Cochrain. "Mr. Moreno, I am here to get you off! Your name is Moreno,
right? We'll just tell the jury a nice sob story about your life as a migrant farm worker. Drifting from farm to farm, struggling to pick enough grapes to
buy tortillas for your family, the language barrier, racial discrimination...."
"Mr. Cochrain," said Jesse. "My father's from Madrid, Spain. I was born right here in Lawndale. I've never picked grapes in my life. I don't
even like tortillas."
"You're gonna have to work with me, Mr. Moreno. How else do you expect to get out of jail?"
"By being innocent."
Cochrain suppressed a laugh. "Well, that's a new one on me. Innocent!"
That night at the prison, Jesse's cell mate, Rolex, talked him into going to the weight room. "Look everyone!" said Rolex. "Look how much
this mother can lift!" Jesse obliged everyone by benchpressing every weight in the room.
"Hey, Hercules," said one of the prisoners. Jesse got off the bench to look at him. "I'm Adam Foy, better known as The Computer Bandit.
You put me in here!" He swung. Jesse ducked and did a sweep kick. Foy ran at him, screaming in rage. Jesse merely sidestepped him.
"Don't fuck with him, Foy." said Rolex. "Herc could tear you a new one!"
Foy didn't listen. He continued to fight Jesse. Jesse grabbed his hands so he couldn't strike. A severe shock went through him, causing
him to drop Foy.
"That's enough trouble out of you, Moreno!" said the guard with the controller. "Back to your cell."
"But I..."
"Just do what boss-man says, Herc." said Rolex. "It's easier that way."
That night Jesse lay awake on his bunk. Rolex snored nearby. Rolex wasn't so bad- for a convict. Just burglary and pot possesion. Nothing
perverted. Someone in the next cell started chanting "Fish, fish, fish..." untill a guard cracked a baton against the bars. Jesse tried to sleep. About
midnight someone down the hall screamed for his mother. Prison made even the toughest convicts cry out in the dead of night. Jesse kept his tears
to himself. He fondly remembered his last night of freedom. Would he ever hold Jane again? He remembered tenderly cradling Jane before they went
to sleep together and singing to her.
/I've dreamed of this a thousand times before/
/But in my dreams I couldn't love you more/
/I will give you my heart until the end of time/
/You're all I need, my love, my Valentine/
The trial began the next day. Jesse met with his lawyers, Helen Morgendorfer, Johnny Cochrain, and a new guy named Joe Adler. "This
is obviously a false accusation and a miscarriage of justice." said Adler. He ticked the names off on his fingers."Moreno, we are going to sue
Jeffy Jones, we are going to sue Agent Flemming, we are going to sue Agent Gregory, we are going to sue...."
"Oh, for the love of God, we're not suing anybody!" said Helen. Adler looked like he had been told there was no Santa Claus. "Now,
Jesse, we need to know where you were on the 14th. Remember, anything you said to the arresting officers /before/ you were read your rights is
null and void."
"I'd rather not say."
"Anything you say to your attorney is in strict confidence." said Helen.
"I was with Jane that night."
"Daria's little friend?"
"Yeah."
"What times that night were you with her?"
"Um, the whole night."
"Oh. I see." Helen made a mental note to have "The Talk" with Daria later. "How old is Jane?"
"She turned seventeen last October."
"Boy," said Cochrain. "Whatcha otta do is take your girl down to Georgia. In that state, if she's old enough to bleed, she's old enough to breed!"
Helen gave him a disgusted look. "It's my understanding," she continued."That the Lanes are negligent and often absentee parents. Jane
is, frankly, only a little underaged. Many people would be looking at a lifetime as a registered sex offender, but we may be able to get around that,
considering your record. Now, will Jane be willing to vouch for your wherebouts?"
"Yeah." he sighed.
Jane rushed in. "Can it wait, Jane?" asked Helen. "This is supposed to be a private meeting."
"Jesse," said Jane. "Look out the window." Outside was a group of protesters. They bore signs reading "Free Hercules." He recognized
some of the protesters. Some were children he visited in the hospital, some in wheelchairs. He recognized the guy from the Gas&Gulp. There was
Axl from the tattoo parlor. Nick and Max were there. They all chanted /3,6,9, Jesse did not do the crime!/
"Kinduva sloppy rhyme." Jane commented.
The transport to the court house was a media frenzy. Flashbulbs cracked. Diana Wolfgang got in Jesse's face. "Hercules, did you steal
Mrs. Jones' jewels?" she demanded.
"No I did not." he said.
"I believe you, Hercules." said a small voice. Jesse looked down. It was Astrid, the little girl who named him. "I know you wouldn't do that."
Jesse gave her a smile. If only everyone had the same faith in him.
Later. "Oyez, oyez. The court of the honorable judge Desmond Kinkaid now presiding."
Not long after the swearing in, Jodi bursted in the courtroom. "He's innocent!" she yelled. "I have proof!"
"Bailiff, restrain that girl." said Judge Kinkaid.
"Your Honor," said Helen. "May I speak with this girl? I'll be brief."
"You may."
Minutes later, Helen said "The defence calls Jodi Landon as witness." Jodi took the stand. "Miss Landon, where were you on the night
of February 14?"
"My boyfriend, Michael MacKinzie, was walking me home. We had dinner at Bennigins. We were in my front yard looking at the stars when
we saw some fire in the sky."
"Fire, you say?''
"Big plumes of it, taking the shape of letters in the sky. I ran inside and got my digital camera. These are the photos." She handed some
photos over to Helen.
"I'd like to submit these photos to the jury, your Honor." Kinkaid acquiesented. "The jury will please note the date and time on the photos.
Jodi, would you describe the pictures for the court?"
"The flames spelled out 'I love you, Jesse.' We knew Jane was the only one with the power to sky-write with fire and she had received a
chocolate rose from Jesse that day. I probably wasn't the only one who saw those firey letters. I thought it was a sweet gesture."
"No further questions for this witness."
"Permission to cross examine." said prosecuter Dale Blake. It was granted. "Miss Landon, at what time did you see this message in the sky?"
"Just after sunset. It says 5:45 on the digital photos."
"And did you actually /see/ either Miss Lane or Mr. Moreno?"
"Well, no. I guess Jane was to high up for me to see her. I know it was in the eastern sky."
"Is it possible that Mr. Moreno was not in the area? Or if he was, left soon after?"
"Objection," said Helen. "Calls for speculation."
"Sustained. Get to the point, Blake."
"Miss Landon, do these photos prove where Jesse Moreno was at about midnight, February 14?"
"No, I guess not." Jodi sighed.
"No further questions."
The prosecution called Jeffery Jones Jr. to the stand. He had a black eye. "I was doing my homework in the living room." said Jeffy. "Mom
and Dad went out to dinner at Chez Pierre. Suddenly, the door busted down. And-and /he/ came in." Jeffy made a good show of looking afraid.
"Is /he/ in the court room?" asked Blake. Jeffy pointed out Jesse. "Let the record show that the witness indicated the defendant."
"He just busted in and started to beat me up. He was a madman, I thought he was going to kill me! When he was done, he went upstairs
and came back down with my mom's jewelry. I tried to stop him, but he knocked me down. I must've passed out. When I came to, I called the police
and told them what happened."
"My poor, brave baby!" wailed Mrs. Jones.
"Mr. Jones," said Helen in the cross examining. "Are you aware that The defendant could snap your spine like a twig if he wanted?"
"I-I guess."
"So why did he not kill you?''
"Objection," said Blake. "Speculation."
"Sustained."
"No further questions. The defence calls Jesse Moreno." Jesse took the stand. "Jesse, where were you on the night of the14th?"
Jesse broke into a cold sweat. Don't be nervous. he told himself. You'll look guilty. "I was with my girlfriend, Jane Lane. We had a picnic
by the beach. She did the sky-writing that Jodi saw."
"And then what did you do?" prompted Helen.
Jesse took a sip of water. "We-ah-made out for awhile."
"And then?"
"I took her home."
"Your own home?"
"Yeah."
"Did she spend the night with you?"
"Yeah."
Blake cross examined Jesse. "So, you're saying you spent the whole night with an underaged girl."
"Objection." said Helen. "Irrelevant."
"Sustained."
Blake smiled. "Could she account for your wherebouts for the /whole/ night? Did she, by any chance, fall asleep so she wouldn't know
exactly where you were?"
"I've got a pretty narrow bed. She fell asleep in my arms. If I got out of bed, it would've woke her up."
"So you admit you slept with an underaged girl?"
"Objection!" shouted Helen.
"No more questions." said Blake. "Prosecution calls Agent Aaron Flemming to the stand."
As Agent Flemming gave his testimony, Daria got an idea. "Trent, come with me." she whispered. "We need to do some investigating."
"Should we bring Janey?" he whispered.
"No, she's probably going to be called as a witness. We'll stop at my house and grab a camera."
Trent drove Daria to the Jones house. It was roped off with yellow tape reading "CRIME SCENE, DO NOT ENTER."
"We better park somewhere else." said Daria, noting a police cruiser not far from the house. "I can get us past the cop." Trent parked the
next street over.
"So, how you gonna get us past the cop?" Trent asked.
"Well, they don't call me the Phantom for nothing." She got out of the car. Trent followed. "Take my hand, I'll make us both invisible."
The cop thought he heard someone running through the grass, but he saw no one. He supposed it was only the wind.
They appeared in the living room. "The police probably already dusted for fingerprints. We've gotta look for something they overlooked."
"Daria, about what happened on Valentines..."
"Trent, now is not the time or the place." Daria checked out the door. Trent half expected her to whip out a magnifying glass a la Sherlock
Holmes. "This doesn't look right." she said. "The angle of this door. It looks like it was torn down from the inside."
Trent took a look. He checked out the hinges. "Looks like the Jones had a screw loose."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"I have a reoccurring dream about being in a threesome with Lita Ford and Joan Jett." She gave him an odd look. "That's something you
don't know."
"Well, you're right. These screws look like they were loosened. And look at these stress marks. Wrong side of the door, to begin with.
And it's several little ones. If Jesse wanted to break down a door, he could do it with one hard strike. This door, was more than likely, torn down
by two or three stupid teenaged boys whose names all begin with the letter J."
"Brilliant, Holmes." Trent started taking pictures.
"Elementary, my dear Trent."
Back at the courtroom, Jane was on the stand.
"For the record," she said, "I'd just like to say Jesse didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. It was all consensual."
"Stop lying for him, you tramp!" shouted Mrs. Jones. "That monster tried to kill my baby!"
Judge Kinkaid pounded his gavel. "Order! Mrs. Jones, one more outburst and you will be asked to leave the courtroom."
Daria and Trent walked in. "Your Honor," said Daria. "I have proof. This is all a frame up."
"Court declares a 30 minute recess." said Kinkaid.
Daria showed the damaging photos to Jesse's lawyers.
When court was back in session, Cochrain passed the photos out to the jury. "You will notice, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, screws
are missing or obviously loosened from their hinges. The angle of the door could only be made by knocking it down from the inside. Those marks
were not made by one of super strength, but perhaps by some healthy teenaged boys.When you see this door, you know what's in store." Helen
looked sick. "We rest our case, your honor."
The jury deliberated. Jesse gulped down one glass of water after another. "This is an outrage!" said Adler. "Mr. Moreno, those punks
have lied about you- under oath! You have suffered much emotional distress because of a cruel prank that could've had you unjustly imprisoned.
But don't worry, I'll get you what you deserve! We are going to sue these boys, we are going to sue their parents, we are going to sue the county,
we are going to sue..."
The jury announced that they had reached a verdict. "Will the defendant please rise?"
The world stood still. "Keep the camera on him, Theo." hissed Diana Wolfgang.
"Yes Ms. Wolfgang."
"We the jury find the defendant, Jesse Ray Moreno, to be...not guilty."
Jesse embraced Jane and anyone else that got close enough. "Lawsuit!" Daria called as Jesse tried to get her in a bear hug.
epilogue:
Jane waited outside the Scissors Wizards. Jesse came out. "Do you like it?" he asked. The top and back had been feathered, giving his
hair a fuller appearance. The sides were trimmed and combed back.
"It looks great." said Jane, kissing him. "It looks better that the jailhouse hack-job they gave you. I think it looked better long, though."
"I know. The stylist said my face was to long. They sold me some vitamin E cream." He showed her the tube. "It should speed things up
a little. How 'bout dinner and a movie?"
"Sure, where do you wanna go?"
"I hear Chez Pierre is good."
"Good and expensive."
"I took Adler's advice and sued the pants off those jerks. They got in a lot of trouble for perjury, but their lawyers got them probation.
Wonder what Mrs. Jones thinks of her baby now."
"They won't bother you for a long time. I don't think fancy French food is my taste. How 'bout TGI Friday's?"
"Cool."
He put his arm around her and they walked to the resteraunt.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
Don't touch me you pervert!
Why the hell am I chained up and naked?
I must have trrrruffles!
Hey, baby, huhhuh, wanna wrestle?
Nah, I got a strict no incest rule.
So- where are the hookers?
(A/N) "My Valentine" belongs to Martina McBride until the end of time. Agent Flemming was a character
from /Beavis and Butthead Do America/. Joe Adler was featured on "Beavis and Butt-Head". People outside
of Texas might not get that he was a satire of a real lawyer named Jim Adler. He bills himself as
"The tough, smart lawyer who will hammer and hammer to get you what you deserve!" The movie the guys
watch at the beginning of the fic is also from B&B. Those lovable miscreants saw it at a drive-in
and I thought it might be on video by now. If you like characters from B&B, you'll love the next fic.
Johnny Cochran is a character from /The OJ Simpson Show/. He was this goofy character who
always spoke in rhyming couplets and...oh, wait, that was real life. Sorry.
I apologize for what I did to Jesse's hair. I love the way long hair looks on guys, but
according to my brother (a former prison guard) men in prison aren't allowed to let their hair
grow long.
Quick Spanish lesson for all you gringos.
Besami mucho= Kiss me bunches.
Jodidami mucho= Fuck me bunches.
Te Amo= I love you.
Respectfully dedicated to the memory of Robert Stack.
For once, it seemed the Formidable Four would have a quiet night at Casa Lane. Trent had rented an armload of videos from Lackluster.
Jane was adding a new article to her scrapbook. She pasted an AP photo of Daria haulting Hurricane Andrew Lloyd with her inviso-shield next
to an article whose headline read "FF Foils Computer Bandit." (Weeks before, they had caught a thief in the act of stealing computers from an
internet cafe.) Jesse and Daria ate snacks and watched /Fleshmonster/.
"Oh no!" said the ditzy girl in the movie. "All my sorority sisters are, like, naked and decapitated. Something's not right here."
"Well duh!" said Daria.
"And people think I'm stupid." said Jesse.
"I hope nothing, like, bad happens to me." mused the next victim. "I know! I'll take a shower!"
"Cool," said Trent. "This is my favorite scene."
"Mine to." said Daria. "The stupid bitch dies."
"Do we have anymore popcorn, Jane?" asked Jesse.
"I think so. Hold on, I wanna show you something." Jane got up and went to the kitchen. She brought back an unpopped bag of popcorn.
"It took some practice, but check it out. Flame on!" She held the bag between her hands. The flames didn't shoot out as usual. Jane just seemed to
glow red from heat for awhile. Popping sounds filled the air. The bag fluffed out in less than a minute. "Ding!" Jane produced a bag of popcorn.
"A couple pieces might be scorched, but it's mostly good."
"Any more sodas, Janey?" asked Trent.
"Sorry, we're out."
"Jesse, time for you to go on a junkfood run." said Trent.
"Why me?"
"Cuz I did it last time."
"Fine, but could you toss in some cash? I'm a little short."
"Can't you just crush some coal into diamonds?" asked Jane.
"I don't wanna devaluate the market." Daria smiled to herself. It wasn't long ago that she would've been surprised that Jesse could understand
such a concept. "So what's everyone want?"
"Cherry Coke." said Trent.
"Root beer."said Jane
"Pepsi." said Daria.
"Be back soon." Jesse went out.
"Here's a movie for you, Daria!" said Jane, picking up a video. "/Bride of Chuckie/!"
"I'm trying very hard to put that experience behind me, Jane."
Jesse drove to the local Gas&Gulp. Quinn was there along with her three suitors, The 3 J's.
"Please go out with me tonight, Quinn." begged Jeffy.
"Sorry, I'm waiting for Buddy's shift to end here so he can take me out." said Quinn.
"How 'bout tomorrow night?"
"Sorry, I already promised Jervis."
"That's Jamie!" said Jamie.
"Well, if you're going to be snotty about it, date's off!"
"Will you go out with me Quinn?" asked Joey.
"No fair! I asked first!" said Jeffy.
"Guys, don't fight over me!" Quinn giggled.
"Hey," said Jamie. "Check out the long-haired fag getting out of the Range Rover."
"Ha! I could take him on." Jeffy bragged.
"You want us to beat him up for you, Quinn?" asked Joey.
"Ummmm.......OK!"
"Yo! Fag-boy!" yelled Jeffy, giving Jesse a kidney punch. It was like trying to punch a brick wall.
"Mosquitos are out early." Jesse commented. As Jeffy nursed a bruised fist, Joey came running at Jesse. "I really don't have time to play
with you boys." he said, throwing Joey across the lot. Jamie tried to attack him from behind and slapped a crowbar across Jesse's back. Jesse calmly
turned around, took away Jamie's crowbar, and tied it in a bow around the smaller boy's neck. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some shopping to do."
Quinn approached Jesse. "Wow! that was really impressive, what you did back there. Hey, aren't you Hercules? One of the super heros my
sis-uh-cousin hangs out with?"
"You mean Daria?"
"Yeah! What's your real name?" she asked, wrapping her arms around a well muscled arm.
"Uh-Jesse."
"Wow, what a sexy name! I just love guys whose names start with the letter J! Wanna go out with me?"
"Not really." He said it as casually as if she asked him if he liked licorice. "I've got shopping to do."
"Oh, I get it!" said Quinn. "You're playing hard to get! Fine, do your shopping. But don't play to hard. I might not be here when you come out
of the store."
"Cool." Jesse went in the store.
The Three J's staggered back towards Quinn. "Oh, get lost, you children!" she said. "I'm after a real man!" Reluctantly, they left her.
In the Gas&Gulp, Jesse picked up a bag of Ruffles, a bag of Funyuns, can of bean dip, a box of popcorn (triple butter), A Cherry Coke,
Pepsi, Mountain Dew for himself-did Jane like Barq's or A&W? As an afterthought, he decided to pick up a Ding-Dong for Jane.
A teenaged boy rang him up. "Stop right there, Buddy." Said a middle aged man in an apron. "Hercules' money is no good here. Just let
him take it."
"I can pay." said Jesse.
"Forget it." said the man. "He was in here last week. I was manning the store alone when an armed robber busted in. Herc didn't have to
get involved, but he did. He saved the store and quite possibly my life. He didn't even stop to be thanked. Just payed for his gas and left. From now
on, anything Hurcules wants is on me."
"Thanks." said Jesse. "In that case, can I have some beef jerky?"
"Take all you like!"
Buddy bagged Jesse's free groceries. When Jesse walked out, someone was waiting for him. Oh, great. he thought. It's that silly red-head-
Quiggly or Queen or whatever her name is.
"So you've returned." she said. "Ready to go out with me?"
"Nope." He put his groceries in the Range Rover.
"Fine, I'm not to crazy about you anyway. Lots of guys want to go out with me."
"Why?"
"Well, if you can't see for yourself, I'm not going to tell you!"
"Cool." Jesse got in his Rover and backed out. Quinn pretended not to care. The vehicle raced down the street.
"You come back here and date me, dammit!" Quinn yelled after him.
"Here you go." Jesse said as he passed out junk food at Casa Lane. "Here's your money back, Trent. The guy at the Gas&Gulp said I could
shop there for free."
"Really? Why?"
"Last week I stopped over to buy some gas when this guy tried to hold the place up. I did that karate chop to the neck Kenji taught us and
busted up the guy's gun. Oh, Jane, I got you something." He gave her the Ding-Dong.
"Hey, Jane," said Daria. "Jesse wants you to eat his Ding-Dong."
"Shut up, Daria." said Jane. "/I'm/ the one who makes the off-color jokes."
"Oh, Daria," said Jesse. "I met your sister and her little friends at the store. She's acting weird."
"As opposed to how she usually acts?"
"Good one, Daria." chuckled Trent.
"Valentine's Day is in a couple of weeks." said Jesse, sitting next to Jane. "Anyone got plans?"
"I hate Valentine's Day." said Trent.
"Ditto." said Daria. "The crass commercialism, the saccharin blend of pink and magenta, the emphasis that you're a dateless loser who
will die a lonely death."
"I hate it cuz it's my stupid birthday." said Trent.
"Oh yeah," said Jane. "That double 2 is sneaking up on you."
"Could be worse." said Jesse. "You could've been born on Christmas."
"I promise, Trent." said Daria. "No frosted pink cupcakes this year."
Meanwhile, The 3 J's were in their secret headquarters, aka, Jeffy's basement. The walls were full of Quinn memorabilia. "How dare he!"
Jeffy asked rhetorically. "How dare this undocumented J infringe on our Quinn! This is unacceptable!" Jamie looked for some tools to get rid of
the crowbar around his neck.
"Uh, I think he's more of an H than a J." said Joey. "His super name is Hercules."
"Well, if you're so smart," said Jeffy. "why don't you figure out a way to get Quinn to like me-uh-us again?"
"We can make him look bad." Joey suggested.
"How?'' asked Jeffy. "He's a super hero with unmatched strength. Practically a celebrity."
"And I've heard he visits sick kids in the hospital." said Jamie, trying to free himself from his iron collar with a pair of bolt cutters. "Chicks
go wild for that sensitive male crap."
"And he's really good-looking." said Joey. His friends stared at him. "What? I'm not saying /I/ find him attractive!"
"We've gotta find some way to bring him down." said Jeffy. "If Quinn hasn't come to her senses and agreed to go with at least one of us
to the Sweetheart's Ball by Valentine's Day, drastic measures will be taken!"
In the weeks that followed, The 3 J's did all they could to bring down Jesse. Quinn actively sought out Jesse's company. He was just too
shy to tell her to go away, so he put up with her. One day, Quinn was walking beside Jesse, telling him all about the hot pink Scrunchie she got for
the Sweetheart's Ball and dropping some hints that she was still looking for a date. The 3 J's ambushed them commando style and peppered Jesse
with paintballs. Unfortunatly, their aim was poor and Quinn got splattered. She threw a Kamehameha hissy fit, scaring everyone away- including Jesse.
Joey tried sugaring his gas tank. Jesse caught him in the act and punished Joey by forcing him to eat the entire bag of sugar in one sitting. Jeffy
tried the midnight pizza delivery trick. It didn't work. Every pizza place seemed to be familiar with Jesse Moreno. Jamie tried egging his house. Jesse
caught him and made him clean up the mess- with his tongue. Valentine's Day came and Quinn still refused to talk to any of the J's.
Valentine's Day fell on a Friday that year. On the way to homeroom, Brittany stopped Daria in the hall. "Look Daria!" she said, practically
shoving a fluffy pink teddy bear in her face. "Look what my Kevvie got me for Valentine's Day! What did you get?"
"Um, nothing."
"Nothing! Not a thing for Valentines? Oh, Daria, that's so sad!"
"I'll get over it."
It started out like every Valentine's Day. Girls who usually went out of their way to ostracize Daria suddenly wanted to show her all the
goodies they got for Valentines. Just to rub it in her face. Then the delivery man showed up. "I'm looking for a Daria (He pronounced it to rhyme
with Mariah) Morjendoffer and a June Lanny."
"That's us." sighed Jane. The man gave Daria a single perfect red rose in a tasteful glass vase. He gave Jane a box that held a Dove's
solid chocolate rose.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed a surprised Stacy. "/Daria/ got a Valentine!"
"I could almost see some guy having a little crush on Jane." said Brooke. "But Daria?"
"Stop, all your complements are giving me a swelled head." Daria deadpanned.
"Oh, read the card! Read the card!" Stacy was practically wetting herself.
"It says 'For my mermaid, love Trent.'" The girls practically swooned.
Later in the hall, The 3 J's paid their homage to Quinn. "I made you this Valentine myself, Quinn." said Joey. "Cheapskate!" said Jeffy.
"Quinn, I bought this big bouquet of roses, just for you!" Jamie shoved him aside. "Quinn, I got you a big box of candy."
"Ugh, get that away from me!" said Joey, remembering the sugar incident.
"Look, guys," said Quinn. "You're sweet, but I've got my mind set on...him!" She opened her locker to reveal a shrine to Jesse "Hercules" Moreno.
"Look, Quinn." said Joey. "He's not in high school any more. I doubt if he wants to come to the Sweetheart's Ball."
"Are you saying he's to good for me, Joey?" she asked, pointedly.
"No! It's just..."
"If my loser sis-uh-cousin can have an older boyfriend, then by golly so can I! Jesse will come around and see that I'm totally right for him."
"Guess again." said Jane from behind. She still had her chocolate rose and the card it came with. "Read it and weep."
"Sweets for my sweet." Quinn read. "Love, Jesse. WHAT!?"
"Gotta admit." said Jane. "The guy knows what I like." Quinn ran to the lady's room before anyone could see her mascara run.
"That rat bastard made Quinn cry!" said Jeffy. "And for that, he must pay!" They huddled up to form their diabolical plan.
After school, Jesse picked up the girls and his brother. The four of them chipped in for a cake. In emerald green frosting, the bakers wrote
"Happy 22nd Birthday, Brent."- untill our heros sent it back to be corrected.
At Casa Lane, the Formidable Four (plus one) ate cake and gave Trent presents. "I wasn't sure what you'd like," said Danny. "But, Jesse
likes Creed and I thought you might to." His gift had been a CD.
"Thanks. I do like them."
Jane got him an Anthrax CD. Jesse got him a Panterra CD. Daria was smart. She got him a CD caddy. "Thanks Daria." he said. "I got you
something for Valentine's."
"Really, the rose was enough." she said. Trent gave her a gift box. She opened it and found a black leather jacket. She was speechless.
"I thought you might like it." said Trent. "And you probably need one, seeing as how your green jacket is at the bottom of the sea now."
Meanwhile, at the bottom of the sea, Nautilus wept bitter tears in said green jacket.
"I love it." Daria said, kissing Trent's cheek. "But now I feel embarrassed. I got you a birthday present, but no Valentine's present."
"Let me see you wear it." he said. "That will be gift enough."
"Let me get your present, Jesse." Jane went upstairs and brought down a canvas. "I'll finally let you see it." She unveiled her portrait of
Jesse. Somehow, she had managed not only to capture his physical likeness, but the warm gentle person he was inside.
"It's beautiful, Jane." said Jesse, kissing her. "Here's your present." He gave her a pair of heart-shaped diamond earrings.
"Jesse, they're beautiful." Said Jane. "They must have cost you a lot."
"Not really. They were my mother's. She would've wanted you to have them."
"Boo-hoo." said Danny. "It's Valentine's Day and no one loves me."
"I love you, Danny." said Jesse.
"Yeah, but I can't take you to the Sweetheart's Ball." sighed Danny. "I tried asking Quinn. She seemed interested in me when she came
over to sell those phone cards. She said she wanted to go out with Jesse."
"Like Jesse would be caught dead at a high school party." said Trent.
"I'm /in/ high school." said Daria. "And /I/ don't like high school parties."
"Quinn got kinda upset when I showed her the chocolate rose Jesse sent me." said Jane. "What do you think of Quinn, Jesse?"
"You mean the silly red-head? She annoys the hell out of me."
"Here, here." said Daria.
After the cake was squared away, Daria and the Moreno brothers went home. Daria and Jesse returned soon. Daria was wearing her new
jacket with a black silk blouse and black leather skirt she had "borrowed" from Quinn. She carried a suspicious looking brown bag. Jesse wore a
grey ribbed sweater with black jeans and his long hair in a ponytail. He carried a picnic basket. They arrived at almost the same time. Jane was wearing
a blue sweater and skirt set that brought out her eyes and her new earrings. Even Trent was dressed up-by his standards. That meant a buttoned
denim shirt and fairly new jeans.
"Jesse and I are going to the beach for a picnic." said Jane. "What do you two have planned-or is that none of my business?" She cocked
an eyebrow at Daria.
"I'm gonna show her how I make my famous Bisquik pizza." said Trent.
"I sneaked some wine from my parent's liquor cabinet." said Daria. "Does Merlot go with pepperoni?"
"Daria, you are so /bad/" teased Jane.
Jesse and Jane had their picnic. Jane went through the basket. "Tuna sandwiches, Pringles, root beer, beef jerky, Ding-Dongs-Tic Tacs?"
"I figured you wouldn't want to kiss someone with fish breath."
They ate and talked. Danny was drowning his sorrows on the internet. Jane was happy for Trent and Daria. Jesse wished Quinn would take
a hint and leave him alone. Jane was planning a found objects sculpture. Jesse was planning to visit the children's ward at Cedars of Lawndale
and wanted Jane to come with him.
"I'm afraid I couldn't show them my powers." said Jane. "You know, oxygen tanks and that stuff."
"They just want someone to spend some time with them."
"If they're healthy enough to go outside, I can show them a trick I figured out how to do. It looks more impressive under a night sky."
"Like this one?"
"This is more of a twilight sky, but it will work. Watch. Flame on." Jane turned on her flames and soared into the sky. When she got to
the right altitude she turned her flames on white hot and went into a nose dive, leaving a 12 foot long plume of flame behind her. She turned down
the heat, rose 12 feet and went into another white hot nose dive followed by a right angle. Jesse saw what she was doing. She was sky-writing
with fire. The message read "I LOVE YOU, JESSE." To top it off, Jane surrounded the message with a heart shaped ring. She alit next to Jesse and
turned the flames off.
"I love you to, Jane." he said, taking Jane in his arms. As he held her, he sang.
/If there were no words, no way to speak/
/I would still hear you/
/If there were no tears, no way to feel inside/
/I'd still feel for you/
/And even if the sun refused to shine/
/Even if romance ran out of rhyme/
/You would still have my heart/
/Until the end of time/
/You're all I need, my love,/
/My Valentine/
"Jesse, that was beautiful." said Jane. "You should get Trent to let you do more vocal solos."
"He's better at handling the crowd than I am."
Jane hugged Jesse. "Talk dirty to me in Spanish."
"Besami mucho."
Jane assaulted him with kisses, just as he asked. "You call that dirty?" she teased.
"What do you want me to say? Jodidami mucho?"
"It's official. You know more Spanish than I do."
"That was a word they don't teach you in Spanish class."
"Te amo, Jesse."
"Te amo, Janey." They kissed, falling to the sand beneath them. Jane used one hand to work the band that held Jesse's hair back. Her
other hand slipped under his sweater, caressing him through the thin cotton shirt he wore underneath. Jesse stopped her. ''I think I need to take
you home."
"Oh. O-OK." Jane said despondantly. I guess he's just not that attracted to me. she thought, as she gathered the remanants of their picnic.
Jesse knelt down to help. "Jane, when I said I needed to take you home, I meant my home."
Jane kissed him. They hurried back to his Range Rover. "What about Danny?" she asked.
"All this time I thought you only liked me." he teased. "Don't worry. Danny said he was going to a friend's house. He might be gone all
night. And Dad will be at his AA meeting until almost midnight."
Jesse took Jane up to his room. "Well, it's in better shape than Trent's." said Jane. Jesse held her close and kissed her deeply. "Can we
turn the lights out?" she asked.
"But I wanna look at you." he murmured.
"You've got all these posters on the wall. I feel like I'm being watched."Jesse turned off the lights and turned on the Tiffany lamp Jane
made him for Christmas. "Perfect."
And now, the Watcher will draw the curtain on the two lovers and focus on the dibolical doings of The 3 J's.
"It's like this." said Jeffy, as they schemed in their lair. "My mom's got some real expensive diamond jewelry. We'll plant it on Muscle Man
and make it look like he stole it." He showed them an exquisite necklace and bracelet set he pilfered from his own mother.
"We gotta come up with a better story than that." said Jamie.
"I got it!" said Joey. "Jeffy, you'll say you were in the living room-um-doing your homework or something when Hercules tore down the
door, beat the smack out of you, took your mom's jewels and left."
"Sounds good." said Jeffy. "But the cops'll think something's up when I obviously haven't been beat up or anything." Joey and Jamie
grinned. "Oh, no!"
"It's for a good cause!" said Joey, slugging Jeffy in the jaw. After Jeffy was sufficiently black and blue, Joey and Jamie tore the front door
off it's hinges and drove to the Moreno house.
"Ugh." said Jamie. "I can still taste those eggs he made me lick up."
"Quiet, dude." whispered Joey. In his passionate haste, Jesse hadn't thought to lock the door. It was half past midnight. Danny had stayed
at his friend's house. Luis had to be the designated driver for a fellow AA member who fell off the wagon. The two J's snuck into Jesse's room. They
were aware of a slumbering lump on the bed. Jane was enveloped in blankets and her lover's arms. The tresspassers did not see her. They tucked
the diamonds in his beureau drawer and slinked away.
The next morning, Jane woke up in Jesse's arms. She kissed him awake. "Good morning." she said sweetly.
"Good morning." he said and kissed her. "God, last night, that was the best night of my life."
"I kinda gathered that when you screamed out my name and nearly crushed my ribs."
"Sorry. I forget how strong I am sometimes. I didn't really hurt you, did I?"
"I just had the wind knocked out of me. I'm fine, really." She snuggled up to him.
"But you were-you know-bleeding."
"That happens sometimes. I'm OK." She kissed him. He kissed back and rolled on top of her. "Hold on, big guy." she said. "Not untill you
get another one of those." She pointed to a box of condoms on his nightstand. Jesse grabbed one.
After they made love, they showered together and went down stairs. Jane redressed in her blue outfit from the night before. Jesse threw
on a T-shirt and some jeans. Jesse was in the kitchen mixing up batter for French toast. "So, you wanna do anything later?" Jane asked, microwaving
some syrup.
"Do you?" he asked, turning the bread.
"I'd like to go home and change into something more casual first."
"You think Daria might still be there with Trent?"
"Maybe she gave him a birthday spanking."
They had eaten breakfast and had just put the dishes away when the doorbell rang. Jesse opened it to find two men in suits. "Sorry, we
don't need any religious pamphlets today." He tried to close the door. The older looking man put his foot in the door and flashed a badge. "Agent
Flemming, ATF. Are you Jesse Moreno, AKA Hercules?"
"Um, yeah."
"We have reason to believe you commited a B&E on the Jones residence, assaulted Jeffery Jones Jr. and commited grand theft by absconding
with Jaquelyn Jones' diamond jewelry."
"That's ridiculous!" he said.
"Will you sign this search warrent, then?" asked the other man.
"I have nothing to hide." Jesse signed the warrent.
"Who's the tomato?" asked Flemming, indicating Jane.
"That's my friend's sister, Jane. The two of them came over yesterday and she left her purse here."
Why is he lying? thought Jane. I don't even own a purse.
"Dressed awful nice." Flemming observed.
"She's on her way to a job interview. That's why she needs her purse."
He's one of the coolest liars I've ever seen. thought Jane.
"Can't find anything down here." said the other agent who had been searching the living room. "Mr. Moreno, I'm going to have to ask
you to show me your bedroom."
Jesse showed them the room. "Someone likes their rock and roll." Flemming commented. Then he looked in the wastbasket and brought
out some forceps. "What do we have here?" he asked, pulling out a used condom.
"I went out to club last night and picked up a girl." Jesse shrugged. "She left this morning. I don't remember her name and I don't know
where she is."
Flemming hummed suspiciously and looked at Jane, just at the threshold. "How old are you?" he asked.
"Old enough to know better." said Jane.
"Don't get smart with me, Missy!"
"She had nothing to do with this." said Jesse. "I'll get her purse so she can go home." Jesse went into the master bedroom and a few minutes
later brought out a black leather clutch purse. He gave it to Jane and touched her hand. "You might wanna go through it later." he said. "To make sure
everything is there."
Jane choked back tears. This was not how she wanted to leave Jesse, but it seemed they had no choice. As she went down stairs she heard
one of the agents say "I found them, Flemming. In the beaureu."
"I-I-I didn't do it! I don't know how they got there!"
"Oh, and I suppose it was the one armed man!" said Flemming. "And speaking of one arm, Gregory, I want you to perform a cavity search
on this man."
"But, we found the diamonds, Flemming." Gregory protested.
Jane ran outside and started walking home. I can't believe this. she thought. Jesse, after all he's done for this shithole of a town, is going
to be arrested for something he didn't do. I should've told them he was with me that night. Fooling around with a minor can't be as bad as grand
theft, can it? I'm not that young. I'll be 18 in October. She forgot how far October was from February. He told me to go through the purse. Was he
trying to tell me something? She opened the clutch. All that was inside was a driver's liscense that expired ten years ago made out to a Mary Lillian
Moreno and a scrap of paper. It turned out to be a hastily written note.
/Jane, I don't know what's going on, I just know it's bad. I don't want you to get involved. Don't worry about me. I love you, Jesse./
Tears sprang to Jane's eyes. "Dammit, Jesse." she whispered. "Can't you see I'm already involved?"
Jane came home and went up to Trent's room. To her surprise, he was in bed, alone. She woke him up. "Trent" she said, waking him. "Jesse's
been arrested."
"Huh? whadid he do?"
"They said he broke into someone's house last night, beat up some kid and took some diamonds. They found the jewels in his room but
I know he didn't do it. I was with him last night. The enitire night." She broke down crying. Trent held her, tried to comfort her. The phone quacked.
Trent picked up.
"Trent, it's me, Jesse." the familiar voice on the line said. "I've been arrested."
"Janey told me all about it." Trent responded.
"They set my bail pretty high, so I won't ask you to pay it. I just wanna know if Janey's OK."
"Um, she's fine." Since when does he call her Janey? he briefly wondered. "She's kinda upset, but she's right here."
"Can I speak to her?"
"Sure." Trent handed the phone to Jane.
"Jesse," she said. "Just tell them you were with me last night. You know I'll vouch for you."
"Janey, that could get us both in a lot of trouble."
"We're talking grand theft, Jesse. Ten to twenty. My parents don't give a damn about what I do and last I heard they were somewhere in
Malta anyway. I'm 17, not 12 so they may go easy on you. Look, just don't lie at the trial. Purjury can get you in more trouble than you can get out of."
"I understand."
"Daria's mom's a lawyer. We'll talk to her."
"I love you, Jane."
"I love you too, Jesse."
That afternoon, Jesse's teammates visited him in county lock-up. They all shared a collective gasp of shock. Jesse was in prison blues, wearing
a strange choker with a red bauble on it, and his light brown hair had been cut unattractivly short. "Lemmee guess." he said. "You don't like my new hair cut."
"It's-um-different." said Jane.
"That choker looks familiar." said Trent.
"Japanese import." said Jesse. "It's a pacifier like the one QB Doom used on you. They don't want me bending the bars and escaping. I hear they
use these in some game show called /$la$her$/. Japanese game shows make /Fear Factor/ look like /The Price is Right/."
"Jesse," said Daria. "For you, I've done something I try very hard not to do. I talked to my mother. She said she call as soon..." Her cell
phone rang. " "That's probably her." She answered the phone. "Hello? Yes, Mom, we're all here in the visitation room with Jesse. You're here? Good.
We'll see you soon."
Helen came in soon. "Jesse Moreno?" she said to him. "Helen Morgendorfer." She gave him her card. "You have some serious offences
against you, young man."
"I didn't do it."
"Of course you didn't. I've contacted a few colleagues and we are assembling a dream team of attorneys for you, Mr. Moreno." She
opened the door, letting in a thin black man with glasses and a brief case. Oh no, thought Daria. Not /him/!
"If the man is super strong, then he can do no wrong!" said Johnny Cochrain. "Mr. Moreno, I am here to get you off! Your name is Moreno,
right? We'll just tell the jury a nice sob story about your life as a migrant farm worker. Drifting from farm to farm, struggling to pick enough grapes to
buy tortillas for your family, the language barrier, racial discrimination...."
"Mr. Cochrain," said Jesse. "My father's from Madrid, Spain. I was born right here in Lawndale. I've never picked grapes in my life. I don't
even like tortillas."
"You're gonna have to work with me, Mr. Moreno. How else do you expect to get out of jail?"
"By being innocent."
Cochrain suppressed a laugh. "Well, that's a new one on me. Innocent!"
That night at the prison, Jesse's cell mate, Rolex, talked him into going to the weight room. "Look everyone!" said Rolex. "Look how much
this mother can lift!" Jesse obliged everyone by benchpressing every weight in the room.
"Hey, Hercules," said one of the prisoners. Jesse got off the bench to look at him. "I'm Adam Foy, better known as The Computer Bandit.
You put me in here!" He swung. Jesse ducked and did a sweep kick. Foy ran at him, screaming in rage. Jesse merely sidestepped him.
"Don't fuck with him, Foy." said Rolex. "Herc could tear you a new one!"
Foy didn't listen. He continued to fight Jesse. Jesse grabbed his hands so he couldn't strike. A severe shock went through him, causing
him to drop Foy.
"That's enough trouble out of you, Moreno!" said the guard with the controller. "Back to your cell."
"But I..."
"Just do what boss-man says, Herc." said Rolex. "It's easier that way."
That night Jesse lay awake on his bunk. Rolex snored nearby. Rolex wasn't so bad- for a convict. Just burglary and pot possesion. Nothing
perverted. Someone in the next cell started chanting "Fish, fish, fish..." untill a guard cracked a baton against the bars. Jesse tried to sleep. About
midnight someone down the hall screamed for his mother. Prison made even the toughest convicts cry out in the dead of night. Jesse kept his tears
to himself. He fondly remembered his last night of freedom. Would he ever hold Jane again? He remembered tenderly cradling Jane before they went
to sleep together and singing to her.
/I've dreamed of this a thousand times before/
/But in my dreams I couldn't love you more/
/I will give you my heart until the end of time/
/You're all I need, my love, my Valentine/
The trial began the next day. Jesse met with his lawyers, Helen Morgendorfer, Johnny Cochrain, and a new guy named Joe Adler. "This
is obviously a false accusation and a miscarriage of justice." said Adler. He ticked the names off on his fingers."Moreno, we are going to sue
Jeffy Jones, we are going to sue Agent Flemming, we are going to sue Agent Gregory, we are going to sue...."
"Oh, for the love of God, we're not suing anybody!" said Helen. Adler looked like he had been told there was no Santa Claus. "Now,
Jesse, we need to know where you were on the 14th. Remember, anything you said to the arresting officers /before/ you were read your rights is
null and void."
"I'd rather not say."
"Anything you say to your attorney is in strict confidence." said Helen.
"I was with Jane that night."
"Daria's little friend?"
"Yeah."
"What times that night were you with her?"
"Um, the whole night."
"Oh. I see." Helen made a mental note to have "The Talk" with Daria later. "How old is Jane?"
"She turned seventeen last October."
"Boy," said Cochrain. "Whatcha otta do is take your girl down to Georgia. In that state, if she's old enough to bleed, she's old enough to breed!"
Helen gave him a disgusted look. "It's my understanding," she continued."That the Lanes are negligent and often absentee parents. Jane
is, frankly, only a little underaged. Many people would be looking at a lifetime as a registered sex offender, but we may be able to get around that,
considering your record. Now, will Jane be willing to vouch for your wherebouts?"
"Yeah." he sighed.
Jane rushed in. "Can it wait, Jane?" asked Helen. "This is supposed to be a private meeting."
"Jesse," said Jane. "Look out the window." Outside was a group of protesters. They bore signs reading "Free Hercules." He recognized
some of the protesters. Some were children he visited in the hospital, some in wheelchairs. He recognized the guy from the Gas&Gulp. There was
Axl from the tattoo parlor. Nick and Max were there. They all chanted /3,6,9, Jesse did not do the crime!/
"Kinduva sloppy rhyme." Jane commented.
The transport to the court house was a media frenzy. Flashbulbs cracked. Diana Wolfgang got in Jesse's face. "Hercules, did you steal
Mrs. Jones' jewels?" she demanded.
"No I did not." he said.
"I believe you, Hercules." said a small voice. Jesse looked down. It was Astrid, the little girl who named him. "I know you wouldn't do that."
Jesse gave her a smile. If only everyone had the same faith in him.
Later. "Oyez, oyez. The court of the honorable judge Desmond Kinkaid now presiding."
Not long after the swearing in, Jodi bursted in the courtroom. "He's innocent!" she yelled. "I have proof!"
"Bailiff, restrain that girl." said Judge Kinkaid.
"Your Honor," said Helen. "May I speak with this girl? I'll be brief."
"You may."
Minutes later, Helen said "The defence calls Jodi Landon as witness." Jodi took the stand. "Miss Landon, where were you on the night
of February 14?"
"My boyfriend, Michael MacKinzie, was walking me home. We had dinner at Bennigins. We were in my front yard looking at the stars when
we saw some fire in the sky."
"Fire, you say?''
"Big plumes of it, taking the shape of letters in the sky. I ran inside and got my digital camera. These are the photos." She handed some
photos over to Helen.
"I'd like to submit these photos to the jury, your Honor." Kinkaid acquiesented. "The jury will please note the date and time on the photos.
Jodi, would you describe the pictures for the court?"
"The flames spelled out 'I love you, Jesse.' We knew Jane was the only one with the power to sky-write with fire and she had received a
chocolate rose from Jesse that day. I probably wasn't the only one who saw those firey letters. I thought it was a sweet gesture."
"No further questions for this witness."
"Permission to cross examine." said prosecuter Dale Blake. It was granted. "Miss Landon, at what time did you see this message in the sky?"
"Just after sunset. It says 5:45 on the digital photos."
"And did you actually /see/ either Miss Lane or Mr. Moreno?"
"Well, no. I guess Jane was to high up for me to see her. I know it was in the eastern sky."
"Is it possible that Mr. Moreno was not in the area? Or if he was, left soon after?"
"Objection," said Helen. "Calls for speculation."
"Sustained. Get to the point, Blake."
"Miss Landon, do these photos prove where Jesse Moreno was at about midnight, February 14?"
"No, I guess not." Jodi sighed.
"No further questions."
The prosecution called Jeffery Jones Jr. to the stand. He had a black eye. "I was doing my homework in the living room." said Jeffy. "Mom
and Dad went out to dinner at Chez Pierre. Suddenly, the door busted down. And-and /he/ came in." Jeffy made a good show of looking afraid.
"Is /he/ in the court room?" asked Blake. Jeffy pointed out Jesse. "Let the record show that the witness indicated the defendant."
"He just busted in and started to beat me up. He was a madman, I thought he was going to kill me! When he was done, he went upstairs
and came back down with my mom's jewelry. I tried to stop him, but he knocked me down. I must've passed out. When I came to, I called the police
and told them what happened."
"My poor, brave baby!" wailed Mrs. Jones.
"Mr. Jones," said Helen in the cross examining. "Are you aware that The defendant could snap your spine like a twig if he wanted?"
"I-I guess."
"So why did he not kill you?''
"Objection," said Blake. "Speculation."
"Sustained."
"No further questions. The defence calls Jesse Moreno." Jesse took the stand. "Jesse, where were you on the night of the14th?"
Jesse broke into a cold sweat. Don't be nervous. he told himself. You'll look guilty. "I was with my girlfriend, Jane Lane. We had a picnic
by the beach. She did the sky-writing that Jodi saw."
"And then what did you do?" prompted Helen.
Jesse took a sip of water. "We-ah-made out for awhile."
"And then?"
"I took her home."
"Your own home?"
"Yeah."
"Did she spend the night with you?"
"Yeah."
Blake cross examined Jesse. "So, you're saying you spent the whole night with an underaged girl."
"Objection." said Helen. "Irrelevant."
"Sustained."
Blake smiled. "Could she account for your wherebouts for the /whole/ night? Did she, by any chance, fall asleep so she wouldn't know
exactly where you were?"
"I've got a pretty narrow bed. She fell asleep in my arms. If I got out of bed, it would've woke her up."
"So you admit you slept with an underaged girl?"
"Objection!" shouted Helen.
"No more questions." said Blake. "Prosecution calls Agent Aaron Flemming to the stand."
As Agent Flemming gave his testimony, Daria got an idea. "Trent, come with me." she whispered. "We need to do some investigating."
"Should we bring Janey?" he whispered.
"No, she's probably going to be called as a witness. We'll stop at my house and grab a camera."
Trent drove Daria to the Jones house. It was roped off with yellow tape reading "CRIME SCENE, DO NOT ENTER."
"We better park somewhere else." said Daria, noting a police cruiser not far from the house. "I can get us past the cop." Trent parked the
next street over.
"So, how you gonna get us past the cop?" Trent asked.
"Well, they don't call me the Phantom for nothing." She got out of the car. Trent followed. "Take my hand, I'll make us both invisible."
The cop thought he heard someone running through the grass, but he saw no one. He supposed it was only the wind.
They appeared in the living room. "The police probably already dusted for fingerprints. We've gotta look for something they overlooked."
"Daria, about what happened on Valentines..."
"Trent, now is not the time or the place." Daria checked out the door. Trent half expected her to whip out a magnifying glass a la Sherlock
Holmes. "This doesn't look right." she said. "The angle of this door. It looks like it was torn down from the inside."
Trent took a look. He checked out the hinges. "Looks like the Jones had a screw loose."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"I have a reoccurring dream about being in a threesome with Lita Ford and Joan Jett." She gave him an odd look. "That's something you
don't know."
"Well, you're right. These screws look like they were loosened. And look at these stress marks. Wrong side of the door, to begin with.
And it's several little ones. If Jesse wanted to break down a door, he could do it with one hard strike. This door, was more than likely, torn down
by two or three stupid teenaged boys whose names all begin with the letter J."
"Brilliant, Holmes." Trent started taking pictures.
"Elementary, my dear Trent."
Back at the courtroom, Jane was on the stand.
"For the record," she said, "I'd just like to say Jesse didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. It was all consensual."
"Stop lying for him, you tramp!" shouted Mrs. Jones. "That monster tried to kill my baby!"
Judge Kinkaid pounded his gavel. "Order! Mrs. Jones, one more outburst and you will be asked to leave the courtroom."
Daria and Trent walked in. "Your Honor," said Daria. "I have proof. This is all a frame up."
"Court declares a 30 minute recess." said Kinkaid.
Daria showed the damaging photos to Jesse's lawyers.
When court was back in session, Cochrain passed the photos out to the jury. "You will notice, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, screws
are missing or obviously loosened from their hinges. The angle of the door could only be made by knocking it down from the inside. Those marks
were not made by one of super strength, but perhaps by some healthy teenaged boys.When you see this door, you know what's in store." Helen
looked sick. "We rest our case, your honor."
The jury deliberated. Jesse gulped down one glass of water after another. "This is an outrage!" said Adler. "Mr. Moreno, those punks
have lied about you- under oath! You have suffered much emotional distress because of a cruel prank that could've had you unjustly imprisoned.
But don't worry, I'll get you what you deserve! We are going to sue these boys, we are going to sue their parents, we are going to sue the county,
we are going to sue..."
The jury announced that they had reached a verdict. "Will the defendant please rise?"
The world stood still. "Keep the camera on him, Theo." hissed Diana Wolfgang.
"Yes Ms. Wolfgang."
"We the jury find the defendant, Jesse Ray Moreno, to be...not guilty."
Jesse embraced Jane and anyone else that got close enough. "Lawsuit!" Daria called as Jesse tried to get her in a bear hug.
epilogue:
Jane waited outside the Scissors Wizards. Jesse came out. "Do you like it?" he asked. The top and back had been feathered, giving his
hair a fuller appearance. The sides were trimmed and combed back.
"It looks great." said Jane, kissing him. "It looks better that the jailhouse hack-job they gave you. I think it looked better long, though."
"I know. The stylist said my face was to long. They sold me some vitamin E cream." He showed her the tube. "It should speed things up
a little. How 'bout dinner and a movie?"
"Sure, where do you wanna go?"
"I hear Chez Pierre is good."
"Good and expensive."
"I took Adler's advice and sued the pants off those jerks. They got in a lot of trouble for perjury, but their lawyers got them probation.
Wonder what Mrs. Jones thinks of her baby now."
"They won't bother you for a long time. I don't think fancy French food is my taste. How 'bout TGI Friday's?"
"Cool."
He put his arm around her and they walked to the resteraunt.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
Don't touch me you pervert!
Why the hell am I chained up and naked?
I must have trrrruffles!
Hey, baby, huhhuh, wanna wrestle?
Nah, I got a strict no incest rule.
So- where are the hookers?
(A/N) "My Valentine" belongs to Martina McBride until the end of time. Agent Flemming was a character
from /Beavis and Butthead Do America/. Joe Adler was featured on "Beavis and Butt-Head". People outside
of Texas might not get that he was a satire of a real lawyer named Jim Adler. He bills himself as
"The tough, smart lawyer who will hammer and hammer to get you what you deserve!" The movie the guys
watch at the beginning of the fic is also from B&B. Those lovable miscreants saw it at a drive-in
and I thought it might be on video by now. If you like characters from B&B, you'll love the next fic.
Johnny Cochran is a character from /The OJ Simpson Show/. He was this goofy character who
always spoke in rhyming couplets and...oh, wait, that was real life. Sorry.
I apologize for what I did to Jesse's hair. I love the way long hair looks on guys, but
according to my brother (a former prison guard) men in prison aren't allowed to let their hair
grow long.
Quick Spanish lesson for all you gringos.
Besami mucho= Kiss me bunches.
Jodidami mucho= Fuck me bunches.
Te Amo= I love you.
